Flow

It was perhaps an hour later when he came back out to find his grandmother had gone, and so had most of the guests. Amelia looked at him in surprise, but her eyes seemed heavy and she smiled immediately.

"Grain! Hey. I thought you'd gone home."

He shook his head. "Sorry. I was just looking at some of the books."

"Big reader, huh?" One of the male guests asked. Grain put him at mid twenties at best.

"Bigger than me, I'm sure," Terence said. "He's been borrowing books for the last seven years, haven't you, Grain?"

"More or less," Grain answered. He looked at Amelia. "I'm going to get going. I dropped some books off. They're on the floor next to the shelves. I wasn't sure where they went."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Amelia said, raising her glass of wine. It then occurred to Grain, that Amelia was slightly intoxicated. "Are you sure you have to go?"

He nodded. "See you all some other time. Thanks for having me over."

There was a chorus of goodbyes as he left. Sometime later that night he was in his room, sitting on his large windowsill and reading when he saw the door to Amelia's house open and the guests coming out to leave. His window was open and he could just about hear that most of them were drunk and saying their goodbyes with promises to meet again soon. Once they left, Amelia and Terry looked at each other and kissed. Grain stared. There was a girl at the college at the moment who seemed very interested in him. Yet, he found himself indifferent to her, possibly because the girl was boring. Watching Amelia kiss sparked a curious string of thoughts where he wondered if he would ever be able to do that with anyone. The few girls he did not mind spending time with, were strictly close friends. That wasn't to say he hadn't thought about being more to them. He was a male after all and with that came the overwhelming rush of lust for female company, but something always stopped him even voicing those kinds of desires. They seemed empty somehow.

The Lewises broke off their kiss and went inside, holding hands. Perhaps to carry on in the bedroom. Perhaps things were getting better in their marriage. Or maybe it was just because Terry happened to be there for once. Grain glanced at his clock. It was one in the morning and he still did not feel tired. He decided to carry on reading.

Half an hour later and he saw Amelia open the door and stride out in anger, slamming her front door behind her. He half expected to see Terry opening the door behind her, but nothing happened. Amelia stood on the pavement for a moment or so, and looked up to see Grain watching. There was a slow moment where she at least acknowledged him by raising her hand briefly, but then she turned and walked down the road toward the local park. He watched her go. Bearing in mind she may have been drunk and it was late, he put his book down and with worry, quickly put a pair of shoes on and quietly walked down and left the house.

Terry still had not come out, and probably wasn't going to. The lights were off. Grain struggled for a moment, wondering if he should knock on her door to tell Terry it was not a good idea for Amelia to be out by herself. It was altogether possible Terry didn't know. Or perhaps he did and he didn't care, which seemed worse. It was likely that he was the cause of her walking out. Grain sighed and decided to head for the park.

The park itself was mostly grass, except for one path that led up a hill to a beautiful view and a couple of benches. He went straight up it and found Amelia sitting by herself, staring into space. He approached her but didn't sit down.

She looked at him. "Hi."

"So... is this one of those things where you're depressed about your age despite the fact that actually you're in a pretty good time of your life?" It was meant to be some sort of stupid opening line.

She simply smiled. "Am I?"

"You're not depressed about your birthday, are you?"

"Turning thirty? Nah..."

"Ah. So it's something else."

"Do I seem depressed?"

"Yes."

"Ah. Perhaps... Hmm."

"What?"

"Nothing." She looked down at the grass in front of her. She seemed to be swaying slightly.

Working up the courage for a few seconds beforehand, he asked her, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Perhaps because she wasn't quite sober, he was surprised to hear her say, "I'm just really... frustrated with things."

"Things at home? With Terry?"

She glanced at him, and nodded. "Just... I don't know. It doesn't matter."

"It matters."

"... He and I have been together a long time."

"Yeah? You said you met in school."

"Hmm. We got together in school. Fifteen years now."

Watching her carefully, not quite understanding why he did so, Grain asked, "And now you want to split up with him?"

