Felicia Ch. 04

Fe didn't stop her half-walk, half-trot until she was halfway back to her dorm. When she had calmed down enough to think, she finally realized that she had been holding her breath most of the way. She slowed down enough to try to catch her breath, her heart beating so fast she thought it was going to burst in her chest. "Why, of all people, did Clint have to find that fucking book," she thought. She had bought it from a bookstore near campus, the same place she bought the other books she left at Joel's. That was the only one she kept because she wanted to know what to expect the next couple of months, especially with the nausea and avoidance of food that seemed to last all day, not just mornings like depicted in movies and TV shows. She had been reading it during lunch, which consisted of nothing more than an apple and water (the only things that didn't make her want to hurl) which was right before her Econ class. If the whole situation wasn't so mortifying, she would've called up Maxine and told her everything, and they would laugh their asses off. Just then, her text message ring tone went off. She dug it out of her pocket and looked at the screen. Speak of the devil; it was a message from Joel.

Fe took a deep breath before reading it. This was the first time she had heard from him in more than two weeks. His first 100 messages were him just apologizing for not locking the door and her having to see some girl in his room. His last few messages were angrier and more combative, calling her childish and immature for refusing to be a woman and at least talking to him about the situation. But the very last message she had received from him was the most hurtful. It read, "What about the baby?" It was the only time in all of his texts that he had acknowledged that Fe was pregnant. She didn't think that he even cared considering how quick he was to jump into bed with Maggie. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he just asked her that because he knew it would get to her. But after the plea he made in her bedroom that night, Fe couldn't imagine that he wasn't touched that their 17 years of friendship and love had resulted in a child. While all of that ran through her mind, she read his current text.

"Did your boyfriend say something you didn't like?"

Fe groaned softly. Fe forgot that he had an accounting class in the same building at the same time. They used to meet in the lobby area afterwards and walk back to their dorms together. Well, actually Joel would stop by Fe's dorm, eat whatever she had in the fridge that wasn't her roommates, take a nap, and then go back to his dorm. Fe used to watch him while he slept and marveled at how beautiful he was and how he looked so innocent. Now, every time she saw his face, her stomach turned. It was a feeling she didn't like having.

Fe continued walking to her dorm, at a slower pace now, when her text message tone went off again. And once again, the message was from Joel. She read and felt her stomach start to knot up, probably a combination of all-day sickness and nervousness. It read, "I'm tired of the games and all the bullshit. I need to see you tonight and we need to talk. 7 p.m. in my room. Be there."

Fe didn't know what to feel or what to think. As much as she didn't like his tone in the text message, he was right. They did need to talk. She was almost two months along and they needed to come up with a game plan whether they were ready or not. The pregnancy wasn't going to go into pause because she and Joel didn't get along. She unlocked the backdoor to her dorm building and made the grueling three-story climb to her floor. Maybe a nap and a nibble would make her feel better before her big meeting.

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It was 6:45 and Fe had been pacing outside of Joel's dorm room/apartment for ten minutes. People had been walking past her, giving her a weird look. But Fe was too lost in her own thoughts to even notice. What would they say? What would they do? What would they decide? These were all questions that she knew wouldn't be answered standing on the outside. She took a deep breath and knocked softly, hoping that if she did it like that, he wouldn't hear and she could go home and claim that she knocked and waited and no one answered. She had no such luck. Joel had a feeling that she'd do something chicken like that so he perched himself in his kitchen which was right next to the door. He heard her faint knock and quickly fixed himself, although he wasn't dressed in anything to be impressive in. He bit his lip nervously and reached for the door. Turning the knob he knew his whole future with Fe depended on how this meeting went and he wasn't going to fuck it up.

