Firkin & Merkin Detective Agency

I couldn't keep it up much longer and held her still while I spunked up her tight but now juicy twat. She felt the hot sperm and cried aloud wrapping her arms around my neck and almost strangling me. Slowly my dick dwindled and fell out her followed by a river of our combined cum. Bettina stopped strangling me as her convulsions mellowed and she fell back in another dead faint mumbling one last 'you bastard' but in a friendlier tone before oblivion claimed her. I was eager for more but despite nearly chewing her nipples off, she remained comatose. Bugger!! I never was turned on by necrophilia. Resignedly, I got off her glorious body and went to take a shower.

Dinner that night was a curious affair. Patsy and I shared a bottle of fabulous South African white wine while Tessa stirred her food around her plate and looked morose. June, the cook cum housekeeper bestowed glowing glances and touches to me while serving up the meal. Searching for a neutral topic I discovered that this was not Patsy's first marriage and that her background was carefully guarded. Eventually, Tessa lurched to her feet and once again I was mesmerised by the way everything inside her plain dress rolled and collided. 'She was a two dollar whore who married Daddy for his money. His money paid for the way she looks today. More tits, less arse and waist and collagen implants. Not a friggin' thing about her is normal!' She stormed out of the room.

'Well,' said Patsy, 'very nearly true. I had a good time and it cost more than two dollars. Fuck her. I've been a good mother to her for the past 10 years and all I'm copping is shit from her at the moment. I'm going to bed.' She snatched up the just opened second bottle and she too stormed off.

I was left to my own devices and considered my options. June would welcome me into her cosy bed and Bettina might protest but she would go another fuck. I knew Rose Tweedie, the gardener lived above the garage in a two bedroom apartment shared with the chauffeur, Billy he-of-the gigantic-dong Truncheon. I wondered if he was slipping her a length, or several lengths come to think of it. I made up my mind. The investigation must go on even though I hadn't actually asked any questions of June and Bettina specifically related to the thefts. I had asked questions like, 'how does that feel, darling?' – or, 'hold those tits together for me baby and tell me how my dick feels between them?' or, to Bettina, 'are you awake you randy bitch?' I grabbed a third chilling bottle of wine and two glasses and headed for the garage.

I climbed the stairs and, being the genius investigator, figured that the door with the dirty gardening boots outside must be that of Rose Tweedie. I knocked and a bronzed amazon who towered over me by six inches opened the door wearing a neck to knees flannelette nightie. Sexy or what! 'What do you want, Firkin. I was just going to bed. Got to get up early and get those fuckin' aphids before they stir.'

'I'm here to find out what you know about the items that have been stolen from your employer. Now, do I come in and we talk about it or do I drag you out of the garden tomorrow and question you in front of your employer?' She eyed the bottle of wine, licked her succulent lips and opened the door. I sidled past brushing against the protuberant mounds that pushed at the front of her unappealing nightie. The flat was lived in and the walls adorned with posters of roses, and, surprise surprise, male body builders, all of whom had one thing in common, bulging pouches. As the door closed, I saw pasted to it a large posed photo of handsomer than handsome dude, bare chested and wearing a close fitting pair of dove grey shorts. It was obvious the guy was slung because a tube the size of an English beer can was graphically outlined in those shorts. Well, well, the lady is a cockhound, the genius investigator deduced. I sat at a small two seat table, uncorked the wine and poured two glasses.

Rose sat in the other seat and drained half the glass, and watched while I topped it up.

'What thefts, Firkin?'

'Call me Peter.'

'I'll call you what I fucken well like, you ponce.'

I remembered that June had told me that she was all front. I glanced at her bulging front and considered whether she meant tits or attitude. Bearing in mind her own considerable assets, I deduced she meant attitude. Time to take the wind out her sails, and, if I played my cards right, get a good look at those sails.

'I'm, Peter Firkin of the Firkin and Merkin Detective Agency.' One eyebrow rose and she swallowed another half glass. If this kept up, I wouldn't get any myself but rule two of interrogations said something like 'get 'em pissed and they sing like sparrows.' 'Mrs. Thimble hired my agency to investigate the theft of a number of items from the house during the past three months. Having investigated most of the people here and exonerated them, I'm left with you and the chauffeur.'

