Exploring Feelings Ch. 05

Liz couldn't bring herself to ask Chris to leave; she couldn't bear having to tell the kids. But she couldn't completely forgive him, either. He was trying so hard, paying attention to her again, telling her how beautiful she looked in the morning, asking her how her day had gone and helping to make dinner for the kids at night, things he hadn't done in a while. At the time she didn't notice he had stopped these things, now she realized where his mind probably was in those times.

During these moments, she saw the man she married, more and more, but her mind still saw the other man too, that had betrayed her repeatedly. Until that man disappeared from her mind, she couldn't move forward. But what if he never disappeared? Well, Liz realized what that meant too. But she didn't know how long it would be before she knew which way it would go.

Soon almost a year had passed since his confession, and the Barnes family was still very much in limbo, together in one house but with Mom and Dad separated it seemed by miles. It didn't go unnoticed by the kids; you could only explain why Mommy and Daddy were sleeping in different rooms for so long.

The twins were not yet old enough to really comprehend what had happened (they just knew Mommy was mad at Daddy for something), but the oldest, Jennifer, was big enough now to have an idea as to what might have happened. Not only were they in separate rooms, but they didn't seem to really spend any time together. She also had noticed her Mom frequently going out on her own during the weekend, although that had stopped recently.

Mostly, her Mom just seemed sad all the time, like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. It was unlike her Mom, she was usually the happiest one in the house. Jennifer often caught her Mom giving her Dad long meaningful looks. It was often when he was with her or one of her siblings; just last night she saw it at dinner, when her Dad was helping her younger brother cut his steak up into chewable pieces. Her Mom had the briefest of smiles on her face as she looked at them, but that was quickly replaced by a frown and quick, but sad, shake of her head. What did that mean?

As for her father, if anything he was trying too hard to pretend like nothing was wrong. Her father was usually busy and had to travel a lot, but he always was attentive when he was home. Now, though, he seemed to go into overdrive, and he was everywhere with them. Picking them up after school, volunteering to coach their basketball and soccer teams, spending long hours after dinner reading stories and helping them with their homework. Also, he had stopped going away for work, almost completely. She loved her father, but a 10-year old (soon to be 11) girl wanted a little privacy too.

But she noticed sadness with him as well. One night Jennifer got up late to get a glass of water in the kitchen. When she got there, she saw her father, staring off into space and with tears in his eyes. When he saw her, he quickly covered and focused all his attention on her, but Jennifer knew this was not normal.

Jennifer had several friends at school whose parents divorced, and she had heard their stories. A lot of what she was experiencing sounded similar. So were her parents going to get a divorce? Jennifer wanted to do something, anything to help, but she wasn't able to figure out a way to fix it; really no one her age should have to. And she was afraid if she confronted them, it would force her Mom to make a decision, and she would choose to make her Dad leave. As long as he was still in the house there was hope, right?

It continued this way until one day Chris was at work when he received a call from a frantic Liz.

"Chris you have to come quick. Melanie was riding her bike, I got distracted by Mark (her son) and took my eyes off her, she accidently wandered in the street and got hit by a car, she broke her leg we're at the hospital," she said, all in one breath.

"OK stay calm, I'm on my way." Chris rushed to the hospital as quickly as possible. Once at the ER, he saw Liz and she ran to hug him, crying. It was the first time his wife had really touched him in over a year, but all he could think about was his youngest daughter.

"Shhh, how's Melly," he asked his wife while holding her, using his nickname for his daughter. It did feel good to be able to have her in his arms again, smelling her perfume and the shampoo she used. Why had he ever risked losing her? As time passed, it became less and less clear to him, until it finally became a complete mystery.

"She has a compound fracture of her leg. They have to place a rod in surgically, and then she has to stay here for a few days. Oh god, Chris, it's all my fault, I took my eyes off her for a second and this happened."

"Hey, it's not your fault...you're the best mom in the world. And Melly's a tough girl, like her mom, she'll get through this...we'll get through this," said Chris, holding Liz's face in his hands.

"OK, I'm glad you're here" said Liz, looking into his eyes. For the first time since his confession, she only saw the man she had married, the man she thought she had known like no other, that she would spend the rest of her life with. She was happy to only see that man again.

"Can we see her?" said Chris.

"Yeah, come on I'll take you to her room," said Liz, grabbing her husband by the hand as she began to walk.

Once there, Chris' heart broke for his little girl, his baby. She was trying to put on a brave face, but when her Mommy told her she needed an operation to fix her leg, she got really scared.

"Hey kiddo, heard you got into a little trouble," he said consoling her.

"Daddy, my leg really hurts. Mommy said the doctors have to fix it, and that I have to go to sleep so they can. Daddy, am I going to die?"

"Of course not honey, the doctors are going to take good care of you, and Mommy and I will be here when you get back," he said to his daughter.

