Fifth Place

"That brings up one final item. Somebody has to tell the kids I'm not their biological father."

She had been relaxed up until now. Suddenly, she had a look of panic.

"Not now," I said. "But they're going to need to know for medical reasons at some point. I think that's your responsibility."

"That sucks. The worst part is that I have no one to blame but me."

"They'll want to know if I know. And they'll want to know if I love them. I hope the answer to the first question will make the answer to the second question obvious. I'm sure they'll come ask me too."

"I'm ..." She rocked her head from side to side. "Move on," she said, more to herself than me.

So I crafted probably the most bizarre, contradictory, agreement in the history of divorce. I denied biological paternity but asserted de facto paternity. Don't ask me. I think the most likely response of a court having to interpret this thing would be to beg us to go settle it on our own. She admitted that the children were not mine biologically, but agreed that I was the father de facto. Based on that, we agreed on joint custody. That way, at least if she went to court for an increase, my liability would be lowered. That was justified in the agreement by the de facto paternity which also gave me the right to pursue full custody if future circumstances warranted.

If we ever decided to fight out the agreement in court, the decision would become a standard part of the family law curriculum in every law school in the country, even in Louisiana.

Chapter 10

In addition to being very good at reading people, Karen was an excellent therapist. No, she didn't act as my therapist for anything in our relationship. That might have been unethical and certainly would have been a bad idea. But she did help me with my understanding of revenge.

The thought of carrying out some fiendish, painful revenge on the two live sperm donors was very satisfying as was the thought of making Betty pay.

"Suppose you could humiliate her thoroughly. Imagine a party with all her family and friends where you could play a video of her betrayal. You could somehow get the scenes of her lying to you. You could show her base, selfish behavior. You could recreate any part of the whole situation that would make them find her despicable. Imagine their treatment of her; her isolation; her constant reflection on how evil she's been and the pain it causes her."

"Okay, stop. You've gone too far." I shook my head. "The picture was feeling pretty good until you isolated her. I had friends, family. I couldn't talk about it, but I could do something. It sucked, but I wasn't completely powerless."

"Alright. Let's go back to where they are appalled by her behavior. How does that feel?"

"Pretty satisfying."

"Okay, now move on. Think about our life. How does that make you feel?"

I smiled and reached for her. "Fantastic."

Karen pushed me away. "Is our life that good because you've been able to punish her enough?"

Okay, this was not fun. My thoughts tumbled out. "It's, got nothing to do with us. Having her, shit. I have you. It's, completely independent. If nothing happens to her, I still have you. I don't love her. I don't like her."

"Speak up. You're mumbling. I can't understand some of what you're saying."

"I'm thinking out loud. What difference does it make to me what happens to Betty? I mean, aside from how it affects the kids, if she's miserable, I'm blissful with you. If she's happy, I'm still blissful with you." I looked her in the eyes. "What does it make me if some of my satisfaction with life and with you depends on screwing up her life?"

She took a good twenty seconds before speaking. "I hope you aren't expecting an answer. I'm the therapist. We only ask questions. Leading questions perhaps, but questions nonetheless."

I thought for a while. "I think it makes me someone I wouldn't be proud to be. Still, it feels wrong to just let her get away with all that."

"Has she gotten away with it? Has it cost her anything at all?"

I was still looking uneasy. "So am I powerless? How can I just let stuff happen to me and feel like a, man?"

She gave me a very warm smile. "My macho guy." Karen checked her watch. "So, how much time do you have before you have to make this decision?"

I laughed. "Point taken."

"By the way, are you still with her? Is there anything going on to change the state of your marriage and your relationship? Do you come home to her? Does she get to take you into her bed? Will you be comforting her when she is troubled? Is she going to have any of your children?"

"Rhetorical questions suck. Not only do you have answers to them, you have the right answers."

Karen did me the courtesy of not giving me a knowing smile. "What about the guys?"

"They should be punished. But, all they did was take advantage of an opportunity, knowing what they were doing was wrong. It would be worse if they had pursued her. That still doesn't make it right or alright. If nothing happens to them, my life 'would still smell as sweet.'"