'You mean Billy, that poofter fucken ponce next door. Fuck me, that's a laugh. That little cunt is too scared to steal his own shadow. Follows that frigid bitch Bettina Bucket around the house like a love sick fucken puppy.' Rose gulped another two thirds of a glass and gestured for more. The more she drank, the worse her language was getting. Rule two was coming along fine. Her mountainous chest heaved as she gasped a big sigh and closed her eyes. A single tear escaped and trickled down her tanned cheek. 'The little cunt doesn't even know I exist! And the bastard is slung like a donkey, or a horse.' She opened her eyes and glared at me. "I've seen it you know. We share a bathroom through there,' she said nodding at a door connecting the two apartments. 'I used to perve at his equipment through that keyhole until he twigged one day and hung his dressing gown over it, the big-dicked little bastard!' She took another gulp of wine and I poured the last of it into her glass.

Suddenly, she reached across the table and grabbed a fist full of shirt. 'Now hear me good, Firkin. I don't go in the house and I've been here ten years. I haven't a clue what's been stolen and I've no fucken interest either, got it?' I tried getting her super strong hand to release my shirt to no avail. Effortlessly, she lifted me off my seat and I feared for my personal safety. The genius detective strikes again. Still holding me, she grabbed my glass and down the remains. 'You're nothing but a prick and you've probably got a little pisser down there.' Still strangling me with my shirt, she reached down and grabbed hold of my todger. The disloyal bugger started to thicken up as soon as a female hand grabbed him. Of course the fact that her monumental tits were heaving up and down and her acorn sized nipples were punching out the cloth may have helped.

She sighed, somewhat regretfully I thought. 'Get ya gear off, Firkin and we'll do some fuckin', you pitiful excuse for a real man.' She was looking at the poster on the door when she said that. A cockhound. Me, one of the great lovers, reduced to nothing more than a dildo. I would have deflated along with my ego, but my treacherous dick stood rigidly to attention when she flung the nightie over her head to reveal her astounding body. Amazonian no doubt, but beautifully, firmly voluptuous – very generous breasts, a nipped in hard muscled stomach and a protruding mons clustered with bushy pubes and mounted on gorgeously sculpted legs. Man oh man, Reubens would have had a heart attack had she sat for one of his paintings. Mind you, I always thought the tits in his paintings were a bit on the small side. Come to think of it, his models were plump and nothing like the toned goddess that was currently ripping my pants off.

Rose pushed me back on the bed and straddled my thighs. I was about to be raped. I was about to be a human dildo. Was I fuck!! 'Rose, darling girl, before you jump my bones, let me tell you that my thing in life is to suck cunt, lick clits, tongue fuck twats. Please let me do that for you?' One hand clamped around my not so immodest cock, she thought for a couple of seconds. Muttering 'OK' she kneed her way up my body and planted her pudenda inches from my mouth. Keerist! Where Bettina had a mouse's ear, Rose had the Grand Canyon. The slit was framed by bulging outer lips and split for six inches at least. If I fucked this, I would need a broomstick across my arse to ensure I didn't fall in! I peeled those lips apart and a clitoris at least two inches long and conical nearly took my nose off when it suddenly exploded from the folds and erected. It even had a tiny helmet on it. Mesmerised, I eyed it while I laved the inner folds of her cunt with my randy tongue. Reaching up, I tried to grab as much of her huge breasts as my greedy hands could hold and commenced tweaking those outstanding teats. She was breathing fast with big sighs and moans that became a long groan as I latched onto her enormous clit like a starving baby. I sucked as much of the pulsing flesh into my mouth as I could, swirling by tongue around and around before finally flicking across the top of it while applying as much suction as I could.

The bitch went ballistic!! She unloaded a stream of pure pussy juice straight down my gullet and I feared death by drowning. Swallowing convulsively, I barely managed to keep up with the flow while she clamped her strong thighs around my head, keeping me still while she came with an almighty shriek of ecstasy that even I could hear although my ears were covered by her flesh. I was being used as a repository for human waste – a human toilet, a human cum bucket. My eyes started to roll up and I felt distinctly faint. She just kept cumming because my swallowing convulsions also caused me to suck the giant clit that had invaded most of my mouth. This was ultimate mouth fuck but I was the fuckee not the fucker.

Suddenly the bathroom connecting door flung open and there was Billy Truncheon wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and waving some sort of candle stick holder. The towel only reached mid thigh and from my (dis)advantage point, I could see the tennis ball-sized knob of his mighty dick protruding below. His slim body was surprisingly toned and muscular.

