Envy Ch. 01

When Freud coined the phrase "penis envy" I think he must have been thinking of me. I'm so jealous of my boyfriend's penis... everything about it. How it gets hard, how it oozes, how sensitive it seems to be when touched, how easy it is to play with and especially how it ejaculates. I get so envious watching him cum, watching his body tighten up as his cock gets so hard right before it starts pulsating.

It's thrilling to watch the white semen shoot, long and fast at first, and then taper off until small globs of cum ooze out of his slit. The look of pleasure on his face, the way he moans... it must feel amazing. I want a penis so bad... I want to experience what it feels like when someone sucks my penis, or strokes it, or when I put it inside someone... the hot wet flesh encapsulating my long hard cock. Fuck! Just thinking about it makes me so jealous and crazy.

Sure, I have a clitoris, a tiny little nubbin that gets hard and stuff, but it doesn't get big enough, it doesn't ooze, it doesn't have a slit where copious amounts of cum shoot out when I cum. I can't fuck anyone with it. I can't feel a tight ass around my shaft or a hot, wet pussy drenching my cock with wet velvet. I can't stroke my clit into the open mouth of my lover and blow my load in their mouth or on their chest or deep inside them. I have to have a cock for that and it makes me so resentful and jealous when I know I'll never get to experience it.

Jaden, my boyfriend, knows all about my fixation and jealousy. All too well, actually. I think he's getting pretty sick of me complaining about it. I mean... I'm fine when I'm playing with his... I don't complain that much when I get to touch it and suck it and stroke it. I can pretend it's mine. I can feel it in my hand, in my mouth. I can move the loose skin up and down along the rigid shaft below, I can play with the pre-cum that oozes out of his slit and cover the whole of it with saliva and make a slippery mess of it. I'm fine then.

It's when he takes over and I can no longer play like I want, that the problem begins. I get so envious when he moves between my legs and slides his wonderful cock inside of me. Sure it feels good, sure I cum, but I don't get to thrust my cock over and over inside of me, like he does. I don't get to vary the timing, the rhythm, the speed and power.

I watch him work with absolute jealousy coursing through me. The look of pleasure on his face as he pounds his incredible cock into me over and over. I can feel him getting larger, his thrusts becoming stronger and deeper. I can only imagine what his cock feels like as the blood courses through his shaft and head, plumping him to massive proportions. Can only imagine what it feels like as he calls out in pleasure as his semen surges forth, launching long ropes of white onto my chest and stomach.

I get so fucking jealous watching him stroke his blood engorged cock over me as it gushes huge blasts that curl in the air and land on me. The look of ecstasy on his face as his hand moves up and down the hard shaft, timing it for each spurt. It's not fair!

I know, you're probably thinking I'm a bitch, ungrateful and jealous of something I can never have. What a stupid thing to be envious of. And of course you have a point. It is silly, I'm a girl after all... I can never have a cock. Oh, and just to be clear. I don't want to be a guy... I'm not transgender, I like being me. I like my perky round breasts and my body. My toned legs and ass. I'm hot and I know it and I like what my body does to guys and especially my boyfriend. I like guys... men. It's just the cock I want. I want to be a hot chick with a dick! Which, as I know is impossible. But if I had one wish, one crazy dream... well it's pretty obvious what I would ask for.

**

It was just another morning. I woke up next to my boyfriend naked with some of his semen still oozing out of my pussy. We had made love three times before finally being too exhausted to continue. The last climax of his was inside of me, and since I was so tired I didn't bother getting up to clean myself, hence the oozing issue. I let my hand run down my naked body to my moist sex, slipping a finger in before bringing it to my mouth to taste him.

It was a mistake, because my jealousy issue hit hard, tasting his semen on my finger. I knew he was probably hard, sleeping next to me. Even after the three large ejaculations from him last night, he would probably have morning wood anyway. He tells me it's because he's got to pee. Yeah, I kind of know all about his cock, seeing is how I'm so envious of it. I talk about it and he tells me what I want to know.

I was pretty sure if I moved my hand over to him, I'd find his hard dick and if I did, I'd want to take it for myself and put it right where my clitoris is. I don't want balls... never cared for them as much as the hard cock. I just want the long shaft right where my clit is. I know... way too much to ask for. I slipped my finger back into my soaked pussy while slowly moving my other hand over to the sleeping Jaden.

