Failing Upward Ch. 14

Sid believes I hate him.

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Last entry. I closed my eyes to think.

It was all there before. Hadn't Glenda told me I was from Pleiades? Sid was there when she told me...

I had a bad feeling about all this-- I knew Shackleton better than the other Wes. Shackleton would only want to go back if he thought there was something he wanted. Like power or pain.

My guess was he intended to inflict both. I had to stop him.

I was racking my brain trying to think of what to do when Lynn called.

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I hesitated to go to the New Year's Eve party at Alan's with Lynn. I did want to see Sid, just not at a party with everyone slobbering drunk.

I also wanted to see Lynn. I needed to talk to her.

When I got into her car, I was so fucking nervous she thought I was having a breakdown. Fucking bad time to have an anxiety attack. By the time we were half way down the driveway, I was hyperventilating. It made Les's excuse me more credible-- that I was gone those months because I needed a mental vacation.

Nice way to put I wigged out.

"You want to stay here?" she finally asked, stopping the car. "I mean, we don't have to go out in public. If you'd like, I could go buy some champagne. We could toast the new year in together at my place."

"No," I said, putting my head between my legs. "I need to do this."

"Count to twenty backward," she said, as she turned out of our driveway. It worked. That and the relaxation technique Sid taught me. I imagine green grass waving, barn swallows swooping over a lazy creek and the sweet smell of honeysuckle.

"Listen, I know you're nervous about seeing Sid again..."

There went my happy country paradise...

"You know about Sid? Christ!"

This wasn't good. I thought I was going to hyperventilate again.

"Of course I know. You're as easy to read as a Dr. Seuss book. Besides, Sid confirmed it."

I started chewing my nails, and she slapped my hand away from my mouth.

"Will you stop that!"

"What ever..."

"Don't be mad at Sid for telling me. I sort of tricked him into it." She sighed, then reached over and squeezed my knee.

"Hey big guy, just admit it-- you love him."

"I don't believe this... "

No way Sid could be kept a secret. What was I doing coming to this party? I wanted to connect with Sid again even after all the other Wes had sacrificed to keep him safe.

"You're going to be fine. Let him come to you. He always does. Then, tell him you're sorry and everything will be the way it was before."

"But it won't be," I whispered.

I'd go to this party. See this Sid. He had to understand it was over. He wasn't my Sid. He belong to the Wes in the other time-- the one I traded lives with. If by some chance I could trade places with the other Wes, I was going to do it. Then that Wes could make the choice to go back to Sid, but I wasn't going to make that choice.

As soon as I walked into the room and saw him, I knew it was going to be hard.

Those sad puppy eyes of his followed me around the room. Smith tackled me and I landed half on the sofa and half on the coffee table. Sid pulled me up by the elbow.

"Take it easy," he said to Smith.

"I'm fine," I said, pulling away from Sid.

"Yeah, he's fine. See?" Smith said, giving me a one-two punch in the ribs, "but are you fine enough to play with us Wednesday night? What do you say? Please?! Come on!"

"Ok, ok, I'll be there," I said. "But only if you stop it. I'm tender, you know."

I stepped backward on top of Sid's foot, and he handed me a beer.

"You look like shit for someone who's been on a mental vacation for over six months."

What was I doing?

Wesley, get that stupid grin off your face. Stop looking into Sid's eyes. God, he's twitching his nose.

I had wondered-- if you have sex with your partner in an alternate universe, would that be considered cheating? Now that was a real temporal paradox.

"Thanks," I said, as I twisted off the top. "You look great."

Had to get away from him fast...

I started walking toward the hallway, and he followed me. Shit.

I brushed past Lynn as she lolled against the wall talking to her many admirers. I watched her drag her enameled fingernails up her leg, hiking that skirt up a bit higher. Each male panted for more. Lynn was a walking libidinous bug zapper. Alan buzzed closer, a more interesting specimen of a horny insect sans victim. Looked like she was charging up for him. Now she was giving him those, 'come fuck me' eyes.

I turned my head to say something to her, and she winked at me.

"Um-m, I have to use the bathroom," I said. "Be right back."

When I came out, Sid was gone. So was Lynn. She was seated on Alan's lap, sucking his face in the corner. I couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. Lynn was with Alan again, and where the fuck had Sid gone? I sat down on the sofa and watched reruns of the Twilight Zone while Jimbo sat next to me and told me in detail about his infected finger. Three episodes of sci-fi and twenty-thousand words on puss. Geeze.

