Ferry Me Over

"Well," said Jane into the phone, resigned but angry. "I wasn't crazy."

"Oh no," said Lena, slipping into an empty meeting room.

"And now I think I might actually go crazy."

"Tell me what happened?"

Jane sighed and willed herself to start the story of her morning. The morning she confirmed what she already knew. It took a moment, as if speaking it aloud would let lose all of the churning emotion in her body. She'd been coiled like a spring for months and she wasn't sure if she wanted to let go of it just yet. She wasn't sure what she might do if she did. But after a few seconds, the words came.

"So... I got Chloe off to school. Breakfast, lunch, and because they she was running late like always, I drove her down to the bus. He'd already left - for 'work' - at, oh, 7am. Early start, apparently. So my suspicions were already raised, because it wasn't the first time he'd left early like that. And I got back home from the bus and just thought, I have to know. After finding those texts, you know? They weren't normal friendly banter like he'd been saying. And they went back so far."

"Yeah," said Lena, hanging on every word.

"So I stood in the living room for about five seconds, turned around, picked up the car keys and drove straight back out - to her place."

"Mm."

"Sure enough, his car was there. I parked a little way down the street and checked the coast was clear before getting out. It was really like being in a spy movie, stalking him to her place and trying to bust them without being caught."

"You really went up to the house?!"

"Yes. I had to see for myself. So I crept around to the back of the house, where her bedroom is - she and I had laughed so much in that bedroom, and I'd hugged her while she cried for her failed marriage in that bedroom, and I knew I was going to see the end of my marriage and the end of a friendship in that bedroom - and I knew I would have to walk away, whatever I saw, and not go in there because I might actually kill them."

"Oh my God, Jane."

"I heard them before I could see them. Both of them. When people cheat in movies it's always the woman moaning and thrashing, but he was grunting just as loudly as her. The window was open, and the curtain slightly open, and I peeked around the frame, and..."

She broke off for a few seconds.

"What really surprised me was how much I could see. For some reason, I thought they'd be under the covers - like he and I always had sex - and I wouldn't really be able to see anything except their heads bobbing. But she was right up on top of the bed on all fours, that small, tight body I used to envy so much, completely naked, her little tits swaying as he slammed into her from behind. I could see him going in and out of her. I could see his hands digging into the skin of her waist. I could see her reaching down between her legs to get herself off. Just... everything."

Lena didn't know what to say. She felt a little flushed, truth be told, and had to steady herself with a hand on a chair. The way Jane described it, her husband and her best friend were having the best sex anyone had ever had. And that - combined with the idea of Jane watching in open-mouthed shock - quite turned Lena on.

"I should have walked away. I mean, I'd seen it, right? But for some reason, I kept watching. They were facing away from me, and I wasn't that worried about being caught any more, so I just stayed. I saw her lose it when she came, and I saw him pull out of her and whip her around so he could come on her stomach. Like in porn movies. Just ridiculous."

"Jesus."

"That was when I left. Back to the car, and back home. Then I called you."

They were silent for a bit.

"Do you want me to come over?" said Lena. "I could say I'm sick and come hang out."

"Um..." Jane thought for a second. "That would actually be great. Can you? I hope it doesn't look suspicious, both of us being off sick."

"It'll be fine. I'll be there in half an hour."

"Oh, thanks, Lena. You're so good to me."

"Just don't go back there and kill them."

Jane laughed bitterly. "Okay, I promise."

After they hung up, Lena - still tense - went to the toilet. She'd become a little wet. A thought - an urge - crossed her mind, which she quickly disregarded. Not now, she thought.

*

Lena wasn't sure what to expect when she opened the door. She tried to affix a neutral expression as she knocked, but she couldn't help widening her eyes a little and taking a couple of shorter breaths as the door opened.

Not surprisingly, Jane looked terrible. For her, anyway. Her dark brown hair was clean and tied back, but her usually smooth face was crinkled from too much stress and not enough sleep. The brightness in her eyes was dimmer than ever. She'd been away from work all week, and she'd obviously spent it brooding on her cheating husband.

Still, she gave Lena a quick, instinctive smile and embraced her tightly. In seconds, she was weeping.

"Hey," said Lena, patting Jane's back. "It's okay, it's okay."

