Exploring My Bisexuality Ch. 02byHaley__F©
Note: I need to state clearly that this is not a work of fiction. What you are about to read follows on from my previous submission to Literotica, titled: Exploring My Bisexuality , which was about what happened to me and my sisters friend, Karen, one afternoon when we were alone. I haven't changed any names just like before because I think it's more exciting when kept real. I've been writing this since my first experience with Karen, it's not really a diary but a load of my thoughts and experiences between me and Karen.
Thank you to everyone who contacted me about my first posting, I appreciate all your comments very much.
Can't believe I gave Karen that note. Can't believe what has happened between us either. In one afternoon I made a life changing discovery and a huge choice. I Hope Karen keeps her word not to tell anyone about what we did. Janine (my sister, Karen's best friend) has no clue what we did in her bedroom while she was out. I want to keep it that way. I was a nervous wreck when Janine got home. Kept thinking Karen was going to tell her about our intimate meeting, but she didn't.
I always find that when I write my thoughts down things get clearer in my mind. I'm not extrovert or introvert, more in the middle, I have moments of contemplation and moments of social craziness like most, but I think I may be more shy than most. Don't know why I say that but it's just a feeling I get sometimes. Like when I take a shower at the gym after a workout or swim, I don't think it's necessary to walk around the changing room in my birthday suit. I wrap a towel around, get changed and go home, while other women are quite happy to stand there in front of everyone and chat away while their bodies are on show.
Is that just me or are lots of people like that? I can't be the only one who doesn't want to show my body off to everyone, can I? I'm not ugly, far from it if you ask any of the guys around my college, and I keep my body trim and healthy, but I guess shyness must have played a big part in what happened between Karen and me.
I've been wondering now about the impacts of writing this down may have, I thought I would want to keep this a secret, about me and Karen, and I figure it would be a big embarrassment if my mom and dad read this but then if someone who knew me read but never told me they had then that is a big turn on knowing they had read my most intimate thoughts and about my personal life.
I keep coming back to that afternoon with Karen. I was shocked at how I found Karen naked in my sisters bedroom looking at sexy stuff on the internet, and shocked at how I got turned on looking at her body and even more that I got undressed in front of her! The most shocking thing is that I pleasured another girl in a way I'd never even considered. I'm not gay. No way. Bisexual? Not sure about that either. Maybe I'm just curious and want to explore things. Maybe.
Karen said she'd been with Janine once, when they were drunk at a party. They had touched each other and got each other off but nothing more. She told me neither could remember much anyway and had said nothing about it since. Karen made it obvious she want to explore further with me, but at the time I was very unsure, and still am to some small degree, but now we both know I want to do more exploring because of the note I gave her. I was so unsure of my feelings or how to act after we had calmed down. I felt weird. Like I shouldn't have done that sort of thing with another girl or gotten aroused doing it because it's supposedly not normal. Confusing or what?
We all know normal is quickly becoming a strange word. What is normal? We could debate that question forever! It's seems perfectly normal now for two hugely famous female singers to snog one another on stage for the world to see. I don't want to start off a debate here, I want to tell you what happened next between me and Karen, problem is that my thoughts keep getting in the way!
Right. Okay. Here's a few of my thoughts. What is Karen going to say to me when we next see each other? She smiled when she read the note and waved at me. Good sign I hope. God I hope I don't act like a complete dork when we meet up! I know nerves are something I have to deal with, I just wish I could be calmer. I can't wait to see Karen again but then again I'm so nervous about what might happen.
I want to pleasure Karen in ways she's only dreamt about. That sounds so silly doesn't it? Can't think of another way to write it down. I imagine us laying next to each other, naked, caressing each others bodies, touching her warm smooth skin and feeling that build up of excitement as we drive each other mad.
Have spent the last few days hoping and not hoping to bump into Karen at college. Each day I felt like something bad or amazing was going to happen. I was starting to get a nasty feeling that Karen had gone off any idea of us getting together again. I'd almost decided that something was wrong when Karen dashed up to me outside the bus station and asked if she could have my mobile phone number.
