First Love: Revisited

When it first began, I was 21 years old and we had been friends for 4 years. I think in all honesty I'd always fancied you a little bit, the skater boy with a sense of humour as filthy as my own, but you had such a reputation whilst simultaneously always seeming to have a girlfriend. So we were buddies and that was that. We always made each other laugh, went on pub crawls and danced like eejits in clubs, and whenever I was down you were always there for me. We were into similar music and even went to a gig together far away in your crappy old car - a night that I've always remembered fondly.

You seemed to detest the dude I was in an on-off relationship with (and rightly so, as he turned out to be a complete prick) but only ever once said "why him and not me?" That was the only clue I had that you may have had a thing for me, too.

Then one night I had been out drinking with my best friend, and we ran into you quite by accident, and I knew you were single at that moment, as was I, and feeling emboldened by the amount of tequila in my system, I asked quite simply "So, fancy a shag?"

Your face lit up with a huge grin, but I saw that breath catch in your throat and I knew you wanted to. We made a joke of it, but "yeah", you say, you'll come to our house to "chill a while" after seeing your buddy into a cab home.

You knew where we lived, my friend and I that shared a house, so we headed back and expected you to follow us shortly afterwards. All the way home my friend was asking me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, and to make sure we were careful. We got home, my friend frantically tidying up while I went and shaved my legs for the second time that day (just in case).

When you arrived I was in my comfies; a vest and some shorts, like usual. Nothing out of the ordinary there and something you'd seen me in a million times. We all watched some crap sci-fi together for a while and finally my friend made her excuses and went to her room to sleep. I asked you if you wanted to go upstairs, and there was that smile again. Like you couldn't believe your luck, but also, like a victorious smirk of knowing.

Then suddenly, you had questions. Was I sure? This would change everything. Did I know what I was doing? How much had I had to drink that night?

I got up off the sofa and came to where you were sitting on the other sofa, I sat down, straddling you, and I put your hands on my ass and kissed you. Within a split second your hands were grabbing me and we were kissing fiercely. It felt like all the need that had built up over the years was rushing between us. I didn't need to ask you again, I got up and walked towards the stairs and you were right behind me.

It was almost shy at first, the vibe between us, but the threshold had been crossed and although it was completely alien territory, there was no going back and we both knew it. We'd been friends a long time. You were one of my favourite people. Now your hands were pulling off my clothes and I felt exposed in every possible way. It was perfect. You were the heavenly mixture of sweet and obscene, kissing me gently before quickly bending me over and smacking my ass. Confidence overtook you and you were completely in charge of me, and I loved it.

You pushed me down, licking, sucking, teasing me until I felt raw. When you started to move your kisses down my body to my breasts I almost turned inside out with pleasure. But you didn't stop, you kept going down... "I've been looking forward to this" you said and your mouth was suddenly on me in a way I'd only imagined.

You were amazing. Your tongue soon sent me over the edge and I felt so wet as the waves of orgasm rippled through me against your mouth. You started to work your way back up my body, holding my hands still that are trying to pull your hair. You moved both my wrists into your left hand, holding me down easily, and kissed me deeply, as your right hand forced its way into my wetness. I moaned into your mouth and you kissed me harder. 'Oh god', I thought to myself, 'I never want this to end'. I loved it. I loved you.

Your tongue moved from my mouth and onto my throat, and you licked and bit all down my neck to my chest.

I started to reach out for you, I wanted you inside of me right then. I found you, hard and hot in my hand. And I started to move my hand up and down, and I couldn't believe what I was doing. I got wetter at the thought of you pushing yourself into me, over and over, slamming into me as hard as you could. I couldn't wait much longer.

You sucked at my breasts, biting gently on my nipples whilst we fucked each other with our hands. I was almost embarrassed by the sounds I could hear from you fingering me roughly, but then I realised that is just how wet you had made me, and a whole fresh wave of heat flowed through me, and you forced another finger into me as you looked into my eyes and kissed me, and I came in your hand and moaned into your mouth. My muscles shook all over while I clung to your shoulders for my life. I never wanted to let go. I never wanted this to end. My hand found you again and started stroking and moving on you, you moaned low and the fire in me started to burn again. Never had I come more than twice with anyone, but I felt the sensation starting to build again. You said my name low against my throat, almost a growl, and I begged you to fuck me.

