Failing Upward Ch. 16

No, it wasn't just sex. It never was.

"But it's not just the act. Make love to me in the garden in June, when the roses are in full bloom, and I'll make it happen."

----------------------

"Um, what do you want? It's a little late for breakfast, but I know how much you like Belgium waffles. Want some?"

My stomach gurgled. Sid laughed as I flopped over on my back and looked up. He smiled down at me, all ruffled and scrambled from last night's sex. As he picked up the phone next to the bed, my stomach gurgled again.

I was hungry, but...

"Ordering room service?" I asked, rubbing my traitor of a belly. "I think I'll pass... I have all the room service I need right here." I rolled into Sid and bit his forearm.

"Ouch! Not my arm! You gotta eat-- but, um-m, not me-- at least not now. You're so thin those pointy hip bones are bruising my precious physique."

I threw the covers up over my head. I knew if I didn't relent, he'd keep insisting.

"Damn it..." I sighed. "You know what I want isn't on the menu-- It isn't fair when what I want most is just inches away in this very room."

I squirmed my hand under the covers, inching snake-like toward his exposed ass cheek and copped a quick feel o' Sid. He yelped out, swatting my hand away.

"Come on! Can I order off of your menu?" I begged. "Ple-e-ease?!" I flung the sheets back, exposing my wicked morning hard on. "For god's sake, take pity on me."

"Later," he said. I saw a twinge of lust flickering in his eyes, weighing out the 'should I or shouldn't I.' He wet his lips in concentration (or maybe longing) as his fingers hovered over the buttons on the phone-- for a moment there, I thought I'd won him over. Then, his stubborn streak threw cold water in my lap. He punched the buttons on the phone, announcing, "I think you need something more substantial."

I laughed. "Um, you're pretty substantial. Maybe we could ask room service to compare-- their chef's Belgium waffles to my Sid's dick. What do you think? I already know your ingredients have more protein."

"Fuck, will you shut up... I'm calling."

"You're blushing! I can't believe you're fucking embarrassed. Or maybe that color is something else-- like desire," I said, tugging on his arm to come back to bed. "Let's take a closer look. Yeah, um-m, it's right here on your label..." I threw back the sheet the rest of the way, exposing his clear interest. "Says here... Nutritional Facts: Serving size, 2 teaspoons; Serving per container, unlimited; Calories, 15; Protein, 2 grams."

Sid rolled his eyes. "Listen, maybe after. Until then, does strawberries and whip cream sound good?" I giggled. "With the waffles..." he amended.

I rolled over on to my back and stared up at the ceiling, resigned. "Yeah, fuck that sounds good--" I sighed. "A ton of strawberries and whip cream, lots of creamer for coffee too... Maybe later we could get creative..." I added hopefully.

He crooked his neck so that his cheek muffled the mouth piece as he talked to me. "Ok, I'm off hold now so be quiet..."

I turned on my side, watching him closely and following his every breath. I picked at a hangnail while my stomach made low churning noises, not taking my eyes off him. I kind of lost myself staring at Sid's hands in a dizzy, blind lust. Yeah. Basic carnal need. My whole body prickled. And that part of me which hungered for his grip resurrected. I slid into him, coaxing his free hand to show a bit of interest in that starved body part.

"Just one minute," he said to the kitchen.

He straightened up, moved to the edge of the bed and turned his back to me. No fair, I thought. I scooted toward his warmth. That side of the bed was so, so far away. He turned his head to me, putting his hand over the receiver. "Anything else?" he asked.

"Bacon would be great." I flexed my cold feet into his back, and he jumped.

He took his hand off the mouth piece and turned his attention back to the phone, trying his best to ignore me. "Belgium waffles, double strawberries and whipped cream," he ordered. "Make that a pot of coffee, extra creamer and bacon too."

"Not rubbery though," I interrupted. Sid frowned and slapped his hand over the receiver again and pressed his finger to his lips to shush me.

He looked irritated. What was up with him? I took my feet away and rolled back on to my side of the bed.

He slowly removed his hand from the mouth piece. "Sorry... I want the bacon crispy. Four pieces. Yeah and also a ham and cheese omelet. Great. Toast, too. How long? Ok... Thanks..."

He hung up and rolled over into me. "About thirty minutes," he said.

"What the hell was that about?" I asked.