I kept looking at the door, wondering where Sid went.

Lynn finally took pity on me and quit tormenting Alan long enough to get me another beer, rescuing me from Jimbo. She sat on the other side of me and animatedly told me about her summer romances. How many different places she did it ('Wes, did you know canoes can be amazingly stable?'), what position ('Bark like a dog for me, honey') and with whom ('I think that was with Jeff, or was it John?').

I know I was getting one of those glazed over looks round about the time she got to telling me all about the lime vodka shooters' contest. I casually looked to the door as another guest arrived fashionably late.

"Hey you!?" she said to me, waving her hands frantically in front of my face. "If you want to know, he went to the store to buy a few liquid refreshments, but that's right... you don't care... so that wouldn't be you who keeps looking at the door every time someone comes in. And, oh yeah, you probably could give a shit where he is-- so forget I told you."

"I didn't ask."

"Hm-m-m, you can never do anything the easy way, can you Wes?"

"Oh, fucking hell. I might as well just spread my legs for any handsome sailor like you do."

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go find Alan. It's getting close to twelve-- time to 'spread my legs' ya know! At least one of us should get a kiss tonight..."

She got up and wiggled her ass across the room. Every guy in the room watched.

Bitch.

"A kiss?" I hollered across the room. "Is that what you call it now?"

I decided to escape the traditional ringing in of the New Year, and I got my coat.

I found myself walking out the back door and wandering out to the river. I shoved my hands deep in my pockets. The air had that same crisp, icy feel-- I just had to go out there and see if the swing and tree were there. Were they a memory or just a dream buried in the sand?

I stopped. The tire swing was up ahead.

It was much the same... tonight the leaves were stiff and frozen from winter, not dry and brittle. The water was still black, but the river's edge was crusted with ice and littered with leaves and twigs. I leaned against the old oak and watched a lone Butterfinger wrapper float by. I reached out and pushed the swing. It flew back and hit me hard with a thick, hollow echo-- I noticed a slug of ice in the well of the tire where the snow had thawed and frozen; I turned it upside down and knocked it out.

My hands were cold, and I cupped them, huffing into them for warmth. Giving up, I shoved them back into my pockets and looked toward the house, half expecting to see Sid. After all isn't that what I wanted when I wandered out here.

Fuck it, I thought, as I took my icy hands back out of the flannel lining and jumped on the swing.

Amazing how alert you become after sitting your ass on a cold tire. The night was so still I had no trouble hearing him come up behind me.

I pretended he wasn't there and swung out over the river, looking down into the water. The same dark water stared back. I wondered what time it was. When I swung back, Sid stopped the swing and turned me around to face him.

"Thought you'd be out here," he said, planting his foot inside the tire and rocking it back and forth.

"You left..." I said.

"You left first..." he came back.

I caught the sting of his double meaning and started to wiggle off the swing, but he stopped me. With one leap, he was on top of me, straddling my legs, the rope between us. Our eyes locked. He moved his warm gloved hands tight over mine.

"That should keep you from going anywhere," he said, deliberately shifting his weight forward.

"You're squishing me." He gave me that lopsided grin and rested his forehead on the rope. He smelled like potato chips.

"You never complained before..." he said, looking up at his wrist. "Last time I followed you out here, I ended up taking you home. It's almost twelve, Cinderella."

Sid began to count down: "Ten... nine... eight..."

This wasn't what I'd planned. But god, he looked like my Sid...

"seven... six... five..."

I couldn't take my eyes off his mouth.

He sounded like my Sid.

"four... three... two..."

I slowly tilted my head, edging closer. Potato chips. And cinnamon.

He smelled like my Sid.

"one.."

The rope creaked as his lips brushed mine. His hands squeezed mine tighter. My lips slowly parted as his tongue pushed through them.

He tasted like my Sid.

I kept reminding myself-- this isn't my Sid, even if that hand of his kneading the back of my neck felt like his.

"Happy New Year," he whispered into my mouth, and I all could do in return was moan.

And that was how I let myself get carried away.