"Thanks, Juliet. So, do you have to do anything about them?"

"I still think so. I'd like to do something that makes them remember and regret participating. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, but I would feel a sense of injustice if they just walked away."

"So think of something," she said.

"My God, you made a suggestion. Not exactly a concrete plan, but it's good to know that you aren't limited to asking questions. In this context," I was quick to add.

My appreciation of what I needed and how I would feel in the various circumstances allowed me to come to the accommodation with Betty with relative ease. It also made it easy to get her cooperation in signing related documents I could take to the live sperm donors, though I didn't phrase it that way to her. It was clear that she would have a lot of pain and regret without any further contribution from me.

Chapter 11

"He says he's too busy to see you."

"That's not a problem for me. Tell him I'll be at his house tonight to discuss the matter with his wife whether he's there or not. Goodbye."

She relayed the message as I turned and walked toward the door.

"Wait! He didn't realize he had an appointment cancel. He can see you now."

I almost laughed. He didn't know how important to me it was to protect the kids. Could I do a sufficient acting job to fool him? Hell, I had convinced Russian black marketeers that I was a terrorist desperate for some enriched uranium and I hid from Betty my knowledge of her treachery for all those years.

He nodded toward a chair and I sat. Neither of us offered a hand.

"My soon to be ex-wife tells me you generously donated the sperm to create Harry. In fact, I have an affidavit from her to that effect with DNA results from Harry and me. All we need is yours to confirm it."

He sputtered. There wasn't much point in denying it so he waited for me to continue.

"I didn't bring an invitation to his birthday party for you and your wife, but I can get you one if you'd like. No?"

"What do you want?"

"First, an admission that you are his biological father, which nobody else will see if you agree to and follow the other terms." He waited for the other terms. "Second, notwithstanding that, you will never take any legal action to establish that paternity, seek visitation or custody or any say whatsoever in his life." He smirked. "I take it that is not a problem." No response.

"Finally, you will make support payments to me, that will help you explain it away, but you won't deduct them. Support payments are taxable." He was scowling. "They will be calculated based on the support schedule in the Rules of Civil Procedure. They will continue until the latter of graduation from high school or Harry reaching eighteen."

He maintained the scowl. I was stone-faced.

"And what if I don't agree?"

I smiled. "I'll contest paternity. I'll file naming you as the father. Betty will file for support. I'll file asking for reimbursement of past support based on fraud. I'll file a separate civil law suit for destroying my marriage."

He had that 'aha' look on his face. "There is no longer an action for Alienation of Affections." He said it as if he was announcing a Royal Flush.

"You knew she was married. It will be Negligent and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. Also, marriage is a contract. I'll add Tortious Interference with Contract." I said it as unemotionally as I would have told him I was going to blow my nose. I looked him straight in the eyes, challenging him to disbelieve me.

He didn't. He seemed to get smaller before my eyes. "And if I agree?"

"I'll eat the back support."

"Nobody will know?"

"Nobody will know."

All the fight went out of him. He nodded.

"I just happen to have the agreement with me. Do you have a notary?"

The confrontation with the other donor was along similar lines. He squirmed like a fish trying to get off the hook, but was convinced by my steel hard eyes. The look was easy to accomplish. All I had to do was think about what he and Betty had done.

Chapter 12

Cooperation between Betty and I continued without a hitch. Each time I saw her, I could see a sadness in her eyes and it gave me a little satisfaction. It also gave me a little dissatisfaction with myself that I could enjoy her suffering. But each time a strength and determination to recover from her self-made unhappiness also showed in her. It gave me a little satisfaction that I was happy to see her on the path to recovery. It also gave me a little dissatisfaction that I could have any empathy with her situation. Basically, the whole thing generated a lot of ambivalence.

But that's how life is, isn't it? So little is clear and the consequences of some actions taken or not taken are rarely what we expect. All you can do is the best you can.

Karen was getting pretty close and was not as spry as she had been. Our sex life was completely devoid of acrobatics. But then, acrobatics are overrated, especially for those of us who are not acrobats.