She apologised for not being in contact as she was working extra hours at the bar. At first it felt a awkward, like we had had an argument and were just starting to make up. A minute and she was gone, waving at me as she dashed away to work.
She said we should "keep in touch" easier this way, what the hell did that mean? Is that all she wanted to do then, keep in touch like a long distance friend? I felt sick as I travelled home on the bus, like someone in my family had died, seems odd doesn't it? Can't help the way I feel, maybe I'd fallen in love with Karen and that was why I felt so horrible. I truly felt like crying, and I also felt a stupid for feeling that way about someone I hardly knew.
Karen called me tonight. Mom thought I was coming down with a cold or something when she saw me. I couldn't help it, I had been crying. I hadn't spoken or seen Karen for over a week until last night. Such horrible thoughts I had, and even now I still wonder if I know the full truth.
After staring at the TV for ages but not really watching it I decided to take a bath and go to bed. Janine was out with friends and mom and dad were watching holiday videos, yawn!
I heard my Nokia ring as I was running the bath. It was Karen. I hadn't added her number so I didn't know it was her calling but when I heard her voice I felt overwhelmed by relief and then scared of what she might say to me. I'll never remember exactly what we said but I'll try.
"Haley?" Karen's voice.
I shivered and was thrilled to finally hear her voice. Especially when I had started to think that maybe my phone was broken. "Hi Karen."
"You okay? You sound funny?"
"No, I'm okay, just tired," I lied, I wasn't going to tell her why I was sounding odd. "How you doing?"
"Okay, we've had three people off this week so I've had to do more shifts," Karen explained. "So I'm tired myself. Actually I'd bloody knackered."
"Just think of the money you've made," I said. I was trying to anticipate what she was going to say next and prepare myself for the worst.
"I managed to get next weekend off," Karen said. "I'll have chance to blow all my earnings!"
"That's your reward then."
"Want to come shopping with me?"
"Sure," I said. I wasn't totally over the moon at this conversation. I was happy to be talking to Karen but she wasn't saying anything I really wanted to hear. Does that make me a bad person?
"Cool. It'll be a blast."
"Look forward to it," I replied. God that was so formal. How was I supposed to aim the conversation in the direction I wanted? "So what're you up to?"
Silence. Karen wanted to say something I knew it. I couldn't bring myself to start it. That was so awkward.
"Not much, lounging on my bed. Feet are killing me."
"Actually I was going to take a bath," I said. Had to say something and that was all I could think of. It looks bad, like I just wanted to make her feel bad for interrupting me and that she wasn't important, but I just wanted to keep the conversation going.
"Sorry, should I call back later?"
"No, I can get undressed and speak to you at the same time," I joked.
"You're getting undressed now?"
I smiled. This was kind of going in the right direction. "Yep. Can't get in the bath fully dressed can I?"
"I guess not," Karen replied. "What're you wearing now?"
"Erm..." I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do this right now after feeling hurt with no contact.
"Sorry, shouldn't be asking you that should I?"
"Well I..." What should I say? Be all enticing and sexy or cut it short? "It's up to you really." I kicked the bedroom door shut and sat on my bed.
"Tell me what you're wearing," said Karen. "And what you're doing."
"I've already got my shirt off," I said, feeling a little silly. "I'm taking off my jeans right now, oh...hang on...one second...okay...now they're off." I shuffled my legs free. "I've just got my socks, knickers and bra left."
"Bet you look very cute," Karen said.
I blushed even though she couldn't see me. I wanted to know how she felt and what her response was to the note I gave her over 2 weeks ago. I was happy that she'd called but I really wanted something else other than cheap thrills. I don't think I've fallen in love with her, but I'm the sort of person who likes honestly and openness before cheap thrills are considered.
"What about the rest?" said Karen.
"You want me to be totally naked?"
"Sure. Go for it."
"Well I'm...if you insist," I said, feeling shy and awkward. "Okay...there go the socks. Just taking of my knickers...hang on, need to put the phone down on the bed..."
I flicked the lock on my door. I didn't really want anyone coming in while I was naked and talking on the phone. I quickly pulled my knickers off and unclipped by bra then grabbed the phone. I sat on my bed, shuffled back and lay down. Perhaps if Karen was sufficiently enticed she would offer some sort of explanation of her actions, or the lack of them. I won't deny that it did feel exciting to do all this. I'd never taken my clothes off on the phone before or told the other person what I was doing, so it was new thrill.