"Promise me you'll be here Daddy, that you'll never leave me," asked his little girl.

"I promise baby girl," he said. Chris desperately wanted everything to work out with Liz, but even if it didn't he had to be there for his kids. Selfishly, he had let his desires rule him for too long, and too often they weren't his primary concern. No matter what happened, he could never allow that to be true again.

Melly got through her operation like a champ, but her leg still needed to be immobilized for a few days; she needed to stay in the hospital during that time. Chris and Liz took shifts at her bedside, they wanted one of them with her at all times.

One evening, Liz was about to relieve Chris for the night. Melly was sleeping, but as her Mommy walked in she woke up. She had something she needed to say, when both her parents were there.

"Mommy, remember when I was playing in your room and I broke the flower thingy (Melly couldn't find the right term--vase) that Grammy had given you...you were pretty mad at me and you punished me."

"Sure, I remember," said Liz, thinking back to that time a few years ago. She had been so upset with her daughter at the time, but she didn't know why she was bringing this up now.

"But you forgave me right, and soon you loved me again?" asked her daughter.

"Oh baby, I never stopped loving you, and of course I forgave you," said Liz, her heart melting.

"Then can't you forgive Daddy? He made you feel mad like me, but you forgave me and loved me again?" Melly was not old enough to understand what her Daddy did, that it was so much worse than breaking a vase; all she knew was that he must have made Mommy feel mad and sad like she did. But Mommies were supposed to forgive Daddies too, right?

"I know, honey," said Liz, holding back tears, looking at her husband who was doing the same on the other side of his daughter's bed. She reached out to hold her hand...and his, "I'm trying..."

After Melly fell asleep again, Chris and Liz went to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee.

"What I said was true, Chris, I'm really trying."

"I know you are, Liz. Take all the time you need. This time, I'm not going anywhere. When you're ready I'll be here. Whatever happens, know that I love you, that I will always love you. But if you can't get past this I understand."

After a few days, they brought Melly home. Chris returned to the guest room. One night shortly after, he heard a pensive knock on the door, not unlike one he heard almost 20 years ago. This time, the woman entering was a brown-haired knockout, his wife, wearing a robe she was clutching with both hands. She let it go to reveal her naked body. It was the most beautiful sight Chris had ever seen, until that moment it was one he feared he'd never see again.

Chris' heart was a jackhammer as she said, "Make love to me, Chris." He pulled her into an embrace and lowered her onto the bed. He had never been so excited, or nervous in his life...it almost felt like the first time they had ever made love. In a way it was, for once he was hiding nothing from his wife, he was an open book to her. No more secrets.

"Honey, I can't describe how much I want this...but it's been so long," breathed Chris.

"Shhh, one step at a time...with everything," answered his wife as she reached up to caress his face and pull him into a kiss.

In the moment, as he entered his wife for the first time in what seemed like forever, he felt whole again. Work remained to be done, it probably always would. But that's what marriage was, a lot of hard work to get to the good times. As Chris made love to his wife he gave it pretty good odds of working out in his favor now.

EPILOGUE

Several months later, Chris found himself in King of Prussia Mall again, picking out toys to bring back to his kids. He still made this trip on occasion; though he had given up most of his clients in and around Philadelphia, there were a few that were too big for him to let go. Liz hadn't asked him to give his other clients up, but he felt it was right to do it. As he neared 40 he didn't want to travel as much, he wanted to spend time with his family.

Slowly but surely, he had rebuilt his marriage and trust with Liz. It would probably never be what it once was, once you break someone's trust so fully, as he had, you probably never could completely get it back. But they realized they loved each other, and their family, and wanted to put in the work to save it.

They had long talks about everything that had happened, and how to move forward. They talked about Johnny, about what to do, what to tell their children if they had to. Liz had the hardest time with this, for a long time she simply refused to think about it. But she realized if she was to make her marriage work, and by now she knew that was what she wanted with all her heart, that she might have to deal with it at some point. Secrets had a way of getting out, when you least expected them to; she had learned this all too well.

It was easy if Johnny was an abstract idea that she didn't interact with, but what if he became real? Liz wasn't sure if that would ever happen, but she had to be prepared for it. And in the end, it was not the boy's fault; she couldn't take it out on him.

Chris made all these visits to Philadelphia day trips. It meant getting up at 4 in the morning to get here on time, but he never wanted his wife to think anything was going on. If that meant getting up at a god-awful hour then so be it. She was no longer monitoring his calls or texts, though he would have given her his phone in a second if she asked. He had nothing to hide from her. No more secrets.

As he left the toy store and turned the corner, he saw them. Amy and Johnny, sitting together having an ice cream in the food court. He stopped in terror, not of the feelings they once shared, but what he would say, or if he should say anything.

His mind flashed to that time a few years ago, when a chance meeting like this, in the very same mall, had led to the final rekindling of their affair, the one that almost ended his marriage. It should have ended his marriage, except he was married to the most wonderful, forgiving woman in the world.

