Eric's Eagle

Someone who can play with someone's feelings as if they are some marionette? Who the hell told you it's okay to play with feelings like that? It must have been really simple for you: 'Oh, I think I'm gonna have some fun with the eco-fag. He ain't gonna do shit. I'll have my fun and discard him once I'm done."

"Kevin, please stop! Please! I...I'm sorry...I never meant to hurt you." Eric gave him a reassuring hug. He thought all the problems would disappear with a little physical contact. Kevin did, in fact, calm down some, but the fact that a minute ago Eric was kissing that whore and now was here unsettled him. Wasn't he the one saying they would be together?

"Can I ask you a question?" asked Kevin quietly. "Is it really true what you said yesterday, all of it? I don't want to be hurt by lies..." he couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. "It will hurt me, but just tell me, so I won't stand here and expect things that will never come true."

Eric felt horrible for appearing to double-cross Kevin like that. After all the things he had promised Kevin, to then do something so horrible as to have that trollop kiss him was like kicking a bag of puppies. He knew he had to make this right; he had too much at stake here. All he could see right now was Kevin looking up at the night sky, the stars glittering in the heavens like milky jewels.

"You know, there's a reason I don't let people in much. There's a reason I don't trust people as much as I wish I could trust you." Kevin stood quietly for a moment before looking straight into Eric's misty eyes, then looking up at the night sky. "I came out to my parents when I was fifteen. My mom was okay with it, but I knew that my dad was upset at first. I knew it wouldn't matter, though, because I had Ryan." Eric cocked his eyes at him. Who is this Ryan?

"He was my one and only best friend and the sole reason I came out to my parents. We confessed our feelings for each other a year before, about the time I lost my virginity to him. We decided it was okay for my parents to know.

Sure, my dad was uncomfortable at first, but then he began to read books and watch tapes about how to raise a gay son. The problem was his parents." He took Eric's hand and held it tightly, speaking with an even tone while telling him about his past.

"We were always careful while staying at his house, except once. I knew from the start it was a terrible idea, but our teenage hormones took over. His mother caught us. It was horrible, the most horrible experience in my life. I knew it was my own damn fault for pressuring Ryan into doing it."

His voice broke after that and he began to cry tears of sadness, guilt, shame and anger all wrapped up together. "If I could take it all back I would." He was in full breakdown mode by then, but he didn't care.

"I was so ashamed and pissed off with myself. That is why I have trouble trusting people. I feel like I'm not worth being trusted. That's why when you told me all those things yesterday I held back. I didn't want a repetition of what happened with Ryan." Eric could only soothe his sad lover by stroking his hair. Eventually, words came: "I'm sorry for your loss. I really am."

"Don't be sorry for me, be sorry for Ryan. His parents moved to Nashville and they showed him one of those ex-gay camps where they tell you they can change your orientation by praying to God and all that bullshit.

They say the only way to have a chance of going to Heaven is to pray for God's forgiveness, otherwise you'll be sent to eternal damnation and all that jazz. He constantly called me, telling me how miserable he was, how he wanted to be with me. All I could do was hear his pain and just cry my eyes out. It was entirely my fault. I shouldn't have pressured him."

"In the end, his parents gave him an ultimatum to either attend that camp or be shipped off to JROTC. He was not mentally strong, he was always bullied, and this only made his depression worse. It was more than he could take...he committed suicide... If I could tell him how sorry I am, I would do that in a heartbeat."

"Don't hate yourself for it. You didn't know his parents were cold-hearted assholes that would send their son to a horrible place like that. You shouldn't punish yourself like this. It wasn't your fault. Ryan would never blame you for anything; it sounds like he loved you deeply."

"That's what my parents always say, but I think otherwise. He was always adamant that he never wanted to do anything at his parents' house. I...I should've listened to him. If I had listened he would be here with me." In spite of the sympathy he was feeling, Eric was unsettled. If Ryan were here with Kevin, then Eric and Kevin would not have gotten together.

"That's why I love nature and animals so much, and yes, I know it sounds cheesy and faggy and what-not. I have learned that animals never hurt each other except in the web of life. They never hurt their own kind. The only species that inflicts pain and suffering on its own kind is the human species.

