Endings Ch. 05

I was still pissed at what he said about me too, and that there had been others even if they had meant very little. It felt too much like the two of them had been playing a game between themselves, and they were obviously competitive. The way Paul had become possessive of me in front of Cam was wrong, and that he had tried to keep him away from me as well, it all suggested a controlling side to his personality that I could not put up with.

It all came back to Cam. The thing I thought I was over when I realised how much I loved Paul had become what drove us apart. If I could go back now, perhaps I wouldn't have done it, but then hindsight is a wonderful thing. Having Paul without that baggage was my dearest wish.

* * * * * *

When the weekend came I made as many plans as I could to be out of my flat where I could not be found, and so I wouldn't sit there dwelling on that night and what I was going to do about it. Saturday morning I went shopping, although wandering around town was more accurate. I bought a couple of books but that was about it, I wasn't in the mood even for browsing but I had arranged to meet Alison for lunch and I had time to kill.

I was surprised to hear someone calling my name, but it was a female voice so I didn't instantly panic. Turning, I was even more surprised that it was Emily, and she was on her own. Maybe shopping for the wedding or something, but I'd never met her without Cam before. She was so sweet though I had never really minded that she took Cam, she was good for him and it was always going to be someone.

"Hi Max. How are you?"

Briefly I considered telling her the reality, but decided that was not the best option.

"I'm okay, just having a bit of a wander."

She looked nervous, shuffling her feet and barely catching my eye and it made me uncomfortable as well. Clearly we had very little in common or to talk about, or at least that's what I assumed was going on until she spoke again.

"Could we go get a coffee or something? I really need to talk to you."

"Um, okay. I'm meeting my sister in just over an hour, but I've got time and I'm bored of the shops."

Now I was intrigued, but she didn't say any more until we had got to one of the coffee chains and sat down with a huge cup each. I was even more intrigued when she insisted we have the largest ones, it suggested that she had a lot to talk about. I had to prompt though as she didn't seem that keen to start, even when we got sat in a corner out of earshot of the other tables.

"So, what did you want to talk about? You sorting things out for the wedding, because I don't think I'm going to be able to make it, sorry."

"I'm not sure right now that there's going to be one, so don't worry about it. Cam and I had a big argument and I don't know whether I can go through with marrying him."

"What happened?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know, and very sure I did not want to be the one she discussed her issues over Cam with, but it didn't look like I had much choice.

"He came home with a black eye last week. He wouldn't tell me what happened, but I knew he'd been arguing with Paul, he had the same look as when they had a row a few weeks ago. Then Paul turned up at ours a couple of nights ago and they kicked off again. I heard everything they said Max, I know they've been fighting over you."

A kind of cold dread filled me, and I was fully expecting to get slapped, but she just looked sad, not upset with me. I knew I hadn't created this situation, but I did feel like I had to try and fix it, Emily and Cam were so obviously in love and she deserved to know that.

"They weren't fighting over me Emily, they were fighting about me. Fighting over someone implies that they both want that person, and Cam doesn't, he loves you."

"But you were with him for an entire year."

Shit, she really had heard everything, and they'd obviously gone over a lot of ground. I still had no idea why I was helping out an idiot like Cam, but I felt like Emily needed it.

"No, I wasn't," I said firmly, silencing her before she could interrupt me as she seemed to want to. "You've been with him, going out on dates, introducing him to your friends and family, holding hands and kissing in public, probably curling up in his arms after you've made love. I never had any of those things Em, none of it. I was only ever 'with him' for a couple of hours here and there, with no-one else knowing about it. That isn't a relationship, and it isn't anything like what he has with you."

"Why did you do it? Paul said that Cam used you and hurt you, but it seems like you wanted it anyway. Why put yourself through that?"

I thought about it for a long moment, and I didn't really have any better answers than I had given myself a thousand times when I wondered.

"I took what I could get. I knew what he wanted and that it was simple for him to separate sex and love. I don't really know what it says about me, but I took the little he would give me because it was better than nothing, even though I always knew how it would end. It was only ever a matter of when."

"So Paul was right, Cam did hurt you."

This was not going how I thought it would. She was talking about calling off the wedding, but more concerned about how upset I had been, and her eyes showed her sympathy for me.

"No. You were right before, I wanted it anyway. I got hurt because I couldn't keep emotion out of it, but I knew that was going to happen as well. I hurt myself, in a strange way, and because I was a bit screwed up afterwards Paul blames Cam. It isn't his fault Emily."

"I can't quite believe that he was involved with you at all."

Oh, was that what this was about? Cam's fears about being outed as bi might well be realised, after all he had done to keep it a secret.

"It doesn't make a difference to how he feels. Just because he's slept with a guy doesn't make him any less in love with you. He's always been sure he would settle down with a woman, when he met the right one, and then he found you."

Her cute little face screwed up a little and I did wonder if it was distaste for the idea of men together, but she was surprising me in a lot of ways this afternoon. She was way cooler than I ever realised, and she did deserve something good, or at least not to let Cam go without all the facts.

"I'm not worried that he's had sex with men Max, and Paul made it pretty clear you were not the first, I'm just not sure I can forgive him for lying to me about it. He told me about every woman he's been with, we shared all of that, and now I discover there's a whole other set of lovers he didn't mention. That's what we argued about, not you, but that he hadn't already told me about it."

"I asked him once, why he wouldn't tell anyone. He said that people make assumptions and women would think he's promiscuous and won't settle down. He really believes that, and I'm betting he's terrified that you've found out. At least let him know what you're upset about, don't leave it like this or he'll never think any different."

She smiled at me, seemingly amused by what I was saying.

