Fool's Envy Ch. 03

Terry came back a couple of minutes later with two drinks and took a seat across from him. The two fidgeted as they stared blankly at each other. "Why did you want to talk today?" she finally asked, staring at her drink.

"I guess it's because of Friday," Steve answered weakly. "I couldn't have imagined running into you like that and I felt like we needed to clear the air a little."

Terry got a little defensive, "Look, you don't owe me an explanation. We're divorced and we both went out with people." She looked up at him, "You haven't talked to me in months, I just don't understand why now."

He took a deep breath, suddenly regretting the way he had avoided her. "Terry, I'm sorry that I never gave you a chance to tell me your side of things before. No matter how I felt, you were my wife and I loved you. The way I acted was wrong." He paused, watching for her reaction.

When she didn't add anything, he continued. "About the woman I was with, it wasn't a date. Karen is a friend from work who has been helping me cope with all this. When I found out about the divorce being final, I was upset so she insisted on us going out to get my mind off of it."

She looked up at him hopefully, "She's just a friend?"

Now it was Steve's turn to look at his glass. He watched it intently as it turned in his fingers. He didn't want to tell her everything, but felt she deserved his honesty.

"She was just a friend. After I saw you, I was kind of upset so we skipped dinner. Things happened after that, I didn't mean for them to, but now everything's more complicated."

Terry was silent as Steve grappled with what to say next. Finally, she spoke softly, "Mine wasn't a date either." She looked into his eyes, as if she was trying to decipher his reaction. "His parents are friends with my mom and dad. He was in town for the weekend and my mom thought I shouldn't be alone so asked me to go out with him. When I saw you, I was so embarrassed. I didn't want you to think I'd just be out dating the night the divorce went through."

"It really wasn't a date?" he asked, unsure of why he felt compelled to know.

She continued to stare at him with a determined look. "I haven't dated anyone and I'm not going to date anyone. I love you and I don't want to see anyone else. I know you don't believe me because of what I did, but it's the truth."

Steve continued to feel his guts twisting. Her pain was so obvious; it was making him extremely uncomfortable. From what he had been told he had expected her to feel like this, but it was entirely different to hear her say it.

"Terry, I don't know what to say. I didn't come here to make you feel bad; I just...I just can't seem to figure out what to do. I want to be able to move on, but I don't know how. When I saw you, I..."

She leaned forward, "You what?"

Something snapped and Steve let everything spill out. "I felt like someone stuck a knife in me and was twisting it. I saw you with him and I couldn't take it. It's the same thing as when they called me about the divorce, I thought I was going to pass out." He stopped, suddenly worried he that he was saying too much.

Terry was quiet for a minute. She never took her eyes off her drink. "Now you know how I've felt every day since you left." There was silence between them for a minute before she spoke again.

"I want you to know that I talked to my family about everything. It wasn't right for them to be upset with you just because you were too good a man to tell them what I did. I don't know what they'll do, but I made sure that Mom and Dad understood."

Steve looked at her gratefully. "Thank you. That really means a lot to me. I can live with what anyone else thinks, but their opinion is really important to me. I still don't expect to be invited to Christmas dinner."

They both laughed quietly, the sound surprising to both. Steve was caught off guard that she would do something like that, considering there was no upside for her. It was out of character for the way she had been behaving over the last few months of their marriage. It was good to see that side of her again; it made him feel something unexpected.

"Terry, I swear I'm not asking this to hurt you," Steve paused, seeing her fearful expression. He tried to give her a reassuring look before he continued; "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Can you try to tell me why you did it? I've tried everything I can think of to deal with what happened, but I still can't. I thought maybe if I understood..." he trailed off, concerned he might have pushed too far.

She thought quietly for a moment, debating what to say. Was he trying to trick her to give himself an opportunity to get even? She studied his face and decided that kind of maliciousness was beyond him. He looked like he was hurting as badly as he was the day they met in her lawyer's office.