There are at least 24 different animal species known to practice homosexuality, but we are the only one that condemns it as wrong and imposes suffering for it. I miss him so much!" Kevin fell to his knees, crying out in pain, crying out for a friend he would never see again.

Eric picked him up and carried him to the cabin. He couldn't hide the fact that he was crying, too. He knew this beautiful little bird was damaged, but somehow, some way he would heal the wounds and make this little bird fly again.

"Hey I've been meaning to ask you something lately," Eric was apprehensive asking a very fraught question of Laura, but he knew she would answer honestly, from her heart. "Sure. Lay it on me."

"What would you say if... Let's say little Joshua here came out to you guys?" He tensed up for a moment, telling himself that maybe the question was a little abrasive, maybe even too personal.

"Why do you ask?" Eric looked at her face for an angry reaction, but she was just curious.

"I don't know why, really. I was just curious. I wanted to know if you would do to Joshua what our parents did to me when they found out." By then he wished he could take his words back because of the sad, guilty look in his sister's eyes.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked such a thing. It's none of my concern how you raise your child. Please forgive me," he said in a hushed tone. Who was he to ask a question like that?

"It's okay, honestly. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't think any less of him. I would still love him like a first-born son ought to be loved. I just hope he doesn't end up like those jocky manwhores." A laugh erupted from them both, followed by a cry from the next room. "See what I mean?" she said with wide eyes. She got up but Eric jumped up. "I'll get him. I want to have some uncle-nephew bonding time."

As Eric went to see what was troubling the toddler, he noticed there had been a change in Laura. She seemed humble now, much different from the last time they had seen each other. Before, she had seemed to sneer, her nose held so high that it would've been a miracle for someone to meet her standards. Now, she's tamed, he thought. It just needed some skinny physicist to tame the blonde beast! Who said God doesn't perform miracles?

He saw Joshua crouched under the table, apparently trying to grab something just out of reach.

"Here, need some help little buddy?" He went to pick it up and saw that it was a little green hat.

"Hey, what's this?" Eric felt a strange sense of déjà-vu and then noticed that this was the same Invader Zim hat, smaller of course, that Kevin had worn the first time they got to know each other physically. He held it close to his chest, recalling that day like it was yesterday. He remembered tasting Kevin's sweet lips, so delicate, so juicy that he dared not stop.

He remembered the first time he cupped Kevin's head, stroking his soft, silky hair, entranced by the texture. Oh God, how much he missed Kevin! Joshua tugged on his pants-leg, snapping Eric out of his reverie, and Eric surrendered the hat to his nephew.

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Kevin woke up the next day with a strange feeling in his stomach. Actually, it was the feeling of a figure blocking him. He turned his head to see Eric in all his sleeping-princely glory. God, he was so delectable that Kevin just wanted to eat him alive. He started remembering all that had been said last night, how he had broken down and told Eric of his jealousy and about his first true love, Ryan.

Oh, Ryan!

The day he had heard of Ryan's suicide, Kevin had vowed to never speak of him again as long as he lived. There's another promise broken... His life was just a bunch of promises destined to be broken.

"Hey, you're awake," mumbled a sleepy Eric. Kevin noticed Eric's erection tenting in the covers. He gulped and resolved to focus on the task at hand. "Yeah. I see you decided to put me in your bed instead of my own," he said matter-of-factly.

"I'm sorry. I should've put you in yours, but you were so sad when you fell asleep, I just didn't have the heart to put you to bed alone." He raised his hands in emphasis, "I was a good boy. I swear."

"I believe you. It's just...I told you something I had vowed never to tell anyone. It was in the heat of the moment. I don't know why I told you that. I suppose I just wanted to make you feel bad. I screwed up. I shouldn't have used Ryan's suicide as a weapon." He stood up, and Eric noticed a lone tear falling from his cheek.

"I hope you don't think any less of me because of what I said yesterday. It felt like a stab in the back when I saw you with that Brittany girl. Then when she kissed you it was just the last straw for me."

