Eirin Ch. 06

Eirin laughed as she explained about the season and all the people around them. Maria's enthusiasm was contagious and she found herself relaxing for the first time since they had arrived in London. Eirin had never really driven around or explored London very much. She and her father had spent most of their time at their country estate and had only arrived in London a couple of years ago. He had moved them there so that he could conduct some business then he had met Phillip and before they were able to move away again, he had died.

Phillip and Melissa had not had any interest in leaving. She had certainly left the house more often after they had moved in; however she had been so busy running errands that she had never bothered to look around. Looking at London through Maria's eyes made her realize how beautiful it was. She had never appreciated the gardens and parks she had seen in the past.

Their mood sobered quickly as they entered the novelties shop where Maria wanted to buy some lace to take home with her. The shopkeeper, a portly woman with a pinched face and severe bun, waddled up to them and started to usher them out the front door, "Servants in the back. Tell the girl back there who you are picking up for and she'll retrieve your order."

Eirin set her feet and looked at the woman with the haughtiest expression she had ever given another person. "I beg your pardon madam. I am Eirin Somers, daughter of the Duke of Somers. You, madam, do not know what you are talking about." Her voice was clipped and her tone was harsh as she spoke. She turned on her heel and headed for the door.

The shopkeeper's voice stopped her, but she didn't turn around as she listened to the woman speak, "My Lady, I am so sorry. Of course, I should have known, won't you come in? Can I show you some special lace that has just arrived?" The woman was practically pleading by this time.

Eirin turned then, her expression just as closed and unforgiving, "No, you have lost my business today and probably for anytime in the near future. I would think of this the next time you make a snap decision about someone who enters your establishment."

Eirin held her back straight as she left the shop but her face was a bright red and her steps quickened as they reached the street. Eirin all but ran to the carriage with Maria stumbling to keep up with her. Eirin yelled to the driver to take her home and slammed the door after them after they climbed in. She was shaking but her back was straight and her chin was up.

Maria looked at Eirin with a combination of compassion and censure. She was pale and her hair was dull. She was wearing the dress she had left the estate in. She had worn the same dress every day for a week, refusing to wear the clothes Lord Hawthorn had bought her, insisting that they were not hers, and therefore, she did not want to chance ruining them. Eirin's hands, twisting in her lap, were rough from the hot water she had used to wash Melissa's bandages.

Maria snapped up from her seat and yelled through the window for their driver to stop. She then jumped out of the carriage and went and held a low, rushed conversation with him. Eirin looked at her as she reentered the carriage, too tired now to even question Maria about the conversation with the driver. She rested her head on the back of the seat and closed her eyes, sorry that she had ever come out today. She had forgotten herself. She was no Lady. She had no right to tour around London like a school girl, giggling and gossiping.

As the carriage pulled to a stop, Eirin used all of her remaining strength to open her eyes and pull herself away from the seat. Halfway out the door, she pulled up short; they were not back at her townhouse. They were still in the shopping district in front of one of the premiere modistes. Eirin backed herself up into the carriage again, pulling the door closed as she went. "Please, Maria, if you want to go shopping, let me off at home. The driver will be able to take you wherever you want to go, you don't need me."

Maria could hear the quiver in Eirin's voice and almost changed her mind; however she remembered Lord Hawthorn's instructions and steeled her resolve. In her mind, Eirin needed this anyway. She would never want to become a wife until she once again felt like a woman. Eirin needed to realize that though her circumstances had changed, she herself had not.

"This is not for me, dearie. You need some new clothes; no young Lady should be out in those clothes. I'm ashamed of myself for not thinking of it before."

"No! Maria, I have no money for clothes, I'm saving my allowance to pay back Lord Hawthorn. This is fine, I swear, I just want to go home." Eirin's voice started breaking at the end, but Maria was already shaking her head.

"Pah, you do not need to pay him back all that money. It was his own fault. He knew money was missing from the house accounts, as well as silver from the rooms. I had told him months before. He is the one who was so caught up in his own affairs he didn't pay any attention to me. Furthermore, he is the one who abused you, if anything he should pay you!"