He would never be able to understand how much his words hurt her that day. It might not have been as bad if she hadn't said every one of the same things to herself. He confirmed every hateful thing she felt about herself and what she had done. The only thing she'd been able to hold on to was the thought that he had done it too, so he couldn't judge her. When she found out he had turned Jackie down, it was utterly devastating.

"I tried to apologize to you about it for over a month and you wouldn't even return my phone calls. Would it really make any difference now?" she asked with some bitterness.

"It would to me," he said. He tried to let down his defenses, hoping she could understand how much he needed to know.

Now it was Terry's turn to let down her defenses. It didn't seem like a big gamble. Was there any way he could hurt her more than she already had been?

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. I want you to understand that I'm doing it because it's the only thing you've asked from me since you left and I would do anything to take away some of the pain I caused you." She took a deep breath, preparing herself to say things out loud that had been killing her to even think about.

"You know that Jackie and I had been teasing each other about how great our husbands were for months. It started small, but by the end, we talked about everything, even how many times we came during sex." She looked embarrassed, but was determined to not hold anything back. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she held out a slim hope that there was still some way back from this catastrophe.

"The first night I watched them, I told her that you made me have more orgasms than any other wife. She told me how spectacular Ted was and dared me to listen so I could hear for myself." She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and sniffed loudly.

"It sounds so stupid now. I would give anything for the chance to take it back. When I walked to their door, I noticed that it was open a little and I could see them in the mirror. I never even considered that she did it on purpose. Something went through me that I've never felt before. It was so dirty, so wrong and I felt like I was on fire."

"Afterwards, I came home feeling really confused. I was still turned on, so I tried to get you to have sex with me, but you were angry. It hurt so much to not be able to share how I felt with you.

A few days later, we finally made love and it was wonderful. But after you went to bed, I thought about what I saw and I couldn't stop myself from masturbating. I think that's when I knew I was really lost. It was like a drug, no matter how wrong it was, every time I saw those images all I had to do was touch myself and I came. But afterwards, I felt disgusted with myself for feeling that way." Terry stopped, unable to continue because of her sobs.

Steve couldn't stop himself from moving next to her and putting his arm around her shoulder. She gratefully accepted the gesture and put her head against his chest, finding comfort in his familiar embrace. When she gathered herself enough to continue, she pulled away from him and smiled weakly.

"I did everything I could to make it up to you without confessing. I was ashamed and wanted to feel like you were forgiving me. But when Jackie asked me to come back, I couldn't say no. It started like the time before, but they both knew I was there and asked me to come in. I almost walked away, I swear I did, but I gave in. I sat across from them and watched them while they watched me. When they were through, I was so embarrassed I ran from the house and came home."

"That's the night you woke me up with sex," Steve said, trying not to sound like he was condemning her.

Terry nodded. "It made me feel so much better about what happened to be with you that I promised myself I wouldn't go back again. I still wanted to try some of those things, but I only wanted to do them with you."

Steve looked at her, obviously confused. "So how did you get from there to wanting to have sex with Ted?"

" I already told you, it was like I was an addict. I wanted to watch them again so much and I wanted you to be there, but I was afraid you'd say no. I thought you'd think there was something wrong with me. After we tried some of the things Jackie suggested..." she paused, realizing that she had never confessed that the week of wild exploring hadn't been her idea.

He touched Terry's cheek, tilting her face up to look at her eyes. "I already know about that. Jackie told me while we were at their house. Please tell me the rest."

Terry let out a relieved sigh. "She had been right about everything. Watching them made me turned on like she said. The toys and my masturbating for you seemed to make you just as turned on. She said that the safest way to take the next step was for her to try to seduce you. If you were interested, she would let you know about watching and you could watch me with Ted while you two . . . you know."

"If you said no, she'd just say it was all her idea and you wouldn't be angry with me. It wasn't even that I wanted to be with him, but there was something so erotic about what happened and I thought going further would make it that much more exciting. She was sure you'd be so turned on that you'd be willing to try anything and it would open us up to brand-new things. She gave me the signal, so I thought you told her it was Ok." She looked at him with utter sadness.

