Falling

I reminded myself that I sucked with reading people, and I was tired. I was reading into this what I wanted to hear... I had to be!

She purred again, her voice a whisper in the darkness, "I've thought about it with you." She leaned into me, this time it seemed like it was a little more sensual.

"What?" My voice was entirely too loud in my surprise. I saw some heads turn ahead of me in the bus.

"Shhhhh!" She hissed at me.

"Sorry" I replied, properly chagrined. My mind was racing. Why was she doing this? Why now?! What the hell was going on?

"So, what's the deal with you and that Jacky girl?"

'Aha!' I thought to myself, the tumblers started to fall into place. This was not a genuine interest in me, this was just the petty, 'I'll have him for myself!' game.

"Is that your business?" I asked her curtly.

She stiffened next to me. "Not really. It just seems like you and her are a thing. I was curious to see if you were available."

Something didn't add up here. She was acting weird. Karly was so confident, always that type of girl that seemed so sure of herself. There was a lot of that here, but it also seemed like there was a note of lost confidence in her voice. Like she was asking a question that she didn't really want to hear the answer to. She pressed on, "She just doesn't seem like your type."

I tried to look at her and read her expression, but it was too dark. What was her game? "Again," I emphasized each word, "Is. That. Your. Business?" She pulled back from me. I missed her comforting presence almost immediately. There was something very comforting about her being there pressed against me. I was shocked at how much that bothered me.

She spoke hesitantly, "No, it isn't. I was just curious. I mean," she paused hesitantly, "I always wondered why you never made a pass at me. I didn't think I could have made it more obvious I was interested, and I've seen you staring at me." She hesitated again, "I mean you think you're clever... like you're doing it on the sly, but we have four classes together and have had four classes together for years. Your eyes are crawling over my ass for pretty much the entire day. Even though you're with this chick now I still feel your eyes on me, only now you look guilty."

I still couldn't wrap my head around what she was saying. Karly was smoking hot. Every guy in the room had his eyes all over her. How did she know I had my eyes on her, or that I felt guilty for staring at her? 'Because she likes you dolt!' I thought to myself, 'She was looking to see if you were looking!'

"Look, I wouldn't say you couldn't have been more obvious, I mean now, now you're being pretty obvious, but a few measured glances? Not obvious. Also, aren't you with Mike?" I asked her carefully. Now a part of me didn't want to hear the answer. Mike was the guy that she had seen for the last couple of years. He was a year older than us. I was on the football team with him. He was one of those big, bullying asshole types and walked around like he owned the place. He and I didn't get along. We almost came to blows a few times, though that had dropped off sharply in the last year with my new body and new attitude; had Mike fucked with me last year I would have done everything in my power to crush his face, and only part of that was my jealously over him being with Karly when I wasn't.

She leaned back into me, put her knees up on the seat and hugged herself. "He moved; went off to the University. Found himself some nice college pussy and now he doesn't have time for me anymore." I could tell that hurt her a lot to admit and realized that I shouldn't have pressed her on the issue. She was a big girl and she could make her own decisions about who she chose to spend her time with. It was then that I realized I asked to make sure I wasn't a fling and that she was really interested in me...

I understood now. She was alone. Like me. She'd been with someone so long she didn't know how to flirt with a new guy, how to get his attention. My heart broke a little bit for her right then. Her confidence was smashed. She wanted to see herself as strong and independent. Wanted to see herself as someone that came straight to the point and said what was on her mind. This whole conversation was about gaining that power back for herself and going after what she wanted.

That attitude really pissed me off right now.

What offended me most the presumption.

"What is it with you girls? You see a shiny toy every day and you're not interested. As soon as someone else picks it up though, you have to have it for yourself!" I was quiet, but intense in how I delivered my little speech. "We've been in school together, hell, had half a day's worth of classes together for four years, and nothing but a coy smile from you. Now that someone else is in my life, suddenly you want to speak up. You want to know why I'm with Jacky? Because she had time for me! While all the rest of you girls were looking down your nose at me because I wasn't cool enough, or athletic enough, or didn't have nice enough clothes or whatever the hell else people like you care about." I was shocked at how angry I had become, how angry I was at her for not noticing me before, for not saying something earlier.

