Fear Falls Away

*******

As I approached Burn's apartment, I was starting to feel comfortable. It was odd how quickly I had relaxed. Talking to Burn seemed so easy once I had taken the giant step of putting myself out there and meeting up with him.

Burn let us in to the building, and led me up a flight of stairs. His apartment was on the second floor, which was the one from the top. The apartment was tidier than I had expected. I had pegged Burn as being messy. It wasn't huge but felt comfy and homely, with a reasonably sized living space and kitchen area joined together and an open door leading to a small bathroom by the kitchen on the right and a closed door behind the leather coach, which I assumed led to a bedroom. The floor in the open space was wooden with a few chocolate brown rugs strategically placed across the living area. The walls were white with a few artsy pictures hanging up.

Burn headed over to the fridge and pulled out a couple of beers whilst I stood by the door feeling a little awkward now that we were alone at his place. He placed a few bottles on the table, keeping hold of the couple that he had already opened. Burn threw himself down on the sofa, holding a beer out for me.

"You can sit down, you know," he joked.

"I'm not much of a drinker," I responded nervously as I took the bottle and sat down next to him, leaving a small gap between us.

"Well I guess I'll have to fix that," Burn commented.

"My brother used to drink all the time. It wasn't very pleasant. It kind of put me off of the stuff." I had no idea why I was telling him this.

"Used to? So he quit then?" Burn took a swig of his drink.

"No. He left. Well, disappeared, really."

"Oh."

There was an awkward silence for a moment, and in order to break it I asked Burn about his family. He told me about his three sisters and his mum with such love and admiration in his tone that it made me feel much more at ease and I laughed when he made jokes about what it was like to be the only guy in the family.

"I totally love them, but a large part of why I'm here now is because I wanted to get away. It's nice to be independent and spend time away from the family for a while."

I smiled and nodded. By this point, I had already finished my first beer and was well on my way through one of the bottles he had placed on the table.

"What about you?"

"Umm..." I looked into Burn's eyes and felt a sudden burst of confidence. "Well I came here for similar reasons I guess. I wanted to be independent and I have..." I paused, looking for the right word, "I have issues of my own and I didn't want them to hold me back, so I kind of forced myself to pursue further education. It's a struggle for me but what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger, right?"

Burn nodded, as if he understood and as if he truly cared, and I found myself believing that he did.

"So, do you want to talk about your brother? Is that why you're so shy?"

His question took me by surprise. It was one thing to be shy and anxious all the time, and another to have it outright discussed. I blushed, lowered my eyes and adjusted myself in my seat.

"It's okay James, you don't have to talk about it. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." He reached out and rested his hand against my arm and rubbed it gently. "But if you ever want to talk, I'm here."

"No, it's fine. It's not as simple as me being shy really but I was this way years before my brother left, but I guess that didn't help the situation. He left almost two years ago, although I have no idea why. He was a handful. I'm not sure what he was going through because he never spoke about it, but he was lashing out. I guess he felt like he couldn't stay with his family anymore. Mom won't talk about it, although she blamed my dad. Dad died about 6 months after Dean left."

"I'm really sorry, James."

Burn placed his hand gently on my thigh in a comforting gesture, but I shied away a little and Burn moved his hand away. I wished he hadn't. I couldn't stop thinking about him touching me, but then I remembered that he had a girlfriend. I willed myself not to read too much into this, he was just being friendly. I finished off my beer but didn't bother starting on another one.

"It's actually okay. I wasn't too close to him. He wasn't around very much when I was growing up because he worked so much and then my parents divorced when I was 13 and I saw him even less. But Dean never got in touch and never showed up for the funeral. I don't think I can forgive him for that."

Burn nodded. "So what about the shyness?"

I paused. "I...well...it's kind of a long story and... it's pretty hard to explain..." I was babbling and I knew I sounded like a complete idiot, so I just stopped talking and shook my head at my own stupidity.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be pushy. I was just curious. We don't have to talk about it." There was worry in Burn's eyes so I smiled to reassure him that I was okay, and for once it was actually true. I was more than okay, actually -- I felt safe and comfortable. Perhaps the couple of beers had helped, but I was sure it was more to do with Burn and the way that being around him seemed to put me and my mind at ease.