"This coming from the man who is refusing to speak to Paul?"

"Yep. It's not the same. Cam has his reasons for keeping it quiet and you should let him explain himself at least before you start calling off the wedding. Paul insulted me, got over possessive and had a fight with Cam on my living room carpet. I'm finding all that a little hard to deal with."

"And you think the two of them having a blazing row at my house over how Cam treated you was any less of a shock to me?"

"Maybe not," I conceded.

She sighed and sipped her coffee. "They're a pair of idiots. Shame we still love them."

"Yeah, it is."

* * * * * *

I didn't know why I couldn't go and see Paul after that conversation, but the longer I left it the more of a big deal it seemed and the more I shied away from having to. I knew I still loved him and I wanted to be with him, but I also knew it would never work if he couldn't deal with Cam. I almost didn't want to know for sure that he was going to hold that against me forever.

I dreamed about Paul, being in his arms, and every time I woke up I had the sadness that he wasn't there. He had been so much a part of my life, meaning so much after such a short period of time, and I couldn't entirely give up on the idea of a future with him even if I was still upset and angry about how he behaved.

There were still texts and calls, but less frequently as he realised I wasn't going to respond, and I still saw him at work and he looked no better than I probably did. To his credit though he did keep away from me and give me the space I was demanding, even though I knew it couldn't go on forever. I was going to have to talk to him, but I still wasn't sure what to say.

In the end it was nearly another week before my hand was forced, and not how I would have expected.

The knock at the door was unwelcome, because every time it happened I assumed it would be Paul coming to beg for forgiveness as he often did in his texts. Just being disturbed annoyed me and put me in the mood for an argument, so I answered it, although I did put the chain on first so the door wouldn't open too far.

I sucked in a breath when I saw the smiling face, because although the smile was familiar, I didn't know the guy.

"For fuck's sake," I muttered.

"Hello Max. It's nice to finally meet you. I'm..."

I interrupted him.

"I don't really care what your name is, I know why you're here and I'll tell you the same as I already told them, I'm done with your family. Leave me alone."

He looked upset that I was dismissing him so quickly, but I really didn't want to deal with this. How dare they send some other relative to plead their case? He was clearly a close relation to Paul and Cam, and I wondered how many of them there were, and whether I would have to take out a restraining order against a whole family.

"Please Max, this is tearing everyone apart, and I want to try and fix things."

"It's not my problem. Go bang their heads together and tell them to grow up, don't get me involved. I'm not interested in trying to fix anything."

"You don't care?"

He must have seen the flicker of hesitation before I answered, because he didn't seem to believe me.

"No, I don't. They made this mess. I'm sorting myself out, and I just want to be left alone to do it."

"Give me five minutes of your time, please. I know you care, else you wouldn't have talked to Emily and got her sorting things out with Cam. I know what's happened, all of it, and I understand you being upset, but please let me have five minutes to explain a little."

Five minutes didn't seem that unreasonable, and I had time to kill. I had all the time in the world since I could barely leave the flat right now for fear of running into Paul. I took the chain off and resisted the urge to slap that familiar grin off his face, because this guy hadn't yet done anything to deserve it, except look too much like the guys that did.

"Five minutes, only because I want to believe I can finish with all this shit."

I knew I was being unnecessarily rude, especially when I was already thinking of talking to Paul, but I wanted to know more, to understand quite how and why Paul had been playing me and why he had hurt me in the process. Perhaps I could get that this way without having to face him just yet.

The guy came in and sat down as if he had been here before, and it was so eerily familiar the way he appeared to take up residence on my sofa I had to bite back the twin urges to jump him or hit him, both of which I'd imagined doing to Paul since I'd thrown him out.

"So? What is your name anyway?"

"Nathan."

"So, Nathan, you do realise coming in here looking so much like them could be hazardous to your health right now. At the very least you could end up singing soprano."

Fuck, the family grin came right back at me.

"I'm trusting in your good nature, which they both tell me you have. You're too nice to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it."

"Yet. You've come to plead on behalf of those that do, so I really don't think you'd be wise to make yourself too comfortable."

"Look, I know this is weird, but this is a stupid situation, they need their heads banging together, I agree, but I think you're going to have to be the one that does it."

"They've both screwed me, metaphorically and literally. I don't have to do anything for them."

"You do care though, I can tell. Cam, well I guess I can't really defend him, but Paul hasn't done what you think. He really loves you, this wasn't about getting back at anyone."

"Then why was he pawing me in front of Cam? He wanted to make a point, and I didn't appreciate it, before all the rest of that stuff came out. At least I know I am not the only guy stupid enough to let the pair of them play games with me."

"It really isn't about games. Paul was feeling insecure, not making a point. He needed Cam to know how much you two meant to each other. Think of it from his point of view, he already found Cam with one lover, and then he finds you two in your flat, knowing you've already had a longer relationship with Cam than with him."

"What me and Cam had is nothing like him and me, he knows that."

"Yes, I'd say he does, otherwise he wouldn't be so devastated that you won't even talk to him. I saw him after the incident with Steve, and when he broke up with his last boyfriend, a guy he'd lived with for two years, and he wasn't half as cut up about either of those as he is right now. Isn't there any chance you can at least talk to him about this."

I wanted to tell him yes, but I didn't know him despite him being eerily familiar.

"I don't know if I can. He said some nasty things that upset me and I'm not sure that he can get over the fact I have a past with Cam. I can't be with him if that is always going to come between us."

Nathan looked directly at me, and he looked as sad as I felt about what I was saying. I noticed then that his eyes were dark brown, and looking at them made me miss the bright green I was used to even more.

"Please give him a chance. He loves you."

* * * * * *