She didn't pull away from me, which shocked me considering what I'd just said to her. In fact I was already cursing myself for a fool thinking she was going to get up and stomp off.

She just sat there quietly for a second. "That's not fair." She finally said. "I'm not that person. I've never been that person. Yes. I've not been the girl that threw herself at you, but I was always nice to you. I always liked you. You were funny, and intense and smart. I never made fun of you. I never put you down. Hell, I defended you to the people that did!"

God, she was right! I remembered then one time when I was a sophomore. Mike decided to lay into me and I just took it. It wasn't until the next year when I got tired of the crap and started to fight back. I remember Karly telling him to leave me alone.

I remembered her storming off when he didn't. What I most likely didn't see was the fight that broiled out of it. She continued talking, a note of tease in her voice, "Besides, you're not that shiny!"

'Wow! I really like this girl!' I thought to myself.

Time to eat some crow, "Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. I projected my insecurities onto you, and that wasn't fair." I stopped and tried to glance over at her to see if she accepted my apology. I very much wanted her to. I hoped I hadn't ruined my chances with her because of my insecurities and the baggage I carried. I smiled and added, "And I am very shiny! I saw you checking me out today!"

She snuggled closer into me. I wanted very much to put my arm around her right then, but I couldn't. While Jacky and I hadn't been official, we had been dating, and while we hadn't made a commitment to each other it wasn't right to have my hands all over this girl while I was dating another.

'This is who I am now' I thought to myself.

She whispered to me. "I just wanted to know. I wanted to know why you chose some bubblehead over me."

I was a little offended by her calling Jacky a bubblehead, but I squashed that down. No sense in making her angry again. I wanted her to understand, hell, I wanted to understand, "I don't know. It just happened. She had time for me. She made it easy. She just let me know she was interested in me, and I just went with the flow, and now, well now, here I am. I've been alone for a very long time. I've always felt like someone standing on the outside looking in." I turned my emotions over in my mind and tried to examine them from every angle, "It used to bother me, and then one day it just stopped. I stopped feeling anything but angry. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I just want someone to care." The air just sort of went out of me. Was that all it was? Was that all she was to me? Did I care about her, or did I just want to not be alone anymore?

'Or did you just want to get your dick wet?' the cynical voice inside me asked...

I wanted to rail against that, but I just didn't have the energy anymore.

"Are you fucking her?" Karly's voice was odd... cold and near emotionless.

I looked over at her with an 'are you kidding me?' look on my face. "We're not going to talk about that for certain..."

Karly looked deep into my eyes and I lost myself in them for a second. I thought she was going to be pissed about me telling her no, but she just seemed to be a little more impressed. "You're a lot deeper than I thought you were..." she hit me with her elbow, "I always was impressed with you, but now you're making a girl crush a bit over here!"

I wanted to keep talking to her. I wanted to tell her that I was interested in her too... but I was also scared that I was crossing a line... both with Jacky and with Karly. "I'm tired." I told Karly. "It's been a long day... I'm going back to sleep now." I felt her stiffen again, and she started to move away. I felt wrung out. Yes, I was tired, but mostly I just felt alone. "Wait." My voice surprised me... "Stay. Stay with me? I don't want to be alone right now."

She pushed herself back against me. "On one condition. Share your blanket with me?"

I laughed in spite of myself. "I've got one better for you." I held my blanket up for her and she crawled in with me. I put my arm around her and she snuggled in tighter to me. Some voice in the back of my head told me that I shouldn't be holding her... but I just didn't care anymore. She felt good and she chased away the bad thoughts in my mind. I was tired of listening to them...

I woke when the bus finally came to a stop at the school. My face was pressed against the top of Karly's head and the smell of her shampoo seemed like it infused every part of me. 'God she smells so good!' I thought to myself. We were both groggy from just falling asleep and were tangled together from sleeping. I realized then, she had her hand on my crotch, and I was... very... excited about it. Her hand suddenly slid up... I tried very hard to move away from her but I think she noticed all the same.

I just had time for the thought to form and she sat up and stretched. I always thought Jacky stretched like a cat... Karly stretched like a wolf. Powerful and sexy. God I wanted to kiss her...

