Finding Home Ch. 04

"Tell me about this little girl."

"She has to hide, they are looking for her. They are going to hurt her again. They are trying to kill her."

"What is her name?"

"Cassy, her name is... Oh my god what are you doing to me?"

"I am trying to help you Cassy. She is not in there anymore. She is here. She is here inside your heart, inside your head. You are the little girl that was lost. You can come out of your hiding place."

Cassy's legs went limp and she sagged against him. Suddenly it seemed like a light switched on inside her head. She began to shudder as she remembered, remembered a chaotic kaleidoscope of terror and pain, hands slapping her endlessly, a hand with a coat hanger whipping her, being pushed down and kicked. It was like watching a movie, she could see herself clearly, a tiny fragile blond doll, but the other actors were dark and unfocused. She was horrified to see that throughout all the memories that the little blond haired girl never once cried or screamed or tried to fend off a blow.

Cassy heard the deep grinding grief in her voice, "How could they do that to her? How could they hurt me like that? I was just a baby."

"It wasn't your fault Cassy. They were evil angry hurtful people. They were punished for hurting you. They went to jail for a really long time."

"You knew?"

"After our session yesterday I did some research and found some newspaper articles. If you want to sign some releases of information we could probably get some more information from the treatment center you were at."

"I think I want to know."

"No body else is in the kitchen. I think we can break the dress rules this time. I want you to drink some liquids and get some carbohydrates into your system. Then you can get dressed for the day and check your computer. You plan out your day after that. You will be getting lots of random thoughts and feelings. Just remind yourself that it was not your fault. And that was then and this is now."

Cassy apologized, "Sorry Momma, I have been losing track of time. I hope I am not too late for breakfast. I sure don't need another lecture about being too skinny."

"You love my lectures. I left out a breakfast for you. Late girls get whats served and like it."

Cassy sat down and looked at the two hardboiled eggs, cold toast and tall glass of orange juice. She swallowed. She hated eggs, the yolk of hardboiled eggs made her gag. "Momma. I hate eggs. I can't eat the yellow part. Please do I have to eat the yellow part?" Cassy was a little nervous about the way her voice sounded whiny.

"Eat what you can, leave the yolks. I will pour you a glass of milk."

Milk was certainly the lesser of two evils. Cassy forced down the breakfast as fast as she could.

Once in her room she took a fast shower, just rinsing off the sweat from her run. At the computer she opened her journal. She checked what he had said about her entries of the day before. He did not write much but he did ask why she did not answer the questions about what she thought her Master had been thinking and urged her to put some thought into answering.

The Professor had left a few notes at the bottom of her journal. He told her that he was not going to post the video from their last session right away but she would have a chance to review it later in her therapy. He said he would not have time to meet with her today but would check in with her after dinner to see how she was doing.

There was a new daily assignment on her desk top. She was a little apprehensive but found it was a simple assignment asking her to list things she liked to do. He wanted her to list things she did now for enjoyment and things she had liked to do in the past that she had lost track of.

She thought to herself that this assignment wouldn't be to hard. She suspected the list was going to be depressingly short.

She knew it would take a while for her to write about this morning. She wanted to write it now while all the thoughts and feelings were fresh in her mind. She settled down at the keyboard, the words practically flying from her fingers. She had the idle thought that it was getting easier to write in her journal.

The Professor's request that she think about how her Master was feeling was not so easy. She realized that maybe it had not been an accident that she had missed this.

Her Master had always seemed a mystery to her. It felt somehow disrespectful to wonder how he felt. He had the right to feel anything he wished and it was her role to accept it. Did he miss her? Did he love her? Was he angry or sad? He never spoke of his feelings. He always seemed calm and in control of himself. He spoke little and his voice was always soft and low.