Eirin's face paled at that. For him to pay her for what he did to her made her really and truly a whore. Then she remembered the look he had given her that morning and she could feel herself flush. Each night, when he held her while he thought she slept, it filled her entire belly with butterflies, and the tickle of his whispers through her hair and the dance of his fingers on her arm made her tingle.

Maria realized what she had said and quickly reached out to take Eirin's hand in her own. "Oh, honey, not like that. I swear, I just meant that he has a lot of making up to you to do. He was such a brute and he should have realized it long before. Oh, no, please, don't look like that, I swear, I didn't mean to say it like that..."

Eirin cut her off, almost laughing at Maria's babbling, even in her own confusion and depression. "I knew what you were saying, I really did Maria. It's just how it sounded." Eirin sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Please? I really would like to go home."

"Honey, you need this. You need to remember what it is to be a Lady. You feel as if you can't be that anymore. But a Lady is who you are, no one can take that away from you, you can't even take it away from yourself. It's not about what you've done or what's been done to you. You were born and raised a Lady; you just need a reminder of it. Come in here with me, please?"

"I can't, I'm so ashamed of myself; of what I've become."

"What you've become is a strong woman who has found her voice. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Sweetie, it's not like anyone even knows what has happened; all the shame you feel is in your own head. Lord Hawthorn will marry you and you will see yourself as everyone else does."

At that Eirin pulled her hands away from Maria as her face closed again. "I am not marrying Lord Hawthorn." Maria had never heard that tone of voice from Eirin before.

"Well, why not? Didn't he offer? I know he wants to." Maria reached out to once again take Eirin's hands but Eirin pulled away from her before they could touch again, ignoring the hurt look in Maria's eyes.

"He did not offer, he ordered. I am no one's responsibility, Maria. I don't need Lord Hawthorn to take care of me for my reputation. I will never marry someone just because he feels it his duty, or because he feels guilty."

"He doesn't want to marry you because he feels guilty or because it's his duty, he loves you Eirin; can't you see that?"

"What I see is that he used me for months and he had no problem with it until he found out who I was. What I see is that he is still running my life and I don't want him to, I want him to leave me alone. Let me try to pick up the pieces that are left and leave. I can't stay here with him; I can't see him every day, see the heat in his eyes or feel the tenderness in his hands." Eirin was sobbing and Maria hurried to take her in her arms.

"Eirin, honey, you can't run from your own heart. What you are feeling is love. I know it hurts but you can't make the hurt go way just because he leaves. Listen to what your heart tells you."

"It doesn't make any difference if I love him; I know he only wants to marry me because it's his duty."

"Do me this favor; just give him a chance. Stop assuming you know how he feels or what he thinks." Eirin finally nodded at Maria, though she wasn't sure she would be able to follow through with her promise. "Ok, now, I'm going into this shop and I'm going to get a beautiful new dress to surprise my husband with when I get home. I would really like it if you would come in with me; you would make me even happier if you would buy some dresses for yourself."

Eirin finally gave in and agreed, so they went into the store. Maria talked Eirin into getting several outfits that they picked out together and they each got an outfit to wear home. Maria was delighted that Eirin seemed to loosen up so much and was secretly pleased at how well she had succeeded that day.

She had not only managed to keep Eirin out of the house for the entire day but she would be bringing her back in a dress that would really impress Lord Hawthorn. She held a secret smile with her the entire way home, filled with new confidence that Eirin would let Lord Hawthorn into her heart.

****

Lord Hawthorn spent the day frantically trying to prepare everything for when Eirin arrived home. He started by calling Mr. Prewitt to the house and preparing documents to return all of Eirin's property back to her. They had one argument because Mr. Prewitt said he couldn't return the entailed property back to her; first of all, she was a woman, and the property was entailed to the male heir, second the property was tied up in her father's will and he made arrangement for her to receive it at the age of twenty-five. They compromised by returning it to Mr. Prewitt's control with the agreement that Lord Hawthorn himself would silently oversee them.

