Finding a Full Circle

Maria Santos was crying, but smiling. Miguel was just shaking his head.

"I can't believe it. It is a miracle."

"This is more than we have ever imagined."

"Well, no one deserves it more than the both of you."

***

I not seen or heard from Ann Marie in ten years. Her parents never mentioned her name. Her siblings, though I had not spoken to them often, never mentioned her name. I never thought about her. Still, seeing her for the first time felt like someone was shaking me awake from a dream. I had loved her for all my formative years and the beginning of my adult life, and now I felt nothing.

Our meeting was as random as could be. I had not done a good job in packing, selecting my favorite items to wear instead of coordinating outfits. I needed to pick up several things to remain clothed for the duration of my trip. Fortunately, a new shopping center had one of my favorite retail stores. It hadn't been here when I left town.

I had been shopping for awhile when I heard the familiar voice.

"You have great taste."

Ann Marie looked the essentially the same as I remembered. A little older, smile not quite as bright, and a couple of extra pounds. Nothing dramatic. Just an older version of the woman I married.

"Hello, Ann Marie."

"Why are you here?"

"I am shopping. You?"

"Oh, I work here. I meant why are you in town?"

"Just finishing some business and visiting some old friends."

"Oh. Was I going to make your list of friends to visit?"

"Honestly? No."

"Oh. OK. It was nice to see you, Gavin."

"You too, Ann Marie."

I thought that was going to be it. It was very awkward, but not gut wrenching. I thought it had gone better than I should have expected since I had no plans on ever seeing her again. My sense of calm was short lived, when I noticed she was working the register. She completed the sale before she spoke again.

"Gavin, how long will you be in town?"

"A few days, maybe."

"Do you think we could get together and talk just for a little while?"

"I'll think about it."

She handed me her card. I left without another word. I really had nothing to say to her. I had truly moved on. I almost didn't call.

Against my better judgment, two nights later, I found myself sitting alone in a booth of one of my favorite bars. Ann Marie and I used to meet our friends here on Friday's after work. It was comfortable enough, but not the same.

She had clearly gone all out. Her little black dress hugged her curves, which had expanded nicely with her maturity. The black pumps with four inch heels showed off her legs. She clearly had spent time on her makeup, hair and nails. If she had been a stranger, I may have even asked if I could buy her a drink. She did look good. I didn't stand as she slid into the booth across from me. She waited a few minutes before she started.

"You lied to me."

"You lied to me, first."

I knew what she was talking about. She knew what I meant. She had the courtesy to look embarrassed before she continued.

"I didn't think that you would really leave town. I was kind of hoping we would get a chance to talk."

"What would have been the point?"

"I don't know. I really don't. But I know I was not happy when you left me."

"Well, you didn't really give me a choice. So I don't feel bad about your unhappiness."

She looked mildly surprised at my tone. I wasn't being harsh just truthful.

"Gavin, I never stopped loving you, even when I was doing what I did."

I had to sigh at that. I wondered if this was the path that she would choose.

"Ann Marie, the only good thing about our divorce was that you never lied to me. Probably because I didn't give you the chance. But I am not going to sit here very long if you plan on lying to me now. What do you want anyway? Why are we sitting here? This will not change anything. What happened to us was over a long time ago."

"But you never fought for me. You just gave up on us, without even an argument. It was such a surprise. Why would you leave me without even trying? I thought you loved me."

"Well, I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that point. The way I saw it, you gave up on me. Without a word. You left me, without ever giving me a chance to fix whatever you thought was broken. I just put it on paper."

"It was a mistake, Gavin. I made a huge mistake and I'm sorry. OK?"

I had to groan at that. Our years apart had given me clarity. Apparently those same years made Ann Marie delusional.

"Bull shit."

She had a pained look on her face and her eyes were starting to tear, but everything she was saying was a lie.

"Just because things didn't work out the way you had hoped and you are having buyer's remorse doesn't mean that you get to rewrite history. Please don't insult my intelligence by acting like you cared about me."

"I did care, Gavin. I loved you. I still love you."

"Do you honestly believe that? Really?"

