I swore under my breath as Jason sat calmly across from me, waiting for my move. He released a long, steady breath. I saw the edge of his mouth twitch, his lips smiling slightly. He saw something I didn’t see, and I knew it. This was the part of the game I was worst at, the end, when I had very few pieces left. He didn’t have many pieces himself; we were actually evenly matched…for now.
My heartbeat quickened as Jason reached for his rook, moving it two spaces to the left of my bishop. He pulled his hand away and I scanned the board. There were only a couple of places I could move to get away from his rook, but not fall victim to his own bishop. Tentatively I picked up the cold black plastic, lifting it from the board and slowly setting it down on the square diagonal to his rook. I was out of that piece’s way, and there was no way it could take my own rook. Looking at Jason’s face, I began to release my piece, my hand moving back towards my side of the table. There was more at stake in this game than the measly plastic king, and my backside ached just thinking about it.
It seemed as though I had made the stupidest mistake of all, and one of Jason’s pawns marched proudly towards the front line. None of my pieces were in any position to stop it, and all I could do was get my rook over to where it could stop the inevitable queen.
Too hastily I moved my rook aside, leaving my king naked and alone in the corner of the board. Jason looked at me, shook his head slightly with a smile on his lips, and moved his rook. I was stunned.
“Check mate, I think,” Jason said. I looked up into his smirking face.
“Goddamnit,” I swore. “That wasn’t fair.”
“Why not?” he said, his full red lips stretching across his face in a satisfied grin. “I won, fair and square. You just try to prove otherwise.”
“Goddamnit,” I repeated, standing up and storming away from the table. My face felt like it was on fire. Fear that had swollen in my belly as the game had gone on and on was finally coming to the surface, and I felt tears burning in the corners of my eyes. I stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door, locking it behind me.
“Sarah,” I heard from outside the door.
Refusing to acknowledge him, I sat down on the toilet and buried my face in my hands. The tears were really flowing now, hot streams of the liquid running down my face. It had been stupid to make this deal anyway, but I guess I didn’t always make the right decisions.
“Listen, Sarah,” Jason said, his voice a little quieter and calmer. “I didn’t seriously expect you to go through your side of the deal anyway. I know you, okay, and I know that that wasn’t the sort of thing you’d agree to.”
Suddenly some of my fear turned to anger.
“You assumed I would break my end of the deal?” I shouted at him.
“Well, aren’t you?” he said, a sneer in his voice. “Come on out, we’ll go to a movie.”
Something inside me felt uncomfortable. A movie is what I had wanted, it was what I would have claimed as my prize if I had won the game of chess. But I had lost, and by rights I should be giving him his prize, but instead I was receiving my prize anyway. I felt cheap, and awful.
“I’m sorry, Jason,” I said softly. I wiped the tears away from my face, sniffing loudly and reaching for a tissue. “You really want to go to a movie?”
“No,” he said, a little bit of anger coming through the thick door. “But I don’t want you to be mad at me all night.”
I didn’t move, just sat there thinking. My head was throbbing, and I knew a killer headache was on its way. I should probably lay down and go to sleep a little early, but I wanted to see a movie…
“Come on,” I heard. “Get out of there, okay? Just talk to me.”
Sniffing again I stood and opened the door. It swung inwards and I took a step back to let it open all the way, then I sat back down on the toilet. Jason was scowling down at me, but I kept my head in my hands, refusing to look him in the face.
“We can do it later, okay?” I suggested. “You won, so we’ll do it. But, later, okay?”
“Right,” Jason said. I could tell by his tone that he didn’t believe me. Honestly, I didn’t know if I believed myself. Sometimes I seemed to have a way of pushing things so far that I didn’t even know what was true anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, sniffing for drama.
This time Jason didn’t say anything, just stood silently as I rubbed my face with my hands. Cracking my fingers open, I peered up at him. He was still scowling, and I shivered at the look in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I love you.” He didn’t reply. Frowning I looked down again, playing the part of the victim. “Can you just hold me? I don’t feel good.”
“Sarah,” Jason started. He stopped and didn’t say anything, just shook his head and walked out of the bathroom.