Mr. Prewitt had also given him the information he had been waiting for about Phillip. In some ways he was relieved, but on the other hand, he wished he could have gotten to him first. He had wanted to punish Phillip himself. He consoled himself with the thought that at least Phillip would never be able to hurt Eirin again.

After the solicitor left, Lord Hawthorn arranged to have Melissa removed from the house immediately, accompanying her to the hospital where it appeared she would be spending the rest of her life.

Once he had the house back to how he wanted it, he started preparations for Eirin's return. He had planned a special dinner for her and arranged for the servants to be out for the night. He couldn't put off all he wanted to discuss with Eirin any longer; he just hoped she would be willing to speak to him.

****

As they pulled up to the townhouse, Eirin was feeling more like her old self. She still didn't like fittings or shopping, but she realized that she really did enjoy dressing properly. Eirin also felt stronger, and she knew she would be able to at least give Lord Hawthorn a chance. She had spent so much time avoiding him she hadn't even realized how much he had done for her. Now, looking back, she could see it. He had been extremely considerate of her since they had arrived in London, and even before if she were going to be honest with herself.

They entered the door to see that most of the lights were out and no one was around. Eirin was worried and her brows were furrowed in confusion as she looked towards Maria for an answer. Maria just shrugged and shut the door behind her before she led Eirin the rest of the way into the house.

Eirin jumped at the sound of footsteps on the stairs; she turned to see Lord Hawthorn coming down, holding a candelabra. He was dressed formally in a black suit with an intricately tied cravat at his neck. He also wore a huge smile, but as he came closer she could see that his eyes were guarded.

"More beautiful women I don't think I've ever seen." He approached them and bowed formally, taking first Maria's hand and then Eirin's to proffer a kiss. Eirin could see that Maria was blushing and couldn't stop herself from smiling.

Looking back towards Lord Hawthorn, she saw him hold out his arm towards her. She was surprised when he took her hand to slip it through his arm and invited her to dine with him. Her surprise was doubled when, instead of going into the dining room, he led her back up the stairs.

The arrived in the Lord's solar and Eirin's eyes widened at what she saw. The room was lit by hundreds of candles on every surface. There was a small fire in the fireplace and set in front of it was a low table filled with food of every kind. Set around the table were at least a dozen cushions. She turned back towards Lord Hawthorn and saw the uncertainty in his eyes.

Lord Hawthorn watched Eirin's expression as she entered the room. He so hoped that she would be pleased and didn't realize he was holding his breath until after he saw her smile and felt all the air leave his lungs. He tried to make himself relax, knowing he wouldn't be able to do anything tonight if he didn't.

Pulling himself together, he led her to the table and helped her arrange herself on some of the cushions before the table. Heading back to the other side of the table, he couldn't stop himself from commenting, "You really do look beautiful. I've always thought you were lovely but somehow, today, you seem even more beautiful. Did you and Maria have a nice day?"

Eirin held out her glass for Lord Hawthorn to fill as she answered, "Yes, thank you. It was a very nice day. Maria mentioned something about bringing her husband back next year to attend the opera." She giggled as she thought of it. She went on to explain all they had seen and Maria's reaction to everything.

Before long, they were well into their meal and talking as if they had never had been at odds. Lord Hawthorn could feel himself slowly relaxing as their conversation continued. He was so relieved that the evening was going well; he had been afraid she would refuse to dine with him or that if she did, she would be sullen and harsh.

He watched her eyes light up as she described some of the sites they had seen and he felt his stomach clench at how radiant she was. He once again mentally kicked himself for ever believing she could have been anything than what she was, a wonderful, beautiful young Lady. He had let his own jaded childhood color his views on everything. If he had been less jaded in the first place, he never would have believed Phillip and he would spend the rest of his life sorry for what he had put her through. He just hoped that she would give him the chance to make it up to her, forever if necessary.