You kissed me so fiercely for a moment that I just held on, my hands on your arms while you pinned me down. It was beautiful. Your arms were so strong, and your shoulders were so broad I bit them and you moaned.

I moved underneath you and wrapped my legs around your hips, and pulled you towards me. I felt you, pressed against my opening, teasing me, just in slightly and out again, up and down and all around. My need was so intense I moaned underneath you. "Please!" I whispered in your ear, and you thrust into me with such force that the breath was almost knocked out of me. I scratched your back, I felt like I had to hold on or I would die from the sweet sting of each movement. "Oh fuck yeah" you breathed against me, and I started to move my hips and grind against you, matching your thrusts. Your moans of pleasure sent me crazy and we kissed with eyes wide open, looking into each other. We saw each other perfectly in the most real way. No pretences or guards. We were so present in the moment there were no ways of hiding anything. "I love you" I sighed, and leaned to kiss you again, but just before I got to your lips, "I love you, too" you breathed on me. My stomach flipped just hearing the words. This was bliss. Why had we not done this sooner?

I came so many times that night I was sure I was going to die at one point and I didn't care. To go that way, so high on pleasure with you on top of me, underneath me, behind me, always inside of me, and our skin together; I wouldn't have changed a thing.

We did it again in the morning, and it was the same perfect mix of sweet and obscene. The most honest. I was so sore from the night before that you moved into me slowly, and you asked me if I was ok and I almost purred, but soon we were frantic again, grinding against one another. The pain was delicious and I didn't care if I never walked again. 3 or 4 further orgasms later and you had to leave. I watched you dress and I knew that I'd never feel like that again. I think you knew it too. We kissed for a long time before you left.

Afterwards, I lay in the bath, and despite the soreness and pain, I touched myself in all the places you had been, pleasuring myself thinking about the previous evening and the morning.

I only hoped that it would happen again soon.

And it did, but it was never as intense as that first night. There always seemed to be people or problems in the way. Eventually, we drifted apart, because we wanted different things. You were not ready to grow up. And who was I to force you? Your youthful easy charm was one of the reasons I cared so much for you, and I wouldn't have wanted to stifle that.

I never forgot you or that night. We stayed friends but protected each other from our lives, never discussing relationships. One night, many years later after I'd married and had children, I saw you quite by surprise. We were both drunk and a goodbye conversation before heading home turned into a drunken confession of love. We both still felt it. After a while, a brief kiss, some tears, and we parted ways and went to our respective homes. Every time I saw you, it hurt me a little more, so I started to avoid you and I begged you never to bring our romantic past up again. It hurt not seeing you, but it hurt more seeing you and knowing I couldn't have you. We spoke on the phone occasionally, but never really about anything of consequence. I saw you randomly, but we maintained our distance.

This time around, it all started with a cancer scare. I had it, the Doc said. I required an operation to determine how badly and to attempt to remove it. I worried that I was going to die. Suddenly, my brain was full of regrets and things that needed to be said just in case the worse should happen. You were in my thoughts constantly.

So I confessed to you.

The feelings and desire tumbled from my mouth one night after we'd arranged a meeting for a drink with a mutual friend, and they had gone to get a drink, and you kissed me. I didn't know if it was to silence me or because you couldn't hold back. Either way, I was glad. It's like the years between us just fell away.

We were both so different now. But this thing between us couldn't be denied any more. I was embracing the carpe diem lifestyle in fear of my own mortality, and we met in secret several times to exchange kisses like naughty teenagers. You were grateful, you said, for the opportunity to finally say things I had forbidden you from saying again.

Finally, after an operation and many weeks of waiting in fear, I received some good news; all cancer had been successfully removed and I was given the go ahead to resume my sex life. All I could think about was telling you. And those thoughts came before telling my husband.