"What was what?" he asked.

"Telling me to be quiet. What was that?"

"Hello! You're in my bed. Naked."

"That's a bad thing?"

"Think. You're famous. In the spot light. You just can't parade around and do what ever you want-- naked."

"I'm not parading... do I look like I'm parading?! I could though. Want to see?! Here... now I'm getting out of bed. Now I'm parading. Maybe I should open these curtains?"

"Get back in bed and quit messing around! I'm sure the press already knows you're not in your room-- although they may not be too interested in what lucky girl's bed you might have graced last night, they sure as hell would be interested to know you were in bed with me-- your manager. Hello! You're a rock star with thousands of admiring fans... fans who read and watch your every move... fans who don't know you're gay."

I walked back to the bed and got in.

"Great. In the other universe we had to hide from Glenda, here we have to hide from the world."

"Wes, you're not alone. A lot of homosexuals live their whole lives in secret. Christ. You've got a bigger secret that this."

"Being immortal? That's different. I'm not hiding how I feel about you. That was before. I can't hide how I feel about you. I've tried that; it didn't work, remember?."

"I don't like it any more than you do. I never hid being gay before, but here, in this place, it's necessary. I know it will be hard, but we can do this."

"You're the one who spent all those years trying to get me to face what I am-- now you're telling me not to?"

"It's not just you, it's me-- and I'm not saying that you should deny who you are to me-- I never want you to hide how you feel from me. You just don't need to share how you feel about me with everyone-- it's not good PR..."

I bit my lip. He was making such a big deal out of this... had to be more to it. Sid would never deny being gay. He was always true to himself-- being 'straight forward' was one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

"So what if people know I'm a homo," I smiled, flopping my head into his lap. "I think you're more important to me than a career. You don't have to do this for me."

"Well, there's the other band members to consider. You're not just messing with your career, you're messing with everyone in the band."

I sure hadn't thought of that-- messing with other people's livelihood.

"Ok," I said, "but last night in the elevator you didn't seem to be too concerned about anyone finding out."

"I'd lost my perspective for a moment there. Temporary insanity. You have that effect. But I've been here in this reality a while; you haven't. Les and Smith aren't open. They can't be. I'm sorry-- it's the way it has to be. Where we came from, I had no problem letting the world know I'm gay, but I'm not the same person here. The Sid in this universe does have a problem telling people. It's not just about me..."

"But you're not that Sid... you just said..."

"You're wrong. I am that Sid too now, and you're that Wes."

"Next you'll be saying we don't belong together."

"Don't talk crazy. Of course we belong together."

"But not the same..." I ran my toe up the inside of his calf.

"Yes," he said finally. "I think I have a responsibility to carry on in this universe the way, Sid, my counterpart would..." Sid smiled down at me despite himself. "We aren't them, but yet we are. I don't think that I have the right to change the other Sid's life just because it's the way I think he should live it. I wouldn't want him to change my path."

"Yeah, you're right." I closed my eyes thinking, scratching his ankle with my toe nail. Yes, I'd had thought about that. A lot. That was one reason why I tried to keep Sid and 'my' relationship from Glenda in the last universe. But it wasn't the motivating factor. The main reason was to protect Sid. Maybe not so much from, Glenda, but from Shackleton and the Community. That wasn't the case here.

"Ok, maybe this is a moral dilemma," I shrugged. "It's also about survival." I crossed my arms. "No one's going to be hurt because we're open with our relationship. I mean, other rock stars are gay."

"You don't know what will happen. That's just it. You're making a decision for someone else-- not just the other Wes, for everyone else connected with the band."

"So, this is what it means to be famous? I don't like the cost."

Sid closed his eyes and rested his head back down on his pillow.

"This whole discussion-- you're talking like you expect that we're going back to our universe."

"Remember, we displaced another Wes and Sid. My alter ego and yours. I gotta think when we switched on the beach what happened to them was accidental too. How have they rearranged our lives back there?"

"So you changed your mind? At the cottage you said you didn't want to go back."

"I don't know. I don't know what to do."

"If I was them, I wouldn't want to come back. They don't have to hide their feelings for each other."

"Well, they have Shackleton, Glenda and the Community to worry about."

He looked at the alarm clock beside the bed.

