Finding My Way Home Ch. 05

"Hello, Jon. How've you been?"

I took in Lily's appearance as she sat and said hello. Her hair was pulled back, baring her beautiful pale neck. She had a nice slim neck that looked delicate and delectable and she had dressed it in a small strand of pearls. She was wearing just enough makeup to accent her beautiful cheekbones and eyes. Her dress was a nice black dress with thin straps and it came down to about her knees. She looked wonderful -- and I hated that I couldn't get her out of my mind. "I'm okay."

She looked down at her hands and over at her date. "I can't talk long. My date will be getting antsy." She looked back at me, staring into my eyes. "I just want you to know that I really do forgive you. You don't have to avoid me or my café. I like you Jon."

I could have fallen into those eyes. They always mesmerized me and I could feel their pull and attraction. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, and make love to her again. But I was still unable to forgive myself. "Thanks, Lily. I always liked you. I just don't think it's in the cards for us."

"What's not in the cards? We can't even say hello? You can't even stop by and visit my café for lunch? No, I don't buy it. You are not over what happened between us. I just want to say that I am. I'm over it. I want to move forward and stop dwelling in the past. I want you to do the same. Even if we never have a date, I want you to know that I will always be your friend. Is that okay, Jon?" She reached out and put her hand on top of mine. I flinched and felt the warmth of it.

I looked up at her and she was smiling, but she had this sad look on her face, like she had just lost a friend, and I thought it might be me. I tried to smile, but couldn't. "I would like to think that we are still friends. I just need some more time."

"Okay, Jon. Just stop by any time."

I looked over my shoulder. "And it looks like you are dating again, anyway."

Lily smiled. "It's nothing. Just a first date. You know me on first dates. Besides, you are the one who told me I needed this." She then grinned at me and it looked brighter than I had seen in a long time. "But if it will make you jealous, I'll fawn over him."

I tried to smile at her attempt at teasing me, but I know she saw through it. "It's your date, Lily. Do what you want."

She looked at me sadly and put her hand on my shoulder. "See you later, Jon -- I hope." She left and returned to her date.

Diane sat back down as soon as she left. "So, was that okay?"

"Yeah, fine." I stared into my drink, not paying much attention to Diane as I thought of my history with Lily.

"So, there's some history there and you're not over it."

"What?" I looked up, finally paying attention to her and getting Lily out of my mind.

"Nothing. Just making an observation about how you were miles away and didn't want to talk about her when I asked that question."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I can see she's hung up on you."

I looked up quickly. "What?"

"When I spoke to her, I could tell she was hung up on you. She would rather be sitting here with you than her date, and she jumped at the chance to talk to you. I guess that's why she was staring at you and ignoring her date."

"Oh, yeah. Well, I was hung up on her in high school, but that was years ago." About that time the waiter came by and I asked for a scotch -- a double. I was going to do this drunk right.

"Scotch, huh? Do you want some company while you drown your sorrows?"

"I just feel like drinking. I'm not drowning my sorrows. What are you talking about?"

She looked around and spoke jokingly. "Do I look like I just lost 50 points off my IQ? I thought that you respected me, but if you think I'll believe that, then I'll have to reevaluate."

I rolled my eyes and tried to look entertained. "Okay, okay. So I had a thing for her. It was over long ago and we can't get back there now."

"Okay, got it." She waved the waiter over and ordered a scotch as well.

"You, too?"

"Well, my fiancé is going to be working late and won't get home for a couple of hours. We live in an apartment just down the street, so drink to your heart's content. We have a couch that is very comfortable."

"Thanks." The waiter returned with my scotch and then hers. I held mine up and said a little too bitterly. "To ex-girlfriends."

She shook her head. "I'm not drinking to that sarcastic toast. How about this? To true love."

I groaned. "Shit, I have a hopeless romantic on my hands."

"Yes, you do. I think you are, too, from the conversations we've had. Don't deny it, Jon. You are, too, aren't you?"

"Yeah, whatever." I finished off my first scotch and waved to the waiter for another one. Diane just shook her head.

We traded more barbs and I finished 5 scotches by the time Lily and her date were ordering dessert. I had gotten well along toward my drunk after six beers and five double scotches. Diane said it was time to go so we paid and I stood up, albeit shakily. She helped me to the door and down the street to her apartment. We stumbled in and I was slightly aware of my surroundings at this point. She put me down in an easy chair, and I could barely make out that she was pulling out a couch with a hide-a-bed. Things were definitely getting a little fuzzy. She was talking into her phone, but I couldn't make it out. I was very tired and the drunkenness was making me pass out. I leaned back and smiled. I was dozing off when I felt someone help me out of my jacket, shirt, shoes, socks and pants, leaving me in my boxers. They lay me down and covered me up. I fell fast asleep.