As Eirin sat back, indicating she was full, Lord Hawthorn leaned forward and laid his hands on the table. Now was the time he had been most nervous about. He knew he had to tell her. Some of what he was going to tell her would please them both but the rest of the information would be very distressing; the last thing he wanted to do was distress her anymore.

Before he could start, Eirin addressed him, "Lord Hawthorn. . ."

Lord Hawthorn interrupted her, "Please, my name is Christopher. I know you do not want to be too familiar with me but please, if you do nothing else, use my Christian name?"

Eirin nodded, "Christopher, yes, I am sorry. What I wanted to say was that I was sorry for the way I have treated you this past week. I know you have tried to help me this week you didn't deserve my behavior."

"No, Eirin, you have nothing to apologize for. You have never done anything wrong; it is I who should be apologizing. None of this would have ever happened if it weren't for me." Lord Hawthorn balled his hands on the table to prevent himself from reaching out to her. He wanted nothing more than to hold her but even if she would let him, it wasn't time yet.

"Don't take responsibility for that which was not your fault. Phillip and Melissa put me in the positions I have found myself in and I let them. I was devastated by my father's death; I couldn't find the will to fight them and it was easier to just do what they said and bury my own grief." Eirin looked down at her lap as she thought back upon the last year and all that she had allowed to happen.

Lord Hawthorn quickly scooted around the table and lifted her chin with his finger. "Eirin, why would you blame yourself?"

"I don't blame myself, not really. But, I do accept responsibility for not standing up to the two of them. I knew something was not right when they moved in so quickly, but I didn't care. All I cared about was the fact that my father was gone. Mr. Prewitt tried to help get me out of the house, but I just spurned him."

Cradling her head against his shoulder, Lord Hawthorn leaned close to Eirin and whispered against her hair. "Eirin, the fact of the matter is, we can live our lives looking behind us and thinking 'what if' but that doesn't accomplish anything. There is not a single person who blames you for anything that's happened. You couldn't stop your father's death or Phillip's and Melissa's actions. Please don't punish yourself for other's actions against you."

Eirin nodded her head against his shoulder and he felt her entire body shudder with a sigh. Holding her tighter, he almost couldn't go through with his plan for the night but he knew that he couldn't do that to her. He respected her too much to hold anything back from her.

Taking her shoulders in his hands he moved her back until he could see her eyes. "Eirin, I must speak to you. I heard from Mr. Prewitt today," he interrupted himself at the look in her eyes, "no hold on, I'm going to tell you everything."

They rearranged themselves on the cushions so that they were facing each other, sitting cross-legged within touching distance. Lord Hawthorn could see the tension in Eirin's face and knew that she was afraid of what she was about to find out, but she was strong and he knew that she still wanted the information.

"First of all, I've had Melissa moved to Belle View today. They will keep her until she is well enough to be released. However, I have to tell you, after she arrived there she passed a mirror and saw her face. She had a sort of breakdown, somewhat worse than she had been. I doubt she'll ever be able to leave. The hospital also says that she is pregnant. They had to tie her back down to her bed again because she tried to hurt the babe.

The hospital asked me if I was responsible for Melissa and if I would therefore be responsible for the child. I told them that I would discuss it with you. Everyone would understand if you wanted the child sent to an orphanage, the child isn't your responsibility."

"Oh no, it's not the child's fault that she was her mother. The poor child, just think what could happen if no one wanted it! All children deserve love. No, no, no, I will take the child; will they let me have her?"

Lord Hawthorn felt his breath let go as he realized he was waiting for her answer. He once again remembered his own mother's actions and knew in that instance that he would have to take his words of advice he had given Eirin. He had to let go of the past and move on.

"Yes, Eirin, Mr. Prewitt can arrange for you to keep the child." He watched as Eirin's eyes brightened at the thought of having a child and though he hadn't thought he could be anymore in love with her, he discovered he had been wrong. Eirin was more than any man could ever hope for.

"Mr. Prewitt also brought news of Phillip." He hated watching her face pale at the words but she needed to know. "The investigators do not know what happened, but they found him naked in an alley behind a pub. He had been beaten and violated."