Jane tried to say something but just sobbed instead.

"Let it out, hon." She held her and let her cry into her shoulder. Their hug was a little ungainly, Jane being half a foot taller, but she was clearly getting the catharsis she needed. "You must be so done right now."

"My life is ruined," Jane managed.

"I..." Lena hesitated. She thought back to her own crushing moment of realisation, finding Kyle's emails to that woman after he'd left his Gmail open, reading in horror about all the things he was going to do to her. She thought of how awful the separation had been, and how much help she'd had to call in to keep Wanda - three years old at the time - fed, clothed, and happy. She thought about how much harder all this was than it could've been, all because her partner decided his gym buddy had better vital statistics than Lena did.

"Yeah, you're right," she eventually said. "It is ruined."

Jane laughed gently into her shoulder.

"But you will get through it."

After a few more seconds, Jane finally released Lena, her face a mess of tears. She'd left a big wet patch on Lena's blouse, and even managed to darken a clump of her stray hair from blonde to light brown.

"Sorry," said Jane, dabbing pointlessly at Lena's shoulder with her bare hand. "Come in, I've brewed coffee. Are you picking Wanda up from school?"

"Yeah, about three thirty. Plenty of time."

In the living room, Jane gestured to a seat at the dining table. She'd stacked several days of newspapers and junk mail on one side of the dining table so they had room to put down their mugs. Chloe's toys were strewn across the room, including that castle Wanda had enthused about on the way home after the last time she'd visited. Must organise another playdate, thought Lena.

"Sorry it's a mess," said Jane.

"Don't worry about it. I'm guessing Tom isn't bothering to clean up either."

Jane grimaced. "God, I knew it, I just knew it. He checked out months ago. Less and less time at home, less talking to me, definitely no interest in maintaining our home." She looked like she might cry some more, but then she steeled herself. "Fucking asshole."

"Total asshole," Lena agreed.

"I just kept on going, you know. Someone has to. But today..." She trailed off. "I don't know how to carry on."

"I know. It's not fair on you. You will keep going, though, for Chloe's sake."

"I honestly think I might have walked in there and stabbed them if it wasn't for Chloe," Jane said. She looked at Lena for the first time since they'd poured their coffee. "Hey, um, thank you. For coming. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without you, too."

"Aww, of course." Lena smiled bashfully. Jane, briefly unguarded, returned the smile. Then she looked like she was going to cry again. "Oh, babe, it's okay." Lena reached out and gave Jane's hand a light squeeze.

"How did you survive it?" said Jane, her voice cracking, before she steeled herself again. "I will never be able to forget the image of him kneeling over her, covering her with his..."

"I'm sorry, but like... that's such a cliche?"

"I know! Unbelievable."

Lena found the image hard to forget as well. It was more awkward to think about it here in front of Jane, rather than at the other end of a phone line, but that only created the risk that she might get even more turned on than she had before. She quickly put it out of her mind.

"Yeah," Lena started, "When I found out about Carl, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get through it. I didn't actually see anything... I mean I didn't see them."

"Thank God," said Jane.

"But I did see their emails, and their messages, and that was bad enough. I actually wonder if my imagination was worse than the reality."

"Oh, that's true."

"Basically the first year was hell, the second year was a haze, then I started to remember who I was."

"How old was Wanda?"

"Three."

"Jesus."

"Yeah. Thankfully he kept making the effort to be a decent dad."

"Just not a decent partner." Jane frowned. "Why do they do this? Is this just what men are like? We're not bad looking. Look at you, you're like a Scandinavian supermodel." She gestured towards Lena with an open hand.

"Oh stop," said Lena, smiling. "I don't think there are many five foot two supermodels. Anyway, you're the one guys turn to watch in the office. I remember when you started, everyone was like, who's the elf queen?"

They both laughed.

"I guess guys just get bored," said Lena.

Jane got the hundred-yard-stare again. "I wonder if he brought her here." She gestured to the rumpled cushions on the couch. "Maybe I should get that professionally cleaned."

Lena laughed, then realised with a look at Jane's still-distracted face that she wasn't joking. Jane's eyes began to well up.

"After all we've been through together, you know? We made a life. We made a kid. We shared everything. And then - poof! He's gone."

