I met Stiva years ago when I was fifteen, he moved to my city from Moscow. I remember that when I first saw him, he was wearing a dark long wool coat and I had an instant crush. That winter I needed a new coat, and I had only one thing in mind... I spent $300.00 because I wanted that boy to notice me, not knowing that things don't usually work out so simply. He noticed me in many ways but never said a word about my new favourite coat. I just think that teenage love is silly. Later that year Stiva's coat was stolen at a party.

Through our time spent together, I learned that he was oblivious. I looked up to him for a while, carefully thought through every word he'd said to me. I wanted to know everything about him. He enabled me to fall in love by being so beautifully unaware. He would smooth his hair back from his eyes, smirk, fidget with his glasses, and stare at me intensely during our private conversations. Our conversations about his discoveries, his projects. We kept in touch throughout University. He lit up when he successfully explained his findings in theoretical physics, clueless as I was. I loved to listen to all of it, not because I thought wind shields that couldn't freeze were going to save the world, but because he spoke with incredible passion. I was equally oblivious to the signs that he wanted my love.

There were many signs. One night sticks out in my mind, perhaps the most romantic night of my life. It was 5AM, and he had spent the night at his office, but he told me he had found an old phone, told me how he deleted the photos of me on it. It reminded him of how beautiful I was. It would be better if his girlfriend didn't see those. I was drunkenly walking home from a bar in Hiroshima, he was texting me about this circumstance, and how if I wanted to go to Russia, he would go with me.

In every other way, that night I told him I loved him. He'd said it back, though in years I still haven't finished processing it.

"Back then, I often wondered what kissing you would be like. " the letters appeared on the screen in my hand. I finished the last of my Moscow Mule.


"Very. But it's been a long time." What did he mean by that? Does he think of it still? Of how now it could be better? My heart ached, this was not the kind of resolution I was seeking, drunk as I was. I slowly typed my careful reply.

"I would be good to you anyway." I hit send. It didn't mean all that it should, going to him at 5AM, from my bar spot.

"But now we are both with other people." His reply came in after some contemplation on his part, five minutes later. Neither of us should have been having that conversation. I sighed, what did he want from me? I'll leave everything for you. I couldn't give that, but I knew I would have if he asked.

"We are." I finished it off bluntly. I couldn't break my heart any more that evening. He looks around the room now with clouds cast onto his blue eyes, dreamily taking everything in. He looks down at the arm of his chair and thumbs the dark evergreen coloured upholstery, and I catch myself staring at him too romantically. I breathe deeply hoping to smell his cologne, but we're sitting too far apart. The room is in early evening light, and a warm glow is cast from the lamp on a side table. It's beautifully furnished but I can't take my eyes off of him.

Sitting here I can notice his chest constrained behind a button up, his collarbone showing just slightly as a tease. It's his milky coloured skin there that I will imagine kissing when I am alone again. His arms are muscular and I can feel them around me whenever I look at them. Directing my gaze upwards his full rosy lips catch my attention, they are somehow painted in watercolour. His smile is full of bright teeth and it always meets his eyes when I make him laugh. When he tilts his head up laughing, the light will sometimes glint off his glasses. I'm still waiting for the conversation to spring from his mouth when I catch his stare, it's intense and maybe even teasing, or I'm just hoping again.

He chuckles, and I ask "What?"

"You're strange tonight..." He cocks an eyebrow and it takes me off guard. I've been thinking of him fondly and it shouldn't feel any different than it ever has but still, he's correct.

"I don't think I've said much to make you think that." I'm being cool of course, but I can't resist defying him.

"You haven't said much at all, and that's why I think that."

"Well you have me talking now, so congratulations." Perhaps I oughtn't to be so saucy with him but I have always believed he could hold his own.

He scoffs at me, "It's nice to see you."

We banter back and forth for an hour or so just the same. Although I'm enthralled, my appetite is increasing. I'm wondering how I could get him as a dinner date, and at that time I was thinking of how busy he usually is when he softens just for a moment "Would you have dinner with me tonight?"