Eric felt like the biggest douchebag ever. He had been so caught up in being the center of attention all day long after a long time without his friends that he hadn't noticed just how lustful Brittany's hands had been. She was a tramp by his crew's standards, but most had no reason to talk about her like that, since they were manwhores.

He should've thought about what Kevin would think. Once he and Brittany touched lips, it was too late. All he saw was a boy with a green hat running towards the cabins. Fuck, he had screwed up bad.

"Kevin, I'm sorry about last night. It shouldn't have gone that way. I'm really sorry."

"You shouldn't apologize. It was me and my damned jealousy that got me to that point."

"No, that's the thing Kevin. I really like you a lot, more than I ever thought possible. My feelings for you are sure as hell growing, but I'm scared, scared of the repercussions."

Kevin's curiosity got the better of him. "What do you mean by scared?"

"I know it sounds foolish of me and all, but whenever I saw you pass by in the hallways at school, I got a tight feeling in my stomach. At first, I thought it was my stomach telling me it was hungry, but then I started to get these...dreams...about you." By then Eric felt like shutting up. He was giving Kevin way too much information.

"I didn't want to acknowledge those dreams at first. I thought they were just weird dreams that every kid had as a teenager. But it didn't stop there. You appeared everywhere more and more. It was getting terribly hard to concentrate." He lowered his eyes to his feet, not wanting to look at Kevin.

"I want this to work out between us, Kevin, I really do. I really like you so much. But I'm scared about what will happen if I come out of the closet. I'm scared of what will happen. I really am." This time it was his turn to shed a tear.

He liked Kevin, could possibly even love him if the relationship got a chance to grow. But he didn't know if it could happen with him in the closet. "I just don't want you to feel like a dirty little secret. You deserve a hell of a lot more than that."

He placed his hands between his legs, not looking at Kevin. He knew this would never work out between them, now that he had confessed his worries and feelings. He flinched when he felt a hand stroke his black hair. "I will wait for you, Eric."

He looked at Kevin with astonished, tear-soaked eyes. Did he just hear what he wanted oh so much to hear? "Tell me you're joking."

"No, it's true. I will wait for you until you decide to come out. I will wait for... my Eric."

"Oh God Kevin, you don't know how good you make me feel! I swear. I truly believe now that

I don't deserve such a wonderful and beautiful person as you."

"No, it's me that doesn't deserve you. You're so handsome, so strong, so masculine, and so...perfect. I don't know how a great and noble man like you could possibly want a twerpy eco-fag like me."

"Hey, don't talk about yourself like that. You are great. You are beautiful. You are the most courageous person I know. A lot of people could not fathom living with what you have experienced and that is why I look up to you in so many ways."

He didn't want to hear Kevin's rebuttal, so he planted a mouth-crushing kiss on the man he was falling in love with. He was ecstatic when Kevin responded in kind. They were at it for several minutes, until the bell that signaled the start of the morning class session.

They broke apart as soon as they heard the bell. Their faces were flushed and dripped with sweat. Their lips were swollen. Eric gave a light laugh as they grabbed their toiletries. "Wow, for a tree hugger you sure can give one hell of a kiss," he said as he hid the visible tent in his pajama bottoms.

"Thanks...I think."

They were on their way to take a shower when Eric stopped Kevin for a brief moment. "What you said was true, right? That you will wait for me? It is true, isn't it?"

A slight nod from Kevin was all he needed. Nothing else needed to be said.

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Eric was in a horrible funk the next day. It was first day of the "Go Green" children's trek, but after he received a call from Mrs. Sloop about a parole hearing coming up, he just wanted to scream out loud.

"It isn't fair, it's too soon," he screamed into the muffling pillow. He didn't want to have this feeling all day long, not with Mark and the children there. But the mere mention of a parole hearing was the bomb that would set him off. He searched for a stress ball and squeezed the hell out of it.

A knock on the door broke his trance. He was damned if he would let this ruin the great time he was having here. He finally has a small but growing relationship with his sister, he had met a great man with twins, plus he had gotten to meet his nephew. He sighed heavily and wiped away a tear.

"Hey man, it's me, Mark. Laura called. She wants us to update her on our plans for the trek."

