Faith, Hope and Pure Pigheadedness

When it lights I have to fight to not snatch it from her and drag half of it to ash in one long toke.

After a moment I see her eyes flutter.

"Damn...this is some strange shit." She says after a second.

Puff after puff I let her finish the wet.

That I can slowly stitch her up without so much as a whimper tells me that my money weeks ago was well spent.

As I sew I can't help but look at her bare breast and the incredibly dark nipple that sits far to low on it. I remember how she looked years ago when I first saw her. She was much bigger breasted then. Time has taken a lot from her.

The street had taken more, I think as I look at the mass of bruising.

"Like the view?" she asks me softly. "Hey no boxing the booby!" she says when my hand brushed her breast as I pull the stitch tight.

I smile and continue my sewing. I have to make my mind go to a place where the blood is just another liquid, the skin just fabric. The woman just a thing.

Pausing I take a deep breath as I tie off the last knot. I pull the disposable razor from the bag and use it's edge to slice the dental floss.

She gives the stitches a curious look. I have to stop her from poking it.

"Lets get you to bed." I say softly as I pull her shirt back down over the padded bandage I made from paper-towels.

She gives a cackle of a laugh.

"I knew you were just a man. One little look at my tits and your already tying to get me in bed."

I smile.

"Come on, Lorena." I go to pull on her arm to help her to her feet.

It takes me more than a few minutes to convince her that I want her to just lay down not to get naked and fuck. When she finally comes to understand I honestly think she's a bit disappointed. I watch her snuggle down in her pile of old scrap clothes and donated blankets.

"Why are you trying so hard to help me, Mr. Helper?" she asks softly.

I sit down just under the edge of her shanty.

"Because you need help." I tell her as I take her hand.

She looks at my fingers curiously like she has no idea what they are.

"But I don't want it."

"That's why you need it the most." I say with a smile.

"You're one pig headed fucker."

I nod.

"I wish I knew why..." her words trail off as she drifts off to sleep.

Looking down at her sleepy face the years roll back to the summer of 1997, sixteen years. To part of me it feels just like yesterday. To he rest it's a lifetime ago.

Lifting my hand to her face I brush back the dark hair. I see the strands of gray where once was a black so dark it looked blue. I caress her cheek, now bruised and battered, where once smiles had hung from. Flirty smiles directed at much younger man...from a much less world-damaged woman.

"She sure is a looker hu Kid? You got a hundred buck you can do a lot more than look."

With that voice echoing up from memory I get up and go to my box. I shiver as I crawl into the smelly blankets. The nights are getting so very cold. Winter is coming on.

What the hour of the night is I do not know. I'm awaken by the silence. Looking out I see it's source. The first flakes of winter do not know that is still Fall. They care not that Halloween has just past and that Thanksgiving is still a week and a half away.

They simply fall. I drift back to sleep watching it.

A crunching of snow partially wakes me but the cold wet snowball that hits the top of my head does the rest!

As I struggle to get up a second one comes raining in.

Rolling up I see Lorena grinning at me. A true grin of joy as she send a third snowball into the box.

Covered in the wet white I scramble out and give chase when she takes off running. I scoop up enough snow to pack and send one into the back of her head just as she tries to turn the corner.

"Damn it!"she yells.

Laughing I round the corner and catch a face full of powder.

I look through snow covered lashes to see her running off down the street holding onto the side I stitched up last night.

Smiling I look around.

The city looks newborn. It's grungyness covered in a soft white blanket.

A sudden shiver tells me that it is far less warm than a blanket though. Going back to the box I pull out my bedding and give it a shake. The snow flies out to disappear into the powered underfoot. A layer of dirt and dust joins it to mare the perfection of white.

I look around then and see not the winter wonderland of a few seconds ago but instead a cold world turning harder. I think back to Roy saying that the hardest parts were still to come.

My eyes come to rest on the little shelters we have. Suddenly my shipping box on its pallet covered with a blue tarp doesn't seem like so very....

Very what? Safe? It never has been. Comfortable? Not even close.

"Home?"

My eyes go to her lean-to of pallets and tarps.

"Only because she is near."