16 March 2010

I woke about 6am, having to go to the bathroom -- badly. I slowly rose and looked around. It was dark still, but I saw a night light coming from the hallway. I walked that direction and found that there was indeed a small light in the bathroom off the hallway. I went in and peed for about a minute. I had way too much liquid in me. It's funny how you can consume all those liquids, but get dehydrated. I washed my hands and headed back to the couch. When I got in there, I noticed that there was a human lump under there on the other side. That was odd. I couldn't remember anything about getting onto the couch or how I got down to my boxers, and I couldn't understand why someone would be covered up with me on the fold out couch. Shit, I hope it wasn't Diane. The last thing I needed was an office romance with an engaged woman. Her fiancé was even coming home last night if I remember correctly. I went over and lifted the edge of the blanket and found myself staring at a sleeping Lily. I had an immediate flashback to the last time I woke to her pretty face. It was not a nice awakening, but she looked so peaceful lying there.

I walked around and lay back down on my side. I was too tired and hung over to do anything about it, so I just went back to sleep. The next time I woke it was very bright. Diane's apartment faced south and the morning sun was starting to come in. I looked up and found that the other side of the hide-a-bed was empty. I looked around. No sign of Lily. Was it my imagination? Was it a dream?

I sat up and my head reminded me that I wasn't supposed to partake of alcohol in large quantities. At that moment I agreed. I stretched and heard someone in the bathroom. I waited for a few minutes and then the bathroom door opened behind me. I just sat there, trying to make the headache go away when a vision walked in front of me. It was Lily.

"Good morning, sunshine."

I grunted. She was still beautiful, and was only in her bra and panties. I stared, a little shocked, a little horny, and a lot confused.

"How about some breakfast?"

"Maybe." My voice sounded terrible. I rubbed my head. My libido was wondering what exactly she might be offering for breakfast, but my head wouldn't let me concentrate.

"Trying to drown your sorrows, Jon?"

"Yes. How did you come to be here?"

"Well, after Diane brought you home, she called my cell. I had given her my number at the restaurant, just in case, you know? So I came over to help you get comfortable and stayed."

"What about your date?"

"Ugh! Dud. Glad to have an excuse to get out of there."

"Lauren?"

"She's with grandma; her favorite person right now." She waited for something else from me. "See, you have no excuse not to take me out for breakfast after all that."

"Diane?"

"Her fiancé came in late and they are both still sleeping, I guess. Or maybe they are waiting for us to leave."

"Why are you not dressed?"

She grinned. "I didn't want to mess up my nice new dress." She looked down and ran her hands over her body. "Do you like my new lingerie set?"

I stared at her body now that she had given me the chance to look it up and down. The panties and bra were both black and had lace around the edges. The panties were full, but high cut. The bra flattered her breasts, pushing them up a little. The set flattered her -- well, fuck, everything. She looked fucking great. Shit! I had to get away from her. I just nodded. "Just a minute." I grabbed my clothes, made my way into the bathroom, and tried not to look at myself in the mirror, but couldn't help it. Oh, boy. I looked like hell. I got dressed, took a leak, washed my face and hands, and then tried to rinse my mouth a little. I felt like the Afghanistan terrain looked.

When I returned, Lily looked almost as presentable as she did last night. It stopped me for a second and I stared at her.

"What?"

"Huh?" I hadn't realized I was staring so intently.

"You were staring at me. Do I have something in my hair or on my dress?" She was running her hands over her head and looking up and down her dress.

"No. It was... I mean... well, you look beautiful."

She smiled and her smile approached half of its old radiance. "In that case, I forgive you for making me sleep in a bumpy hide-a-bed."

"What? I didn't make you do that, you did it on your own." I was not very receptive to her attempts at humor.

"I know. Just teasing."

Ugh! She was too damn playful for talking to with this hangover. "Okay, let's go eat. At least I'll try."

We left the apartment after Lily wrote a note and proceeded down the stairs.

When we got outside the sun attacked me. I couldn't open my eyes toward it and I shielded myself with my hands. "Damn! It's bright out here."

Lily took my arm. "Don't worry. I'll guide you."

Again with the playfulness. What the hell has happened in the last month? She used to be closed off to me and now she wants to talk, trade friendly banter, and what else? She offered to go out with me. Is that what I wanted? Could I do that without thinking of what I did to her? Or what happened to Cindy?