I sat there a few moments feeling sorry for myself before my emotions started conflicting. On the one hand, I was scared to death about what I had promised to do if I lost at chess. But on the other hand I didn’t want him to think that I was going back on my word.
“Jason?” I called out once, then again a little louder. I didn’t hear him respond. Pushing myself up from the toilet seat I ventured out into the apartment in search of my boyfriend. “Jason?” I called again, poking my head around doorways to see if I could find him. He was in the living room, sitting on the couch, staring at the wall with a blank expression on his face. “Baby,” I moaned. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t respond. Frustrated I walked in front of him and sank to my knees, looking up at his impassive face from my place on the floor. “Baby,” I said again. “I love you and I’m sorry.”
“You’re always sorry,” he said. He didn’t sound angry, which was a plus, but he sounded sad. “You know how many times you’ve gone back on this? I knew tonight would just be another one. For some reason I keep playing your games…but this is the last time, okay? I won’t play anymore.”
I felt the tears in my eyes again, and I leaned forward, taking his legs in my arms and hugging them close to my chest.
“Baby,” I whimpered. “Please don’t be mad at me. I love you…I’m just scared.” Softly I kissed the leg of his jeans, the rough fabric rubbing against my wet lips. I pushed my forehead against his knee and rubbed it lightly, kissing his leg again. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
“It’s okay,” Jason said, but his voice was the same; sad. He put his hand down in my hair and stroked it softly. I closed my eyes and smiled, the feel of his large hand on my head comforting me. “But I’m serious, you know?”
“I know,” I said, but I didn’t really. I heard what he was saying, but it didn’t register in my brain that he meant what he said. He said this every time.
“I think,” he said, and paused. I heard him take a deep breath and his hand stopped playing with my hair. “I think we need some time apart.”
I stopped rubbing my face against his leg. Not looking at him, just sitting there with my cheek pressed against the denim, I frowned. The tears that had so recently dried began to form again, and I choked back a sob.
“What do you mean?” I asked, stupidly. Jason lived with me; where would he go to have some time away from me?
“I mean,” he said, his voice shaking a little bit, “That I think I should go visit my parents for a while. I’ll still pay my half of the rent this month, and the bills…I know you can’t afford to take care of it yourself…but I just think we need some time apart.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” I said, trying to control my voice. I didn’t want to get hysterical, which I knew from experience was bound to happen. No matter how hard I tried to control my anger and fear it always surfaced, and I always ended up screaming my head off before the night was over.
“I don’t know,” he said, and his hand left my head completely.
That weight lifting seemed to be the last straw to my emotions. I began to cry in earnest, clinging to his leg as I babbled incoherently.
“Don’t leave me,” I kept repeating. “Please, Jason, don’t leave me!”
“Sarah,” he sighed, putting his hand back on my head. When I felt the weight there, comforting me, I stopped my whimpering, but could not stop clinging to his leg. “Let’s just go to sleep, okay? We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
I nodded against his leg and released him so that he could stand up.
“Come on,” he said, holding his hand out to me. Not meeting his face I took his hand and allowed him to help me up. Clinging to his hand I walked with him to the bedroom, where I stepped out of my clothes easily and crawled naked into our large bed.
Jason turned out the light and joined me under the cool sheets, his own body still covered in his t-shirt and briefs. I felt alone, even with the warmth radiating from his skin, and I pressed myself close to him. My eyes were shut, my tears had stopped, but I could not stop my heavy breathing. Fear seemed to be filling me entirely, and I wrapped my body around his for comfort. Settling my leg over his crotch, my arms around his chest, and my head on his shoulder I sniffed loudly and tried to sleep. His steady breaths, his chest rising and falling, his heartbeat filling my ears, seemed to take me over completely.
My conscious needed me to follow through on this promise. If only I could submit to his needs, put my selfishness and own fears aside, then he would be happy and my mind would be clear. But it was impossible for me to admit out loud.
Finally I fell into a dreamless sleep.
I woke up to something hard pressing against my bottom. The room was filled with light, the sun already well on its way up the sky. I looked at the clock, my vision taking a moment to focus before I could read the digital seven. A while yet before either of us had to go to work then, I thought to myself, and pressed my body closer to his.
