Ego

I slumped back in my seat and waited. I really liked my job. Losing it was gonna be problematical. I was forty-five. Most firms would be looking for younger men, college men; I was neither. Well, something would turn up. I hear Wal-Mart was looking for greeters.

"Gentlemen, my name is Janine Taylor. You all know why I am here. I won't beat around the bush. Some of you will receive pink slips today. Those who do will receive letters of recommendation and a severance package. Those who will be staying on will receive bonus checks. The latter kind of an incentive to keep up the good work since you will be asked to take up the slack for those who will be leaving. Are there any questions?" There were none.

"I will be having individual meetings with each of the stayers tomorrow morning. The times of your appointments with me are in the envelopes with your checks. See each of you then."

With that she took one last look around, stared at me for a brief moment, or so I thought, and strode out followed by a woman who I assumed was her PA. A man remained behind and began calling out names. As he did, the name called went up to get his envelope. As my name was called I got up and walked out. I headed for Castro's.

******

I talked to Jack, the barkeep. Explained my predicament, and he commiserated with me. I think I only paid for two of my martinis, and I knew for certain I'd had at least four. It all of a sudden was dark. I got up to go. "You sure you can drive, Marv?" said Jack.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I said. I wasn't. The cop that busted me assured me of that. I called Parker. He came down, but he said he couldn't do anything till the following morning. He returned then.

"Seventy-two hours?" I said.

"Yeah, that's the best I can do for you, Marv," said Parker. "Jesus man, you were drunk as a skunk."

We talked for a little while and I let him know why I was in a blue funk.

"She can't fire you for merely personal reasons, Marv. If you want to keep your job, I think I can be of help," he said.

"I don't know, Parker, working under her, I mean even if she doesn't fire me, would be pretty tough," I said.

"My opinion: you should talk to her. It's been a long time. Water under the bridge and all of that. She'd be crazy to fire a first rate employee like you. If she's any kind of a manager, she'll know that and be professional about it," said Parker. "You need to talk to her, Marv. I don't mean socialize with her, just talk to her."

So I sat. I sat in my cell, and I cried a little. My life was so fucked up. Just when I was really getting it together too. Just when I was getting to the point where I hardly thought of Janine and how she'd done me; this all had to happen. The gods hated me; I was sure of it.

"Hey, hotshot, you got a visitor," said the uniform. It was 2:00PM. Visiting hours, so I'd been told.

"Yeah, well who is it?" I said.

"Don't know," he said. "Let's go." I followed him out of the cell and down the hall. Entering the interview room, I stopped cold in my tracks. She looked real good.

"Hello, Marvin," said Janine. I sat down but didn't say anything, not at first. "You missed your appointment this morning."

"What would have been the point? What? You had to fire me in person?" I said. She eyed me.

"Why would you have thought I was going to fire you? I know your record. You're the best they've got," she said. "You had to know that."

"What are you here for, Janine. You here to gloat?" I said, ignoring her words. "We both know you'll be getting rid of me at the earliest opportunity. I ain't got no illusions. I know what you think of me—thought of me—whatever."

"Marvin Griswold, you and I have had our differences. And, you did walk out on me leaving me high and dry, but that's personal. This is business. You're not being fired. And, I expect you to perform as well in the future as you evidently have in the past, I mean for ACME." She looked over at the guard. He nodded. She passed me an envelope. I looked up at her suspicion written all over my face I was certain.

I opened the envelope. It was a check and a schedule. I had been scheduled to have an appointment with the boss, her, at 10:00AM. The check startled me. It was made out for $5,000.

I looked up at her again. "Thank you, I guess," I said. I was confused, stunned actually.

"Marvin, I know why you're in here. It was stupid of you, but I can't say I really blame you. It had to be a shock for you to see me like that. I should've let you know ahead of time. I should've realized how you'd likely react to my being your boss. My bad. I'm sorry. That said, can I assume you will be back to work after you've served your time in here?" she said. I nodded.

"Yeah, sure," I said. "I need the job. I won't try to fool you about that." Her turn to nod.

"Okay then. Please stop in and see me as soon as possible. There are some business matters we need to discuss," she said. With that she rose and headed for the door. She turned at the last second and looked back at me. "You look good, Marvin. I hope we can get along." She turned once again and was gone. I was led back to my cell to ponder my situation.