Unlike times in the past, the memories of Amy didn't bring back excitement, only sadness, at what they had done. Maybe he should just leave; after all she would never know he was here. But there were a few things he needed to say to her, that she should know. He built up his courage and walked over.

"Hi Amy," he said startling her.

"Chris, I can't believe it...it's been so long" she said. "You still come down this way?"

"Only on day trips, I gave up most of my clients here," he said. "Hi champ..." he said to Johnny.

"Hello," Johnny said to the vaguely familiar man. Young kids had short memories if you hadn't seen them in nearly 2 years.

"Why don't you go play on the merry-go-round honey," said Amy. "But stay where Mommy can see you."

"OK, Mommy, bye-bye," he said to Chris as he scampered away.

"He's gotten big since I last saw him," said Chris.

"Yeah, he's the apple of Brian's eye, they do everything together," said Amy.

"Everything good with you guys?" he asked.

"Yeah, Brian is now Chief of Cardiology, the youngest in history," said Amy with pride. "It's more of a 9-5 job so he gets to spend more time with us,"

"That's great, congratulate him for me," said Chris.

"You know you should stop by...just for dinner I mean," Amy stammered. "Brian would love to see you; he's always talking about how it's sad you lost touch."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Amy. Liz wouldn't like it," he replied.

"Oh?" said Amy, not understanding.

"She knows, Amy. About us," he said simply.

"She...knows? Everything?" she questioned, in disbelief.

"Yeah, everything."

"I mean, how, why, did you tell her?" Amy said, her fear rising.

"After you broke it off the last time, she found the texts I sent you. She confronted me, I confessed everything," he said.

"Everything? Even...Johnny?"

"Yeah, once she knew I had to tell her all of it. She deserved the truth for once."

"Oh my god, she's not going to tell Brian, is she?" Amy said in a panic.

"She's not that kind of person. She's not vindictive, she couldn't ruin your family like that," he replied. "But I told her if she wanted me too, I would've told him."

"She must really hate me," said Amy ruefully. "I know I hate myself."

"I wouldn't say you're her favorite person, that's for sure. I wasn't either, for the longest time, but we're working through it, every day, for the rest of our lives hopefully," Chris said. "I don't deserve the second chance she's giving me, and for the longest time I didn't think I'd get it, but now that I have it I won't blow it."

"Well, I'm happy for you. I could never go through that with Brian," she said.

"It's up to you, Amy, if you want to tell him. If he wants to come up and punch me I'd understand. He would certainly be justified. The most important thing is my wife knows everything. That's all I care about now."

Amy thought for a moment. Chris did look different; it was almost like you could see a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. That old look, the one she used to crave, was no longer there when he looked at her. In the end, she was happy for him, but it sounded like he went through hell to come out on the other side. She didn't see herself faring so well. She didn't think her husband would ever be able to forgive the betrayal. Every time he looked at Johnny, he would see it.

"No, we're in a great place, I can't ruin that," she said softly.

"These things have a way of coming out when you least expect it. Trust me on that."

"Yeah," she said. "I better get Johnny. Take care of yourself, Chris."

"You too, Amy," he said. "About Johnny, you have nothing to worry about from me. If someday you want to find out, that's fine. Liz said she's OK with that, we would figure out a way to tell our kids if we needed to. But Brian is his father, he always will be."

"Thank you," said Amy. "Are you going to tell her you ran into me?"

"Yeah, I have to. I want to," he said. "No more secrets."

"I hope it all works out for you. If nothing else, I want you to be happy," she said.

"I want the same for you, Amy. But think about what I said. The truth can set you free, I'm proof of that. It was the hardest thing I ever went through, but also the best thing that could ever happen to me." said Chris.

Amy smiled but said nothing as she walked towards Johnny. Chris had no idea if she actually would confess...probably not he thought. It was easier for Liz to gradually accept the existence of Johnny, she didn't have to see him every day and acknowledge how he may have been created. For Brian, it would be much more difficult, Chris figured.

So he couldn't really blame her for staying silent; after all if his wife hadn't accidently picked up his phone, he likely wouldn't have confessed either. But knowing what he knew now, he knew It was the only way he could ever hope to rebuild his marriage. Knowing how close he had come to losing everything was the perfect detox program.

It finally allowed him to move past his fantasies and truly give himself completely to his family, to his Liz. Finally, that goofy smile he loved, that he had spent the better part of 15 years working to destroy had returned, and he vowed it was never going to leave again by his hands.

Chris was sure he would find out if Amy ever did tell her husband (hopefully Brian didn't own any firearms). But it was no longer his concern. Finally he was free of his deep, dark secret.

Right now, there was only one place he wanted to be. He placed a call to the love of his life.

"Liz honey, I'm on my way home..."

THE END