"It's true, Gavin."

"OK let's explore that theory. Was it you or Michael James who decided that I should be cut off from sex with my loving wife?"

She was looking me right in the eye, and for a second there was shame, but it mostly looked like she didn't want to answer and that maybe she was sorry she had started this.

"It was his."

"So your never-ending love for me not only allowed you to spread your legs for another man, but to obey his wishes even though it would clearly only hurt me?"

"Gavin, I..."

"How long did you wait before you stopped taking your birth control pills?"

"What? Well, I, uh..."

"I mean you didn't accidently get pregnant. You decided to let him knock you up. You wanted it. When were you planning on telling me that you were carrying a bastard child in the womb you had promised to me? Or were you planning on telling me you were carrying my child knowing we weren't having sex?"

She didn't even bother opening her mouth to attempt a response.

"Why aren't you with him? Where is he anyway?"

"He didn't want me. His wife found out about the baby and so did his boss at the office. His wife divorced him and he had to resign his position or he was going to get fired. He left me. I had to quit my job, too. It was too embarrassing being there with everyone knowing what had happened."

"And I should feel bad about that? Why?"

"I don't know Gavin, I really don't. I made a mistake; I got caught up in a bad thing and couldn't stop. I know I was wrong. Can't you forgive me? I love you. I died the day you left me and I have been missing you ever since that day. I wanted you to come back and give me another chance. I wanted you to give me the chance to apologize and tell you I would never do it again. I am all alone Gavin, my parents barely speak to me. My siblings don't want me around. I have no friends. I am all alone."

"Ann Marie, I did forgive you. Long ago. But there is no chance that I will ever go back to what we had. As for the rest of it, you have your bastard. It can keep you warm at night."

"That is a cruel thing to say, Gavin."

"It is no more mean spirited than the lies you are telling me."

"I am not lying, Gavin. I want another chance. It is what I have dreamed of all these years."

"That is never going to happen."

"Why Gavin? I know you love me. You said it yourself. You said you would always love me. I have always loved you. Why can't it work?"

"Two reasons. One, I am not the same man who married you. I have changed a great deal. You don't even know me anymore and I definitely don't know you, if I ever even did."

"You do know me, Gavin. I am the same person I was back then, the woman that you loved. So your first reason doesn't matter. What is the second?"

"You know Ann Marie, that is the first thing that you have said that I honestly believe. But let me talk about my second reason and then ask you a question. You wanted someone else. I let you have what you wanted without a single harsh word. Because, I loved you. Maybe, I still do in a different way. And, since the day I left you, I have gone to law school, passed the bar exam, started a new career, and built a new life. But the one thing I haven't done is had another lover. I haven't had sex with a woman since the last time we made love. So let me ask you this? How many different men have you fucked during the time you have been pining away for me and our lost love?"

Ann Marie couldn't even lift her eyes to meet mine.

"See, I knew you were telling me the truth, Ann Marie. You see, I didn't know it at the time, but the woman I loved was a lying, cheating slut. How would I ever trust you again? Why would I even want to? Tell me one reason why I would even want to let you back into my life that doesn't benefit only you. If you can do that maybe we have a chance."

She was crying quietly as I stood up to leave.

"That's what I thought. Goodbye, Ann Marie."

***

Three months later, I saw them again.

I was heading back to Omaha to finish up some business. Everything had worked out as planned. Miguel and Maria were enjoying their new home and freedom. It made my heart warm to see and talk to them when they were so happy.

The ladies weren't complaining this time just giggling and smiling as they served their customers. I was lost in my phone when I heard them shout my name.

"Mr. O'Conner!!"

"Yes? Can I help you?"

For a second I didn't recognize them. I mean I had never really met them. I didn't even know their names. I was completely at a loss when it hit me.

"Oh, yes, yes. The 'Melvin'. I am sorry I couldn't place you. I should have followed up. How did things work out?"

"Perfectly, Mr. O'Conner. We would have contacted you but we didn't even know how to begin to thank you."

"Please, it's Gavin and there is no need for thanks. I was just trying to snag a little good karma. I am just happy things worked out for you."