Cassy realized she did not know how he felt. She wrote this down. She wrote that she loved him, that she missed him desperately but the words did not resonate so strongly as she wrote them. She knew she had felt safe with him. She felt like if he had not found her and made her his, that she would probably be dead. She felt like she owed him her allegiance and loyalty. Rereading her entry she realized that it read like she was ambivalent about her feelings. She once more wrote that she loved him, but then had a random thought that she wasn't sure what love was. She sensed a building sense of nervousness about this whole thing and abruptly closed the window.

She stood up and paced through her room. She realized she needed to get out there. She needed to do something to get her mind to calm down. She headed down to the library. As she passed through the kitchen she stopped and asked Momma about dust rags and other cleaning stuff. "Once I start digging through those piles of books, I bet I will find a lot of dust."

"For sure baby girl, the cleaning crew comes on Monday and they won't go in there."

Momma's comment about Monday made Cassy stop and wonder, what day it was. "Momma what day of the week is it?"

"Thursday."

"Yea, Monday I got the package, Tuesday I got here, Wednesday was yesterday. Momma it seems like I have been here for weeks instead of days."

"Yes, the Professor tends to cram a lot into each of our days. It is exciting to keep up, but it can be exhausting at times too. Lets get you some cleaning rags and some dust spray. It will be nice once you organize that library. That room hardly gets used now."

Cassy threw herself into the work. She spent all morning just sorting the various types of books, magazines, and other media into piles all around the room. Her hair was coming out of her pony tail and her white blouse was smudged with dust. She had kicked off her shoes when the heels started to hurt and the bottoms of her white nylons were black and a run ran up one leg.

She tried to focus on the books but her mind kept spiraling back. Did she even know what love was? Had she ever felt it? Had anyone ever really loved her?

William walked in and stood uncertainly in the door. Cassy stopped and smiled, "These uniforms don't lend themselves to working much. I should have thought to change into my sweats. Would you like to help?"

Williams shoulders came up high around his ears and he began to rub his hands together nervously. He stuttered violently, "T... t... t... too d... d... d... d... dirty."

"Its OK. I don't mind doing it myself. I just thought it would be nice to have company. Do you think you could just stand there and maybe we could talk?"

William shrugged, "I... I... I suck at t... t... talking."

"I am not very comfortable with talking too. William have you ever been in love?"

"N... n... no."

"I have been thinking about love. I don't know if I know what it is. How does someone know they are in love?"

William looked very thoughtful and shrugged. "I... I... j... j... just figured I... I... w... w... w... would know it w... w... when it happened." The last three words came out in a rush.

Cassy nodded, "Thanks William. What time is it anyway?"

He looked at his watch, "All... almost n... noon."

"I think I will go clean up for lunch. I liked talking with you. You can't talk fast but I think it makes you think more. What you said made a lot of sense."

Cassy quickly changed into a clean uniform and checking the clock quick she decided she had enough time to start a load of laundry. Carrying down her clothes she started a quick load.

Momma was stirring a big pot of soup. "How did it go in the library?"

"Great, I got a good start. I sure got dirty. I should have put on my sweats. I hope that I didn't stain my blouse. Momma can I ask you some questions?"

"Of course, sweet girl."

"You knew your Master loved you, how did you know?"

"That is a very complicated question. The simplest answer is, he told me. He told me he loved me everyday. But anyone can say the words. Its how he showed me he loved me that made me know for sure. He took such good care of me. He put my needs before his. He did not spoil me. He did not indulge me. His strength and discipline made me a better person. Even when he would torment me I could sense the love in his heart. And god bless that man in heaven he had an evil genius to make me suffer. He knew I needed it to feel complete. I never felt so loved as when he would test me and force me to find new limits. Sweet girl that is only the tip of the iceberg but I hope that helped answer your question at least a little."

"You loved him very much."

"Without him I was nothing. I would have done anything for him. When I was apart from him I felt like a hole was in my heart. When the cancer took him away from me I nearly died. If it had not been for the Professor I probably would have."

"My master has never once told me he loved me."