I answered the doorbell and Betty was there smiling broadly. I invited her in. The women exchanged greetings, though Karen didn't get up.

Betty lifted a piece of paper and shook it at us. "I begged, wheedled and called in favors and got in to see our judge. He signed the decree. If you guys are still interested, you can get married now."

All right, with this notice it wasn't going to be the big wedding that Karen, like almost every other girl, had dreamed of. We could do that later. But, it would be before our baby was born. I know it's not that big a deal these days and we had agreed originally to have it long before we were married. But the announcement brought a smile to Karen's face. "Let's do it," she said.

I went to the phone and called a judge I knew. I came in contact with lots of them in my work and even counted a few among my friends. She was happy to be involved. As we were discussing the date and time I heard Karen tell me, "Get off the damn phone!" I turned and gave her a quizzical look.

Betty was helping her from her chair. "Let's go have this baby" said Karen.

Lisa heard this over the phone and asked what hospital.

We drove in Betty's car. It was bigger than mine.

Lisa was waiting for us at admitting.

I recall some of the conversation, but I desperately wish I'd had a camera to catch it.

"Do you take this man as your lawful, wedded husband?" Lisa asked.

"Who is your carrier?" asked the nurse at the desk.

"Personal Choice," I answered.

"I need an answer," said Lisa.

Karen hesitated. "Uh, just trying to recall the question. Yes, I do."

"Membership number?" requested the nurse.

"And do you take this woman as your lawful, wedded wife?"

"Do you need the group as well?" I asked.

"Just one wife, one husband is how this works," said Lisa.

"I need them both," said the nurse.

"I need an answer," said Lisa.

"Yes, I do. Which part is the group?"

"Does anyone know of any reason these two should not be wed?" asked Lisa.

"Yes," said the nurse. "I need this information and we have to get her up there right now or we're going to have a hell of a mess."

"Then ask your damn questions while she's on the way up. You," I pointed at the nurse, "not you." I pointed at Lisa. "Does anybody else object?" I asked with not a little trace of annoyance in my voice.

Nobody did. "Good, let's get this show on the road," I said.

The whole group moved with me as I wheeled Karen to the elevator.

"By the power invested in me by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you man and wife."

"I'm sorry, sir, you can't go with her unless you have proof you're related. We have rules," said the nurse.

Chapter 13

Karen was very close. This baby would not be spending much more time inside her.

"I thought I was going to piss myself I was laughing so hard when Randy asked Lisa to have that 'officious functionary' taken into custody for contempt of marriage. The look on the nurse's face when Lisa started with, 'Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to have you taken into custody.' All of the pain was gone for those few moments." Karen was recounting the events leading up to Alexander's birth. "And," she patted my hand, "he was so helpful, mom."

Did I detect a tone of condescension?

"He told me to take slow, deep breaths. And what did I tell you, Randy?"

"She told me I could demonstrate the process as soon as she punched me in the nuts."

My mother howled. She loved Karen and was delighted to be called 'mom.'

"But you're doing it now," I said.

"Sure, after taking all the yoga. And don't forget the epidural."

Things were quite a bit less hectic than with our first.

Karen's doctor told us it was time. I tilted my head questioningly.

"It's just a baby," Karen said. "We're not politically correct. Go with the family."

Earlier we had agreed it was entirely her call. I was happy to do whatever she preferred, and she knew it.

My mother and I headed to the waiting room.

My father was reading the paper. He glanced up. Mom shook her head and he went back to the paper.

Betty had Alexander in her lap. She had a wistful look on her face. Her three kids rushed up to grab me, each calling out, "Daddy."

Harry asked, "Did Mommy Two have her baby?" I saw Betty flinch.

"She's having it now," I told him.

'Mommy Two' developed quickly and naturally. The kids were at our house quite a bit. They discovered what I had: Karen's heart was a boundless wellspring of love that was fully available to them. She was married to daddy. "Mommy is Mommy," explained seven-year-old Nancy, "so Alexander's mommy is like a second mommy. So Mommy is Mommy One and Alexander's mommy is Mommy Two." There was not a trace of doubt in her voice, there rarely was. She was just explaining the order of the universe to her daddy. As always, at the end of such an explanation, there was either the implied, or the actual, "Right, Daddy?" And, as always, I gave the expected response of either, "That's right," or "Very good."

