Eclipsed Compassion

You never liked expressing yourself, or even having someone express themselves to you. You didn't like any sign of sentimental outreach, and you probably will never read this. But, I understood why; I know that the time before you and I was one of an emotional desert, dry and unforgiving. I never thought I would be reluctant to leave. I never thought I would be laying in my bed back at home, the place where I'm supposed to be the most fulfilled, feeling so hollowed out but being drowned in the thought of you. You have become a constant in my life, you opened up your little corner of the world to me. Your place became ours, and from getting there on Friday afternoon until Monday morning, the only stress I had was if the meal I was going to make you that evening would make you happy. The way you used my blanket I had brought there, or how you would brush your hair with my brush, sitting on the couch next to me without me having to ask, our lives began to slowly integrate. We learned what each other liked to order at restaurants, I knew how to make your coffee for you. I would do your laundry for you, bring you lunch at work, go grocery shopping for you because I knew what you would need.

It always baffles me that we have come this far, that we have grown with each other like we have. I wasn't looking for a relationship, and I know you would be perfectly alright on your own. But we met, we talked, flirted, and I came to see you. From there, through the leaves losing their color, to the ice being scraped from my windshield, back to the first lawn mowing of the year, we grew. You let down your guard for me. I remember a night, perhaps late September, we were laying in your bed. My lips were on yours, your hand in my hair, you pulled me close to you and whispered to me, "I think I'm falling for you." And you asked me not to leave you. From that moment, I let myself give into the sea of emotions I had been floating in for a while. With such little words and notions, you made my heart flutter. Whether it was calling me "baby," telling me I looked good, or kissing me on the forehead before you left for work, all of these made me burn with excitement that I was receiving them from you.

Eventually, we agreed to be with each other. I know you had reservations about labeling what we had, asking why it needed to change. It was difficult for me, though. I was right on the brink of falling for you, like an avalanche. And being in the middle of your affections and not having something to hold onto was killing me softly. I wanted to be yours, I wanted you to be mine. You don't know how happy it made me when you nodded in affirmation that we were officially an item. How you held me when my tears were being absorbed into the pillows we shared and told me that I was yours.

It's unbelievable how cliché I have become. I'm all sappy, listening to love songs and thinking of you. Relating to poems and lyrics with my feelings for you. Like that Lana Del Rey song I played over and over on the way back home after leaving your place,

"It's you, it's you. It's all for you, everything I do. I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you. Tell me all the things you wanna do. I heard that you like the bad girls, honey, is that true? It's better than I ever even knew. They say that the world was built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you. Baby, now you do."

I love you. You know that I love you. I want to drop everything and let myself be with you. Forget about the college, forget about my plans. I want you. I want you to be my plans. I want to take care of you, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Always. I want you to feel how much I love you. Because I'm here, sitting on my couch. I feel so fucking empty. You have haunted my thoughts, but in the most sweetest way. I replay every memory I have with you. Like the time we stayed up all night drinking red wine, dancing to the seventies and having your drunken smile on mine. Or the evening we sat outside for awhile in the subzero weather, while I explained stars and their births to you. Can't forget the time we got my car stuck in your driveway and you made me ask the neighbor for help. I have every passionate, intimate moment between us engraved on my skin and in my fantasies. The way your soft, but firm hands would grip my thighs when you were you about to fall over the edge. How your kisses would become increasingly intense the more I drug out the gentle seductions. The kitchen floor, the couch, the living room floor, the terrible bed that would hit the wall with every movement before we shopped for a new one for you. The little whimpers you would make when I would hit just the right spot, and how every brush of your fingers left my flesh burning with desire. Every moment we have shared is immersed within my thoughts and I can see your sweet blue eyes and boyish grin every time I close my eyes.

I told you before I left that you are my favorite person to do boring things with, and you kind of giggled at that. But it's true. To the outside world, we are a very boring couple. We spend our weekends in a town of less than a hundred, with a stash of wine, watching Mad Men or anything else that sparks our interest. Sometimes I feel silly feeling this way for you, just because I am so young, yet so willing to give you my all. It scares me how much I am offering you, because I have never been at this level with another human before. You get me, I get you. From day one, we clicked, and our personas matched beautifully. Things just eventually lead me down a path and suddenly I was enthralled by you. And I still am. I know that you would be the worst heartbreak I have ever felt, and I don't want to push that pressure on you. Because what we have is more than I could have ever imagined with another person and I really hope that when I get back, you still feel the same way about me. I used to believe that love wasn't an actual feeling, but more of a fantasy and people loving the idea of another. But, with you, I get it now. It's completely real and tangible to me. This isn't just a phase, you have stirred the feeling of pure bliss and every emotion has been awaken inside of me from the experiences I have shared with you, which will leave an impression within me forever.

You've taught me patience, and acceptance. You've shown me that I can't look at the world with pure innocence, but to somehow still hold on to the joys I find within. I experience so much peace and happiness when I am around you, that I don't much dwell on the future. I know we are at different places in life right now, and mine is much more turbulent compared to your relaxed style. I'm eventually going to go off and find my career somewhere, and I wouldn't ask you to ever leave your quiet kingdom that you have so generously shared with me. But, I also hope that I am the one who takes care of you in the distant future. I'm nervous that when I come back, what you feel for me will have faded away with your apple tree to the cold grip of winter. That you will no longer feel a sense of excitement when you hear my car pull up. You reassure me that things will pick up where we left them, but so much can happen between now and then. You've never had someone take care of you and try to understand who you are without alternating your path of existence and being, but I do. And I want you to feel appreciated, loved, admired, and everything else you can feel from another person, like you have given to me, for a very long time.

I just want to give you what you deserve.