While ruminating on one of the major issues of my life, Lily guided me across the street to a small breakfast café. The main street in this town was not large, but it had several places to eat breakfast. This one was a small café with seating for only about 25 people. Lily led us over to a table in the back, thankfully away from the sunny windows and we sat down. When I looked up, I noticed that there were about 10 people in the place and they were all staring at us. I chuckled.

"What?" Lily looked up at me as she sat down.

"I just noticed everyone checking us out. You are in a cocktail dress and I'm in my clothes from last night. We look like quite a pair at this time of the morning."

She looked around and the people tried not to let on that they were looking. "Yeah, well, let 'em look. I don't care."

The waitress came by and took our order. I ordered my usual and hoped that I could eat it.

I looked up at Lily. I was still a little uncomfortable being around her. I leaned over so that not everyone could hear the conversation. "What the hell is going on, Lily? I mean we had a date, a second one went awry, you come over drunk one night and attack me, and then ignore me. Finally, after Cindy is killed, I whip you and now you are suddenly acting like a love struck schoolgirl coming after me."

She looked at me for a few seconds and then took a deep breath and let it out as a large sigh. "Look, I'm not acting like a love struck schoolgirl. It's just that, well, I was an idiot. There, is that what you wanted to hear?"

"About what?"

"About all of it. After our first date and our discussions over dinner I wanted to be with you in the worst way. I was really attracted to you, but it scared me. I wanted to protect Lauren, I had prepared myself to be a single mother, and I was still afraid of Buck and bringing a man into my life. As you can see, my past history with men was not good. I was going to tell you all this on the night that Buck was there. Unfortunately, that event scared me more than I thought it would. I tried to deny my feelings about you for a while after that, and by the time I realized my mistake, you were with Cindy. When I found out about you and Cindy I got jealous and angry. Once I realized that, I knew that I really wanted what you initially said -- just to find out if we had a chance. When you came over that day, I wanted you to hit me. I wanted you to take your anger out on me because I felt so guilty about everything; denying my feelings, being jealous, telling Buck's family and not being brave enough to call after they left. I just wanted... well, I just wanted for us to have a chance again." She paused after rushing to get all of that out. She looked up at me and tried to smile. "So. Do we have a chance again? Is there anything I can say that will convince you that I'm over that incident with the belt?"

I stared at her. "I don't know. What made you think that now was a good time?"

"Well. Please don't be angry about this, but I've been over to your house talking to your mother a few times after you left for work. We talked through all of this and she helped me understand some of what I was feeling. Then she referred me to a guy at the hospital who helped me understand my life and made me want to try to live for me again, not just for Lauren."

"My mother? And a shrink?"

"Yep!"

"And what about your mother?"

"She'll come around."

"Will she?"

She stared at her hands and then looked up at me. "Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"Why? I'm an adult. I can make my choices."

"Because she's your mother and Lauren's grandmother. She will always be there."

She smiled at me. "And she loves me, so if she sees me happy, then she'll understand."

"I wonder."

At that moment the food came and I tried to eat as much as I could. The sausage tasted wonderful and the eggs were okay. The toast went down well, too. However, the first belch that came up tasted like sausage and I stopped trying to finish it. We didn't talk much during that period and finally, after I put my fork down and pushed my plate back, Lily was ready to leave. We got the check and I paid, and then we went back to my car, which was only four blocks away at the courthouse. I was still squinting because of the sun and my head was hurting. Lily held out her hand as we approached my car.

"Here, let me. You don't look like you should be driving."

"No, I'm fine. I just need my sunglasses."

She stopped in front of me, her hand still out. "Bullshit. You shouldn't be driving at all. I just read a report about how people are almost as dangerous and apt to have an accident with a hangover as when they are drunk."

I stared and handed over my keys. "Okay, fine."

She grinned and walked around to the driver's side. We got in and she drove to her house, fiddling with my radio the entire way. We finally arrived and I felt better, but tired.

"Jon, why don't you come in for a minute. I have some Tylenol and you look like you could use it."

"No, I don't think so. I can't... I mean I don't think I can... well, I just can't."

She stared at me with those penetrating blue eyes. "Okay, Jon. You know where I live, where I work, and you know my home and cell phone numbers. When you are ready, I'm here."

I looked away from her gaze. "Okay."

She got out of the car and headed toward her house. It was probably now almost 11am and I watched as she opened her door. She turned and smiled at me and then blew me a kiss. I was shocked. She had not shown much in the way of this kind of playfulness since I had come back home. She was a like that in high school, but it was definitely new for the adult Lily that I knew. I had to figure out what I was doing with my life and the amount of alcohol I had drunk was not helping me. Could I do something about Lily or not? Could I really see myself with her after all we had been through?