"And the rest of my family..." The one reason I wanted to stay in this universe was my sister. She was alive here.

"I don't know. This whole universe thing. What if after awhile, you become part of the place you're in. I mean physically. You already know that coming into another universe changes you mentally. I don't know if I want this life. I didn't make it, but every day I'm here I feel myself bending. Then there's the roses..."

So that was it, that was the other part. I scratched my wrist, thinking. There was something else going on here with Sid that he wasn't saying. I felt it.

"The roses..." he whispered, and he leaned down and kissed me sadly.

"And secrets..." I whispered, frowning. "I can live with secrets-- what I can't live without is you."

"I'm not leaving."

I wished I could see inside him right now. I tried. Nothing was clear. It was like looking into murky water, I could see the problems at the bottom of the pool, but they were too distorted to distinguish. I thought of my promise to him last night, to make everything all right in the garden. I almost said it again now, 'Follow me home, I'll make it up to you.' Sometimes I get so full of myself I start to believe I can take some kind of magic wand and take all the bad away. I hoped it wasn't the roses influencing my brain like some narcotic-- or at least I hoped what I did see and feel under their influence was real. I asked him to believe in me when I don't even know if I believe in myself. Now, watching him chewing on the inside of his cheek, I filled with doubt. He had to be reading this from me. Had to be...

"What's wrong. I mean what's really wrong."

"Breakfast isn't here yet..."

"Not that. I know something is seriously wrong. Talk to me Sid."

"I can't explain when I don't understand. It's not just this place-- it's the serum. The roses."

I sat up. He rested his head on my shoulder, letting the air escape from his lungs, long and slow.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here," I said, kissing his temple.

"I am too."

I knew just like that-- he was sorry he took the serum. He felt lost. All that I feared was coming true.

"It's horrible," he sighed. "I don't know how you did it. You had your own hell. I don't know why I'm complaining. I'm being irrational. It's just--"

He snuggled in closer; I took his hand and gave it a squeeze of reassurance as much for myself as for him.

"You're not being irrational," I said. "This is real. We were both told how hard being immortal would be for you. Lancaster told us, Glenda, and Peter. Then to change universes on top of it all."

He stared down watching as his thumb caressed my hand. Warm, confused thoughts poured out from him into me.

"When I touch you like that, I see inside you," he confessed. "Sometimes I see things I don't want to see."

"Like what?"

He swallowed.

"How afraid you are."

He knew; I was afraid. Afraid of losing him most of all.

"I see into you too. Not all of it's good-- but most of it is."

"Like how much I enjoyed burying Shackleton?" he admitted. "No so good, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I hate him. I've never felt that before-- to hate someone so much you want them dead. It's not just about Shackleton, some crazy thoughts have gone through my head since I took the serum."

I hurt feeling how alone and distraught he was just one day ago-- to the point of despair.

"I don't blame you for that. You're being protective. What I see most of all in you is this incredible light."

"Sometimes I don't feel so light. I do and say dark things-- I don't even feel like it's me saying them sometimes." He bit the inside of his cheek and studied our hands closer.

Sid's hand began to tremble, and he loosened his grasp a bit. I clenched his hand tighter in return.

"I thought I was going insane. I even told the other Wes that I hated him."

"What happened?" I asked.

"It was stupid. All he did was sing to me."

"You told him you hated him because he sang to you?"

"Yeah. Thinking back, I realize that part of it was he was singing to me, and it wasn't you... I told him to shut up, and he wouldn't. He kept singing."

"Sounds like me."

I tugged at his hair.

"Yeah, that's just it. He was trying to be you. I guess from going from one universe to the next, he was getting pretty good at his filling the role of Wes-- universe number twenty-six and counting or whatever the fuck it was."

"Must suck, going from one universe to another slipping into other people's lives."

"Yeah, well, seems it was his choice. I wasn't as concerned about him as I was for you and where he left you."

"With Shackleton? Not like he did that intentionally."

"Of course he did. He wanted out of there. He got out. Can't blame him. At least he did the right thing by going back."

"Sometimes I wonder if we really have a choice in all this-- I mean the other Wes probably believed I had some responsibility for sending him back-- even if it was pressure from you. I mean, did he feel helpless against the pull to switch universes? He did it so often. Makes me wonder. Sure he figured Lancaster would find me on that beach and dig me up, but that was a risk. I mean, I could still be there in some other universe-- some other version of me. Think of it. He had to be thinking of more than himself--"

"I knew he loved me. At least he said he did."