"Sweet girl, its a rare man who can tell a woman his feelings. Many Masters think they would be showing weakness to use such words. Don't listen for words so much. Look at the things he does. He sent you here. To be parted from you must be agony and yet he wants you to get better and is willing to give you this. I am sure he shows his love for you in a thousand ways."

"I don't know what love feels like."

The Professors voice was soft and gentle. He was standing in the door. "Cassy you don't even know what hungry feels like." Cassy scrambled to her feet, wondering how long he had been listening to their conversation.

"You are new at learning about your feelings. You have a lifetime of trying to hide from feelings. You are a brand new baby when it comes to all this. Don't rush this. It will come. Listen to Momma. She knows love better than any of us here."

Turning to Momma, he dramatically sniffed the air. "What magic have you worked today? Something smells wonderful."

"Homemade chicken noodle soup, salad and fresh baked rolls, you hungry devil."

"If I hadn't been hungry before I would be now. Come on Cassy we can't let all this hard work go to waste." He got out two big bowls from cupboard and held them out to Momma in a beseeching manner. "Please Momma can we have some soup?"

Momma laughed and filled both bowls. "I used up the left overs from dinner last night." She got out the salad, a few different bottles of dressing and the warm loaf of bread. She set a place. "For William." She dished herself up a bowl of soup and came and sat down with them.

Cassy wondered where Windy, Acadia, and Mary was. "What about the other girls, don't they come eat lunch?"

Momma answered, "Windy takes college classes most days, Acadia has a part time job, and Mary attends a special high school."

Cassy was surprised. She somehow had assumed because she had made the agreement to not leave that no one else could to. She thought about what it would be like to go out but decided she did not want to, not even to go home to her Master. She was feeling too confused about her feelings.

The Professor sighed and pushed back his plate. "Awesome, perfectly awesome Momma. I don't deserve you. You are a magician." Turning to Cassy he said, "I have releases for you to sign. I will bring them up to your room after lunch."

Cassy nodded. "Thank you, Professor sir. How did you find out which place it was. I don't remember the name."

"There were only a couple publicly funded girls inpatient treatment facilities open during that time span. I figured you were there sometime between your fifth and tenth birthday. I have narrowed it down to just a couple of possible options. I have some favors I can call in. It won't take too long to find out what we need."

Cassy changed into sweats for the afternoon. She wasn't sure if she was going to break the rules, but it felt just stupid to do the heavy lifting and cleaning that she was facing in the library in stockings, heels and white blouse.

She finished clearing off all the shelves and dusting them working from the top down. She had the beginnings of a plan for organizing the books and began to place them back. Carefully sorting the stacks in the morning made the process of shelving them go more quickly. Cassy stacked all the out of date periodicals that were older than a year and set them aside to throw out or archive depending on what the professor wanted.

There was a big cabinet filled with games and jigsaw puzzles. Cassy smiled as she looked at the puzzles. She loved jigsaw puzzles. She could not remember when she had last done one. She carefully sorted, dusted and organized them in a more accessible stacks. She did not check them to see if games had all their pieces. She had a thought that maybe William might be able to help her with that once things were a little cleaner.

By late afternoon she had pretty much finished putting away the books on the shelves. All the stacks were gone. There were quite a few things she wasn't sure if they belonged in the library. There was a big stack of videos and music discs but no players. She wondered if the videos should be stored in the library or down in the game room where she had seen the others watching movies. Maybe the games should go downstairs too.

Cassy decided to take a break and went downstairs. She knew it was OK to wear sweats downstairs and she did not feel like changing. She finished doing her laundry. Setting the clean clothes carefully aside to keep them from wrinkling she wandered into the games area.

In a cabinet she found a bunch of videos and decided to carry down the rest from the library and organize them down here. There was no table do games or puzzles down here and she thought about asking the Professor if that would be OK for them to have one down here. She thought it would be a good idea to have a puzzle to work on if she was going to try socializing down here.

There was plenty of room in the downstairs cabinets for her to bring the games downstairs too.