Sometime during the night we had shifted into a spooning position, my back against his front and his arms clasped tight around me. I could feel the rough fabric of his shirt against my skin, and the bulge in his briefs against the back of my thighs, the thick member prodding against the rear entrance to my sex.
He moaned softly in his sleep, hugging me tighter, and I closed my eyes, a smile forming on my lips. I felt safe in his arms, easily forgetting the fight we’d had the night before. He had probably forgotten it, too.
Last night hadn’t been the first time we had argued. It hadn’t even been the first time we had argued about this particular subject. Jason had this urge to have me in a way no other man had taken me. I hadn’t been a virgin when we had met, and I thought that sometimes he felt badly about that. He wanted to go where no man had gone before, so to speak, but I was too scared to let him.
Time and time again I had agreed to try this alternate form of sex, a thing I knew he fantasized about often. On the one hand I wanted to please him, to let him be my first, and to share a new experience with the man I loved. But on the other hand I was so frightened…my friends said that I’d worked myself up over it, put my mind in a little state of frenzy that I wouldn’t be able to get around.
If I had done it to myself, given myself this mental wall, then I regretted it, but I didn’t know how to get past the barrier in my head. For some reason, almost every week I thought I could go through with it, and I would promise Jason again that this would be the night. But so far I’d chickened out each time, and Jason was getting very negative about the whole thing. I didn’t blame him, really…if I said I was going to do it I should just do it.
Behind me, Jason made a soft noise in his sleep that made me smile. His body was so soft against mine, all except one part of it. I nuzzled back, turning my head and kissing his shoulder softly through his shirt. He moaned again and loosened his arms slightly around me.
Smiling, I thought to myself how lucky I was to have him. I turned around in his arms, facing him, my bare body scratching against his t-shirt. Slowly I moved my hand down, between our bodies, until I was gripping his member through his briefs. Jason parted his lips slightly and groaned. I wasn’t sure he was still entirely asleep.
In my hand his cock stirred, blood making it swell a little larger, and it pushed against the waistband of his briefs. Feeling generous I moved my fingers and pulled the elastic out of the way, releasing the head of his member from the briefs. Loosening his arms around me even more, Jason thrust his hips slightly forward, rubbing the soft head of his cock against my bare belly.
Slipping down his body I moved myself under the sheets, the darkness of the bed making me almost blind. But I had my hands to direct me towards my target, and I found his thick cock with my lips. Softly I kissed the tip, tasting the sour flavor of the early morning erection. Jason moaned, above me, and pushed his cock gently closer to my face.
Shutting my eyes I rubbed my lips against the exposed head. The rest of his cock seemed to be aching for release, and slowly I peeled his briefs down his thighs, all the while kissing and licking at the head. Soon it was wet with my saliva, my tongue slickly moving back and forth across the round head.
Jason lifted his waist to help me get his underwear off, and I left them there at his feet. Free of the briefs his cock bobbed happily. I could feel the engorged head pulsing with his desire.
This was the place I felt most powerful, between his legs, my mouth on his cock. Every ounce of his pleasure could be controlled or denied from this position, and a moan escaped my throat as I thought of this. Opening wide, I took his whole length into my body, swallowing him whole. Quickly I moved off, not able to deep throat for long. I wanted him to just get a taste of my throat and of the pleasures I could possibly bring him. Taking his head into my mouth I sucked softly, lapping at the soft underside of him with my long tongue. He moaned again and thrust further into my mouth, but this is where I was in control, and I easily moved so only the head of his cock was getting any of my tongue’s massage.
I knew he was awake, and his hard-on was so thick it was nearly to the bursting point. My lips tightened around the head and I sucked hard, pulling his cock and pushing it against the roof of my mouth with my tongue. With the tip of my tongue I prodded at the tiny hole at the end, tasting a salty drop of fluid as Jason moaned again.
My hands shifted underneath me and I reached for his balls, cupping the warm globes and rubbing them softly through the silky scrotum. The skin tightened and loosened as I toyed with the sensitive areas, and my lips stretched into a smile around Jason’s cock as I continued to suck on him softly.