"Don't worry. God, it's so easy to talk to you. You don't realise how rare it is for me to talk to someone I barely know like this. It's nice."

"Well I'm glad to hear it." Burn paused and looked away before he continued. "I like you, James." Looking back, he looked into my eyes as he spoke again. "You're a great guy. Don't ever feel too shy to talk to me, cos I'm happy to listen to you and I'd love to be there for you when you need someone. I really enjoy hanging out with you, James."

I took a swig of my beer. His words had given me butterflies. I wished he meant that in the way I wanted him to. I caught his eyes again and he fixed me with a look, as if daring me to look away. I wanted to but I didn't let myself. I wasn't sure if I imagined him moving closer, but my heart skipped a beat and my hands were starting to sweat. My mind was starting to get jumbled but I realised with perfect clarity that I wanted him to kiss me, and in that moment I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything. I wanted to free myself of my anxiety and kiss him. I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to hold that perfect body.

His phone beeped and snapped me out of the trance I seemed to have been in. I shuffled a little in my seat, moving a few inches away from him. He gave me an apologetic glance before pulling his cell out of his pocket and flipping it open to read the message.

"Your girlfriend?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"What? No. Hell no. It's my sister, Grace. She's only 14 and she kind of like you, being shy and all. She's pretty amazing, but like you she just can't see it. She's been having trouble at school and she misses me, so she calls a lot. Wait. You thought I had a girlfriend?"

I didn't respond to Burn. The emphasis he placed on the word 'girlfriend' confused me. What was he implying? I didn't for one second want to believe that he was gay too, that would be just too much good fortune for someone like me. But then, even if he was gay, it didn't automatically mean he would be interested in me. But wait, hadn't he also just implied that he thought I was amazing?

Burn shuffled himself in his seat, closing the space I had just created between the two of us. My heart was racing once again.

"I don't have a girlfriend, J."

Burn had leaned a little closer to me. I was sure of it. I felt Burn's hand brush lightly against my arm. The contact caused my heart to stutter and my skin tingled from his touch. He was so close that I could feel his warm breathe against my skin. Without thinking about what I was doing, I moved those last few inches and brushed my lips lightly against Burn's. My heart was pounded faster and faster as the kiss got deeper. My whole body responded and I felt as if someone had lit a bonfire in my heart. I was pretty sure I moaned too. I lifted my arms to rest them on Burn's shoulders as I continued the kiss for a few more seconds. I only stopped when Burn pushed me away.

He pushed me away.

Panic hit, and I jumped up out of my seat. I could feel my face burning and the sudden movement affected my balance, causing me to sway a little. I must have completely misread the situation, and I felt so stupid for getting myself caught in such a humiliating position.

"I'm sorry, I...I..."

I didn't even finish my sentence. I didn't dare look at Burn for fear of what I might see. Disgust? Anger? I was up and out of the apartment before Burn had even managed to catch his breath.

*******

"James, wait!"

I called after him but it was no good. He was gone in seconds, leaving me alone on the sofa. I considered running after him, but I expected he'd need some time to himself to think things over. Perhaps he was just shocked by the turn of events. Perhaps I'd scared him. Perhaps he was disgusted to think that he had just kissed another guy. I truly hoped not.

I replayed the moment in my head -- had I done something wrong? He had seemed into it, but perhaps I had been reading the whole thing wrong and made a complete fool out of myself. I had pulled away to tell him how I felt and to reveal how strongly I was attracted to him, but he had jumped up and left before I had even caught my breath. He'd thought I had a girlfriend, so he clearly hadn't suspected that I was gay. Now that he knew the truth, perhaps he wanted nothing to do with me. That stung. I wanted to break something. I wanted to cry, and I hadn't cried in years. I wanted to run after him but by now it was too late. How could I have been so stupid? I came on too strong and I'd scared him away. And how could I have fallen for this guy? Barely a week had passed since we'd met and I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself because he didn't like me back. I felt like I was 15 years old all over again.

