This is the most difficult letter I’ve ever written. I only wish I had the strength to tell you what I am about to say in person, but I don’t have that kind of courage. That’s why this letter is wrapped around a video cassette. A picture is worth a thousand words.
Before you put the cassette in your VCR, let me try to prepare you for what you are about to see. The woman who will be speaking to you in a few seconds is me.
I didn’t want this to happen, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to overcome the impulses that have led me beyond the point of no return. I have to choose between living a lie and being true to myself. Living the lie would be so much easier on everybody but me. I suppose what I am about to do is selfish, but I have only one life to live, and I am going to live it as a woman.
You have been my lover, and now I hope that you will be my friend. All my love,
Kit was in a state of shock as she crumpled up the letter and put the tape into her VCR. With shaking hands, she fumbled with the remote until the set came on. Her jaw dropped as she stared at the image on her television screen, and she collapsed onto the sofa as the tape played on.
“Hello, Kit,” said the nice-looking girl staring into the camera. She was perched on the same sofa where Kit now sat, her dress pulled primly down over her knees. Her voice was husky, but with a feminine lilt to it that betrayed nothing. She appeared to be extremely nervous as she brushed a stray hair away from her familiar face with a delicate gesture.
Familiar, yes, but so utterly different! Chris’s blue eyes were now framed by long lashes and arched brows, and his cheeks and lips had a rosy glow. His long hair was styled into a perky shag, and the hands folded in the lap of his dress had polished nails.
Her dress, Kit corrected herself as she stared at the screen. The person looking back at her was a total stranger now. How could Chris have kept this from her? For over a year, as they progressed from casual acquaintances to friends and finally to lovers, he had given no inkling of his secret life. How could she have been so blind?
Kit stared, mesmerized, as Chris spoke into the camera. “I won’t blame you if you hate me for hiding this from you. Before I met you, I used to dress up nights and weekends. I’ve been doing this since I got out of school. Even before then, I used to fantasize about being a girl, ever since I snuck into my mother’s closet and tried on some of her clothes when I was a kid. It used to turn me on, and even now I still get a rush from it, but that’s not the reason I’m doing this now.”
The girl sat back on the sofa and crossed her silky legs. “When we started going out, I forgot all about Chrissy, and I really thought that you had cured me somehow. But more and more, I’ve found myself longing to become her again, and not just part time, but for keeps. I would have done this sooner if it weren’t for the way I knew it would make you feel. Even if this hurts you now, it’s better that you know about me so you can get on with your life. Goodbye, Kit. I’ll always love you.”
Kit stared at the blank screen as tears rolled down her cheeks. She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there when she heard a knock on the door. Like a zombie, she got up from the sofa and walked across the room. When she opened the door, she got her second shock of the day. Standing in front of her, wearing the same dress she wore when she made the videotape, was Chris.
“I’m sorry I didn’t have the balls to tell you in person, but I guess that’s part of the problem,” she said with a rueful smile. “Do you mind if I come in?” Before Kit could answer, Chris stepped inside and closed the door.
Kit’s hurt and confusion were released in a sudden explosion. “You bastard!” she cried. “How could you do this?” She was shaking uncontrollably when Chris took her into her arms, and despite herself, she hugged Chris back as she sobbed. “I loved you! Why are you doing this to me?”
Chris led her over to the sofa and sat down beside her. “Kit, this isn’t about you,” she said softly. “If you weren’t such an amazing girl, I never would have been able to give up being Chrissy, if only for a little while. You made a man out of me, and I’ll always be grateful for that.”
“Then why do this to yourself? Think about what you’re giving up.”
“Believe me, I know what I’m giving up, and what I’m going to get in return. It’s worth it to me.”
“What’s so great about being a woman, anyway?” she sniffed.
“If you only knew how many times I looked at you and dreamed that I could be you.”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe I’d want to trade places with you? You’ve been so caught up in your own fantasies, I’ll bet that never even occurred to you.”
“You mean you like me this way?”
Kit stood up and towered over Chrissy, her voice deep and commanding. “This isn’t about you. Somebody has to wear the pants around here. Help me change, and I’ll show you what it’s like to be treated like a lady. And when we get home, I’ll make a woman out of you.”
Kit took Chrissy by the hand and led her into the bedroom which they used to share. She discovered that all of Chris’s clothes were piled up in boxes on the floor.
“I just came back to pick up my stuff,” Chrissy explained. “I never expected you to…”
Kit cut her off. “The trouble with you, Missy, is that you’re too wrapped up in yourself. You never even thought about how I might feel about your little secret. Well, there are two people in this relationship, and one of them loves you too much to let you get away. Even if that requires some drastic changes on my part.”
