tagHumor & SatireFangs of Confusion

Fangs of Confusion


You won't believe me when I tell you, but I'll tell you anyways. I dated a vampire once. The thought of dating one more than once never crossed my mind. Of course, he wasn't a real vampire; he just paraded himself as one. He believed that this delusion made him different. Having the delusion did make him different. When he told me what he believed himself to be, I nearly pissed myself. Imagine being on a first date and the person across from you tells you that they are a vampire and your response is leaking between your legs. I think the greater offense would be peeing on myself, especially if he was joking. He isn't joking though. He said he was different and then he explained that he was some kind of day-walking vampire. He had this whole mythos detailed and I went with it because it is every girls dream to sleep with a vampire.

I asked him how he knew that he was a vampire and he told me that his whole family was made up of vampires. Well my family can be called blood suckers, but I wouldn't go so far as to call them vampires. Plus how does anything dead give birth anyways? Yet here I was listening to his gobbled gook and hoping that we could just sleep with each other and call it quits. Obviously I'm not going to actually date him for real, he thinks he is a vampire.

Years later I would learn that when he was in school he would get out of gym class because he complained that the sun hurt him. Logically one would wonder how the sun hurt a day-walking vampire, but I digress. Instead as most high school kids do, people would channel their energy elsewhere leaving him to his own devices. I guess it didn't hurt that he was on drugs at the time and the people closest to him would feed his abnormal curiosities. I wanted to feed him, but not in that way. I just wanted to know what it would feel like to be bit. He had enlarged canines which I found oddly stimulating and he felt as his God given right as a vampire. I'm not sure how God factors in, but he seemed to believe in him.

I on the other hand believed that his chocolate skin led to a big dick and that I wanted to feel it inside of me before I called off our relationship. I was going to call off out relationship, because obviously no one in their right mind would date a vampire. I wasn't scared to be bitten either, because honestly I've never seen a fat vampire. So, I planned to have sex with him on Halloween. Telling my friend about it only made her laugh. She suggested that we get his blood boiling by attempting to stake him. Well the attempted staking got something boiling, but it wasn't his blood. Instead he pushes me against the wall and explains to me that I will have a lot of making up to do.

Alone in my house I drop to my knees to give him an apology in the form of oral dictation. He seems pleased by my decision and almost forgets about the staking in the backyard. Truth be told I kind of wished we had been staked and then I could see how human he could really be. Instead however, his dark chocolate cock is in my mouth as we settle into the dark den room. He likes the dark, go figure.

Coming off my knees he helps me to come and sit beside him on the couch. My hand placed in his and he resonates cold. For someone who pretends to be a vampire, he has some unusual characteristics that add to his mask. We kiss and his large canine teeth scrape against my upper lip. I feel myself getting wet just by the thought of what is to come. I want to feel him inside me, I want to feel his teeth inside me.

"Do you believe that I'm a vampire," he says with a smile.

"No, I don't believe you are a vampire."

His eyes practically glow with anger as I respond but I stand my ground. There is nothing like angering a pseudo vampire and watching him squirm over what to do with you. He grabs me by the arm and quickly plants a kiss on my lips. This isn't what I expected but it seems much nicer than what I deserve. Then it comes. He lays his lips against my neck, and I know he is preparing to bite me. His teeth brush just over my skin and I wait, willingly. He clamps down, but nothing happens. He tries again, but he can't break the skin. Sure, it does hurt, but he can't really bite me. He can't really do anything. He isn't a vampire.

"Just forget it," he says breathlessly.

"No, you just forget it," I say standing, "I had a feeling that you wouldn't be able to keep it up."

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