The kiss hadn't lasted long but my heart was still pounding. James seemed to be oblivious to the effect he had on people, especially on me. He was gorgeous but he didn't seem to know it. He was clearly smart and genuine, but he didn't seem to know that either. I wanted him so much, despite knowing him for such a small amount of time. I was hard from just a quick kiss. I couldn't believe the connection I already felt to this guy.

I went to the bathroom to take care of myself and then headed to bed, where I lay wide awake thinking about James and his reaction to our kiss. I was still wide awake and kicking myself in the early hours of the morning; I had known that James was shy and yet I had clearly pushed him too far. Part of my brain had been telling me to stop, warning me that there were boundaries and that James was fragile and sensitive. I didn't want to hurt him. Clearly I had, and I was angry at myself for that.

James didn't contact me over the weekend, and I didn't call him despite how much I wanted to. I knew that James probably wanted space to sort things out and come to terms with whatever had frightened him off, but I was worried. Not only was I worried, but I needed to see him. I remembered him telling me that he was on living on campus block D, so I spent my Sunday hanging around the campus in the hopes that I'd catch him around.

Nothing.

I asked around but no one seemed to know him and the few people who did recognise him from my description weren't sure which room he was staying in and knew very little about him at all. One guy said he'd seen James walking across campus late on Friday night but that was the most information I'd got. I was tempted to just call him and ask him to meet me but I had the feeling he wouldn't answer anyway. I didn't want to have to sort this out over the phone, I needed to see James. I was starting to get desperate.

James couldn't hide from me forever and we had a philosophy lecture on Monday. I planned to pull him aside after that and talk to him about what had happened. I looked around for him as I entered the lecture hall in the hopes that I could sit next to him or signal that I needed to talk to him. I kept my eyes peeled for those gorgeous gray eyes and his messy tuft of dark blonde hair, but I couldn't see him anywhere. After sweeping the room for the third time I gave up; he wasn't there. Had I scared him that much? Was he embarrassed? I knew he was shy, but did he really feel so uncomfortable around me that he even missed his lectures to avoid me? My heart dropped and I slumped into a seat at the back of the lecture hall.

I already knew that James wasn't in my class for this particular module, so I flopped down in my chair and thought about what I should do. I'd send him a text and tell him that I needed to see him, I thought. I'd wait outside Block D for the whole week if I had to. I'd call him every 5 minutes until he picked up. I paid no attention to the work at hand, instead replaying the kiss from Friday night. I replayed the moment that James got up and ran away. It hurt to think about it. I should have run after him, damn it.

The hour wasn't up but I suddenly jumped from my seat, grabbed my bag and hurriedly made my way out of the room. My tutor called after me but I mumbled something about an upset stomach before the door closed behind me. I knew what other classes James took, and as I headed towards the other classroom I was praying that he hadn't skipped that class too.

*******

I was sitting in my class thinking about Burn. I hadn't heard from him over the weekend and I had been too frightened to call him. What would I even say? I was so worried. What if he was disgusted to find that I was gay? I was well aware that I had only known him for such a small amount of time, but I felt as if perhaps there could have been something between us. I felt that we could have been amazing friends, if not more. I'd spent the rest of Friday evening walking around town trying -- and failing -- to hold back my tears. I'd spent the whole of Saturday working in an attempt to keep my mind off of the night before. On Sunday, I hadn't left my room at all.

I had been too nervous to go to my philosophy lecture that morning because I knew Burn would be there. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever but I didn't know what I'd say. I knew I wasn't in the same class as him for this module, so I had reluctantly left my dorm to turn up for it. I found it difficult to do the work because I couldn't concentrate, so I was glad to leave when the hour was up. I darted out of the classroom door and was almost knocked off my feet by the guy waiting by the door outside.

It was Burn. He grabbed hold of my elbow to steady me as the rest of the class walked obliviously past us. I felt my cheeks flush a little and I suddenly felt very self-conscious, but I stood my ground and waited for Burn to say something. We were standing very close and I could see myself reflected in his beautiful dark eyes. I tried to look for something in them. Anger? Hate? Whatever he felt, he was keeping it well hidden, for now at least. Or perhaps I was just terrible at reading emotions. Either way, I was worried. Not scared -- I could never be scared of Burn -- just apprehensive of what was to come.