"Which one of you? Christ!"

"I don't know if it mattered. I know he never acted on it though. Not until the last universe. I like to believe that's the real reason he took the risk to go back."

"You know, we seem to make a decision to jump to another world-- conscious or not, but I don't know. It might be who ever pulls the strings wants it to seem like we have control-- but we really don't. We're just part of a grand design. When we did it on the beach, it wasn't planned-- but the circumstances were perfect. Too perfect. I wonder. We both wanted out. It happened. Now you're here-- I'm here. Shit. Do we control our destiny or not?"

"I want to believe we do. I'm hoping you can."

"If we could go back and have you not take the serum, would you?"

"That's not an option."

"That's not an answer."

"Let's not talk about what we can't change. It won't solve anything."

He kissed my shoulder, then rested his head on the same spot.

"You're right," I said. "I love you." I put my arm around his shoulders and squeezed. We left my promise unsaid."I missed this most-- having you to confide in... to lean on."

"I missed this too. It's easier with you here. It's this whole not feeling pain. You'd think it'd be convenient," he said. "It makes for some unforeseen problems. The band was waylaid in this hotel in Cleveland, and I cut myself shaving. I didn't realize it when answered the door. The maid took one look at me and ran screaming down the hallway."

I coughed into my hand, laughing.

"Touch is just not the same without pain. I know now what Peter meant and understand why he acted recklessly. You want to feel it. You don't feel much pressure. No pain. You want what you don't have."

"But you do feel when I pinch you?"

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"And pressure when I touch you..."

"Yeah."

"Like this?"

"Yeah."

"And this?"

"Yeah."

"How about this..."

"Hell, yeah."

"Um-m," I said. "I think that's the door."

"Huh? What?"

"The door... I think the waffles you thought I needed are finally here..."

"Fuck the waffles."

"No, I'm hungry now."

"Fuck."

"I need sustenance. Your fault; you had to order. I'll duck into the bathroom. I wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea. You know-- like there was something going on between us."

I raced in there and stuck my head out the bathroom door, seeing one hot horny man shrugging on his robe and dragging his feet to greet room service.

"Think strawberries and whip cream," I whispered, "and the one-hundred and one ways I can use them..."

I shut the door hearing him mutter, "Fuck" and I smiled to myself.

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"It's mine, not yours," I said.

"But it's good."

"Um-m, then you should have ordered this, not an omelet and toast. At least you should use a fork."

"It tastes better in your mouth not mine."

"Gross."

"Not gross. Come here."

"You should be full by now."

He pushed me down on the bed and clamped his mouth over mine. Personally, I kinda liked sharing this way. Feeling his cock rigid against mine encouraged my generosity.

I came up for air. And caffeine.

"Need more coffee."

He pulled me back down this time pinning me to the mattress.

"Need more Wes," he demanded.

He bit my neck, and I purred. So much for playing hard to get. Time to switch. I pushed him off and onto his back, straddling him.

"Isn't this an interesting turn of events?" he asked, the corner of his upper lip twitching

"Yeah," I said, grinding my hips into him. "And I know exactly what I should do about it."

He was easy to slip open. After ceremoniously coating my fingers with Land O' the Lakes butter, I took my time inching them into him. His gratifying moans and muscles spasms were incredibly rewarding. Then I turned my attention on myself...

"I can't stand it! Stop lathering the butter on your dick and shove it up my ass you sick bastard."

I had wanted to put some whip cream on his cock and lick it off every incredible inch, but unfortunately, that was all gone-- just a few strawberries and a couple of bites of waffle. So I therefore decided to follow his directions and not to wait.

I pulled one of his legs over my shoulder and pressed the other up into my chest.

Interesting angle.

I hesitated.

"What are you waiting for?" he asked, jutting his hips up so that his cock bounced up and down on that nice hard stomach of his. Well, I kinda wanted this to last, but I guess he wanted a quicky. I knew he wasn't used to being on the receiving end, so to speak. Not like he was going to be sore after...

I was a bit out of practice so, I encouraged Sid to help me. I placed his hand firmly on my cock and had him help me guide it into his waiting ass.