Grabbing out one of my blankets I go to try and find some money to get some food. Or find some food.

In whatever way that I have to. My understanding of her is growing apace with the winter.

After that one morning of smiles Lorena is back to her old self again. I try to be nice, to be understanding. The snow melts faster than she does. The wet slushy mess of it soon is covering the street. I notice that the air smells cleaner though. The washing of run-off takes away some of the dirt.

Bruising heals, all be it slowly. I ask once to check her stitches, she laughs and wont let me see them. Says that would cost me at least two bucks.

So I go scrape together two bucks worth of change.

Then, five dollars for some antiseptic ointment. The red blistered look too it scares me but she seems to not care.

Again it snows. Lighter this time. She doesn't wake me with snowballs this time though. She just sits looking out at it sullenly. The cold has us now and the last days of summer are a distant memory.

I sit watching it then get to thinking. I slowly smile and get to my feet. She watches me walk away without caring. It's more than a few miles walk to the shelter but I manage it.

"Simon?"

I must be asked that at least once by every worker there. Most of them know me. I've worked in here more than a few years on these blustery days.

The old man in charge is an ex drill sergeant who can get the most out of a crew no matter what they are.

He knew my father. Served with him in fact. He looks at me then drags me into his office and makes me explain what I'm doing. Like Roy and most I've talked with he thinks I'm a fool. Oh he understands but...

The canvass bag I walk back to our shelter with started it's life carrying shopping for people at Target. Today it carries two Styrofoam plates, plus two loafs of bread and a jar of peanut butter.

My stomach is already stuffed from the turkey and dressing that I was all but force-fed.

Lorena looks up as I walk back into the alley. I don't think she has moved. Sitting down in the front of her shack I pull out one of the plates and hand it to her.

She looks up at me.

"Thanksgiving? Who am I supposed to say thank you too on this year? You? God?" she asks not opening it.

"The dozen people who gave up their holiday to work today giving out food to the homeless at the shelter I got this from would be a good start. They could be home with their families watching the Macy's day parade and football but instead they are handing out over 500 meals today. Most of them donated more than half their pay checks last week to help buy supplies." I hand her the plastic fork and napkin pack. "So yea if you should thank anyone... that would be who."

She looks at the white box. I can see the temptation to throw it at me but at the same time I know she can feel the heat of it through the ragged gloves she's wearing.

I watch her eat slowly at first then she begins to stuff it in as fast as she can. Taking huge bites that threaten to choke her. When that plate is empty I pull out the second. She looks at me with tears at the corner of her eyes.

"This one you can thank me for," I say when she takes it.

Getting up I go to my box and stretch out. The canvass bag a comforting presence next to my hip. It tells me hunger at least won't take me for a few days.

I pick up the little paperback I found in a dumpster.

"That book has no cover. That means it was stolen" she says softly. "You could go to jail for possession of stolen goods."

"At least it would be warmer," I say with a chuckle.

"Yea till the middle of the night when they decided that you were their bitch." She cackles.

I look up at her from the book.

"At least it would be warmer."

Her laughter rings out the alleyway.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

Cold!

The world feels so frozen it would shatter if you taped it with a hammer.

So very cold!

Huddling in my box I try anything to get warm. The layers of clothing, the layers of blankets, the piece of shipping foam I have under me.

Oh dear God the cold!

The cough racks my chest sending red flashes before my eyes. I feel faint for a half-second then another round tears through me.

I clutch at the blankets and try to hold in any heat.

So very...

I double up as my lungs try to hack out what every has then so inflamed.

"Come on Mr. Helper."

That I'm being helped to my feet is something I'm only half aware of as the blankets are pulled off me and the shocking blast of chilled air tears into me. Then I'm under even more blankets. They are warm and carry a different scent about them.

Then mine are piled on top and I shiver.

The coughing buckles me up on myself.

I clutch at the warmth of her next to me when it appears. She draws me in tight to her and holds me as I cough.

"You're sick Mr. Helper. Do you understand me? You have a fever!" She gives me shoulders a shake even as she's rubbing my back. "Mr. Helper?'