She seemed to be sincere. Still—well, I didn't have to deal with her except on a professional basis. If I was lucky, I might only have to see her for maybe half an hour once a week at the sales meetings. I could live with that. The check I was holding would come in handy.

There was still one question that I would like to have had the answer to: were we still married? I'd know soon enough, I guessed.

******

Allison and Parker arrived to pick me up when I was released. They took me to the impound where my car had been parked for the duration. Parker was friends with the judge who had my case, and that kept me from further embarrassment and punishment for my little faux pas. My gratitude was profuse.

"Marv, no more drinking and driving, okay. Judge Patterson will not be merciful in the future," said my lawyer.

"I gotcha, Parker. From now on cabs will be the modus operandi if the occasion ever again arises," said.

"Good," he said.

"So, your Janine visited you in there?" said Allison.

"She's not my Janine anymore, Allison , but yes, she gave me my check and assured me my job was safe. I have to say, I was more than a little surprised," I said.

"You gonna talk to her?" said Allison.

"I'll have to she's the boss. I'll see her at least once a week at the reps' meeting," I said.

"Marvin! You know what I mean," said Lilly.

I sighed, "I don't know Allison. Even after all of this time, I still carry the scars if you know what I mean. But, that said, I expect at some point it may happen. Who knows for sure though." She nodded her understanding, looked thoughtful and decided to unload on me.

"Marvin, you may or may not realize it, but you still love her. You might want to give her a chance to come back," said Allison.

"Me love Janine? Hah! No way," I said. "But, even granting that I might not know what I'm talking about; there's still the little codicil of whether or not she loves me! Hah! Answer that one, my dear girl," I said.

"A no brainer, Marvin; she does. She does or she never would have visited you in the jail. She would have waited for you to get out and invited you to your make up meeting, and that's if she didn't just decide to dump your unloved ass and give your territory to someone else," said Allison.

"Well, you couldn't prove it by me," I said.

"Yeah, well you are a man," she said, smiling like a possum. I was gnashing my teeth in frustration. This woman was a lot quicker than the average female, I'd agree, but, sometimes she was also as irritating as could be.

******

Parker had broken me out of the calaboose on Friday. That gave me two days to contemplate my meeting with the boss. On some level I still didn't completely believe that she wasn't setting me up for some kind of put down, but realistically, I doubted it. I figured it was like Parker said: she had two sides to her, the personal side and the business side, and never the twain should meet; that in sum was how Parker's theory went. Well, we'd see.

******

I decided to dress for the occasion. I have to admit I was shaking in my boots. Not because I was worried that my ex-woman would fire me. Not because I was concerned about what she might say of a personal nature that might open up old wounds, but because of pure down and dirty ego. She'd put me down so many times, and crushed the life out of my pride so many times, that I was not going to let myself be put down again. No sir! I was going to come out of that meeting with my self-esteem—well—steaming!

The suit I chose I'd bought some time before for a special presentation I'd made at the Regional Sales Reps Convention. It'd set me back two grand. The tie alone was $150, likewise the shoes. I went to my barber—a woman—and had my hair styled, something I did only rarely: today was a rare day. Whatever, I was going to outshine the mistress of stress and be ready for whatever might come. Of course, when all was said and done; she was the one with the loaded gun, not me: she could still fire me. Well fucking che sera sera!

"Jesus, Marvin, you look great," said Jenny, who was now a highly paid receptionist-secretary-all around assistant to the big cheese herself, as I walked into the office.

"Thanks, Jen, I needed that," I said. "I'm supposed to have an appointment," I said. I looked at my watch, "in six minutes."

"Yes, you are on tap, but the boss said to send you in as soon as you got here. So just go in.

"Marvin. Good luck," said Jenny, as I made my way to the boss' office.

"Thanks, girl, Luvyuh," I said.

I stood in front of the door for a full ten seconds before opening it. I could feel Jenny's eyes on my back. I twisted the knob and went in.

"Marvin..." was the first word of our, my, new boss. I nodded in her direction waiting for her to give me some kind of direction. She just stared at me.