There were several beats of silence while Grain suddenly became increasingly paranoid that he had overstepped his bounds. Amelia simply sat and thought about his question, before looking up at him and saying, "I don't think this is a good idea. To talk about this. Not between us." She seemed very irritated all of a sudden.

Grain felt a sudden drop in his chest. The thought of having made her feel worse tore at him a little. "Sorry. Will you at least talk about it to someone? Like, maybe your friends? I think you need to."

"That's rich coming from someone who barely talks about his feelings, or his parents or... you know.. whatever."

Grain felt like she had just slapped him sharply across the face. The sting in his chest was even worse. He didn't care that she looked up at him, her face obviously full of regret at her words. He had never expected her to be even capable of saying anything like that. It didn't hurt so much that she pointed out his reluctance to open up at times, but rather the fact she had brought his parents into it. It was a sore subject and both of them knew it. Several times in the last few years, if the subject of parents came up, he always skirted over it, a clear sign that he wanted to discuss anything except them.

Without even another word, he turned around and began walking down the hill. Amelia sighed quickly, closed her eyes and said to herself, "You bitch." Then she got up and went after him as fast as she could.

"Grain." He didn't stop. "Grain! Please!" She pleaded. He slowed a little momentarily but kept going. "Ivan! Please stop!"

This time he did. She caught up to him and stood in front of him, wanting to be sure he wouldn't just walk off again. He avoided making eye contact. She breathed deeply, wondering what it was she could say to resolve this quickly.

"Grain, I'm so--"

"I know I don't say a lot about stuff like that," Grain said suddenly. "I know I'm younger. I know I'm not as experienced or as mature. I know I'm closed off. But I'm not so young that I don't understand that these days you're hurting all the time. Or that you've been with him so long, you're terrified of the idea of leaving him and going it alone. That you can't see that being possible." He spoke in a rushed tone, surprising himself with his candour and his sudden insights. "You're not alone. You have people around you that care about you and would do what they could to help. You have people who will listen. If you let them. If you let yourself express it."

They both stood silent. She tried to make eye contact but he went on avoiding it. In a low voice full of feeling, she said, "Sometimes I forget you're still only seventeen. Everything you said about me being scared is more or less spot on. That's more than anyone else has noticed."

He didn't respond. He wasn't sure how to.

"Grain, I'm so very sorry for saying what I did."

"It's okay. I get it. You're a little drunk, you're frustrated and angry and hurting."

"That's no excuse."

"Whatever. It doesn't matter. You're forgiven."

"... Thank you."

There was another long silence. Grain felt torn between leaving and staying. Still stinging from her words he felt the need to go but being here in the night with her in the state she was, meant he wanted to be sure she was safe. He looked up at the night sky and noted the moon was out, bright and pale.

"What made you ask that?"

"Hmm?" He looked at her.

"What made you ask if I wanted to leave him?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Because you said you'd been with him a long time. It seemed... I don't know. It made me wonder if that's why you thought that. Because you wanted to split up."

"Oh."

"Maybe we should go back."

"Do you really want to?"

"Don't you?"

"I don't know. I like it out here."

Grain looked around him. They were standing halfway up the hill. He could barely see anything in the distance except for light from the lampposts of the nearby street and the dark, long grass which undulated in the strong breeze. Amelia moved off the path and sat down on the grass. She looked at him. He sat down where he was, on the path, a few feet from her. He kept his eyes on the moon the whole time while she looked down again at the grass, trying to find the right words to use.

It was easily several minutes later when she spoke again in a low voice. "I can't really speak to my friends about it. They're all people we both know, more or less. People from our school days. The ones who matter anyway. And my parents wouldn't understand, I don't think."

"You're sure of that?" He asked when she was quiet for a few seconds.

"Yes."

"Must be lonely."

"It is." She pulled out a blade of grass and tore it into a few pieces. "You are really mature, you know? Never think that counts against you."

"It's hard not to when it sets you apart from others around you."

"You think immature people grow out of it after a certain age?" There was a playful tone in her question.

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"It doesn't work like that. Not really," She responded. "I was really surprised."

"By?"