Finding his hip, I reached up and over his body. Sure enough, his penis was rigid, arching over his naked body. I traced the long shaft with the tips of my fingers, and he stirred a little in his sleep, making me withdraw slightly before touching him again. I added another finger inside of myself and used my palm to mash my clit, rubbing back and forth, wishing I had a cock to stroke.

When I grabbed his shaft, he woke up.

"Jess? Didn't you get enough last night?" he asked, using my nick name. Short for Jessica.

"I can never get enough of this?" I said, giving his cock a hard stroke.

"Yeah, yeah, don't I know it? Actually, I know what you're really thinking," he said.

"Oh really? And what is that?" I asked, not letting go of him.

"You want to tear it off and put it on yourself," he said.

"Huh? Me?" I teased. "You know me too well. If only it could work that way," I said, giggling and yanking at his cock as if to tear it off.

"Easy!" he yelped. "You're going to make me pee everywhere."

"Oh, sorry," I said, easing my grip, but not letting go. I didn't want to let it go.

"No, seriously? I have to pee," he said, trying to move away from me but I held his cock firmly.

"Jess, come on... let go."

"Oh, you're no fun," I said, relenting what I craved most."

I watching him get up in the dim morning light, his cock rocked back and forth as he walked to the bathroom. I added a third finger and masturbated while he was taking his time in the bathroom. He told me it's not easy taking a leak with a hardon, well not easy hitting the target anyway. I laughed when he told me this tidbit and it was just another thing I would never get to experience. I dug at my pussy and grinded my tiny little nub with my palm. My tiny little nub! So unfair, I screamed in my head as small climax rushed through me. I laid there trembling from my climax as the door finally opened and Jaden walked out. Cock soft now. Bummer for me.

He climbed on the bed, out of reach. I was still enjoying the afterglow of my climax, my fingers covered in his semen and my new climax.

"So what do you want to do today?" he asked.

It was Sunday... we had the entire day before work on Monday.

"I don't know... lay in bed and play with Jaden's cock?" I said.

"As fun as that sounds, Jessica... you can't just spend the entire day playing with my penis. We need to eat and enjoy the beautiful end of summer weather before it gets cold."

"So... no playing with my favorite thing... not even for a little while?" I asked.

He looked conflicted... like he wanted to let me, but he also wanted to stand his ground and not let me.

"How about later? Let's say that... after I recover a bit from last night... can you wait?" he asked.

"If I have to... I guess," I said, pouting.

"Good, then let's eat and I've got an idea. The circus is in town!"

"Oh, goodie!" I said. "You would rather watch stinky animals and Carnies then let me play with your cock. Tell you what... after I play, you can put it anywhere you want?" I said, thinking this would get him for sure.

"Jess! No... let's get up and go do something," he said sternly.

"Wow... not even the idea of anal sex could change your mind... you know that offer doesn't come very often," I said.

"I know," he said and I could see the conflict on his face.

It was killing him and I loved it. If he wasn't going to let me play then I would make it miserable for him.

"Okay then. Fine," I said, getting out from under the covers. "If you don't want a piece of this ass then we can go to the circus," I said, turning my backside toward him and running my fingers up my wet pussy to my puckered asshole. I even slipped my index finger into my bum to see his reaction.

His mouth dropped open. I moved it deeper and then quickly pulled it out and hopped off the bed. He missed his chance.

**

We had breakfast and got ready for the day. I acted okay, not a complete bitch to him but I still wasn't that excited about the circus. When we arrived at the fairgrounds, it was becoming clear that this was not just a circus. There was a carnival and a circus with rides, games, booths and tents as far as I could see. I admitted it might be more fun than I first thought. But still not as fun as playing with him all day in bed.

"We have time for that too," he said as we got out of the car.

We paid and got our all-day wrist bands on. I soon forgot about not getting my way that morning and had fun riding the rides and doing all the things one gets to do at a circus and carnival. It was afternoon and we were walking slowly down the main concourse of booths with drinks and foot-long corndogs. I made it a goal not to mention the fact that a foot long corndog could easily remind me of something else. I think Jaden appreciated my restraint.