"It's so unfair on you," said Lena.

"I might actually be more upset about how absent he's been the last six months than the cheating. But it's with a friend, too, and that's just..." She trailed off.

"What are you going to do about her?"

"I don't know. I want to burn her house down, but I was that out of my head this morning and still didn't do it, so I guess I don't have the nerve."

"Were you still close?"

"Yes! That's what really gets me. I had a feeling he was seeing someone, but I didn't suspect her for a second until last weekend. And it was him that gave it away, with his awkward comment in the kitchen after he bumped into her - 'are we dating now' or something. She just shook her head and told him to get out of the kitchen. I remember thinking she'd handled it really well. And then I saw the look on his face. Guilt... and lust. Then a sick little smile as he turned and left."

"Ugh," said Lena.

"We've been friends for five years. I supported her through the worst time in her life. Now that's gone, too." She'd stopped crying and just looked drained, defeated by the shock of it all.

"Look," said Lena. "It's only 10:15 a.m. We've still got another four hours before we have to pick up the kids, and I don't think it's good for you to spend it here being reminded of everything. Let's... let's go somewhere. Let's get the next ferry to Vashon Island and take a walk around the trails there."

Jane just looked at her, grimacing.

"Come on, trust me."

"I was kind of planning on wallowing in self-pity all day," said Jane.

"Exactly! Trust me, I've been there and it sucks. Come with me instead."

Jane looked around the room: at the couch, the scattered toys, the crumbs on the kitchen bench. Then she downed the rest of her coffee and said, "Okay. You're in charge, though."

*

Lena drove. Once she'd parked on the ferry, they clambered up onto the viewing deck. It was a cloudy day, but warm. Jane's ponytail kept flying forward in the breeze so she tied it back into a loose bun. They didn't talk much on the way across, just some idle chatter about their kids, how they were doing at school, funny things they'd said lately. Mostly, they were content just to admire the view.

Once off the ferry, Lena drove to the Shingle Mill Creek walkway. They had a light backpack containing water, granola bars, and some chicken sandwiches from a diner on the main road. She had always liked the way the leaf-scattered path made so little impact on the landscape of narrow tree trunks and thick ground cover. At some points along the track, the fern had grown taller than person height.

As they set off, Lena was distracted by her underwear, which had bunched around her crotch during the drive. She badly wanted to adjust it, but she just decided to try to ignore it.

A little way along the path, Jane asked, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

Lena's heart jumped slightly, the way it always did when anyone asked that question. It hinted at so many possibilities. "Sure," she replied.

"How long did it take you to get over it?"

"That's hard." Lena thought for a moment. "It comes in stages."

"That makes sense."

"Yeah. It's really complicated, untangling yourself from someone. In some ways, Wanda made it easier, because we both had something to focus on, and we knew she was more important than us. But that also made it harder because it was impossible to properly separate. I remember when you could just delete their number and move on with your life."

"God, I can't believe how complicated I thought those early breakups were," said Jane, rolling her eyes.

"Haha, I know. Everything seems so grand in your twenties."

The sounds of their footsteps mingled with the swishing in the wind of tree branches above and the chatter of the creek below. The land around them was fresh and green. A gentle breeze blew cool air on their faces, a relief from the humidity rising from the forest floor.

"I think it was almost a year before I went a day without thinking about it. About what he'd done. I had a lot of anger." Lena looked down at the ground. "But then I started to enjoy little things again, and to see possibilities. I must have been a terrible mother to Wanda until then, I was so stuck in my own head."

"I can't imagine you being a bad mother," said Jane, turning to smile at Lena.

Lena smiled back. "Oh, honey, thank you."

Jane continued, "Actually, it's kind of nice to hear someone admit they're not perfect. Especially someone as amazing as you. The amount of time I've spent hating myself for not being good enough, you know?"

"I know," said Lena. "Not our fault, though. We're wired that way. Hey, you hungry?"

"Yeah. Haven't eaten anything today."

"Let's go down here, there's a nice spot where we can sit."

They sat opposite each other on some collected shingle, the creek coursing past them as they ate their sandwiches.

Jane said, "Can I ask another personal question? It's more personal this time."