Fe counted to ten and was just about to walk away when she heard the door unlock and open, a noise she never thought she'd dread hearing. Joel stood in the doorway wearing Aeropostle pajama bottoms she had gotten him the Christmas before to replace some ratty ass sweats he always insisted on wearing. To make sure he got rid of the old ones, she ripped them up and threw it away in her dorm dumpster, insurance that he wouldn't dig them out of the trash. He was shirtless, something he had become accustomed to doing once he moved into a dorm. He stomach wasn't muscled bound like in commercials but it definitely had definition and could easily make Fe speechless. She tried not to look down at his body for fear that she would lose control. Fe looked cute in her dress down outfit, even if she didn't know it. She wore jeans, an Ohio State sweatshirt and black and pink Nike sneakers. It was the way that Joel looked to see her because he insisted it was more natural. But Fe just saw it as comfortable.

She put on the best "bitch" look she could muster and began to speak, "You wanted me here? I'm here."

Joel chuckled, inwardly. Yeah he wanted her, all over his apartment. He could tell she was trying to keep her eyes off of him, staring past him as opposed to at him so that she wouldn't cave in. He recognized that look from the night when he knocked her up. It was her defiant look. And as hard as she was trying to make herself look, she actually looked very cute. He had to force the smile that was threatening to creep on his lips back and instead give back an asshole look of his own.

"Yeah, I wanted you here. Come in."

Instead of being the gentleman he was raised to be and open the door wide enough for her to enter, he turned around and walked off to his room himself. If she wants to be a bitch, she can get the door her damn self. Fe rolled her eyes and walked in. This was going to be a long conversation.

Joel walked to his room and plopped himself down on his bed, lying back with his hands behind his back. Fe scoffed. "Look, if want to talk, then talk. I have somewhere to --"

"You want something to drink? I do. I'm parched."

Before Fe could object, he was up and out of the room. Why did he have to make everything so hard? Fe sighed in frustration and began looking around the room. It was the same way he always had it. Everything was neat and in its place. He had always been a neat freak, from the first day she had known him. His dad was the exact same way. It was one of the few outward traits that the two shared and Fe loved to make fun of. It drove Joel crazy but it was a habit that he couldn't seem to break. Fe's eyes scanned the floor and she noticed a box. It was her box. She had forgotten it that day when....well, when shit hit the fan. She bent down to open it and make sure that everything was still there. The box was half empty. Fe stood up and began looking around the room but she didn't have to look far. On his desks were at least 14 books, all arranged as if he was doing research. She found a couple of spiral notebooks sitting next them as well. One already full from notes that he had taken from the books and he had started on another. His last notes were on how to "make Fe feel as comfortable as possible in her last months". It listed massage and relaxation techniques. This wasn't something he had started last night. This was something he had been at for weeks.

Joel walked back into the room holding two glasses and holding one towards Fe. "Here's some orange juice. It's loaded with vitamins for you and -- "

"You read all these?"

Joel looked down at his feet and starting biting on his bottom lip again. He couldn't imagine why, but now he felt so nervous and self-conscience around her. He hadn't intended for her to see that he had been actively reading everything her pregnancy and parenting books had to offer. But he was so engrossed in wondering what was going to happen when she got there, that he had forgotten to put the books back in the box.

"Yeah, I did. I'm sorry, I'll put them back."

He sat the glasses down on the shelf of his desk and made a move to close the books and put them back in the box when Fe grabbed his arm. "Stop, you don't have to do that. I'm not mad I'm...surprised."

Joel smiled weakly. "Why? You didn't think I could read."

Fe returned the smile. "No....I just didn't think..." She turned her face away from him in obvious embarrassment. And what was the other look? Was that shame?

She stuffed her hands in her pockets and looked down at her feet, hoping that Joel would forget her half comment and talk about something else. But obviously, the statement wasn't going to go away that easily.

"What? You didn't think that I'd be interested in what was going on with you or the baby?"

Fe shifted her weight but couldn't bring herself to look Joel in the face. How did she not know that after being friends for so long that he could practically read her thoughts? That didn't make her unfinished statement hurt any less. Joel felt like someone had slapped him in the face. Why would Fe ever think that he didn't want to know everything there was to know about what was going to happen to his beautiful Fe and their baby? But Joel already knew the answer.