"I never told her it was Ok," Steve responded. "But I did let her think I'd be willing to let you try it. I had to find out if you'd really do it." He looked away, ashamed at the way his plan had turned out. "I'm sorry. I wish I'd told her no and made you leave. I just thought that if you were willing to do that, then it didn't matter anymore."

"There is nothing for you to apologize about," Terry said through her tears. "This is all my fault. I'm the one who put us in this situation. It was just sex, nobody was supposed to get hurt. I was just so caught up in it that I convinced myself that Jackie was right. Now I can see how ridiculous it was. The biggest joke of all was that without you being there, it lost all it's appeal."

"I threw everything away, and it was for nothing."

Steve took her in his arms again, "You made a mistake. When I was younger, there were some things I did that I'm not proud of either. I understand how you were feeling; I just wish you had come to me first. I wouldn't have judged you, but I would never have gone along with Ted and Jackie either. I've gone had my wild times, and that's just not what I want anymore."

"The reason that I was so turned on by the things you were doing was that I was enjoying watching you take risks for me. You were doing things because you wanted me to get aroused, it was incredibly flattering and I loved you for it. I wish we hadn't waited to try those things."

They sat in silence for several minutes with her staying locked in his arms. Steve felt like he was drowning in all the painful thoughts when her voice shocked him out of his reverie.

"You could give me another chance."

Steve had been afraid of her saying something like that. It was one of the reasons he had avoided talking to her. "It's not that simple, Terry."

"I didn't say it was simple, but you and I are both miserable without each other. I made a horrible mistake and I'll never forgive myself. You were everything I ever wanted and I blew it because I thought it would be fun to be like Jackie. I was so stupid." She finally broke down and cried without making any effort to stop.

Steve gently caressed her face to brush away her tears, the way he had done hundreds of times over the previous six years. He looked into her eyes and was overwhelmed by her pain. It caused a flood of memories to rush through his mind. The night they met, the first time they made love, their beautiful wedding followed by a night full of more passion than he could have imagined.

There were so many wonderful memories, so many plans for the future. Their talk of having children and how they would provide for them. Saving for the future while still enjoying the present.

He couldn't take it anymore, feeling driven to do something. Without thinking, he leaned forward and kissed Terry. He didn't plan it, but when he looked into her eyes, so full of sadness, he couldn't stop himself. He kissed her face, tasting her tears. They were salty and for some reason he couldn't describe, they tasted like her.

When Terry responded, it caused their actions to escalate out of control. Steve was hugging her, then realized that his hands were on her breasts. She leaned back and he moved with her as they clawed at each other's clothes, desperate to relieve the pain and frustration of the last four months.

"Steve, I love you," she said, wrapping her arms around him.

"I love you too, Terry," he answered.

As they continued to kiss, Steve could feel himself slipping away, lost in the moment. He thought about how good she felt and how much he missed her. He was within seconds of losing control completely when he had a moment of clarity. It was like time stopped and he could see everything at once. He saw his life with Terry, their breakup, the last few months, his friendship with Karen and this entire weekend.

He remembered Karen's fearful expression and thought about her sitting at his apartment, waiting for him to come back. At the same time, he saw Terry's tear-filled face, appearing completely remorseful in front of him. Instantly, he knew where he wanted to be, and with whom. Steve sat up and pulled her with him, holding her face in his hands.

