F5: Kay Submits to Bob

Fun first submission.

Warning: My comments will tend to be harsher than complimentary. It is meant to help. I hope that by identifying what *didn't* work for me, the author might have some insight into areas of improvement, so far as one reader's opinion goes. I didn't read the other comments, until composing my own.
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* First impression during and after the read. *

Moves along nicely - never a big fan of the point-by-point physical descriptions. Prefer to let that appear piecemeal through the early story.

Also not a fan of a lot of 'Oh', 'Well', and 'So' to start sentences. Can almost always be deleted.

Her dialogue makes her seem weak, immature. Especially for a 25 year old with an important job, creating a million dollar budget, and getting hired by Google. Seems clueless about marketing. ROI on ad campaigns is essential as are extensive metrics.

Hot scene of his first controlling her, up until the last paragraph before the break. Awkward read, had to read it twice to understand the last few sentences correctly.

Second time ellipsis was written with four periods .... - please stick to three. Other than that, very clean grammatically.

Enjoyed her anxiety while he trimmed her. Nice sneaky trick, using the back of the trimmer to get her off.

I'll never complain about a good story that is LitEROTICA.

Story seemed to end pretty abruptly. Would have enjoyed some conclusion, and/or an actual use for the items, beyond referencing them once at the beginning, and again at the end. Maybe a final scene, using the items.

Overall, a fun little sex romp, but nothing memorable.


* Favorite Elements *

Smart to get her out of the office, before starting to play. Wondered if he had anything to do with it, although there were no hints.

The no-nonsense bar pickup worked for me.

Initial control in the bedroom scene, having her strip, pulling her hair, bringing her to orgasm. Very effective.

I liked the shaving scene, especially the conclusion with the back of the shaver. Creative and hot.


* Issues *

Not enough tension for me, no drama. The 'few months' between their first intimate meeting, to him shaving her seems like a strange gap. I'd have liked some buildup there.

She seemed kind of simple minded and inept. I prefer stronger women. Personal feeling only.

Not enough passion, couldn't really feel her desire, need, or his, except when he had her undress and gave her the first orgasm.

Unsatisfying ending, seemed to leave me hanging.more...

Not much to add and I concur with the others. I did wonder why Barb was so clueless about how things worked businesswise.

If only...

I read this story in the evening rather than before work, I'd be a lot better off ;). It was certainly sexy, and the sexual tension between Bob and Kay was well-conveyed. It definitely could be developed farther, along the lines stl suggested. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it a lot for what it was and I would have stayed with it to see where it would go from here. I actually rather liked the mere peek at the items first and last.more...

Definitely had the sex, missing the tension.

Oh, what a great story this would have made if the non-sex D/s dynamic events had been as hot and well-described as the sex!

You missed two opportunities to build the tension you needed to make your ending work just the way it's written: their build-up before the first time they get together and between the first and second time. Kay is instantly attracted to Bob, but nobody makes a move until she's ready to leave the company. You could have done so much more to edge up to him actually taking her by showing their increasingly sexual interactions at work, complicated by the tension of it being against the rules for them to date. Between the first time they get together and when he shaves her (Which I think was the hottest sex scene in FAWC, congrats!) it's like nothing happens. Do they date? Does he ignore her? Does he keep her on edge, denying her orgasms until she's "ready"? Does he tell her to do risky things at her new job?

If more tension and dynamic had been in place for the between-sex scenes, it would have been easier for me to use my imagination to come up with the crazy things I thought kinky Bob would do when I got to the knife, book and handkerchief at the end, which is what I think you intended.more...

Forget Something?

Forget something--like that there was an exercise requirement? Extremely weak use of the exercise requirement, and I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this. Still gave it pretty high marks because it was well written and because, although I think Bob is a predatory prick and Kay is a bimbo, the story seemed to completely satisfy the genre. And this is, after all, an erotic story site.more...