"I know it's because of the thing with Maggie. But Fe, she's just a girl. You're...well, you're everything."

Fe finally brought her eyes up to meet Joel's and he could see tears forming. The mention of Maggie's name was enough to bring all of her feelings to the surface. "You think I'm still upset just because you had sex with Maggie, who, by the way, is a complete idiot."

In any other setting, Joel would've been laughing his ass off. But he could see Fe's heart breaking in front of him and that was far from funny.

"I'm pissed because of when you did it not just because you did it. I tell you that I'm pregnant and you profess your love to me and the next day, I find you two in bed together. What kind of shit is that?"

Joel didn't say a word. In fact, he was barely breathing because he now understood. This whole time he was stuck on the fact and Fe had caught them together and maybe she was jealous. He never even considered the timing of the whole thing. He truly felt like an asshole. By this time, tears were freely pouring down Fe's cheeks, even though she tried to desperately to wipe them dry. The more she tried, the more tears came pouring out until Fe was sobbing. Joel didn't know if he could feel any worse. He had only seen Fe cry like this once, and that was on the day of her mother's funeral. They were 14 when Fe's mother was killed in a car accident. Joel held her for nearly an hour as Fe cried what seemed like a gallon worth of tears. His arms were numb and his shirt was completely soaked but he would've held her forever if it made her feel safe. And now here they were, six years later, and she was crying like that again. Only this time, he was the cause of her tears.

He did the only thing he could do. He pulled her sobbing form to his shirtless chest and hugged her as tightly as he could. He wanted her to feel safe, the same way she felt that dark day in her life. He wanted to make the dark cloud that had been hanging over them to disappear. After about 15 minutes, Fe's sobs subsided. Now, she was feeling even more embarrassed at the fact that she had cried in front of Joel. It was something that she had tried to hide from him for years so she wouldn't feel like she a weak girl in front of him. But this was one of the times when she couldn't hold back if she wanted to.

Joel waited to release her until her cries completely went away and her body stopped trembling. He disconnected from her just long enough to go get tissue from his bathroom so she could clean her face off. She turned her back to him, trying to put herself back together before they resumed their conversation. Once she felt like she was back in controls of herself, she turned around. "I'm sorry."

Joel said nothing. Instead, he leaned forward and took her thick lips in his. His tongue instantly came out and invaded her mouth, almost in a savage way. Fe couldn't stop him if she wanted to. His tongue felt so good in her mouth. It was something that she had thought about and dreamed about for weeks, since their fight began. Just being in the same room with her was enough to make her body respond but kissing him was like setting her clit on fire. It was one of the most exciting feelings she had ever had. But...there was something extra happening. Sure, she was starting to get hot, but now she felt almost feverish. Fe couldn't place her finger on it but the feelings she had coursing through her body were...nauseating?

Fe pushed Joel away from her and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Yep, her all day morning sickness had come back to take a vengeance.

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It was around 9:30 and Fe had finally fallen asleep in Joel's bed. After hurling her guts out in his bathroom, she had another fit and cried about how embarrassed she was that she "degraded his bathroom" like that. Joel didn't care. He was just happy that she was talking to him again. It took quite a while but finally he was able to calm her down and give her ginger tea, something he read in one of the books that would relieve her nausea. She sipped it slowly while he cooed over her body as she rested on his pillow, caressing her and murmuring comforting sayings. He looked down at her sleeping form and reveled in how he almost lost her. He promised himself he'd never do that again.

As he sat watching over her, still gently running his fingers through her hair, a trick he had learned that would put her to sleep when they were 10, his curiosity got the best of him and he just had to feel her stomach, his baby's resting place for almost 10 months. He lifted up her sweatshirt and placed his hand on her bare flesh. It felt hot and alive. Even though he knew that he wasn't going to feel a kick or a bump, he knew what was going on and it was awe-inspiring. He began moving his hand around, a tear forming in the corner of his eye. Then, as if by instinct, he leaned forward and kissed Fe on her soft, plump lips. Her lips pushed back just a little, but she didn't wake. All he could think about was how this marvelous girl was going to be the mother of several of his children.