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We were half way to Sid's house with his hand tugging on my zipper before I realized what was happening. I almost said stop, but suddenly my jeans went z-z-zip, and I felt a familiar light breeze. My brain was wavering between 'What the hell am I doing? I'm supposed to be backing off,' and 'What the hell are you waiting for? Fuck me so hard I can't stand for a week.'

His hand began creeping down my boxers, his skilled fingers arcing in and around when I blurted out "I'm not who you think I am..."

He rolled his eyes at me then looked back at the road, but he continued with his roving fingers, teasing me with seemingly accidental nicks.

"You aren't going to start with that 'I'm an alien' crap again-- because I tell ya-- that can really spoil the mood." I jerked forward after another of Sid's fingers brushed like a feather against my cock. He looked at me innocently. Accidental? Hardly-- ah, even in this reality, Sid had my sexual tension honed to an art.

His next move wasn't as subtle-- the edge of his fingernail circling the head of my dick. My half erect cock jumped to full attention in his hand. "Oh Christ, oh fuck," I cursed.

"That's what I like-- encouragement," he said, turning into his driveway with his free hand.

"M-maybe th-this isn't such a good idea..." I bit my tongue; I thought I was going to cry it felt so good.

He put the car in park and turned to me. "A little late to change your mind, don't ya think?"

I squirmed around in the seat as his thumb boldly played with the head of my cock, slathering pre-come around. "Oh god..." I moaned, sinking down in the seat.

"I think we better take this in the house-- I don't need my neighbors gossiping."

NO shit. Wasn't he the sensible one? He gave me a squeeze, and I grabbed the door handle tight. He took his hand out of my pants, and I tried to fasten them, but there was more there than before and my damn hands kept trembling. How come Sid could unfasten my jeans with one hand, and I couldn't manage with two? I finally gave up, took a deep breath and got out of his car, pulling my Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt down to hide my crotch.

As I followed behind him, I kept repeating to myself that I couldn't let this go any further. I came here to talk to him-- to explain. I had to talk to Sid. Must keep resolve.

I lagged behind as he walked briskly to the door. I ran my hands through my hair. Fuck, he was in a hurry, in such as hurry, to get inside. I needed time to think. He fumbled and dropped his keys twice. It was like he knew-- knew I was gonna change my mind and say those four dirty words... 'we need to talk.'

As my foot hit the door jam, my tongue was still numb as I vainly tried to articulate the words. What came out was garbled. I licked my lips. Fuck, my mouth was dry. The instant he saw me lick my lips he grabbed my shirt. One sharp tug and my chest was crushed against his. Now he was biting down on my tongue. I never had a chance to whimper no. Instead, he pushed me against the door, one hand behind me deftly throwing the lock while his other hand accomplished its mission, releasing my cock from my half open jeans.

I could no longer resist; I was at his mercy. I ground my cock into his hand; I could feel every finger around me-- firm, smooth. My eyes wide open, I watched transfixed as his eyelids fluttered. It felt so good, so good.

Then he came up for air, opening his eyes. God they were beautiful. All I could think of, all I could remember, were those months without him, believing I'd never see his nose twitch or eyes crinkle just as they were right now. My heart missed him. I tried to convince myself this was my Sid in so many ways, yet inside I knew he wasn't.

Still, I bent in for another kiss-- just one more taste. As I did he said, "I love you," making my heart twist even more as he waited for me to say it back, but I couldn't.

"Maybe I deserved that..." he said as he rolled his head in closer to mine.

My heart was pounding so hard I thought he could hear it as he waited to hear the words 'I love you' in return. Each tug of my cock became more urgent.

I could see my silence hurt him, and I tried to kiss his cheek-- make the hurt go away, and he turned his head.

Then his hand stopped.

"Ultimatums do that--" he said, kissing the corner of my mouth, "they come back and bite you in the ass."

His hand tensed against me. Then gently, he slid it off of me, wrapped it around me, hugging me close.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into my ear, "so sorry, I tried to make you choose between your family and me. Now, I don't know why I forced it. I guess I wanted all of you. Every part, the private and the public. God, I missed you so much. It doesn't matter. I don't fucking care. We can stay locked together and never let the world see us, no one need know that you're gay-- just as long as you stay with me, just as long as you love me."

God, he was so much like my Sid-- same sweet measured mixture of conscience and countenance. I could only hope to be more like him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Forgive me for making you choose. I won't do it again. And if you don't feel right being here, I'll take you home, but I would like you to stay."