Cassy was sorting the videos when Windy came down the stairs. She was wearing the black skirt and white blouse uniform of the clinic. Windy stopped and looked at her from the bottom of the stairs, "What you doing?"

"I found these videos in the library, when I was cleaning up in there. I figured they belonged down here. You just get back from school?"

"College, yea."

"What classes you taking?"

"Anatomy, physiology, and medical terminology. I want to become a nurse."

Cassy felt a pang of alarm. She sure as hell wasn't sure if she would want Windy as her nurse. "Is it hard?"

"No, the classes are easy. I always did good in school." Windy moved up to stand closer, looking over Cassy's shoulder as she organized the videos. "Ooh, I didn't know we had that one. She reached a pulled an old copy of "Gone With the Wind" off the shelf. "This used to be my favorite movie. I haven't seen it in for freakin ever."

Cassy felt Windy's hand on her back. She froze, feeling suddenly very wary. Windy began to softly stroke her back. Cassy stood and turned to face the girl, not knowing exactly how to say she didn't want to be touched. Windy smiled and stepped closer, her hand reaching to touch Cassy's face. Cassy put up her hand, pushing the caressing palm away, "Stop, please don't."

"Don't you like girls? Or is it me? Maybe you don't like me?"

"Windy, I don't know if I like you or not. You have not done much to make me like you."

"I could do something now. I am sure you would like it. I am very good at doing things people like. And you are so sweet and innocent. Your pretty big blue eyes, your caught in the headlights look of helplessness, that baby blond hair... I could eat you up pretty girl."

"Windy, it is against the rules." Cassy knew that she did not want to have sex with this woman. Windy was way too scary to be around normally. She could not imagine being in a position of being vulnerable to her.

"And you always follow the rules? I bet you are such a good girl."

Acadia and William came in to the room. Acadia spoke up, "It is a good idea to follow the rules. The Professor seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to things around here. Hey Cassy hows it going. Don't let Windy trick you into getting into trouble."

Windy laughed and backed up. "I was just joking around."

Acadia's voice was sarcastic. "Yea, just joking."

Cassy could tell the Windy was not going to try and argue with Acadia. The young black girl had an aura of toughness and strength that brooked no nonsense.

Cassy responded, "Doing pretty good. Its been a big change coming here. I guess I have been pretty depressed lately. The Professor says its because of my childhood. You go to work?"

"Yea, I volunteer part time at an outpatient drug treatment program. The Professor says it will help me with my sobriety to help others with theirs. Its OK I guess but kind of a downer sometimes. People are so stupid. I get so pissed when somebody who has been doing so good suddenly fucks up and starts using again."

"It must be discouraging."

"The worst part is when they try to get me to flush my life down the shitter with them. Seems like every user wants company, so they don't feel like such a loser."

"They offer you drugs?"

"All the time."

"It must be hard to say no."

"It is a bitch. But I have put so much work into this so far. I am damned if I am going to throw that away. The Professor has given me a reason to live. Drugs are not going to be a part of that."

"Do you want to be a drug counselor?"

"Fuck no. I hate it there. I want to be a teacher. I just need to stay clean for a year and the Professor says he will get me a scholarship."

"Wow."

"Well a year is a long time. Like they say... 'one day at a time'."

"What time is it?"

"Almost 7:00, we have an hour till dinner." Cassy spent the next hour playing pool or watching as William and Acadia played each other. Windy did not play but stood around making sarcastic comments now and then.

William was a talented player but took an frustratingly long time to select his shots. Cassy had not played pool before and was terrible. Windy could not resist making comments. Cassy did not like the way she was talking but did not have the confidence to confront her. Instead she complemented William on his skill. "You are really good. I can tell you understand the game really well. You should help me practice sometime during the day." He smiled and nodded.

"Thanks for playing. I have to go get ready for dinner." Cassy grabbed her laundry from the wash room and headed upstairs. In her room she found a stack of papers next to her computer. They were releases for three different treatment centers. She signed them all. She felt a shiver of excitement.