"I see why you've been avoiding me. You're all hugged up on this bitch."

Joel froze and then he could feel his blood start boiling. Who the fuck was she to call his girl a bitch? He slowly pulled his hand out from underneath her top and rolled off the bed, careful not to wake her up. He stood in the middle of the room and faced the door, afraid that if he got too close that he would do something stupid.

"So, is it true? Did you knock her up while we were together?"

Joel chuckled lightly and stepped towards her, causing Maggie to take several steps back. She had seen a dude this angry before, but never towards her sweet-looking face. Now, she was seeing what it was like to be on the end of that evil stare.

Joel continued to stare her down, making her back up until her back was pressed up against the wall across the hall from his room. When Joel cleared the door, he reached behind and closed the door. The hallway was completely dark, making everything seem more ominous than it should have been. Maggie really knew that there was going to be trouble now. A guy only did that when an ass-chewing was coming.

"Did you not get the hint when I stopped answering your first 200 calls and texts?" His voice came out low and menacing, a tone that even scared Joel. Maggie had been annoying before but now she was a thorn in his paw and he was determined to pluck it out.

Maggie could barely squeak/whisper out her answer. "I just thought that you owed me an explanation. You know, since we're together."

Joel closed his eyes and took a deep breath, like he was trying to swallow a big pill. Without bothering to open his eyes he replied, "We were never together. You were a pleasant and a half-decent conversation and that's it. Fe's my...."

"Your what? Your girl?" Maggie's anger at his last statement gave her false confidence, which quickly disappeared as she spoke her last words.

Joel looked at her, or rather through her. His bright green eyes looked like there were on fire and it scared her in a way that his voice hadn't, which was very hard to do. "She's the mother of my child and eventually she'll be my wife. I don't want anything else to do with you. Get out."

Joel was standing less than six inches away from her, so close that she could feel his breath on her face. Maggie wanted so badly to leave, tell him to go fuck himself and storm out of there but she couldn't. She literally felt frozen with fear. She couldn't believe someone that she had given not only her body but her heart to was talking to her like this. But in Joel's eyes, she was nothing to him at all. She wasn't even a casual acquaintance. She was just a body taking up space.

"Get out NOW!"

The last part came out a lot louder than Joel had intended but he didn't know how else to get it through to her that she needed to get out of his sight. Maggie finally got the hint and scurried away; looking behind her for fear that he might attack her from behind. Joel was breathing hard and staring at the spot where she stood, like he was in a hate-induced trance. It wasn't broken until he heard the front door slam. This girl got under his skin like no other, and not in a good way.

"Joel? Are you okay?"

The light from his room illuminated his back as Fe stood in the doorway. "What happened? Who was that?"

Joel counted to three and turned around; hoping that all signs of his anger had been erased from his face. They had.

"It was no one. Don't worry about it. Are you hungry?"

Fe stared at him for a few more seconds but when she didn't see any signs of trouble on his face, she smiled. "Actually, I'm starving."

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It was Thursday and Fe had been squirming in her seat for almost 20 minutes. She had gotten to class super early in case Clint was there so she could scan the thin audience and choose the best entrance in order to prevent being noticed. Luckily, this was the type of class where there were two doors in the front and two in the back. She seated herself closer to the back and in the corner right, giving her a vantage point to see everyone walking in even if they came from the back doors. She pulled her bright red hoodie over her head and lowered her face into her book, giving her an unassuming look. She looked at her watch. Only one more minute and she'd be home free. The lights would be dimmed and she'd be able to concentrate on class instead of her looming humiliation. She surveyed the filling class once again, making sure he hadn't slipped into the room undetected. He hadn't. Finally, Fe heard the voice she had been praying for all day. Her professor's voice streamed through the loudspeakers and the light went down. Fe sighed in relief, took off her hoodie and slipped down into her seat to begin taking notes.