One night soon after, you drove us into the middle of nowhere just so I could see lots of stars. It was beautiful. We were in the dark countryside looking up at the night sky and I realised suddenly that you were staring at me and not the sky. Before I could speak, your mouth was on me. We kissed fiercely against the side of your car. The cold metal touched my skin in places where your hands had moved my clothing aside. It was so cold outside but I only felt hot. After a while your hands naturally made their way between my legs and I was so ready for you that you slid fingers into me and you moaned at how silky wet I already was. We didn't want it to be that way, we had talked about a perfect night but we both needed to let go. "Do it" I whispered in your ear and suddenly you span me around and I was bent over the car with my legs spread and my skirt hitched up, my underwear moved aside. "This won't last long" you warned and we both laughed, "I don't care!" I said back at you over my shoulder, and then you were inside me. Bang! Just like that my brain took me back 13 years and it was like we'd never been apart. We still fit together perfectly.

A few minutes of thrusting later, and the cold metal of the car against my skin; I was close. "I'm going to come!" I gasped and you drove into me harder, faster, growling my name under your breath. I loved hearing you say my name that way. We came together and I squeezed my eyes shut as my legs almost buckled beneath me from the strength of the orgasm, I saw colours explode behind my eyelids and you collapsed over me, feathering my hair with kisses. "I love you" you said, again as if no time had passed, "I love you, too" I sighed contentedly. I never wanted to leave you again.

But reality hit me on the drive home. I had just cheated on my husband. The man that had promised me everything you couldn't. The man I had children with. The man I married and promised my life to.

We parted ways at the end of my street, and I walked to my home slowly as tears streamed down my face. How could I have done this? As soon as I got into the house I went straight to shower. I was in there a while, letting the water beat my tears away. I went to bed and you were on my mind as my husband rolled over and put his hands on me. I felt cheap and disgusted. My husband knew I had been cleared for sex, and after not being intimate for months, I felt compelled to. I thought of you, thought about how different you are from each other. He was so tender and loving, but you were so free and confident. I cried afterwards, quietly, into my pillow. My husband thought he might have hurt me and held me close, when in reality I'd hurt myself and I knew that things would never be the same again.

I was completely conflicted. I loved my husband, but things hadn't been right between us for a couple of years, and I was completely in love with you. We saw each other when we could, stealing kisses. We spoke lots throughout the day via email / text. Then one day, my husband announced he had the opportunity to go on a field trip as part of his degree. It was the opportunity of a lifetime and I encouraged him to go for it.

When I told you, we knew that this was it. This was our chance for the perfect night we had talked about. We booked a hotel room, and the children were sorted at a sleepover. We had our ups and downs in the interim period when one or both of us had a panic over what we were doing. But we couldn't help ourselves. "It's always been you" you said to me, and my heart swelled. How could this possibly be wrong?

The weeks dragged by but suddenly it was time.

The hotel was half an hour away, and we travelled there like a pair of spies, constantly looking over our shoulders.

When we got to the hotel, we went to the room supposedly to dump our bags before we headed out for lunch, but while I was still marvelling at the view from the room from the floor to ceiling windows, you stood behind me and put your hands on my shoulders and squeezed gently. And that was it, we were off. It was like lighting the fuse on a firework. Our hands were everywhere and our clothes fell in a path to the bed. It was like the first time again, you even smacked my ass and I laughed, but then you pushed me down onto the bed and flipped me over. It was like I weighed nothing to you, you were so strong. It was so refreshing being with someone who wasn't scared to use their strength or be in control.

You leaned down and kissed me, briefly, and then you were gone, down down and down, and my hands reached behind and held on to the headboard on the bed, you teased and nipped my thighs, my back was arching off the bed and I was purring like a cat.