That's when I saw it. A fortune teller's booth. Madam Luludja a gypsy apparently from the banner across the top of the tent.

"We should do it... get our fortunes," I said to Jaden.

"Really? Okay if you want," I said.

We hurried and scarfed our food down and walked up to the booth where a young Carny was standing in front of Madam Luludja's door.

"Yes, step right up... want to know your fortune... Madam Luludja is the best there is," he said.

"How much," Jaden asked.

"Five dollars," the Carny responded.

"Five bucks wow... maybe just for the lady then," Jaden said, handing him the money.

"Wait here... I'll see if Madam Luludja is ready for you?" he said stepping into the tent.

He returned about a minute later and told us to go in. It was quite dark inside the tent, especially going from bright sunlight. I couldn't see anything for a bit. Then a voice spoke to us from the dark.

"Oh, yes, young lovers... come to see Madam Luludja," the voice said in a thick accent. She sounded like a true gypsy, or a very good actor.

She struck a match and materialized in the darkness in front of us.

"Come, sit," she motioned for us.

We took a seat at a small round table with a giant glass orb in the center. Her crystal ball. This lady was old. She looked ancient for real and I was taken aback as she reached out for my hand. It looked like her skin was hanging off of thin bones and I hesitated reaching out to her but finally did. Her hands felt like leather and were cold, even with the heat of the day upon us. She held my hand for a bit, not saying anything. Then suddenly, she looked into my eyes and tightened her grip on my hand.

"You don't seek a fortune... you seek something else entirely," she sneered.

"What?" I asked, taken aback again.

"Few are you. Very rare indeed," she continued. "Patient man he must be."

I was starting to get offended. And tried to pull my hand away from her but she wouldn't let go. She had the strength of a woman much younger than she looked.

"You crave that which you cannot have, yearn for the impossible."

"Holy shit," Jaden blurted.

I turned to him as if for help and all he did was shrug and shake his head, just as freaked out as I was.

"I've been waiting for you... many, many years," Madam Luludja said, suddenly letting go of my hand.

I fell back in my chair, shaking a little bit. I wanted to get up and get out quickly but something held me in my chair. Something familiar, something she knew somehow.

I watched her place her hands on her chest, among the many chains and trinkets she had hanging around her neck. She seemed to be searching for something. It took her a bit of time, awkward time as I watched her staring at me as she searched her chains. Finally she found the one she wanted. She pulled this chain off her neck. It looked even older than she did. Hanging from the chain was a single object. I had no idea what it was. I had never seen anything like it.

It almost looked like an earring, one of those old kind that clamped on your ear instead of pierced through, but this thing was wicked looking. The clamps ended in spikes. It looked like it would hurt like hell if you put it on your ear. Between the two clamps was a red stone, maybe a ruby and the metal around it and the clamps appeared to be gold. It wasn't very big and looked like it might barely fit around an earlobe.

Madam Luludja took the object off the chain and set it in front of me on the round table.

"What? What is that?" I asked, looking at her and the object.

"It's what you most desire," she said.

I shook my head, "You're crazy... making no sense at all," I said, getting up. "You don't know me!" I shouted and stormed out the way I came.

Jaden didn't follow immediately. Actually, it took several minutes for him to appear from the tent. I was pacing back and forth, agitated and impatient so when he finally came out, I grabbed his arm and pulled on him.

"I want to go home," I said.

"Okay... we can go home."

We walked in silence to the car and half the drive home was silence. I kept thinking about her. The gypsy. The things she said and that crazy object she put before me. What the hell was it and how was it what I most desire? She didn't know what I desire most. Did she? She said I crave for something I can't have and yearn for the impossible. She probably says that to everyone. She can't really know what I want. She can't really know I want a penis. There was no way.

I kept running it over in my mind. Recalling the object on the table. It looked medieval, ancient... torturous. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear Jaden talking to me. His voice was just a buzz in my ear the first few times.

"Jessica! Are you okay," he shouted.

"Huh? Yeah... I'm fine," I lied.

"You don't look fine and you're acting distant and paranoid," he said. "I've been talking to you for five minutes now."

