Embracing the Tension Ch. 02

That question got Chloe stumped. She stared at the picture, head tilted in a way that reminded Erik of her uncle, then she grinned and shrugged. "I like all of them."

"Well, which one do you want today?" Erik asked with a laugh.

"We usually get the Country Style." Ryan jumped in. "It's got some vegetables."

Erik caught the sheepish look Ryan shot him.

When they settled at the table with their food, jellyfish stored safely on top of an extra chair, Chloe looked at Erik with a serious expression. "Uncle Erik, are you and Uncle Ry boyfriends?"

Erik stopped in mid-chew and looked to Ryan for help.

"Uh, no Chloe." Ryan was looking at Erik as he spoke, with a slight tilt to his lips and a warmth in his eyes. "Uncle Erik and I are just friends, good friends."

Chloe looked back and forth between them, her five-year-old brain assessing what her eyes saw. Then with a nod, she went back to eating her fries. Erik held Ryan's gaze, trying to assess for himself Ryan's intent behind that comment. He couldn't figure it out before Ryan spoke again.

"So, what are you doing the second weekend of October?" Ryan asked.

Second weekend in October—Erik wracked his brain. "Columbus Day?"

"No, Thanksgiving!" Chloe answered, looking exasperated. Erik realized he must have seemed like a real dummy to her: he didn't what poutine was, didn't know that Thanksgiving was in October.

"Oh, Canadian Thanksgiving," Erik clarified.

"Yeah, but just Thanksgiving up here." Ryan's tone was light and teasing, and his grin widened.

"Um, I don't think I'm doing anything." He answered the original question. "Why?"

"You should come up for Thanksgiving." Ryan glanced down at his food as he said this and then quickly shoved a fork full of fries into his mouth.

"Oh..."

"Yeah! You should come!" At least Chloe was on board with the idea. "Mommy makes turkey! And Mémé is coming, too!"

"My mom, from Montreal," Ryan clarified after he swallowed his mouthful of food.

Erik hesitated. He didn't want to impose on a holiday, but hadn't he just been thinking how Chloe and Ryan felt more comfortable to him than his own family? This was crazy. Yes, he had wanted to rebuild whatever it was that remained of his relationship with Ryan, but traveling to another country to spend Thanksgiving with his family wasn't exactly what Erik had had in mind. But then, what did he have in mind? Hot sex? With the hopeful warmth he read in Ryan's eyes and the excited, expectant look Chloe was giving him, Erik wondered if perhaps Thanksgiving was the better option.

He smiled. "Sure, I'd love to."

###

Home. Finally. It had been a long week of travel, schmoozing, and selling the film. He lay on his bed where he collapsed as soon as he got in the door. Erik realized how much he missed sleeping on his familiar mattress with his familiar sheets.

And then there had been Ryan. A smile spread across Erik's face even though there wasn't anyone to see it. Ryan, with that sexy beard and lopsided smile. Ryan, doting uncle. It had only been a few hours since they'd parted, but Erik already found himself missing him. Was it too early to call? It was too early to call.

He dragged himself off the bed and into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the stiffness that built from sitting in a cramped airplane seat. With eyes closed, head tilted back, and nothing to listen to but the sound of the water running over his face, Erik sighed.

He suddenly felt so tired. Not just from the trip or the flight, but tired in a way he had never felt before. Like he wanted to turn off his brain, crawl into bed, and just sleep. And sleep. And sleep.

The film had done well, and a mid-sized distribution company had expressed interest in picking it up. Erik had set up a meeting with them next week to discuss the details. He should have been excited about that, but he wasn't nearly as excited as he thought he would be.

He had other projects waiting, all at various stages of readiness. Some were still with the writers, getting a bit of extra polish. Others were waiting on news of financial backing. All were interesting, but as Erik thought through what he had to do for each one, none of them felt exciting to him. Not the way this type of work used to be.

Stepping out of the shower, he ignored his unpacked suitcase and slid immediately into bed. He deserved one night off after an entire week on the go. Curled up under his duvet, he stared at Ryan's number on his phone. It was still too early to call.

So instead, Erik stalked him on Facebook. There wasn't much to stalk, not that Erik expected there to be. Ryan's profile picture was of him and Chloe, his posts were mostly wishes of happy birthday to other friends. He would occasionally post an interesting article about psychology, but that was pretty much it. Private. Reserved. That was Ryan.

Still too early to call? Erik's thumb hovered over the green call button. Fuck it.

Ryan picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. Erik."

"Hey!" He sounded happy. Maybe it hadn't been too early to call. Erik grinned.

"You're back in New York? How was the flight?"