"There you go," I said and took a deep breath. "I've got nothing on at all. Completely naked and lying on my bed. Nice image for you to think..."
"Haley, I need to tell you something."
"I've read your note a hundred times now. Do you really mean what you wrote?"
This was it. I'd been waiting for Karen to say something like this since she left the house two weeks ago. Now the subject had come up I was back to being nervous, apprehensive and scared all at the same time.
"I do. Yes." I took more deep breaths. "I'm sorry I acted weird after we had...after doing that...well you know. I wasn't sure how I felt. It was all such a shock to me."
"You weren't the only one who felt like that," Karen told me. "I was so aroused by you, Haley, and annoyed when your sister came home. I thought you didn't want to know, like you'd made a big mistake."
I felt like crying. Karen was saying what my fears at the time were. I choked back my sobs and wiped my eyes.
"I meant what I wrote," I said. "I might act like a complete freak if we ever...well, go do anything else...I mean I want you to know that I'd be so nervous. I know I shouldn't be after what we've already done together but I am."
"I kinda feel the same way," Karen admitted. "You know I've been with your sister, different thing though, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be a bit nervous. We'd just have to relax and be ourselves."
"I thought you didn't want to know," I said. I couldn't help it. My feelings were taking over. I had already expressed my desire to be with Karen and had since felt like she had turned me down. I felt tears fill my eyes. "You haven't tried to see me or call me or anything. I thought I'd upset you."
"Jesus Haley, I'm sorry," Karen said. Her voice was quiet. "I've been working. You never upset me. Don't cry, please."
I choked a few sobs back and wiped tears from cheeks. "I thought because of how I acted toward you afterward that you didn't want to know me. I figured you thought I was immature or too frightened to do it with you or ashamed of what we had done."
"No, no, no," Karen said. "I never thought that. Never. I have wanted to call you, but if I phoned you home line your family would wonder why you were spending ages on the phone with your sisters best mate, it would have looked...weird. And I've just been so...so busy."
"I know you have," I said. I stopped crying. I was such a baby, and I was starting to feel very embarrassed at myself. It wasn't as if we were going out or anything...The very idea now makes me smile! I'm not ready for anything like that yet. "Sorry."
"I do want us to meet up you know," Karen said. "If you mean what you said in your note."
"I did. I'm sorry I hesitated."
"Stop it. Don't worry about anything."
I had calmed down a lot now. Sure I felt so silly but at least we were talking about what had bothered me...quite how much I hadn't realised until just then. I couldn't have such strong feeling for another girl could I? Especially after only one time with her? No, even now I don't think it's like that, more to do with the fact that I felt rejected after bearing myself to Karen, after doing something so intimate, and with another girl which I think is more intense than with a boy.
Part of my worry was that she had been telling her friends what we had done and laughing about it. I had felt so sure that she had done something like this, and at times it made me feel so sick. I had to find out.
"Okay," I said with a sniff. "This is a secret isn't it?"
"And you won't tell anyone?"
"No way," said Karen after a slight pause.
"I want to do more, Karen, I really do," I said, a little concerned over her hesitation. "But this is all so new to me, you do know that right?"
"Haley, the other day was amazing," Karen said. Her voice was quiet as if recalling the afternoon we spent together. "I told you then that I wanted to go further and I still do. I'm not going to rush you or pressure you at all."
"Easy and simple is good," I said. "Nice and slow. Sorry to be weird about it."
"Stop apologising!" Karen said with mock authority in her voice.
We both laughed and I felt much more at ease then. I had a strange feeling she hadn't been totally honest with me but I wasn't going to let that worry me for no reason. "So what do we do now?"
"We could meet up," suggested Karen.
This came as a shock, I've no idea why really as the only way I was going to explore my bisexual side was to be with another girl. I guess I'd spent so much time worrying about why Karen hadn't called me I hadn't focussed on the possibilities of if and when we would meet.