"Hey, get up sleepyhead!" Joe's voice surprised me. Then the lights were on and I couldn't see. And once my eyes finally adjusted to light I could see the surprise on his face. "Uh, yeah... hey Karly."

Karly just stood up and grabbed her stuff. "Hey Joe! Take good care of him! He was great!" She had a weird smirk on her face she looked at me and winked. 'Fuck! That was sexy as hell!' I thought to myself.

And like that, she was gone. Leaving me with only the fading scent of her shampoo trapped in my nose. Joe leaned in close, "What are doing man!? What about Jacky? You went out with her last night and then you just fuck Karly in the back of the tourney bus?"

'Wait... what?' The thought just pushed its way into the forefront of my mind. "What the hell are you talking about? I didn't 'fuck' Karly! We just talked for a bit and then fell asleep! Sheesh!" I grabbed my stuff quickly, wrapping everything up in my blanket. I was starting to get angry with him.

"Dude, seriously?" He called out to me. "You want a ride home or not? Cause if you do, you need to stop and talk to me."

Just about that point, I got next to Karly as she was grabbing her stuff from her seat. She turned and looked at me, "No problem, I'll give you a ride!"

I stopped short, embarrassed. "Uhhh... I live all the way across town. It's going to take a while to get there."

She smiled, "No problem, I have a friend that lives over that way and I was going over there anyway!"

I looked back at Joe who looked very uneasy. Finally he spoke up... "Uh... I think that's a bad idea."

I was getting annoyed with Joe now. This was ridiculous. This really wasn't a big deal. He was worrying way too much about me and Karly and it was really none of his business.

I sighed loudly, "Joe, it's cool. She's headed that way anyway. It's like 11 at night and everything's covered in snow. You don't need to waste time going all the way across town!"

Coach spoke up then. "Look kids, I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here! Everyone off the bus!" I was shocked to see that we were the last three on the bus.

I looked at Joe, "It's cool, and I got this, trust me."

Just like that I was off the bus and headed to Karly's car.

Before I got there I looked back and saw Joe standing in front of the bus, silhouetted in the headlights of the bus, just staring at me... like some vision of a prophetic future...

I got in the car and told myself that I was being stupid...

Karly started the car up and pulled out of the spot she was parked in entirely too fast. The rear wheels skidded out, she swung the car around and quickly pulled out of the parking lot. When we finally hit the street out front I was starting to seriously begin to worry that she was trying to kill us both in a murder-suicide designed to look like an accident.

I finally spoke up, "Uh... I appreciate the ride and everything, but would also like to arrive at my destination alive." She looked at me and smiled.

She reached over and opened the center console, pulling something out.

She starting fiddling with whatever it was and said, "Sorry. I've been dying for a smoke for hours now! I just wanted to get on the road so I could have one!"

It was then that I realized what she had in her hand, cigarettes! I thought she was one of those good girls! Good girls don't smoke! "You smoke?" I managed to stammer out.

She looked at me funny, "You knew I smoked, you saw me last year at that party and I was standing outside smoking!"

I realized then that she was right. I remembered looking at her and watching her. Standing there with a couple of her friends... I thought how sexy she looked standing there. I had always had a thing for girls who smoked. I had wanted so badly to go over to her and tell her she looked great that night.

She kept looking at me, "So, do you mind if I have one? I'm dying for one here?"

I was still shocked, "Where do you even get cigarettes?" I asked her.

She looked at me like I was stupid. "I buy them. I'm 18. I turned 18 a month ago! In fact..." she paused, thinking, "the only reason I'm in your class and not the one ahead of you was that my birthday was two weeks after the cutoff!"

"Well excuse me! It wasn't like I was invited to the birthday party or anything!" Man, I really wished she had invited me to that party!

"Well, can I have one? Do you mind?" She asked me shyly.

That shook me out of my trance. "Oh, yeah, it's fine. Both of my parents smoke so I'm kind of used to it."