"Fine. It's short, so not so bad. Really tight seats, though."

"Yeah, I remember. Oh, and thanks again for that giant jellyfish. Chloe wouldn't let go of it all day. We even had to give it its own seat at the dinner table."

Erik laughed at the image of a giant magenta jellyfish sitting around the table with the family. "I'm glad she liked it. Thanks for letting me come."

"I'm really glad you did."

"Same here."

Silence fell over the line, tinged with a hint of awkwardness. Erik wasn't entirely sure why he called, so he didn't have anything specific to talk about. Not that that had ever been a problem in the past. But with Ryan, small talk felt frivolous and empty.

"I'm glad we ran into each other again." Ryan's voice was softer now, settling into something more comfortable.

"That's thanks to you. If you hadn't come to my talk, I wouldn't have even known you were in Toronto."

A light chuckle came across the line. "I've always wanted to reach out, you know, after I left New York."

"Why didn't you?" That question had nagged at Erik.

Ryan didn't respond immediately, and Erik could hear light breathing through the phone.

"It was hard." Ryan's voice was even lower now, the grave texture pronounced at this volume. "I was so confused at the time. And by the time I had a better grasp on things, it had been so long."

"I wouldn't have cared." That was true. Despite having moved on with his life, Ryan had never been far from Erik's mind.

Ryan chuckled. "Yeah, but I think it's more that I didn't know how."

Erik could understand that. Once inertia set in, it was often difficult to move against it.

"So, you have everything figured out now?" He asked.

Ryan's chuckle was drier this time. "Do you want the philosophical answer? Or the real-life answer?"

"Both."

"Well, philosophically, I don't think anyone ever has it all figured out."

"That's true."

"There are plenty of things that are still pretty fucked up in my life. According to my sister, my inability to date a man is one of them."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, but I guess you know where that comes from."

"Yeah."

"In real life? I'm in a much better place than I was a few years ago." Ryan sounded genuine, at peace with himself.

Erik found himself dwelling on that sound and the contented feeling that came with it. Most people he knew didn't speak with that kind of quality to their words. He didn't ever speak like that, either. He wanted to hear more of it.

"What do you mean better place?"

Ryan sighed before speaking. "I don't know, exactly. Life feels easier here. Like I have room to breathe. I never felt that way in New York. New York was always so aggressive, I always felt like I had to be 'on', and if I stopped, I'd get run over."

"That's probably an accurate description."

"It was exhausting."

"So, Toronto's quieter."

"Yeah, sometimes too quiet." Ryan admitted. "It took me a while to adjust."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it was hard to slow down when default mode was 'run over anyone who gets in the way.'"

Erik chuckled at that; that was how most New Yorkers operated.

"Don't you ever get tired of New York?" Ryan asked.

He thought about it for a moment before he answered. "I don't really think it matters. Where else would I go?"

"Anywhere."

"Yeah, but..." The thought of leaving New York was like someone asking him to move to Mars, so far-fetched that it wasn't worth consideration.

On the other end of the phone, Ryan chuckled, but Erik didn't get the joke.

"You know, New York isn't the be-all and end-all."

"Isn't it?"

"It's an awesome place, but it's also fucking crazy."

"That's part of the charm."

"Until it kills you."

"Yeah, but... it's New York."

There was a pause before Ryan spoke again. "Look, I'm just saying that I know first-hand how stressful New York can be. I was reluctant to leave at first, too, then I realized it's actually better not living there."

Erik had to admit that Ryan looked a lot more at ease in Toronto than he had in New York. But whether that was due to moving away, not doing porn, both, or something else entirely, Erik didn't know.

"I'm glad it's working for you," Erik responded. "I really am. But New York's home for me now. So whatever crazy shit the city throws at me, I'll just have to figure out how to deal with it."

Ryan sighed heavily into the phone, and Erik could almost feel words struggling to be formed on the other end of the line. Instead, they settled into a silence, each just listening to the other breathe. It should have felt awkward, but it wasn't.

He could almost imagine Ryan gazing at him, thoughts running rampant behind those intense eyes. Erik had always found them to be vivid and enigmatic at the same time; they could express the deepest of emotion and yet completely obscure what Ryan was thinking.

"Well, anyways, I'm glad you called." Ryan's voice had dropped back to that low, gravelly rumble.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Another sigh.

"I'm glad I called, too." Erik admitted. "I'd like to keep calling."

Ryan's light chuckle carried over the line. "You don't need permission."

"Just checking."

"I'd like it if you kept calling."

That was the answer Erik wanted to hear. He smiled, and even as they hung up and he settled into bed, the smile made him feel light and fluttery inside. He couldn't wait for the next phone call.