"My name is Simon." I manage to croak out of my raspy throat.

Hands brush at my face. They drag through the beard, I've let grow to help stay warm. Through the tangles of my hair grown to a ragged length.

"You're going to die out here!" she screams at me then. "Do you hear me Mr. HELPER? You probably have p-monia! Go home! Go get you help from one of your friends and go home!"

"Not without you." I croak my voice a ragged whisper. That little effort tears huge choking coughs from me.

"Why? Why? WHY!" she shakes me by my jacket. "What the hell am I to you? Some lost soul in need of helping? Some way of redeeming some little wrong you did in your life? I don't want your help! This is my home. This cold hell of a fucking street! This land of pimps and junkies..." tears are pouring from her cheeks. "This is where I belong for what I've done. This hell is my home. Now please save yourself...Simon."

I swallow past the hot fire in my throat and shake my head. I try to draw in a breath to speak but I only cough. When that stops I look up at her. Her face is tracked with tears.

"Who am I to you that you would be willing to die out here in the cold for?" she ask softly.

I manage to lift my hand from under the blanket and brush the salty trails across her cheeks.

"You were my first." I say with a wheeze. "You always fall in love with your first."

The coughing that took to say leaves my head swimming and little lightning bugs dancing across my eyes. My head is pounding as I drift off to sleep.

I awaken to that silence that snow brings. Turning my head I look out the lean-to and see it piling up. When I look back I see her looking at my face.

"I've spent half the night just looking at your face. Trying to remember you. I hate to say that I can't." she reaches down and brushes my hair back out the way. "I've been with so many men that the faces have all kind of blurred together. Sorry. When was it?"

I swallow. Damn.... I hadn't meant to tell her.

"Simon?"

I look up at my name.

"When was it?" she asks softly.

"Just before summer...back in 97... somewhere around May. I was eighteen. I had just cashed my first real paycheck. Came walking out this little cash a check place and stopped. There was the hottest and strangest looking purple car sitting out front. A Plymouth Prowler. I saw it only for a half second then I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life leaning against the door smoking a cigarette. She looked bored as hell. I was far too tongue tied to even think of talking to her so I was about to walk past when a hand came down to rest on my shoulder."

I shift under the blankets.

"Here was this guy dressed to the nines with his hair slicked back till it gleamed. At first I thought I might be about to get my ass kicked for starring at his girl then he smiles at me. His mouth full of gold."

I look at her. She has a half smile on her face as if memories of better times are making her happy.

"He told me that for a hundred dollars you would get naked, let me touch you anyway that I wanted and then give me a blowjob. He said that hell you would even swallow. A hundred bucks? Hell I had three of those in my wallet!"

I see her slowly shaking her head.

"I went to the hotel he pointed to down the street. Paid the man behind the desk the twenty bucks for a room. The nines guy led you in. I was afraid he was going to stay but he just checked out the room then smiled at me. Told you to make sure I had a very good time, then told me that you would be better than any girl I had ever had. I said I had never had any girl."

Lorena starts to chuckle.

"He told you too..." I start to say.

"He told me... to give you the ride of your life." She says with a grin.

"You remember?" I ask surprised.

She shakes her head.

"No, that was what he always did with virgins. It's the same thing as giving your best drugs to a new customer. Gets them hooked with the good stuff then slack off on the quality and tell them it just them getting use to it that they need to up the dose. He said 'Pussy' was the same." She smiles "I did it didn't I? Pulled out all the strings, went the whole young innocent girl just in the trade thing. Had you thinking I was fresh as a summer flower."

I nod.

"I remember that car." She says after a moment. "He wouldn't let me smoke in it. I had already been working for Tee Jay for four years when he got that one. Hell I think I made half the money for it myself." She gives her head a slight shake then she looks me in the eyes. "So you fell in love with me because I was your first?"

"Yes. I was young, hell straight out of high school. I had only ever kissed a girl before. The one time I ever tried to feel one up she slapped me."

Lorena laughs.

"And then there was you." I reach over and brush back her hair. "My god you were so beautiful. I would have given the hundred just to sit there and watch you take off that skirt and top. I would have counted it as money well spent. You were the source of years worth of fantasy nights."