She slowly took one from the pack and lit it, taking a deep puff from that first drag. She rolled her window down a crack and exhaled the smoke out the window. 'Holy shit that's sexy!' I thought as I watched her smoke. She noticed me watching her and started flipping her attention between me, the road and her cigarette. Finally, she broke the silence, "What? Do you want me to put it out?"

I was suddenly embarrassed again, "No, it's just..." I fumbled to put it in a way that wouldn't make me sound like a weirdo, "I always thought girls who smoke were sexy. Something about it that just gets me going." I must have been more tired than I had figured.

Mission failed, I sounded like a weirdo...

She took another long drag from it and smiled at me. "Does your Jacky smoke?" she asked me as she exhaled, pushing the smoke towards the window.

I looked out the window, watching the snow fall, the lights pass. I was quiet for a while. "No." I finally answered her. I was starting to realize how far behind me Jacky was. How far behind everyone I knew she was.

"Well that's strike three..." Karly said, her voice like a dusky whisper. I didn't know if she was talking to me or to herself.

I turned back to her. Her face lit by the instrument panel. 'God she's beautiful' I thought to myself. I recoiled a bit at the thought but couldn't help myself. "Strike three?"

Karly looked at me and smiled. A pure smile that lit up her pretty face far more than the lights of the instrument panel ever could have. She pushed her cigarette out the window and rolled it up, cutting off the cold air rushing into the car. Her smile faded to just an uptick of her lip on one side of her face. "Strike one. She's a bubblehead. I've seen her, she's dumb as a post. You're smart as hell. She's sexy, but dumb is going to get old really fast." Karly was right. Jacky was not the smartest person in the world. I often found myself having to explain stuff to her that I felt was basic...

Karly continued, "Strike two, she's immature. You're three years older than her. That may not seem like a lot, but trust me, I've dated an older guy, and even a small difference in ages is going to mean a lot. In a few months you're going to be going to college, she's going to be talking about going to prom, or a high school dance. Again, that's going to get old really fast."

Again, Karly had pinned it down correctly. It wasn't so much that Jacky was stupid, it was that she was both not smart, and uneducated. We didn't see things on the same level and that was getting really old.

Karly pressed her last advantage, "And strike three, she doesn't smoke, which you find sexy. I like my chances."

I shook my head. Maybe I was just too tired to keep pace with what she was talking about. Her mind jumped around like mine did, never staying on the same topic for more than a few seconds. I had never been around someone who thought the way I did. I saw how frustrating it could be... "What are you talking about?" I finally asked her when I realized I wasn't going to add everything up.

"You and me." Duh. I knew that. What did Jacky have to do with that? And also, there was no Karly and me... I just didn't have the heart to tell her that.

"You and me?" I asked her.

"I've been thinking about it." We were getting close to my house. I wished she would take a wrong turn. I wanted to stay here longer with her... "I want you. I want you to myself." She looked at me and even in the dark I imagined I could see those perfect green eyes. I wanted to brush the hair from her face. To lay kisses down the side of her neck. To feel the warmth of her beneath me as I surged into her...

'Stop it!' my brain called out to me and I forced my mind away from that.

"I want you and I'm not going to take no for an answer." She looked at me with a directness that startled me a bit. 'This is how a deer feels as the wolf drags it to the ground.' I thought in a panic...

I felt the sense of inevitability settle down over me. It seemed certain.

Like I was being drowned, like being pulled into a dark abyss; water filling my lungs; I fight upward but ice has covered the hole and I can't find air...

"I want you to myself, and I'm not giving up." She looked directly into my eyes. A part of me wanted to scream at her to keep her eyes on the icy road but she had me locked into that stare, her soul mixing with mine...

Her gaze finally turned back to the icy road. "So what do I have to do? What do I have to do to make you mine?" her voice was suddenly very fragile.

A voice in my head warned me that saying the wrong thing would shatter her right now. She was plunging into the icy depths right next to me, maybe coming after me... this was a moment that would change the person she was forever if I answered wrong.

I thought about it. What did she have to do? 'Not much' I admitted to myself. One day, hell not even one day with her and I was close to forgetting everything I felt about Jacky. Everything that I was so sure of when I got out of bed, blown away like one of those buildings you see in an atom bomb test. Just torn away to the foundations like ashes in the wind.