"Ha, go for it," replied Lena.

"Okay. How long was it before you saw someone else?"

Lena laughed. "Depends what you mean by 'saw'. If you mean dating someone regularly, a year and a half. If you just mean getting under someone new, maybe two months."

"Really? Two months?" Jane looked at Lena in open-mouthed shock.

"Yep. That was quite a bit sooner than I'd expected!"

"Wow. You gotta tell me the story."

"Oh, there's not much to it. Work Christmas party. Alcohol. A mildly good-looking guy from procurements. Wanda was staying with her dad, so I took him home and did him on the couch."

"And?"

"And what?"

"How did it feel?"

Lena blushed slightly. "Oh, really good. More the mental release than anything physical. Like, this is okay now. I have some freedom back."

"That sounds nice," Jane said.

"It was. I, uh, may have gone on Craigslist casual encounters a few times after that."

"What!"

"I know. It was like I had access to my body again, and I wanted to use it while I could. So, for the next couple months, every weekend Wanda went to her dad's, I hooked up with someone." Lena smiled bashfully, embarrassed by the admission but aroused at the memory. Her underwear continued to fold against her genitals, leading her to recall the more intense moments of that episode in her life.

Jane looked at the water rushing past for a minute. The thought of Lena pursuing her own pleasure like that made her feel electric. She couldn't help imagining all the things Lena might have done - what her thin pink lips might have touched, what her green eyes might have seen.

"What a time that must have been," she said finally.

"Mmm. A strange time in my life. I really compartmentalized it, you know? I approached it as research - into what I liked, and how to manage those sorts of interactions. I didn't have that much experience before Kyle so it was, um, quite eye-opening. Luckily I never had anything worse than just bad sex, and when it was good, it was... really good. It wound up being really positive for me. But it ran its course eventually. I got what I needed, and then I stopped."

"Well, I'm scandalized," said Jane in mock, open-mouthed shock, suppressing her urge to dig deeper into the details of Lena's sexual escapades.

"Phew, I need water after telling you that." Lena swigged from a bottle and held it out for Jane. "You should drink something, too."

Jane's fingers brushed Lena's as she took the bottle. She stared absently at Lena as she took a gulp, focusing on the smooth cupid's bow on her upper lip. Then she realised Lena was looking at her strangely, so she looked down at the running water.

"Sorry, I was somewhere else," said Jane.

"It's okay," said Lena. "That's to be expected."

"Mmm." Jane's brow furrowed slightly. "You know, this morning feels like weeks ago. I actually forgot about it for a while there."

"Well, you're doing great, then."

"You were right," said Jane, looking up at Lena with a smile. "This was a good idea. Thank you."

"I'm just happy to be here," said Lena, brushing off the appreciation.

"Really, though." Jane knew she was about to cry again, but she couldn't hold it back. "You don't know what I..."

She sobbed, loudly. Lena came to sit beside her and hugged her tightly from the side. "Oh, babe, I know. I know. And I mean it, there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Jane leaned into Lena and let herself go limp. The crying quickly stopped, replaced by the sound of their inhaling and exhaling, which Lena heard as one amplified sound. She was reminded of the theory that says women who spend a lot of time together start to have their period at the same time each month, which she'd recently heard was bullshit: still, the idea of female bodies in sync appealed to her. Jane's usually rigid form felt soft in her arms; pliable, trusting. They stayed that way for a lot longer than either of them expected.

Then they got up. Jane washed her face in water from the creek. On the way back to the car, they talked about hiking and how satisfying it was to have the forest floor under your feet, and how they both wished they did it more.

*

Back on the ferry, they sat on some uncomfortable seats in the centre of the open deck. Again, the view seemed to distract them from conversation, so they spent much of the trip just looking and thinking.

About ten minutes into the journey, Jane stood and walked the few steps to the edge of the deck to get a better view. Lena watched her lean against the rail, her elongated figure slim and elegant in half-silhouette against the grey cloud behind her. Her eyes drifted up and down Jane's body, following her thin legs down to her sneakers and back up to her ass. She unconsciously imagined running a finger up and down Jane's right buttock - a kind of internal Tourette's that became steadily more difficult to ignore as her gaze lingered on her lower back, her waist, the back of her neck.