I took a moment to assess the two young ladies. Only one was speaking. She was a very cute brunette, with a nice smile and curly hair that fell to her shoulders. She was maybe 5' 7" and she had very curvy but healthy looking figure. Her companion had a shy look about her. She was slightly taller and much thinner. She had longer straight blonde hair. She did not look unhealthy by any means, her frame was just small and everything about her matched that. I would have thought she was afraid of me if she didn't have a small smile on her face.

Once again, they were calling for my plane to board.

"Well.....uhh, ladies that is my plane again. It was nice to see you again...ummm...I am sorry I don't know your names."

"I am Amy and this is Lydia. We're cousins."

"Well, Amy and Lydia, it was a pleasure seeing you again."

I was standing in line just about to hand my ticket to the agent when Amy came running up to me. She handed me a napkin from their coffee shop with a phone number.

"We really need to thank you properly. Call me when you get back?"

Because I was next in line to board, I just opened my mouth. Knowing me, I probably would have backed out gracefully if I had been given any time to think.

"Sure. No problem."

***

There was always a family meeting on the major holidays. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July and Cinco de Mayo all had been reasons to gather and celebrate. Asking for everyone to gather in September was a bit odd. But that is exactly what I had done. I was surprised that everyone fit in the Santos' new condo. There clearly was no room for everyone to sleep, but it was actually quite comfortable as a gathering place. Everyone was seated and staring at me. This was going to be one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Maybe they wouldn't think it was my place, I had no idea. But it felt like the right thing to do, so as Rothchild was always saying, I was 'going with my gut'.

"I wanted everyone to be here so that I only had to say this once and so that you would all get to hear it at the same time. First, I wanted to say that being treated as a full-fledged member of this family has been one of my greatest joys. Miguel and Maria, your love and support has given me strength to deal with some very unfortunate circumstances. I will always be thankful for that."

"But I also remember Ann Marie being a part of this family. She was also able to share the joy of successes and the pain of failures with this family. She cheated on me, and because of that, I was forced to make some difficult choices. But she didn't cheat on any of you. I spoke with her for the first and only time in the last ten years just a few months ago. It was one of the most painful discussions I have ever had. I had some harsh words for her and her treatment of me. But, while I may always be angry with her for her behavior, it was what she told me about all of you that made me feel ashamed. So I say this with all due respect to each and every one of you. Mr. and Mrs. Santos, please forgive my language and my hasty departure but this is something I have to say and do."

"You all need to stop being a bunch of petty assholes and you need to stop ostracizing your daughter and sister. And her daughter. And until she is back among this family, where she always should have been, I don't want anything to do with any of you. Mr. and Mrs. Santos I will not be contacting you and you shouldn't contact me until this horse shit has ended."

The shocked expressions on their faces did not leave me with much satisfaction, but with that said, I walked out on my adopted family with no real hope of ever seeing them again.

***

Life over the next year was kind of hectic on both a professional and personal level.

At the office we were moving at a pace that was sure to kill us if we kept at it too long. After almost 8 weeks of 14 hour days and back to back to back deals Rothchild had enough. One night in the conference room her let us all know it.

"That is it! I have had it! I can barely stand the sight of any of you. As of this moment we are closed. Everyone get the fuck out of here and don't come back for a week. I'll pay you for your time as long as I don't have to look at any of you."

Then he exited, stage right.

I spent my first day of mandatory exile cleaning my condo. I had forgotten I had some of the furniture that was buried under piles of papers, clothing and take out containers. I was dividing my laundry in to dry cleaning and wash piles, emptying pockets as I went. That is when I found the napkin with the number.

On the morning of my third day of exile, with a clean apartment and refreshed wardrobe, the napkin was decorating my dining room table like a centerpiece. I decided to make the call. I sounded like an idiot.

"Hello."

"Uhhh....yes....can I....um speak to Amy please."

"This is she."

"Oh...uhhh...hello Amy this is Gavin...umm...O'Conner. I was the one at the airport. I mean you gave me your number at the airport. Ahh, shit. I mean, you may remember me from the airport, you gave me your number a few weeks ago and asked me to call."