Hearing this name made Betty pretty upset in the beginning. She ripped into me later until I was able to explain its derivation. Hearing her children tell her how wonderful Karen was moved Betty to subconsciously compete for their affection. It was never in doubt, she was their mother, but both Betty and the children were the better for her extra effort.

The children loved their "half" brother Alexander and were excitedly looking forward to their new baby. Less than an hour later a nurse came out to get me and I was able to tell the family that Melinda had arrived healthy.

Karen was drifting in and out of sleep. She opened her eyes, smiled and said, "You have the look. It has nothing to do with the baby, does it?"

"Nothing at all."

I was consumed with love for this spectacular woman. I reveled in it. There was no happiness or success I did not want for her. I would do anything to assure that. That was the look. Fortunately for me, she too had the look.

We discussed the meaning of the look, when she discovered I had intervened, though she called it meddling, on her behalf with a member of her department. To say she was angry was to call a hurricane a zephyr.

Fool that she was, Karen told me everything. She was unhappy because her advancement was being blocked by Harrison Cartwright. I thought the name was synonymous with constipation. I could have sworn that he was constipated each time I met him at some function. Karen told me about him because she wanted my love and support, which I gladly gave her. But, I'm a guy. I see a problem, I want to fix the problem.

No, I didn't break in. Well, not to his house. His email was another matter. I may have had access to his computer as well. I asked questions, gathered information, and based on what I learned I followed him discretely on several occasions.

"You're Karen's husband, aren't you? Uh,"

"Randall," I said. "But my friends call me Randy."

"Randy," he said.

"Call me Randall." I didn't say it in a joking voice. "You're Harrison Cartwright, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am."

"Funny, I heard something about a Harry Cartwright. But that couldn't be you. You're too formal to use Harry, aren't you?"

"Uh, yes." He was starting to fidget and sweat. He was looking for a way to escape me.

"Yeah, this Harry guy, seems he's been having an affair with one of the young department secretaries. I didn't catch his department. Anyway, I hear the guy has a battle axe of a wife. She would rip him a new asshole if she ever found out."

Harrison coughed and sputtered and his face was turning red.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I should never have said that. I can see it upset you. I should have said anus instead of asshole." I smiled at him. "Sorry," I said with all the sincerity I could obviously fake. "Just imagine the shit that would hit the fan if his department found out. I'm sorry, there I go, not thinking again. I should have said excrement."

There was panic in his eyes so I remained silent for a while to let him have the complete experience.

Finally I said, "But, I'm sure that will never happen. After all, who could possibly have a motive for revealing his secret? I'm sure he's a fair man. Oh, well, I guess I shouldn't engage in idle gossip. It's been nice chatting with you, but I've left my wife on her own for too long." I reached out and firmly shook his clammy hand.

At twenty nine Karen became a full professor. There was another party.

As we approached Harrison, there was a look of fear on his face and he practically ran to get away from us. It didn't take Karen long to figure it out.

"I'm going to get myself something to drink. Do you want anything?" I asked. I turned to move to the bar but she didn't let go of my arm.

"What did you do?" she asked.

"Do?" I can fake confusion with the rest of them.

"That's just like lying. What did you do to him?"

"I may have -"

She cut me off. "May have?"

"I told him some information I stumbled across about a guy named Harry."

"Stumbled across?" She was getting increasingly agitated.

"Yes, I stumbled across it while trying to get other damaging information about him."

She made a little snort, trying to suppress a laugh. It helped me but she was still angry. "I earned this professorship on my own. When you interfere like that, you take away a little of my accomplishment. When you give me something I could have achieved on my own, you cheat me out of the satisfaction of earning it myself."

"Cheat?"

"Wrong word. But you get the concept," she said.

"I just want so much for you. I want everything for you. And you had earned it. That asshole just blocked it because you're a woman."

"I would have gotten it eventually."