"It's nothing... she just freaked me out a little. And what the hell was that thing?" I asked.

He didn't answer and that concerned me. "Jaden? Have you ever seen something like that thing before?" I asked, sitting up in the car's seat.

"You mean this?" he said pulling the object from his pocket and holding it out to me in his hand.

"What the fuck!" I screamed. "Why do you have that!? What happened after I left?" I asked, moving away from the thing in his hand.

"She wanted you to have it... she said it was meant for you... she insisted," Jaden said.

"So you took it? Do you even know what it is?" I asked.

"I have an idea what it is, but how it will do what she said, I don't understand," he responded.

"An idea? Did she tell you what it is? What did she say! I want every word!"

"She said it's a clamp for a very specific body part, and it will give you what you want," he said, still holding it out to me.

"And you believed her? Look at that thing... there is no way in hell I'm putting that anywhere on my body, let alone where you and I think she means."

"Your clitoris... yeah... like I said... I don't know how it's possible to do what she said, but she knew things, Jess..."

"Turn the car around... we're taking it back to her."

"Seriously?" he asked.

"Yes, Jaden! Turn the car around or I'm jumping out," I said, grabbing the clamp from his hand.

He slowed way down and found a gap in traffic to flip a U-turn. I held the object in my fist the entire time back to the carnival, never once looking at it or trying to see how it worked. Together we walked right back in, still wearing our wrist bands and headed toward the gypsy tent. When we found it, I pushed right past the Carny taking money and burst into the tent to confront Madam Luludja.

What I walked in on made no sense. There was just some young woman sitting behind the round table telling this fat guy his fortune. She had some slinky dress on, showing lots of cleavage and leaned over to read his palm so he could get a good view of her breasts. Luludja wasn't there.

"Where is she!? I yelled... where is Madam Luludja?!"

"I'm Luludja... and I'm with a customer... you need to wait your turn," the young woman said in a horrible accent.

"No... no you're not... where is the old lady the gypsy!"

"I'm the only gypsy here... been here all day. I know of no old lady," she said pushing out her young chest and acting like she was offended.

Jaden took my hand, the one without the object, "Jess... she's not here... let's go... maybe the guy outside knows where she is."

I didn't want to leave but I was getting nowhere with this imposter. We left the tent and question the guy at the entrance but he knew of no old lady either. It was all bullshit to me and I felt like I was the butt of a big prank but it didn't end with camera guys and laughter. Jaden saw her, I saw her. She was real, but no one else seemed to know who we were talking about. We left the carnival again... I still had the object tightly in my hand. I wanted to throw it into the dirt and weeds but something stopped me from doing so. I held it hard the entire way home.

**

When we got home, I didn't even wait for the car to stop before I opened the door and got out, rushing inside.

"Jess, hold on... let's talk about this!" Jaden called after me, trying to park the car.

Inside, I rushed into the bathroom lifted the toilet lid and held my closed fist over the water, prepared to drop and flush the object right then and there. Jaden caught up to me.

"Jess... what if... just what if... it's all you talk about... how much you want a cock, how lucky I am, how you're so jealous of mine and you'd do anything to have one. Well... why are you not even curious to try, I mean... what if it works!" he was practically shouting.

"It's impossible, dummy... it always has been it's just something I've fixated on in my head... I've known it could never happen and for her to use it against me pisses me off!" I said, opening my fist.

The gold and red object started to fall and I flushed the toilet at the same instant, happy to be rid of it. But to my chagrin, Jaden snatched it out of the air from behind me and wouldn't give it back.

"I'm not letting you get rid of it. Think, Jess... just think for a moment. Think of what she said, how old she was, how no one else saw her but us. She said it was for you. She said she'd been waiting for you for a long time. She said it would give you what you most desired... why wouldn't you want to try for that. Please, Jess... you're driving me nuts with the cock thing and if this finally ends it, for good or bad I need you to try," he said.

I'd never seen him so passionate before. I guess my nonstop fixation with wanting a penis had taken its toll on him.

"Fine, I'll try, but if I end up in the hospital you're explaining to the doctor what this was all about," I said, pushing past him to our room.

"If nothing happens I'll let you flush it and you can play with my cock as long as you want," he said, coming up behind me.