"Marvin, you look marvelous," she said. She said it like it was a total shock to her. She recovered. "Uh—have a seat, Marvin."

"Thank you," I said. "If I may say so, you look good too." And, she did. She smiled her thanks.

"Well, here we are," she said. "It's been a long time. Not counting my little visit with you a few days ago, of course. Can I ask, how have you been, Marvin?"

"Good, making a life for myself. Mr. Bozman was good to me. I did my best for him. You might say we had a symbiotic relationship business-wise," I said. She looked pensive.

She rose and came around to the front of her desk and took the seat opposite me. She crossed her still shapely legs. At that moment it occurred to me; that she'd lost weight; she was much slimmer than I remembered. I had the feeling that she was trying her best to not be threatening. I noticed and appreciated her effort.

"I guess I need to get a few things cleared up between us first," she said. "Would that be all right?" Her tone was conciliatory.

"Sure. I'm here to get my marching orders," I said. She frowned.

"Marvin, our history—I'm sorry for the way I treated you in the old days. You had no way of knowing of course, but my brother Harley read me the riot act after you left, as did Clarisse, as did a few others. You were gone of course, and no one had a clue. I wanted to apologize then, but well, I couldn't. You were gone, so I'm apologizing now."

I didn't know what to say. So, I said the obvious. "Water under the bridge, Janine. No grudges here. It was all years ago. I will do the job, and I will do it well. I promise you that."

"Well good, and I knew you would. But, since you brought it up, I do need to say the obvious. I won't be showing you any favoritism, Marvin; I can't. It wouldn't be fair to the other reps. You understand?" she said. I smiled.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," I said. "I can hold my own. No favors required."

"Thank you. I knew you'd understand," she said. I had not expected favors, in fact, if anything I'd expected the opposite; so, what she'd said meant little though I suppose she'd had to say it.

"Marvin, if you want, we can go off the record now and get some of the personal stuff out of the way. I'm not asking you to, but if you want, it's okay," she said.

She'd surprised me. I figured that "someday" we'd have a sit down, but this seemed awfully soon. Still, the army had taught me a lot of things, and one big thing it had taught me, was that he who hesitates is lost.

"Maybe we could," I said. "But..."

"You will not be jeopardizing your job in any way, Marvin. We could wait, but sooner or later—well you know," she said. It almost seemed like she was reading my mind. I nodded.

"Janine, I left that night, after the dance—well—because my ego was crushed. It almost seemed like you were ashamed of me. I decided that I had to at least have the huevos to get the hell out since I sure didn't seem to have the balls to confront you. I loved you so much, Janine. And, every time you put me down I just wanted to die. I guess you could say that I was the ultimate pussy," I said. I paused; she took up the slack.

She sighed. Here it comes, I thought. "That was the problem, Marvin, part of it at any rate," she said. "Marvin, you were a pussy. I kept waiting for you to man up, and you never did. The fact is that I was kind of ashamed of you. And, there were other things.

"Other things?" I said. "That wasn't enough!" I'd raised my voice without realizing it. She looked up, a concerned expression owning her features. "Sorry, we need to do this, and I need to be calm. I promise to be calm, very calm. Go ahead if you want. I'm calm." I wasn't of course, but I was trying.

"When I married you, Marvin, I was overweight, stringy haired, and well, not really all that pretty. I settled for you. You seemed to like me, and I needed to be married and you were handsome, a little on the short side, but nice looking. You'd been in the army, so I figured you knew how to be man; I wanted you to be my man. No, I'll say it, I wanted you to be my knight in shining armor. Stupid as it sounds today; it was my thinking at the time. But...

"But?" I said, wanting her to get to it.

"Well, you never were, I mean my knight in shining armor. In bed you were at best boring. On the dance floor I felt funny because I was taller than you; I had to wear flats to deemphasize your height—or mine--whichever.

"Finally, I'd had it, one night, about ten years ago, I decided to hell with it, I was going to wear high heels. I put on my four-inch CFMs. We danced maybe two numbers that night, you and I, both fast. I couldn't bring myself to slow dance with you, Marvin, towering over you like I did with the heels and all. I guess that's when I began treating you so badly. I think subconsciously I wanted to divorce you."