“I can’t ask you to do that, Kit.”
“Dammit! You’re not doing the asking! I’m doing the telling! Now make yourself useful by finding me some clothes that will fit me,” she said, pointing to the boxes on the floor. “A turtleneck and some khakis, for starters. And that pair of brown loafers I used to dig on you. Oh, and don’t forget some underwear and sox.”
Chrissy pressed her knees together as she crouched down in her dress and heels and began to sift through her old clothing. She found what she was looking for, and when she looked up, Kit’s face was flushed with excitement. “If I didn’t know better, I could swear that this was turning you on,” she said.
“You’re damn right it’s turning me on,” Kit said as Chrissy stood up and handed over her old things. “I’ve always wanted to be a boy, ever since I was a little girl. I can’t believe you’re going to give up being a guy and put up with everything that comes with being a woman, but if you wanna trade places, let’s go for it!” In her heels, Chrissy was slightly taller than Kit, who reached up and kissed her hard on the mouth. Chrissy felt herself becoming aroused as Kit slid her hands around her waist and squeezed her butt. Kit sensed it too, and she broke off the clinch. “Later,” she said.
* * *
An hour later, Kit sat anxiously with a towel draped around her shoulders while Chrissy put the finishing touches on her haircut. “I better not look like a pansy,” she said when Chrissy stepped back to admire her handiwork.
“I don’t go out with pansies,” Chrissy replied as she pointed Kit towards the mirror on the back of her closet door. Kit got out of the chair and walked over to the closet. Her look of apprehension changed to a broad smile when she surveyed herself in the mirror.
“Is that really me?” she asked as Chrissy moved next to her.
Looking willowy in her dress, heels and stockings, Chrissy nodded as she took the arm of the handsome young man standing next to her. With naturally broad shoulders, taped breasts and slim hips, Kit had a gleam in his eye as he said over and over to himself, “I’m a guy.”
“You’re my guy,” Chrissy said as she kissed Kit on the cheek. “Now, what was that you said about treating me like a lady?”
Without a word, Kit removed his wallet from his purse and stuffed it into a back pocket. Chrissy fell in behind him as they headed for the door. It took Chrissy a moment to realize that Kit was holding it open for her.
They rode in silence down the elevator, each lost in thought. I can’t believe I let her cut off all my hair, Kit said to himself. I can’t believe she’s – I mean he’s – really doing this, Chrissy thought. God, she looks hot, Kit thought as he stared at Chrissy’s legs. I’d swear he was staring at my legs, Chrissy said to herself.
Another door, another awkward moment, and they emerged onto the crowded sidewalk. Chrissy took Kit’s arm and they strolled side by side, with no destination in particular, drawing admiring glances from the passersby. “Hungry?” Kit asked when they approached a little Italian restaurant that used to be their favorite.
“Famished,” Chrissy said. “Let’s see if Mario recognizes us.
Mario didn’t, and they had a delightful dinner as they slowly got to know each other all over again. Over pasta and wine, Chrissy recounted her tortured youth as a young woman trapped in a man’s body. She cried when she told Kit how grateful she was for the pure joy she experienced when they made love, even though she knew deep in her heart that the feelings were fleeting.
Kit squeezed her thigh and told her it was okay. Then he confided in her about his own sexual ambivalence as he grew into a young woman. There was something gentle and unthreatening about Chris that had drawn Kit to him. As they bared their souls, they realized something that both had sensed all along. Birds of a feather, they had found their soul mates.
Maybe it was the wine, but Kit kept sliding his hand up Chrissy’s skirt. He was surprised when Chrissy pressed it against her aching penis, and she shuddered as she whispered in his ear, “What was that you said about making a woman out of me?” Kit was speechless for a few seconds before he realized that she was waiting for him to ask for the check.
Their hearts were racing as they walked back to their apartment. They were no sooner inside when their hands started tearing at each others’ clothes, at once familiar and unfamiliar, and they started to undress each other on their way to the bedroom. Slowly, lovingly, Kit caressed Chrissy’s smooth legs as he eased off her stockings, and then he rolled her onto her stomach and pulled her panties down to her knees. When she heard Kit reach into the nightstand for the vibrator, Chrissy closed her eyes in sweet anticipation.
Before the night was over, Chrissy had her womanhood, and Kit had a plan.
* * *
Kit woke up first the next morning, his body entwined with Chrissy’s, just like always. The only thing different about them was their hair, Kit mused as he played with Chrissy’s tangled shag. For the first time in memory, Kit looked forward to not having to shampoo, condition and style his own hair. Freedom!