Oh, great! Mark! He didn't want Mark to see him like this. He was starting to feel a little queasy around him. He felt like such a girl, but he felt a tug, the same tug he had felt with Kevin. He'd be damned if he did anything about it, though.

It was too damn soon to be thinking about other men, plus, a part of him was asking about Mark's sexuality. He knew Mark had twins, but there were lots of single people who had children. Hell, it was legal in Michigan for single people to adopt children.

It wasn't for gay couples, though. Maybe he's a single man who wants children, he thought. He shook those thoughts away to focus on the present.

He pushed the parole hearing and his questioning of Mark's sexuality to the back of his mind.

"I'm coming," he said. He donned shorts and a t-shirt. He knew that by now a shower was out of the question. The hot water would've run out, and there wasn't time, so he sprayed himself with body spray. He opened the door and then wished he hadn't. Damn!

Mark looked awfully good for a man pushing thirty-five. Okay, he was thirty-two, but for a man who worked in an office all day he looked damn good. He wore a sleeveless athletic jersey and some running shorts that really showed off his athletic build.

As Eric followed Mark down the hall, he tried not to stare at the nice ass that molded the thin fabric of the shorts so perfectly. He tried not to stare, but all he could see was those perfect mounds, swaying back and forth. Eric hoped Mark wouldn't notice.

"Like what you see from your angle?" Okay so he did notice. Great! There was an awkward silence. "Hey it's alright. I noticed yours during our wait for the shower." Okay, he's not straight, maybe bi, but certainly not straight. Eric began to cough.

"Hey are you okay?" Mark patted Eric on the back firmly, but sensually as well.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a little shocked about...this."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to start anything. I'm sorry, man." Eric coughed one last time before looking at Mark. He had a sense of déjà vu. It was exactly the way he and Kevin had gotten the chance to have a relationship. Well, whatever that relationship was, since his role had been the closeted man who was in love with the dirty little secret.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have surprised like that." He held out his hand.

"Oh no, it's fine. I'm just a little...well, you know. I mean, you said you had twins, so I thought you were married, with a wife and all."

He didn't mean to sound put-off, but he was still absorbing the answer to the question he had been asking all morning. They resumed walking while Mark told him all about the twins.

"Oh, that. Well, I live in Maryland, and it's legal for same-sex couples and singles to adopt there. I adopted a pair of Romanian twins. They are the most precious boys I've ever met. From the time at my job as a carpenter I knew I didn't want to be lonely, so I adopted them.

It's hard, really, to balance a job and raise kids, but it's something I was destined for, you know." Eric saw Mark's watery eyes and immediately felt more of a liking for this man. He was noble, masculine, and cared about family. He wasn't like the stereotypical gay men he knew in Washington, the effeminate, abrasive club-rats he called friends.

"So what about y..." Mark cut himself off. Something terrible must have happened to this man for him to not want to talk about his life. "If you want to tell me you can, but I don't want you to think I'm sticking my nose in where it's not wanted."

He was serious. He didn't want to intrude. Mark knew his attraction to Eric was growing, and he didn't want to damage whatever was in process. He knew something horrible must've happened to Eric, and guessed that he didn't want to say anything about it.

It was all put aside when they arrived at Laura's office to find a very busy Laura taking a phone call. "Where are your kids? Why didn't you bring them here?" Eric moved to what he hoped was a safe topic.

"They're with their grandma and grandpa for Easter weekend."

"And they're okay with your being gay?" He was slightly shocked. Most Christians he knew denounced homosexuality as a sin.

"It's kinda complicated. It's more of a "hate the sin, love the sinner" type of relationship. I know it sounds difficult, but I try to be the same person I was before I came out to them. I don't show them my dates or anything like that.

It hurts in a way, but I take it one step at a time." At least it was a better relationship than he had with his parents, who had completely rejected him when they found out he was gay. With Kevin, religion had been different; he was a Buddhist and believed in reincarnation. It was quite different from Eric's traditional Catholic upbringing.

"At least you still get along with your parents to some extent. My parents completely rejected me the minute they found out I was gay. I haven't talked to them in three years."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's okay. They were a bunch of snotty rich assholes anyway. I was getting bored with their pretentious lifestyle."