My heart threatens to jump out of my chest, it makes it to my throat. If I was paler I would blush. "Yes, now."

We both get in and out of relationships and never stay single for long. But at the moment neither of us are with anyone else, something that hasn't happened in ten years. I don't like admitting to it but it's something I used to consider a lot, would we be together if we weren't spoken for? For the first time, I consider that we aren't anymore. I don't know what we are and I never have, so I'm uncertain whether this is a date kind of dinner or not. I'll allow it regardless.

I agree and I'm whisked down the street. We're all long coats and dress clothes and I think he's prettier than I am but it feels nice to be with someone. Together we're mismatched, and I think that's always been a part of it, the aesthetics of the two of us and how we visually contrast. It may seem silly to have that add up to your physical attraction, but it's an artistic sentiment.

The contrast I mean to mention is his high cheekbones and my heart shaped face. I look like a rococo portrait, round eyes, and soft everything. He is a marble sculpture; I thought that if I touched his face it would feel like cold velvet. My brunette hair is soft, with loose waves; His light locks are always neatly and fashionably chopped. Maybe it was some European way of being naturally more put together, or just sentiment again. Either way, it was clear to anyone but the two of us that I was enamoured.

Inside the restaurant, we're laughing and enjoying ourselves and the food has yet to come. He's argumentative with me and I adore it. Stiva is full of fire, absolutely passionate and ready to ignite. I like that he's brave enough to test me. We're arguing in good humour, I find him so intelligent and insightful.

We're sitting not too far apart at a table together now and our knees brush. He doesn't move, after a few seconds I can't take the tension and separate us. It would have become awkward if he wasn't in the middle of a sentence at the time. I'm thankful for my olive complexion because it hides the blood that I can feel hot on my cheeks. I'm still reeling when he finishes. Waiting for my response he looks dark. He's attempting prying into my mind through my eyes. The air leaves the room as I feel his hand on my knee. He caresses me more carefully than the upholstered chair but I recognize the action.

"Speechless then?" he swallows.

"For once, I don't know what to say."

I'm so conflicted, is this a test of some kind? Surely after all these years, I would have known if he wanted me like this. Maybe he's just lonely at the moment and I'm here, but I don't want that to be the truth.

The waiter appears with food and Stiva's hand disappears from my leg.

Though I've been to the restaurant many times before, I can't say I remember for sure what it looked like inside on that night. Maybe they could have served me snakes and I wouldn't have noticed. The next thing I can remember is that he was walking me home.

"I think adaptability is a good quality to have. I've practiced that myself for a while." He's not boasting, but it's rather the case as he has finally returned to the province again after completing grad school a few years ago.

"I did realize I was getting a bit rusty with that, so it's good I moved again when I did."

"Is it? Can't you take being in one place?"

"I used to be able to, then I moved to Canada, and that made me want to move more."

"Maybe you just don't like Canada very much then...."

He chuckled "No, not at all! Canada is awesome. I just want to explore. I could have gone to Baltimore or Seattle for graduate school, but chose Vancouver."

I think of exploring with him. I haven't exactly stayed in one place for too long either, but I seldom literally move to a new province, or country even.

We're at my door now.

"I'd love to live in Montreal sometime. Or in Calgary just for a bit, or in NYC, or LA, or London... or Casablanca, or Istanbul."

"Okay!" I say it in agreement, but aloud it implies that I'm ready to go with him and I don't realize I've said it like that until it's too late. He leans into me and I inhale sharply, and finally, I smell his cologne. His eyelashes flutter and suddenly his arms are around me just as I thought they would feel. His lips are firm and demanding on mine. I do remember responding in equal force. Years pass and his hands are still on my face when he pulls back.