Chrissy rolled over and smiled. Kit took one look at her face, and started to giggle. “What’s wrong?” Chrissy asked.
Kit ran a finger playfully over the stubble on Chrissy’s chin. “My baby needs a shave,” he said.
“Nothing that a little hormone therapy can’t take care of,” Chrissy said as she tweaked a nipple on one of Kit’s breasts. Kit moaned, and when he reached down for Chrissy’s penis, it jumped at his touch. “Let’s do it the old fashioned way, for old time’s sake,” Chrissy said as she climbed on top of Kit. Time stood still as their bodies rose and fell in unison until they exploded in simultaneous orgasms.
They lay together in silence for a long time. Kit was deep in thought. “Maybe those hormones aren’t such a good idea,” he finally said.
“What do you mean?”
“Think about it. We just had perfect sex, how many times? I lost count at five. Anyway, if you start taking hormones, you’re gonna lose your drive along with that stubble of yours. Are you sure you want that?”
“I want to become a woman, Kit.”
“I know, but there are different stages in life. I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t love you so much, but I’m going through a few changes myself, and I just wonder if we shouldn’t slow things down a bit.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, have you ever thought about having kids?”
“I’d love to have a family. I know I won’t be able to have any of my own after the operation, but…hey, wait a minute! Are you going where I think you’re going?”
Kit slid off the bed and kneeled down, taking Chrissy’s hand as he looked up into her eyes. “Chrissy, will you marry me?”
“Yes! Oh Kit, you’ve made me the happiest person in the world!”
* * *
Later that morning, over coffee and croissants at the Corner Bakery, Kit and Chrissy took stock of their lives. Chrissy, looking foxy in one of Kit’s leather skirts with a matching vest, made a list while Kit, resembling a young executive in his blazer and slacks, rattled off things to be done:
1.Wedding: Next month in Las Vegas. Keep our given names for the marriage license, and switch places for the ceremony.
3.Jobs: Notify the airline after making sure the Association of Flight Attendants will support us.
4.Residence: Find new apartment.
“Hmmm,” Chrissy said. “Looks like everything’s falling into place, except the things that matter the most.”
“My dad has already had two heart attacks since my mother died,” Kit said. “Another one would kill him. He’ll be okay when he learns that his only daughter ran off to Vegas to get married. Maybe I’ll just leave it at that.”
“That may work for you, but what about my mother and stepfather?”
“Come on, your mom is the coolest lady I’ve ever met. Remember when we worked that flight together from Tampa to KCI, and she was on it? We practically made her an honorary member of the crew.”
“I remember,” Chrissy said with a smile, “but that doesn’t mean she’ll be cool with this.”
“Trust what used to be my female intuition. She’ll be just fine with us. Especially when we tell her about her grandchild.”
“You and those kids again. Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun just a bit?”
“As a matter of fact, no. I’m not.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re pretty dense for a girl,” Kit sighed. We’re pregnant, Chrissy.”
“I found out yesterday. That’s where I was while you were parading in front of your video camera. At the doctor’s.”
“You mean I’m going to be a father?”
“Are you asking me whether it’s yours?”
“No, no. It’s just so…overwhelming. We’re going to have a baby! Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Chrissy asked.
“I wasn’t at first. When I found out I was going to be an unwed mother, my first reaction was to have an abortion. Then I got home to find out that my boyfriend was dumping me to become a woman.”
“If I’d only known….”
“These aren’t life passages, Chrissy, these are bobsled runs. Maybe that’s why I took the bull by the horns last night. Aren’t you glad I did?”
“I just can’t believe it. What are we going to do?”
“Here’s the way I see it,” Kit said. “We get married in Vegas, have a long honeymoon in Hawaii, and then I go on maternity leave. You go back to being Chris until the airline signs off on our change in status. I mean, somebody’s got to be the breadwinner around here.”
“Do you really want me to do that?”
“This isn’t about you, or me either. We have another person to think about now, Chrissy. You can start in on those hormones as soon as we get back from Hawaii. While you’re doing your swan song as Chris, blimpo here will be getting our place ready. I’m gonna need a lot of help.”
Chrissy loved the way Kit was taking charge of their lives, and her eyes were brimming with tears. “I’ll do anything you ask.”
“As soon as I get home from the hospital, you can go on paternity leave, and with any luck, by then you’ll be ready to start nursing. Instead of getting my old figure back, I’ll keep right on going until I have my new one. I’ll go back to work as soon as I can, and you can stay home with the kid.”
“You sound like a cross between Ozzie Nelson and Ozzy Osbourne.”
“Our family, our values. Life’s what you make it, Chrissy.”
And so they did.
By the author of The Jessica Project