"Okay," I said, in no hurry to take the next step all of a sudden. I was aware of the logistics of it all. "Where though?"
"Not at my house," Karen stated firmly. "We'd never get time alone."
"I know!" I said with excitement. "My mom and dad are going to my aunts in Exeter this weekend." I said. "They'll be back Sunday lunch time. I'm not going, too boring for words."
"Sounds good, what about Janine?"
"Oh crap, hang on..." I jumped off the bed, oddly enough I realised I was still nude and checked to make sure the door was locked. I rummaged in my bag for by diary. "...just checking something...YES! She's going on a training course at the same time, leaves Friday afternoon and won't be back till Sunday."
"That's excellent!" Karen said, clearly over the moon at this news. "I have to work at the bar Friday lunch so I can come round in the evening if you'd like."
The rest of the phone call was about the latest round of gossip at college. We said goodbyes and I soaked in the bath before writing this down. I'm so nervous now, can't stand it! I didn't think this would happen so fast. What if it all goes really wrong and I act like a right moron? Karen will think I'm mental.
My stomach is churning loads. I keep thinking that I'm going to chicken out at the last moment. Two weeks ago I was basically blackmailed into it by Karen, well kind of, she didn't force me to do anything in the end, just got me into the room and my curiosity took over.
I must be insane to agree to this. I'll be a nervous wreck come Friday night, I'm already scared half to death at the thought and it's only Tuesday! Deep down I am so excited at what might happen, and so anxious to get on with it.
It's now Thursday night and I'm so nervous I wish I could just sit and chain smoke but I can't, my mom would kill me if she knew. This afternoon I used the internet in Janine's bedroom, supposedly for homework but I had alternative plan. I wanted to read other stories of bisexual girls to see if any of them would prepare me or help me know what to expect.
I checked my email first and was so shocked to find a load of emails from people who had read my first submission to Literotica. They all loved what I had written, I couldn't believe it. I read every one, even some from girls who wanted to explore their own bisexuality but hadn't quite done what I have. I hope I have inspired you in some way.
I was amazed by the response, honestly. When I finished reading them I made my mind up to submit more to Literotica, maybe not just about myself, I'll have to wait and see what I think about. If anyone who sent me an email is reading this I offer my sincere thanks to you. I never expected any response and I truly appreciate all your thoughts.
When I wrote down my first experience with Karen, I didn't plan on making it gratuitously sexual, filthy, dirty or anything smutty, I just wanted to write my thoughts and feelings down of what happened, just as I am doing now.
Anyway, I then read a few stories on Literotica and while I did find some over the top and obviously there just to arouse the reader (no harm in that at all by the way) I did find some that portrayed women making love to one another for the first time. I found those women to be beautiful in their tenderness for each other, how they pleasured each other and took pleasure in their own bodies. By the time I turned off the computer I was horny and headed to my own bedroom.
I stripped off in front of the mirror on my wall and looked at myself. I'm not outstanding in my looks, I can admit that much. I don't have any weird features that separate me from a crowd. My hair is always nice and clean, and I keep it loose around my shoulders. My best facial feature are my eyes, baby blue, very vivid like I'm wearing illuminated contact lenses.
I feel like I should describe the rest of me now, okay might as well. My breasts are a 32 B and pretty white due to tan lines which are fading a bit now after our holiday in Crete last October. My areolas and nipples are dark pink and I'm one of those girls whose nipples seem to be stiff a lot of the time, which always turns boys heads if I'm just wearing a tight t-shirt. I don't think I'm terribly slim, not fat at all, just normal really. I keep in shape at the gym but don't go overboard. My stomach isn't rippling with muscles or anything and below you can see more tan lines.
When we were in Crete we all joked about going to a nudist beach for a giggle, we never did, I think I'd either die of embarrassment or have to leave from laughing too much. Although, I have to admit the idea of going to a nudist beach does intrigue me, but not with my family, don't think I'd enjoy that at all.
What else is there to say about me? Personal stuff: I keep my pubic hair trimmed in a V shape and my legs waxed, by bum is small and firm, a bit like a boys bum really! I take care of my body and apart from smoking (yes, I know it's bad for you) I'm in good shape.