I open the door to my apartment, nod at him and he steps inside behind me. I don't turn around to face him while he closes the door. I feel intimidated as my mind spins madly. He walks up behind me and takes my coat off for me. He hangs both trenches on the coat rack and he's facing me again. I finally look up at him, he's intense and flushed and I hope that he wants exactly what I do. He puts a hand on the small of my back, pulling me towards him, and I shiver slightly. He's barely touching me and I already feel so warm. I place a hand on his chest and lean into him. The kiss is needier, he's commanding again and I want it badly, I let his tongue slip into my mouth and he tastes sweet. As I moan quietly his grip tightens around my waist.

I pull away to take him upstairs. In the room I close the door behind us, there's no one else living here to intrude, but the air is intoxicating and I mean to trap it in with us. He's all over me again and yet I get the sense that he's avoiding touching me. I take my shirt off and he follows suit. I close the gap between us and he tentatively puts his fingers on my shoulder. He traces a line down my collarbone to my sacrum, and his middle finger brushes the centre of my bra, his blue eyes softly flit up to meet mine. Instead of allowing him to have this moment to himself, I lean into him, his arm pressed against my breast, and kiss him. He sighs, opening his mouth, he lets my tongue dart inside of it. It's a brief kiss this time. I feel hot, and his energy is all over my skin.

He lays down, bringing me over to lay next to him. He speaks softly to me. "This is quite new isn't it?" I respond earnestly, "Not for me."

He reignites from this reassurance and his adept hands are sliding down my back and reaching under my waistband. I lean down and kiss his neck, and just as softly he lets out "Ohhhh." Hearing him making these new sounds sends a shiver down my back, one that reaches my core, it flutters in a delicious response. It prompts me to bite him where he had been enjoying my kisses, his next sounds are much more explicit...

I lift off the bed and take my own pants off, underwear still on. I undo his and slide everything off of him. I could stroke him through his boxers and deny him the skin on skin sensation. I don't feel like he needs the tease I would have inflicted if I weren't so immersed in my activity. I don't look down, he maintains eye contact with me as I climb over him again. Suddenly, he catches one of my legs and rolls me under him. He's on top, he's hard, and his cock is brushing against my thigh. It's almost too much.

He starts on my bra, I sit up so he can undo it, and he doesn't struggle with it. I slip my arms out, and he palms my breast. He raises an eyebrow as he notices my nipple piercings. His thumb massages my nipple, causing me to bite my lip. "sensitive?" he says coyly, I nod. "Interesting..."

He suddenly bends over and kisses my nipple wetly, his licking makes my toes curl. As I try to squirm away, he nips at the side of my breast, sending me further into the heat pooling in my core. I sigh and brush my hands down his chest to his hip bones. I grab the top of his ass and grin at him.

He's exploring my body, testing out everything he can. I think jealously of the practice he's had with this, with other women. I'm pulled back to reality as he begins to caress my face, and places chaste kisses down my cheek. I feel his hand leave, it is replaced on my hip bone, tracing a very sensitive piece of skin. On the only place I'm ticklish, just beneath my hip bone, he traces a line that makes my hips lift to meet the touch. His hands lower and he's slipping my panties to the side. Looking into my eyes, he holds a heated stare as his middle finger finds the sensitive folds of my vulva. He traces it top to bottom and it's my turn to moan obscenely. He can't help but look down my body now as my hips lift up again, seeking relief to the tension.

I look down as well, and I see his cock against my thigh, it's beautiful... He's swirling around my clit with his thumb now and pushing his middle finger inside me. He watches me as I moan and he slips another finger in, daring to caress me deeper. My eyes close and I'm pushing up into the handle he has on me. When he removes his hand, I'm immediately pining for the relief again. But he grabs his cock and strokes it with his wet fingers. He parts my lips and grazes my hole, positioning himself to enter me, so I grab his cock to guide him, stroking him and gauging his size. He's absolutely larger than normal, but it's his thickness that surprises me. I can't wrap my small hand entirely around it.

He pushes his hips forward and the head of his cock attempts to penetrate me. I gasp again, realizing this will be a slow start. It's overwhelming, he's breathy and murmuring as he begins a tentative back and forth motion.