Truthful, loyal. Shit. He's Sid through and through. He patiently waited for me to answer, his lips pressed to my ear.

"I don't want you to take me home..." I said honestly. "But..."

As he leaned against me, I felt him flinch at my last word.

What would the other Wes do right now? I wish I knew what my counterpart would do. I hoped he would tell him the truth. I had to make him believe. Wes had a reason to tell Sid what he was the night before Shackleton appeared and turned our lives into a nightmare. He loved Sid, and as I looked over at him I knew I loved this Sid, too. I loved him enough to not just fuck him and let him think I was the same person.

I took a deep breath, and Sid gave me space.

"Shit, I guess I've spoiled the mood," I said under my breath.

I surveyed the room. A few things were different-- living room furniture no longer facing the picture window, an added oak entertainment center and saltwater fish aquarium, but most of the furniture looked the same. I scratched the top of my legs. Nervous, nervous, nervous and very, very, horny. I wondered what my Sid was doing with the other Wes at this very moment.

"Fucking hell," he said. "Well, we might as well both sit down and be comfortable while you're shooting yourself in the foot."

I took a seat, and he plopped down next to me. Too close. I scooted over and pressed myself against the arm of the couch. I decided the best way to keep my resolve was to keep my distance.

"Shoot myself in the foot? Hey, not a bad idea. Gotta gun? That's one way I could prove it to you."

"What's wrong with you! Don't joke about shooting yourself--"

"Who's joking?"

"Stop it! You disappeared for months. No one would tell me where you were. Christ, Les acted scared-- like he didn't know what happened to you. Now you wonder why I might be concerned when you start talking about shooting yourself?!"

Hmm, or maybe that fork over on the counter-- I could stab myself in the hand again. It worked once before with Alan and Lynn-- but considering Sid's mental state, probably going too far.

"Well, I'm not nor have I ever been suicidal-- so put that out of your mind. I'm indestructible. Kinda like the rock of ages. Still, I'm not out looking for pain or to end it all. In fact, I do have a self preservation switch in my brain. Lately though I think its malfunctioning-- it should trip instinctively. Seems like by now fight or flight should be hard wired into me. Fucking faulty wiring."

"What in holy crap are you talking about?"

"Sorry. I'm babbling. My brain's a bit confused. Switching parallel universes can be a bitch. Maybe it's some kind of interstellar jet lag." God, I knew I must have sounded insane to him especially when I began to laugh maniacally at my own bad joke.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and took a look over at Sid. He was frowning and chewing the inside of the his cheek. He was freaked already, might as well go for it.

"I know I sound crazy, but I am from another universe."

"Not this again..."

I ignored him and kept going...

"I switched time lines with the other Wes. Um-- we're both aliens. Now I'm here in this time trying to decide what the fuck to do next. Do you have anything to drink? I think a shot of something hard would do the trick..."

I stood up and walked out to the kitchen, opening the cupboard under the sink where I knew Sid kept his stash. Bingo, Jim Beam.

"Listen, you're either trying to get rid of me or you're schizophrenic. Either way, this relationship is most likely fucked."

"There's a third option," I offered, dragging the chair from the counter to reach the cupboard above the fridge.

"What's that?"

"The other possibility is that I really am an alien..."

I climbed up on the chair. Now where he were his shot glasses, in this mess? I looked down. Shit, jeans still undone. I reached in the cupboard, pulling out two glasses. Oh, well.

"Hm-m dusty..." I said, blowing inside one of them.

I jumped down from the chair and looked at Sid, then hiked up my pants.

"Fuck you, Wes. No, I take that back, fuck me."

"I'm serious," I said. "I'll prove it to you. I can move things with my mind."

I unscrewed the whiskey then set it down on counter and finished wiping the glasses out with my t-shirt.

"Hey, that's not sanitary!" he said.

I poured the shots and waltzed out to the other room.

"Did Wes know where you kept your liquor?"

"What is this first person shit? You sound crazy."

"Did he?"

"He must or you wouldn't have known where to look."

Smart ass, I thought as I handed him a glass. I tried to look cool as I threw back my Jim Beam, but I never was suave about drinking. Fuck, that burned. As I choked and turned red, Sid elegantly downed his and sat back watching me, rolling the glass between his thumb and fingers. He didn't have to act so amused.