"Everything you said. I've always known you were observant but I always thought maybe I hid it really well. No one else has ever said anything like you have."

"You do hide it well. I just... I don't know. I could see it. You're not happy," Grain mumbled.

"... Sometimes I wonder if they have noticed but they're just waiting for me to mention it."

"Maybe. But if they were really your friends, they wouldn't wait."

"No. I suppose not." She tore another blade of grass from the ground. "I feel really lost at times."

Grain had no idea what to say to that. Instead he asked, "Do you think it would be better if you split up with him?"

"I don't know."

"It seems obvious to me."

"Really?"

That question sounded like more of a challenge and made him think about what he wanted to say. "Well... you're not happy with him."

She looked up at him, making him glance up and look down again at the ground. "Grain... please look at me."

"What?"

"Please look at me. I really would like it if you did. You avoid it so much."

He bit the inside of his lower lip briefly, raised his head and made eye contact. She was staring at him intently and it made him uncomfortable at first. Then slowly he grew used to it, taking in the vision of her in the moonlight. Her hair reflected the light, almost giving the impression of a soft glow, and her skin looked creamy and appealing.

"Tell me something, Grain."

It was mesmerising the way her lips shaped the words.

"Do you really think it's that simple?" She asked.

He was about to answer that yes it was, it really was, but something stopped him. Looking at her, his thoughts raced. His parents had died young. He was only nine when they did. There was no question in his mind that they loved each other immensely, even while they argued or his mother was distant and having one of her bouts of depression. Right up until the day she had attempted to kill herself, leaving his father distraught and panicking, putting her in the car to drive her to the hospital. Only for them both to get killed along the way.

There had been that connection there between them that he would never quite remember the way he wanted to, even if the concept of it was vivid. It was simply intangible, and yet it'd kept them drawn to each other.

To his surprise, he realised Amelia was nervous. It was in her eyes and the way she sat. In some ways perhaps, she was asking a lot more than just a question about her marriage. She was asking him to see something more. Maybe even help her make a decision, or give her some sort of permission. The Amelia who sat in front of him now was just completely vulnerable. He knew his answer to her question suddenly.

党No. It isn't. You've both experienced more than half your lives together. You're a part of each other. It's not simple at all," He said carefully. "And I guess something you have to decide for yourself," He added almost as an afterthought.

There was a brief touch of a smile on her lips and then she nodded lightly. He looked away at this point, beginning to feel very, very out of his depth. A moment later and she was standing in front of him, offering her hand to help him up. He took it and stood up, giving his jeans a quick wipe with his hands to shake off any imaginary stones or dirt or grass. He was about to walk when he realised she still stood where she was, and that she had her eyes on him.

"Thanks," Amelia said.

"... For?"

She shrugged. "For being my friend."

He nodded.

"Can I hug you?"

His eyes widened in surprise.

She misinterpreted it. "The thought of me hugging you scares you that much?"

He shook his head. "No. Just surprised. It just occurred to me that. Well that we never have actually..."

"You always seem so aversive to touching. I understand if you don't want to." She took a step closer. Now she was less than two feet away from him.

Maybe she was more drunk than he realised. All of a sudden, a hug seemed to be more than just a simple act of putting their arms around each other. Part of him marvelled at the fact that the idea of hugging her seemed so appealing and woke up the urge in him to move closer and simply wrap his arms around her and stay like that for as long as he could. It was nearly overwhelming. That was why he didn't do it.

"I'd rather not," He said quietly, hoping he wouldn't offend her.

If he did, she showed no sign of it. "That's fine. Come on. Let's go home."

He walked her home that night, watched her enter her house and did not go into his own for several moments to be sure she was going to stay inside. Once inside, he did not sleep all night, but instead stared at his ceiling thinking about and imagining scenarios in which Amelia would hug or touch him in ways which were not quite, but had the potential to be become something sexual. He could not allow himself to move into that realm of imagining. Not yet.

.....

He knocked on her door lightly and waited. She opened the door quickly and smiled when she saw him. Behind her, he could see several cardboard boxes laying about on the floor.

"Grain!" She came forward and took his hand to squeeze it. Her version of a hug for him.