'What da fuck is goin' on Rose for chrissake. I nearly had a heart attack when you screamed. I thought you were being raped or killed or something.' The arm holding his weapon dropped and the war fury left his face to be replaced by bewilderment. 'You're not killing that guy, are you?'

'Shit! Almost forgot he was there.'

Oh thank you very much! Me, the great cunt licker, clit sucker, forgotten in the act of providing her with the greatest orgasm of her life. If the act of nearly being drowned by her cuntal flood hadn't already wilted my warrior, her words surely would have.

She got off me and I took the first deep breath of survival. She strode the two paces to Billy and grabbed his dick. She towered over him by at least a foot. Her football-sized tits rested on his skinny shoulders as she plastered herself to him. Her groping hand had the desired effect as the monster began to thicken and lengthen.

'Billy boy, that is some cock ya have there. And I'm going to have it. Don't even think of leaving or I'll break your scrawny neck. You've been holding out on me being stupid with that bitch Bettina. Now you'll do as I tell you and you can forget about her.'

Rose dragged him over to the bed and nudged me aside with sufficient force for me to fall on the floor. She sat down and ripped the towel off to be confronted with Billy's enormous lance now at the horizontal. His torpedo must have been at least 14" long and thick as a wine bottle. She shoved it between her torpedoes and began moving them up and down his shaft as she plastered her lips over his massive glans. Billy's eyes rolled back as his mighty cock hardened still further. A few moments more and she laid back on the bed pulling him into the welcoming cradle of her thick thighs. I had a perfect view as she dragged his cock to her gaping maw, her giant clit erect and glistening. The Great Cannon meets the Great Canyon! Once he was notched within the folds, she grabbed his tiny buttocks and literally pulled him into her, inch by inch until her cavernous cunt had engulfed the lot.

'Jeezus, Rose, what a tight pussy you have.'

'All the better to fuck you with, you horny stud. Suck my tits and make me cum you little turd. And don't stop 'til I've come a dozen times. You owe me big time for hiding this dick from me all these years. We have to make up for lost time – now get fucking.' Billy obeyed, sucking on her amazing tits and sliding his huge prick in and out of her spasming cunt picking up speed in time with her moans of ecstasy. I had my now rigid dick in my hand but instinctively knew they didn't even know I was there.

Pistoning even faster, Billy let out an almighty roar as years of unrequited lust burst from his prick in a torrent, bathing her insides with gout after gout of thick creamy sperm, until it gushed out past his tightly locked prick to pool between her jerking buttocks.

'Billy, lover!! You've done me. I'm fucked, well and truly fucked!!!!!!' Rose shrieked and hauled him tight against her heaving melons. 'You are mine, and mine alone. I'll kill that bitch if she even looks at you. Come here little big man. Let's go for round two."

I crept out, my erection dwindling as I gathered up my clothes.

* * * * *

After getting dressed I made my way back to the house and to my room. Just before I got there, the door to Patsy's bedroom opened. I pressed back into a (convenient) shady nook and watched as a young slim man carefully crept out holding his clothes in his hand. A reasonable dong hung down dripping the remnants of an ejaculation. He quickly dressed, and furtively looking around, he grabbed a figurine from a nearby table and dashed down the stairs.

Wondering, I crossed over and peered in the door. Patsy lay on her back comatose. Her knees were raised and spread allowing me a view of the crinkled frills of her hairless cunt which was oozing spunk. Her naked tits definitely owed more to the surgeon's knife than nature as they stood up like a couple of vertical towers from her chest. They had finger mark bruises on them and it was obvious she had been used rather roughly. In one hand was a mostly empty wine bottle that was slowly leaking onto the bed. Her mouth was open and she was snoring. Apart from that noise, she looked like a just fucked blow up doll. Yucky, yucky!!

Pondering the identity of the youth, I wondered if Tessa Thimble would know who he was. My earlier assumption that she had been responsible for the thefts was now in doubt. I wandered downstairs to her room and knocked gently. A slightly muffled voice bade be to come in. Opening the door, I beheld a most amazing sight. Tessa was naked and on her knees with her broad arse facing the door. A thin white vibrator was half way in her anal orifice while a large purple dildo was plunged between the fat lips of her cunt.

'Bobby? Bobby? I'm ready for you this time. Just as you wanted. Please fuck me this time. Don't leave me waiting like you have before,' she whispered rotating her magnificent behind like a cow on heat. 'Front or back, I don't mind. Just do it!!'