He tries like that for a minute, managing to fit his head in. It's difficult to take, so I motion to stop him, putting a hand on his chest. He pulls out immediately and tries to hide a look of disappointment. I push him down on the bed and slide down him. It's a gentle motion when I grip his thick cock with both hands and capture it in my mouth. I flick my tongue under his head,


He's still wearing his glasses, he takes them off and sets them on the nightstand, replacing a hand at the back of my head. I take my time, wetting his entire length, and sucking sweetly while looking into his eyes. I'm dreaming about him pressing my head down forcefully. He's so gentle now though, he's lovely. He moans softly as I suck up and down his shaft. He wantonly lifts his hips now, wanting further contact.

Satisfied with the effect, I position myself on top to ride him. It's much easier for him to enter me now, and I easily slide down on his hard cock. "uuuhhhn, you're tight" he moans, eyes fluttering shut. His hands are on my hips, he briefly attempts to push me further onto his cock before he slides his hands back to grip my cheeks. I begin to rock on top of him. He makes me ache for him, even while he's here underneath me.

I'm reeling, I reach down to circle my clit, with my other hand pressing him down into the bed. It's been a while since I've fucked someone so slowly, deliberately. So long since I've felt so passionately. I'm realizing now that I've loved him more than he was owed, but this feels like resolution. I come back out of my head to the sounds of his moaning, he reaches down to my centre to replace my hand. I push down on his full length. It feels like so much, so full and overwhelming. He cries out and tightly grabs my hip with his free hand. Everything feels hot and heavy, like the air in the room weighs 10 pounds more than it did before. I feel his nails on his hand gripping me, his thumb is keeping tight pressure. The other hand strokes me mercilessly.

He's panting, hot and wet, looking into my eyes he breathes out "I knew I wanted this," he breathes. "but, I didn't know I needed this."

It really is too much this time, my hips are grinding down on him and I can feel him all over me, inside my head and inside my body. I try closing my eyes to stop the overwhelming sensations but far more erotic visions are painted across my eyelids. It's no use.

I feel it reverberating in my lungs first, my eyes open suddenly upon the realization. His hands don't stop, and he keeps pressuring me as I quickly come undone. I'm not in control of what escapes my throat and I feel betrayed. I suck in my breath loudly, gasping for air. My centre contracts and the heat I feel between my thighs relaxes every part of my body. There are waves of it and I try to catch my breath.

I have to lean forward on his chest. My face rests on his shoulder as I come back to earth, I kiss his collarbone, and smile up at him. There's still lust in his eyes but it's conflicting with the fact that he's caressing my back. We're both panting.

"Thank you." I whisper into his mouth as he's kissing me again. His hips lift tentatively, I'm willing to tolerate it though I'm over-sensitive now, it's my energy that's lacking. I bring myself off of him and he guides me on my back again.

Slowly he positions himself between my legs the second time. I look up at his figure, silhouetted against the soft light of my wall sconces. I get that sweet satisfaction of his depraved stare as he enters me again. I moan loudly and he shakes but quickens his pace. I watch his hips swing back and forth. He's watching me, I know my breasts are bouncing from his force but I feel so exposed now I can't look to see where his gaze is directed. He's seen me entirely vulnerable and I want reciprocity. I grab his torso, I reach down and wrap my hand almost fully around the base of his cock.

He's moaning now, too, I tighten my hand and he moans louder. Pushing back against him, he takes me fully. I feel his body tense under my hands, I wrap my legs around him and bring him closer. He tenses again, he doesn't cry out anything but a strained

"Ughhhh" escapes.

His eyes close and his head slumps down, completely sated. I watch him catch his breath while I thread my fingers through his hair. I brush his cheekbones with my thumb, he's not cold or velvety. He's warm, and soft, and perfect.

I don't say a word, I let him lay down beside me and we kiss until we fall asleep with our palms touching and legs tangled.

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