"Terry, I have to tell you something . . . "

~~~~~

Ten months later

Steve was standing at the door, hearing sounds from the room just beyond that were unmistakable. He reached forward to push it open, even though he knew he didn't want to see what was on the other side. As it swung inward, he saw a dark room with one bright light illuminating the bed in the center. There on the bed was Terry, on her hands and knees being pounded from behind by Ted.

She looked over with lust clouding her features and said, "Yes, please fuck me like a real man. I've been waiting so long..."

He jolted upright in bed, covered in sweat, not knowing where he was. He couldn't be sure, but it was possible that he screamed. It was strange like that, he always had the same dream and sometimes would wake himself verbally, almost as if he couldn't take the images and was doing it out of self-defense. As he sat trying to collect his senses, a soft hand touched his shoulder.

"Are you Ok sweetheart? Just take a deep breath. It'll be all right."

He tried to relax, letting her soothing touches bring down the anxiety. "It's got to be the wedding. Ever since we set a date, I keep having the fucking dream every night."

"I know," she answered, "but you just have to make it to Thursday. You'll see the therapist that Alan recommended. He'll be able to help."

Alan was a friend of hers from college. They had been at his wedding a couple of weeks earlier. He had fallen in love with an attractive secretary he met at work. While they were talking to the happy couple, Alan asked his wife Stacy for the number of a counselor that was working with their friend. He was supposed to be very good and Alan said he helped her through a serious emotional problem.

The soft voice continued to try to calm Steve down. "You've been dealing with this by yourself for way too long. Seeing someone is going to make a big difference. I honestly believe it's going to help you; and us."

He turned and looked into her beautiful brown eyes. She had a way of staring through him like it was her goal in life to love him. No matter how screwed up he'd been, she stood by him and loved him without complaint. Seeing a shrink, even though it went against his nature, was the least he could do for her. Steve ran a hand through her curly hair, and reassured her that he was all right.

Looking at her like this made him feel guilty. She deserved so much, but it just wasn't his to give yet. The events of a year ago had shattered him in a way that he hadn't been able to fully come back from. He believed that loving your wife with all your heart was enough to make your life happy. Steve had followed this belief like a religious zealot, unshakable in his faith. It gave him strength and confidence in his marriage; in himself.

Once that had been broken, it hadn't been possible to feel the same again, no matter how patient and loving she was. A part of him was gone and he didn't know if it would ever be the same again, no matter how much he wanted to be like he was before. He was angry and frustrated for not being able to give her what she deserved. At the same time he was in awe of how deeply she cared. It gave him the strength to keep trying, no matter what.

As they settled back into bed she said, "I love you Steve."

"I love you too, Karen."

Steve continued to stare at her, feeling a twinge of guilt for the one white lie he told her the night he spoke to Terry. When he came back to the apartment, he said that everything went fine. He took one look at Karen's loving, trusting face and knew there was no way he could ever tell her how difficult his decision had been that day. Although the answer seemed obvious now, at the time it had been almost impossible to choose.

The thing that had tipped the scale was looking into Terry's contrite expression and comparing it with the way Karen had looked when he left. Terry loved him and was sad beyond words about her mistake. Karen had looked at him with nothing but love and trust. Although Steve wanted to believe Terry would never do anything like that again if he decided to take her back, the fact that she had done it in the first place fundamentally changed the way he felt about her.

Although he still loved her so much it hurt to think about her, the prospect of trusting her again seemed impossible. When he touched her and kissed her, he knew he was reliving the past. Karen was his future.

Steve knew things had gone too far with Karen to put off choosing while he tried to decide what was right, so he trusted his gut. The woman waiting for him back at his apartment loved him enough to send him to Terry's despite the risk. She wanted him to be happy, even if she had to take the chance of losing him. That look of fear and love stayed in his mind. If she loved him that much, there was hope that he could trust again.

The bond he had developed with Karen helped him see things from a different perspective. Staying with her out of guilt or because of their past would have ended badly. There was just too much damage done to ever recover what they had. He realized that leaving was the best thing for both of them.

Since then, Steve tried to take things slowly with Karen, not wanting to make any mistakes with her. However, they seemed so perfect for each other, it was like holding back a raging river with your bare hands. Two weeks earlier he proposed, despite knowing the hard work ahead of him in order to recover from the devastation of his first marriage. Karen had been thrilled, more than happy to take the good with the bad.