"Can we talk?"

I nodded but remained silent. My pulse raced.

"Café?"

"Ur, sure."

We walked silently, side by side, to the campus café. His arms were swinging at his sides and at one point his hand brushed mine. Neither of us spoke.

I was relieved to find that the café wasn't busy, which gave us a bit of privacy. We took the table by the window and after ordering a coffee each, Burn looked me straight in the eyes and took a deep breath.

"Did I scare you? Is that why you left?"

"What?" I was confused by this.

"The kiss -- I understand if it scared you. I didn't want that, I didn't want to upset you." Concern was etched across his face, and his eyes showed how worried and tired he was.

"I'm confused," I said blankly.

"I didn't mean to confuse you either. I just...I'm gay, James, and I'm into you." Burn was watching me for a reaction. My heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it in my ears.

"I wasn't confused about the kiss. I mean, I was...but I meant that I'm confused as to why you think I was scared. You could never scare me, Burn. I left because I thought I'd freaked you out. I thought you would hate me if you realised I was gay, and I couldn't bear that."

Burn looked shocked, but he quickly regained his composure and his eyes expressed his relief.

"You're gay?"

"I thought we'd established that."

At this point, the coffee arrived. I hardly even noticed that the woman serving us asked me a question and when I finally processed that she was flirting with me I just stared blankly, unsure of how to react. I was saved when Burn responded for me.

"He's with me."

The young woman mumbled an apology walked away quickly.

"I...what?"

"That's if you'll have me." He grinned sheepishly.

"Like you even have to ask." I mumbled.

*******

I couldn't believe it. James wanted me. I had spent the weekend convincing myself that I had fucked everything up, so my heart soared knowing that he actually wanted me. I hesitated before I reached across the table and placed my hand on top of his. I didn't want to rush things if he wasn't ready, but I felt the need to claim him as mine. I wanted to tell the world that this beautiful man was taken, and that I was the lucky owner of his heart. I felt my whole body warm when he turned his hand over to grip mine. His hands were soft and he was blushing slightly, but his smile was huge.

I sighed with relief. "I'm so glad we sorted this. I spent the whole weekend worrying. I even hung around outside Block D for hours on Sunday hoping I would run into you."

"I'm really sorry -- " James started, but I cut him off. I didn't want to hear him say sorry; he had nothing to apologise for.

"James, you don't need to be sorry for anything. I promise." I squeezed his hand in mine to comfort him, and gently caressed my fingers across his palm.

I met his eyes and the lust and raw emotion that I saw and felt was so strong that it shocked me. I wanted him so much. How was it possible that I had developed such strong feelings for this guy in such a short space of time? I felt as if I had been looking for him forever. I hadn't been interested in a serious relationship until I unexpectedly met James; I'd only ever had a series of flings and a few one night stands. Now all I could think about was being with him, holding him in my arms, making love to him.

"Want to go back to my place? You know, to talk and stuff."

"...and stuff?!" James repeated, raising an eyebrow suggestively. It seemed so out of character that I laughed. The smile I received in response was enough to make me melt.

I finished my coffee in record time and then we headed off to the apartment. We walked for the first ten minutes making jokes and laughing. The conversation started to dwindle but it didn't matter. It was his company that mattered. We were walking side by side, and I braved reaching out for his hand. I prepared myself for him to pull away. We were in public after all, and I knew he was shy and struggled with anxiety issues. He squeezed my hand back and entwined our fingers. I stole a sideways glance to find him smiling his killer smile at me. He didn't know it, but that smile was perhaps one of the most breathtaking things I had ever laid eyes on. I was in heaven.

At my apartment, we did nothing more than talk. James hesitated in the doorway but he seemed much more comfortable than before. We sat together on the coach, and it took all my restraint not to reach out and hold that beautiful face of his between my palms. I didn't want James to feel awkward around me, so I tried my best to make him comfortable. We talked about past relationships -- well, my past relationships -- and our studies and what we wanted to do in the future. James seemed much more ambitious than I was. He had all these plans of being a professor, despite his intense shyness and anxiety. I found myself admiring him.