Lorena laughs and shakes her head.

"I was too shy to even touch you. So you took the lead and showed me how to do everything. I never knew that so simple a thing as touch could be so wonderful. You let me just explore your body finding every curve. Again I would have thought it money well spent had it ended then. But oh my god. The feeling of your mouth, then how warm and wet you were when I slipped into you. I could have spent a lifetime just holding you with me inside." I chuckle then. "It was far less than a lifetime, I hate to say. I must have cum in just minutes but you just kissed me and called me a man. You said that it would be wonderful to be with me again someday."

She nods.

"It's all sales pitch. I used it a lot back then to try and lure in more customers." She shrugs. "Some times I meant it. I can't say if I did with you or not. I truly can't remember you. Did I ever get back together with you after that?"

"No. I tried to find you but I found out that you and Tee Jay had left. Come here in fact. I found that out just a little while ago though. The day after I saw you here for the first time." I take a long slow breath. " I didn't recognize you that day. A friend told me who you were and then I could see it."

She chuckles.

"Kind of like having your memories of a steak proven to have been Spam." She smiles and shrugs. "I was beautiful once. I was sexy and had a killer body, but in the end that was as much a curse as if I had been born ugly. I'm a whore Simon. I was a whore when you met me back in 97, I was a whore when you saw me back in the fall. I'm a whore right now. I will be a whore tomorrow and tomorrow after that. The only thing that changes is I get cheaper to fuck"

I try to protest that but she places her hand over my mouth. I watch her swallow.

"Thank you Simon. Thank you for trying to save the beautiful girl from your memories. It was worth the attempt...but you need to let her go. She died a long time ago. This is just a hollow shell of that girl. So I'm begging you...Simon...I'm begging you to please just go. Go get help, get yourself off these streets while you still can. Stop trying to say a girl that drugs and the street killed a long time ago."

I catch the back of her head. I pull her to me till out foreheads meet.

"Lorena.... I'm not trying to save her. I know that she is gone. She lives only in my memories now. I'm here for you. For the woman that life has kicked so many times that she no longer cares where the boots land. I will not leave you here in this cold to die. I will sit here and shiver next to you till the spring comes. Then I will be here with you all the way through summer and into the fall and then into next winter. I will be here year after year till I get you to let me help you."

"Why? Why Simon? Why?" she asks.

"Because you threw snow balls at me. I saw the laughing smiling woman that you could be then. I loved the sexy woman from my youth. I used memories of her as my fantasy for years to get me off. Her I would cross the street to help. Her I would empty my wallet to help. For her sake I would do a lot..." I look up at the falling snow. "But I would not endue this for her."

"Not for her?" Lorena asks me softly.

"No." I shake my head. "But I will for you."

She goes quiet then. I open my arms and feel her snuggle into them. I hold her to me and then hold her tighter when she starts to cry.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

I awaken feeling warm. I open my eyes and look out under the cloth flap at the piles of snow. The world is so buried in it that the little shanty has gotten a good insulator around it. Between that and the warm of us under the blankets it's comfortable.

She stirs and turns to look at me. She slips herself around till she's pressed up against my chest. I gently brush her hair.

Slowly she looks up at me. I see the tears starting to form at the corners of her eyes.

"Simon."

"Yes Lorena?"

She takes a deep breath.

"I'm going to do something but I need your help," she sniffles. "I'm going to jump up... just as high as I can. Please catch me!"

I pull her to me then. I feel my eyes flood with tears as she clings to me.

"Catch me please Simon! Please."

"I have you. I have you and I'm never letting go," I say as I start to rock her.

"Please don't let me go. Hold as tight as you can. I may slip, I may even try to fall... I know I will. But please don't let me go," she begs softly.

"I never will."

Looking out into the snow I hold tight to her. I know that it will be a long cold walk to the shelter. I will have to call in dozens of past favors to get us off the streets. I will have to put old job skills back to work. It will be a struggle up hill all the way. As I feel the longings for the drug gnawing inside me... I know it will. But we will make it. We will...because of one little thing.

"I never will let go."