There was no real intensity to this blowjob, just a nice laid back relaxation as I allowed him to feel the sweetness of my mouth. I knew that this kind of contact drove my boyfriend wild, always making him want more. He could only take it for so long before he wanted to finish, and this leisurely sucking wouldn’t provide him the right stimulation to climax.
Closing my eyes I concentrated on taking him into my throat again, teasing him one more time before I knew he would take control. While I liked to have power over him for a little while, it was always exciting when he took it back from me. Sure enough, as soon as I felt the round head poking at the back of my throat, I felt Jason’s large hands gripping my hair.
Almost gently he gripped my hair and my head, forcing my mouth to remain on his cock long after I would have pulled away. Making a small choking sound in my throat, I tried to move off, but didn’t get very far before his hands pushed me back down. I closed my eyes and allowed him to move me how he liked for a couple of minutes, timing the strokes himself, his large cock pumping into my mouth as I struggled to lick at it between thrusts.
Expecting him to do this until he came, I was surprised when his hands let go of my head and his hips fell back onto the bed.
Lifting my head from the sheets I looked at him questioningly, panting for breath as I questioned him.
“You okay?” I asked, softly. He nodded, his eyes closed, and put his hands behind his head. I assumed that he was still angry about last night.
I was after forgiveness, and I pressed my naked body against his. My breasts were flattened between our bodies, my slightly hard nipples brushing against his skin as I lay next to him. Softly I began to kiss his cool skin, nibbling at his shoulder and running my tongue over the smooth flesh. I gripped Jason’s cock in my hand, wrapping my fingers around it, and began to lightly stroke the hard staff.
Jason’s eyes shut lightly, his long dark lashes resting on his smooth cheek as I toyed with his hard cock. His erection wasn’t going down and his chest was moving up and down with his heavy breaths.
“Do you want to fuck me?” I whispered throatily into his ear. Taking the soft lobe between my teeth I nibbled on him teasingly and repeated the question. “I want you to fuck me,” I said. “I want to feel your cock inside of me, baby. Can you do that for me?”
Jason nodded and I rolled onto my back, taking a deep breath as he rolled on top of me. I spread my legs and he nestled between them, taking my calves in his hands and nearly sitting up to place himself in my warm folds of flesh.
I groaned with a mixture of pain and pleasure at his first thrust. I was damp, but not wet or well lubricated. The feel of his hard cock inside my body was a grinding one, and I flinched as he began to move in and out. Knowing from experience that soon the thrusts would become easier, and my pleasure would soon mount as much as his, I gritted my teeth, shut my eyes, and pushed my body down onto his staff.
“You okay?” Jason asked. I knew he could see the pain in my face.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hating myself for ruining the mood.
Stopping his thrusts but remaining inside me, Jason looked down at me until I opened my eyes. I smiled weakly at him, my chest heaving as my body gripped him tightly between my legs.
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I…”I trailed off. “I do, though,” I admitted. “I think about it…I play with myself…that way. I just…I get scared, do you understand?” I couldn’t meet his eyes. My breaths came in short gasps as I struggled to keep my eyes away from his. I didn’t want to see the hurt or the pain in them.
Jason nodded slowly, his piercing eyes never leaving my face. I swallowed deeply and shifted uncomfortably on the cock impaling me.
“Maybe,” I said softly, closing my eyes. “Maybe I just need you to force me.”
“Force you?” Jason said. I could hear the dry humor in his voice.
“I don’t know,” I said, turning my face upwards and glaring at him. I struggled underneath his body, pulling myself off him and curling into the fetal position. I shut my eyes tight and tried to block him out, telling him in my own way that the conversation was over.
Seeming to take the hint, Jason rolled off the bed. I heard his footsteps as he walked through the bedroom door, and opened my eyes to see him turn into the bathroom. The lock clicked and the shower turned on, the sound of the water hitting the tub reverberating through the apartment. Uncurling myself from my defensive position I glared at the ceiling, cursing myself under my breath.
In my opinion I wasn’t a bad person, but some of the decisions I had been making lately didn’t do much to help my relationship. My guilt seemed to be pushing to the surface like the pressure of a volcano, and I was afraid that soon its eruption would mark the end of my relationship. Jason was so right to be upset with me, but for some reason I couldn’t go through with the only action that would make things right again.