I was sure that the red glow on my face was clear as a bell on the other end of the phone line.

"Hi, Gavin of course I remember you. How could I forget?"

"Well, umm, I am sure this is too short of notice and you both probably have plans, but I was hoping that you and Lydia might be able to join me for dinner, well I guess I was hoping I could make you both dinner at my apartment and you might could tell me about how everything went with your apartment well tonight I suppose. I mean we got kicked out of the office for the week and I was getting bored. And while I am sure there were supposed to be some periods in some of those sentences somewhere, I was hoping you might be free for dinner tonight. With me. At my apartment."

She was giggling. I was humiliating myself.

"Gavin, we would love to come to dinner at your apartment and this evening will work just fine for us."

"Fantastic. Great. That's good."

"Gavin?"

"Yes."

"Can you give me your address?"

"Oh, yeah. You bet."

My humiliation was complete. I couldn't even invite a couple of people over for dinner.

***

I was much more comfortable talking to Amy and Lydia face to face, even though Lydia still wasn't talking. She was making eye contact and smiling and that was more than enough for me.

"This is a great condo, Gavin. You must love to host parties here."

My condo was pretty spectacular, not that I had much to do with it. It was the centerpiece of an underdeveloped property. Rothchild and I had been a part of restructuring the financing for the developer. The three bedroom penthouse condo just happened to be available at a below market value and I jumped at the chance to take it. I had a fantastic view of the strip and a premium bachelor pad that had basically never been used to its potential. I liked the place so much I decided to spend a little extra, but I didn't want to mention that I also owned the building.

"Actually, other than my boss you are the first visitors I have had here."

"Really? What about your girlfriend?"

"Oh, I don't have a girlfriend. I haven't even been on a date since I was divorced and that was a decade ago."

Amy and Lydia were sitting on barstools at the kitchen island drinking some wine. Amy had been asking me question after question. It felt really good to talk to someone other than my boss and coworkers. I was cooking some pasta and working on a sauce and had been chatting away. I didn't even realize I had been answering everything she asked. I guess I just felt comfortable with them. I couldn't explain it.

But then the conversation stopped. When I turned around they were both staring at me, mouths open.

"What? Did I say something to upset you? I am sorry....what did I say?"

"You haven't been on a date in 10 years, Gavin?"

"Well, no I haven't. I was studying and working and it just never came up. Is that weird?"

"Ummm....yeah."

Even Lydia was nodding her head.

"Oh, well, I guess I have never really thought about it. I guess it is a little strange. Hmm."

"I mean, Jesus, Gavin. I just can't believe that."

"Well, It's true. Dinner's ready. We should move over to the table."

Dinner was a lot of fun. There was a lot of laughter and smiles. I got to learn all about Amy and Lydia. Amy was in her senior year at the university studying hospitality management, Lydia was studying English with a minor in creative writing. I asked Lydia if I could read any of her work. Amy told me maybe. They shared a look that I couldn't read. They were both 22 and had been living together since they were 16, when Lydia's parents had been killed in a car accident. Continuing to be roommates in college just seemed like the perfect fit.

Amy said Lydia liked me and would talk to me eventually, once she got to know me better. I left it at that.

There was odd electricity in the room the entire night, though. It may have just been the wine, or my complete lack of social skills, but it almost seemed like they were both flirting with me. I privately chastised myself a couple of times for even thinking that way about the two young women who were my guests, but not too badly. Honestly, I was enjoying the attention even if it was mostly a fantasy made up in my head.

At the end of the night I got a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek from both girls. They departed with Amy saying we should get together again soon. I jokingly told them I was free for the rest of the week and they should stop by whenever they felt the urge.

I was truly surprised when they showed up the next day before lunch with a picnic basket full of food. We ate lunch on the balcony and enjoyed the day before the temperature made staying outside unbearable. Then they both left to go work.

It seemed like they really took my invitation to heart. The next night, after their classes were done, they were back with pizza, popcorn and a movie. They shared the couch while lounged in my favorite club chair.