Being completely amoral, I had no hesitation in palming her big soft arse cheeks with one hand while stripping down with my other. In seconds, my prick was up and aimed at her like a heat seeking missile. I gently pulled the dildo out of her cunt with a wet sucking noise and just as gently slid my rampant dick in to the hilt. Despite the dildo, she was tight and hot. A few strokes and she went off like a fire cracker with a high pitched whining moan and bathed my prick with her hot love juices. May as well go the whole hog, I thought, and slowing removed the still humming vibrator from her slimy arsehole. I pushed the glans of my rigid cock into the still gaping rectum, and then, grabbing big handfuls of her fleshy hips, pulled myself in to the hilt. Glory be! Wonderful blissful sensation of hot, hot tightness. She reached under herself and commenced frigging her clit and in so doing caused her rectum to alternatively squeeze and relax on my slowly working penis. I was determined to enjoy the sensations I was feeling both physically and mentally as I fucked in and out of young Tessa's arse. Suddenly I pulled out of her clenching arse and shoved my cock back into her pulsating pussy – a few strokes there and back into her arse. Back and forth enjoying immensely the difference in texture and heat until I could stand it no more. I pulled out and fisted a rope of cum up her spine to her neck and back to her arse cheeks. Panting heavily I semi collapsed on her sending her flat on her front.

'Oh Bobby,' she moaned, 'that was truly awesome, babe. You've never done that before.' As I rolled sideways, she rolled too and caught sight of me and shrieked. 'You're not Bobby. You're that swine Firkin!'

'I may be a swine, darling, but I've just experienced probably the best fuck of my life. You are something, girl.'

Her furious eyes softened and she cast her eyes down to my half hard slimy prick. 'Well, I might forgive you if you let me clean that enormous cock for you.' So saying, she rolled over onto her knees allowing me a sensational view of her huge melons rolling, swaying and elongating as she swooped on my hardening prick. Grabbing just under the helmet, she tongued all of our combined juices from my balls and below to my puckered anus. Using long slurps, she did the same for my erection until she took the top third into her mouth and sucked the remnants of my jism from me.

'Jeepers, Firkin, you taste nice. How about a tit wank and you give me a load of your spunk. I want it to shoot into my mouth. I just love that, but I can't get enough looking like I do.'

'Okay, you huge titted slut. Wrap those monsters around this and I'll do my best to give you what you want.'

Tessa grabbed up big handfuls of titflesh and proceeded to wrap my salami to such an extent that my knob barely made it out the top to breathe. She applied some suction when it came within reach of her pouting lips. I decided to get her to answer some questions while we enjoyed ourselves. Having just cum all over her back, I was pretty sure I'd hold out for a while at least.

'Tell me about Bobby, Tessa.'

Politely, she emptied her mouth of cock before responding with some vehemence. 'Oooh, he's such a bastard, that Bobby Dazzle. He rings me up and tells me to be ready for him just like you saw when you came in. Most times though, I wake up in the morning and the bloody batteries are dead. I've known him for just over three months and at first it was just great. If he does come, he just fucks me doggy style and then pisses off. I don't think he likes to look at my face, the bastard.'

I thought her face was fairly attractive and while she was a very big girl, she had curves in all the right places and bloody sexy with it. I told her so and she blushed and dived on my dick again while moulding her tits to the shaft.

'Is Bobby a dark haired guy about my height?'

Slurp, suck, slurp. 'Yep.'

Taking my mind off an imminent eruption, the genius detective put two and two together. Young Bobby had inveigled his way into the household by pretending to be attracted to Tessa but with the full intent of stealing. Finding Patsy semi comatose and horny had been a bonus, I guess. Mind you, how anybody would pass up a chance to fuck silicon girl instead of Tessa was beyond me. He was probably into necrophilia. Of course, if Patsy was unavailable, he had a backup, or backside up, secondary plan. No wonder Tessa had been morose the last three months.

No matter, I was about to unload big time. 'Open that gorgeous mouth sweetie, I'm about to cum big time.' I got to my knees while Tessa slid to her knees beside the bed, mouth open and tongue proffered like a sacrificial plate. Strangling my dick just below the glans and waiting for the build up of sperm, I aimed at her tonsils and let loose volley after volley, spunking to the back of her throat then laying my cock head on her tongue and wanking the final drops there. Convulsively she swallowed then slowly withdrew her tongue and swished it all around before swallowing the final result. Yummy, yummy – all the way to her tummy.