"Hey. Uh... looks like you're busy. I can come back later."

"No! No. Come on. Come in." He followed her in as she kept talking. "I came to see you a few days ago but your grandmother said you were out. And these last few days... I'm sorry. I've just been so busy."

"It's fine. She told me you were moving."

"Yeah." She turned around to look at him once they were in the living room. "I wanted to tell you myself. Things are moving fast though."

"And a divorce?"

She nodded and took a deep breath. Grain could see the impact of the reality of that idea had not worn off yet. "Actually. We kind of started proceedings a few months ago. This whole time I've been looking for a place. Last few weeks, Terry's been living with a friend while I get everything sorted. It should be finalised very soon."

She looked the happiest he had seen her in years. It made his heart soar to see it. "How do you feel about that?" He asked.

She smiled. "Good. Grain, I'm finally... finally doing something. All it did was take me something stupid like nine years." She laughed suddenly.

He smiled in return and shrugged. "Better than not doing something for the rest of your life. Everything has its time, right?"

"Yeah... Here's hoping it'll work out."

"It will."

She grinned at him. She was wearing a simple t shirt and a pair of jeans that were loose on her legs, though not around her hips. He tried not to look, but could not help but glance at her hip area a couple of times before decided he needed to focus his attention on something else. He settled on looking at one of the boxes next to the wall. It was full of books.

"I was careful about whether I had any of your books here. There was only one," Amelia told him. She was watching him carefully. He seemed anxious about something but as usual, she found it hard to instigate any conversation about it.

"Catch-22?" Grain asked.

"Yes."

"Did you like it?"

"Very much."

"There's a sequel to it. Set thirty years or so later."

"Do you have it?"

"Yes. But it's not as good, in my opinion. Or maybe I just don't understand it in the way I'm meant to."

"Can I borrow it?"

He looked at her. "Yeah... Of course. Just..." He trailed off.

She waited for a few seconds before coming out with it. "Grain, what's wrong? You seem a little down."

"No. I'm okay. I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks. But, seriously. What is it? Please tell me."

"I'm just a little sad at the fact you're moving. Well, actually really sad. I guess it's the thought of not coming over a lot or whatever. And I don't even know where you're moving to yet." He really wanted to ask whether it meant their friendship would diminish.

It seemed as though she read between the lines however. "Grain, only a fifteen minute walk away. That's all."

"Really?"

"Really! God, have you been worried all this time?" She took a few steps closer to him. "You're my friend, Grain. We're not going to lose contact or anything. In fact, I fully expect you to visit as much as you want. Promise me you will."

"Yeah. Of course, I promise," Grain said with a relieved tone. "I guess I got paranoid. I don't know. I just thought maybe..."

Seeing the sheer relief all over his face, realising just how much he had been worrying about it, she took his hands. "You mean a lot to me. Okay? I'm not going to just disappear out of your life."

He nodded.

"I wish you'd come sooner and asked me. I can't believe you've been worrying about something so silly. Mind you, it's not as if I made the effort to come over to see you. I've missed you these past few weeks you've been away at work."

"You've been busy. It's understandable."

"Even so... Is the job over now?"

"Yeah. I'm back here for good, I think."

She smiled warmly. "I'm glad to hear that." She let go off his hands and looked around. "Actually, I was hoping you could help me move some of this stuff this weekend. I thought about hiring a van but since it's just practically down the road, I was hoping we could use your grandmother's car."

"That should be fine. She won't mind at all."

"That's great. It's going to be good. It's going to be good," She said, more to herself.

"It'll be fine."

She nodded. "Right. Will you help me with some of the packing?"

"Sure."

There were a few moments of silence and she cleared her throat. "Grain?"

"Hmm?"

"Listen, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about this. Or tell you earlier, like a few weeks ago or whatever."

"Mrs. Lewis, I wouldn't have expected you to anyway, I don't think."

"You should," Amelia said seriously. She was staring into his eyes, thinking to herself about all the times he had simply been there to give her company. And all the recent times in which she found herself thinking of him often.