"Fuck!" I said. "You sure know how to absolutely destroy a man. I could have gone my whole life and not heard any of this. I mean my whole fucking life!"

"Yes, well, you'll be pleased to know, mister, that after all of that. All of my arrogance and ruminating and doubting and wanting and doing—all of it—I grew up," She said.

"Huh?" I said.

"Once you left, I realized what I'd lost. A damn good husband. A husband who actually did love me, chunky body and all. A man who would do anything I asked, and do it immediately. I realized, Marvin, that I loved you. But there were still other things," she said.

"Fuck, Janine, is there any end to this litany of put downs!" I said.

"Marvin, once you were gone, I knew I had a choice to make. I could cry in my beer for the rest of my life, or I could get my act together and become a real adult. I decided on the latter.

"Marvin, I'm smart, and I'm talented. That's why I make the big bucks. You have your talents too, but they are not the kind of things that command the truly big dollars. But, that's okay. You do what you do better than anybody; and, it makes you happy. I know, I've been watching you from afar."

"What the fuck?" I said. "You've been spying on me?"

"No, no, nothing like that. But, once I was promoted by Curtis, one of my jobs was to evaluate personnel. When Curtis became interested in acquiring ACME, I was given the job of looking into the personnel here. It was unofficial and no records were kept, but I had to make a report on the sales force. Imagine my surprise when I found out that you were part of it. No, make that, there is no way you could possibly imagine my surprise," she said.

"Jesus!" I said.

"Marvin, I know about your friends, Allison and Parker. I know that at one time Allison and you were an item. It was then that I changed my name back to its maiden form. I knew then that there was no hope for you and me getting back together," she said.

"So we're divorced?" I said.

"No, not yet, I wanted to talk to you first. I'd done enough to you. I wanted that to be your decision. I'm not with anyone, Marvin, and I won't be. I should tell you, there have been a few men—lovers—but all short term, and no emotional attachment with any of them. Well, anyway, I do have needs. That said, Marvin, you're the only man who will ever have my heart. It took me a while to get that into my stupid female brain, but there it is," she said.

I was more than uncomfortable; I was fuming. "Let me see if I have this right," I said. "I'm lousy in bed. Sure as hell no knight in shining armor. I'm a pussy. I'm too short. And, not much of a bread winner. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, you love me."

"Marvin..."

"Janine, I think we need to end this. I really, really think we need to end this. Is that okay?" I said. She nodded. "Thank you." I got up and left without even shutting the door as I went out. Jenny gave me a quizzical look.

******

I did see Janine at the weekly meetings, now held each Thursday from 8:00 to 9:00AM. She acknowledged me most times, but made no attempt to show me any special consideration unless my sales figures happened to command it; that did happen more than once.

We didn't socialize, and I skipped most of the parties that the company occasionally threw wanting to avoid any kind of close proximity to her. The do's I did go to were uniformly small honoraria for this or that individual being promoted or retiring and the like. Janine, to her credit did give me my space and didn't try to drag me into close conversation or group discussion at any of them. In a word, she left me alone. I appreciated that, but never told her so.

It was the end of the year: Christmas time. I hadn't spoken to her privately since our meeting the previous January. We all got the memo: the Christmas Party was going to be on the 16th. I didn't plan to go. Well, I didn't plan to until Allison closeted me and put a gun to my head—figuratively.

"Marvin, you have to go. And, you have to stop being an asshole and talk to the woman, and I mean socially," she said. "For the record, Parker has had her checked out. She is not seeing anyone. Give you any ideas, big guy?"

"What? Why would Parker be doing something like that?" I said.

"You can't be serious, Marvin. We both care about you. If she was involved, we wanted to know to give you a heads up. She's not, so, we're giving you a heads up," she said, giggling.

"Allison, sometimes you go too far," I said. "You have no idea what she thinks of me. She laid it all out for me when she took over last January. She thinks I'm a nothing, no good in bed, not much of a bread winner; the list is long."

"Hmm, not much in bed? I thought you were okay. But, we girls are different, maybe she needs things that I didn't. No matter, she can train you. As for the breadwinner thing; well, that's nonsense. Besides, what if she is better at the money thing than you. Money isn't all there is to a relationship, not even.