Then you were eating me; you sucked and licked the best anyone ever has, it was so good I couldn't stop my legs from shaking and I was laughing and moaning at the same time as I came on your tongue. You had some new moves but it was still us and it was still hot and fucking amazing. You carried on until I couldn't take it anymore, my clit felt so raw and hypersensitive I begged you to stop, but you didn't, and I had to pull your hair to make your head move from between my legs. Your fingers pressed in where your tongue had been. Slowly, at first, as you teased. Then you went faster, and harder. Your hand was fucking me. I pulled your hand up and sucked your fingers, slowly, you kissed me hard and I needed you inside me. Now.

"Fuck me" I whispered, pleading.

My ankles were suddenly over your shoulders and you drove into me, slamming over and over. This was heaven. This is why I had never forgotten you. Nobody fucked me the way you do.

You slowed down, slightly, deliberately, savouring the sensations, "I love you" you said, and I never got tired of hearing it. "I love you too" I said, we kissed, hard, then soft, I could taste myself in your mouth and it drove me crazy.

I was getting close again, you pushed my legs right down so I was almost folded in half with you on top of me, it felt so much deeper and I growled. I knew my face must look ridiculous all smushed up between my own calves but I didn't care, this was glorious and I knew you were really close, too.

We fucked, hard, I could hardly breathe and I was moaning so loud I knew people must have been able to hear us but I couldn't stop. You were moaning too, and it was a sound I'd missed.

And then there it was, we came together, I held on to your shoulders again like I had in the past, they're so broad and strong I fucking loved them, and my whole body shook with the strength of my orgasm. Wave after wave rolled through me and I felt like I was going to pass out from the pleasure. I squeezed as tight as I could and I felt you emptying inside me.

My legs slid down your body onto the bed and you lay on top of me and kissed me. I moved your hair out of your face and just looked at you. You tried to roll off me and I hooked my ankles together so you couldn't and you laughed and kissed me again. Bliss.

We dozed for a little while afterwards, and then got up and had some coffee. We took turns to shower, and then snuggled on the sofa in our fluffy robes and watched TV.

I felt so safe wrapped in your arms and you were clearly comfy as you had a little snooze, but soon I felt your breathing change and you started to rub my back and shoulders. You reached round and untied the belt of my robe and pulled it open. You started to kiss the side of my neck and shoulders as your hand played with my breasts, teasing my nipples until they were hard. I started to feel the heat build between my legs and sighed with pleasure. Your hands stroked up and down my body as you nipped delicious little bites on my shoulders.

I reached behind and undid your robe too, and found you already rock hard.

In a flash you had me up on my feet and you took my robe off me completely. I felt self-conscious stood in front of you completely naked, with messy shower hair and no make-up. You sat down and started to pull me down to sit on you, I hesitated momentarily, worried I'd hurt you, but you saw my doubt and pulled me down, unconcerned. I sat with my knees either side of your thighs, put one hand on your shoulder and with the other I reached down and guided you inside me. Your eyes closed as you leaned your head back and let out a low moan. That sound. God I loved it. It gave me renewed confidence and I started to move, riding back and forth on you.

You were so huge it almost hurt but I didn't care. I was grinding against you, up and down, my hands on your shoulders, your hands all over me. A brief worry crossed my mind about any bruises you might leave as you grabbed and squeezed but I soon realised I didn't fucking care. I came soon after, sat on you that way. You held me as I shook.

You lifted me up and stood me so I was bent over the sofa, holding on to the back, you were taller than me so I had to stand on my tiptoes as you entered me which made you chuckle. I leaned forward to make it feel deeper for you and you groaned as you thrust into me. My legs were trembling, this reminded me of the night in the countryside against the car and I was enjoying every second.

I was so close to coming again, how did you do this to me? I knew you were close as well. My legs started to buckle and you held me up by my hips. Soon enough, you emptied into me with an almost roar and we collapsed onto the sofa. I couldn't move, but felt my insides twitching with every pulse of pleasure. I should die now. Surely? No one could experience this much pleasure and stay alive. Is this what life was meant to be like? "I love you so much" you whispered as you kissed my hair. My stomach did backflips. Would it always be this way? I was already thinking of ways to leave my husband. I wanted you to myself. Forever. I wanted this. You. Just you.