Fool's Gold Ch. 03

By now, my initial need to prove myself had waned. I gladly cut back on the frenetic pace of my dating, and just enjoyed the opportunities that arose. I still went out, but only with those women I really wanted to get to know better. I was back to where I had been before Jean, using dating as a means to enjoy life and gain some companionship. The only exception was that now, my casual dating had an edge that had not been there before.

I was now open to the possibilities of a long-term relationship.

Jean was clearly the cause of this new desire. My time with her had re-taught me the difference between a true partner and a casual relationship. After what I had shared with her, the casual dating scene rang hollow. From sex, to conversation, to just the 'joy of being together'; the difference was remarkable. I had come to the decision that, for my sake, it was time to settle down again.

Of course, now that I had made the decision to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, I kept looking in all of the wrong places. My efforts to force a long-term relationship were just as much a farce as my efforts to play Casanova.

The word got out that I was looking, and all of the female sharks started to circle as they smelt the blood in the water. All I wanted was someone I could feel comfortable loving. What I found, was one train wreck after another.

Of all people, it was Annie that made me realize what I was doing wrong. As the weeks flew by, things had gradually improved between Annie and me. She gradually got over her hurt feelings and insecurity about Jean. By fall we had slipped back into our friendship. This time, our conversations were a little more open. The topics we discussed grew a little deeper. We still danced around the reason for the breakup, but we were open to discussion of our present life, and how we were feeling.

Eventually we got to a point where we were spending time together two or three times a week. It became customary to eat as a family whenever one of us stopped by to pick up the girls. Then we started a 'Wednesday night dinner', during soccer season, as we grabbed a late dinner after Sarah's games. From there we gradually slipped into a cautious friendship.

As the friendship strengthened anew it was only natural that we spent more time together. One of the strengths of our marriage had been the way we could talk to each other. It was when we had lost that openness that I knew our marriage was damaged beyond repair. Now we had started to regain that closeness. Annie and I would go for a walk, watch TV or just talk for a few hours before we said our goodbyes. We were both aware of the re-emerging bond between us, but we took it slowly. Neither of us made any attempt to take it to the next level.

As the year drew to a close I started to open up to Annie about my frustration over my dating misadventures. It was probably insensitive of me and I'm sure it distressed her, but she tried to be supportive. At times I could tell she was struggling with my assumed rejection of her as a potential partner. But that was one area where I still kept my blinders fully fastened. It wasn't that I never thought about dating Annie, because I did. I was still afraid of doing it for the wrong reasons, though. I only wanted it to happen if it were the right decision for me.

To her credit, Annie accepted my self-imposed limits on our relationship. Instead of telling me that I was being a fool, she simply asked me what was wrong. As she listened she asked me one simple question. Why was I wasting my time dating women that did not appeal to me?

Annie helped me see that I had taken the wrong lesson from my time with Jean, particularly if I was looking for a life partner. If I refused to date women that reminded me of Jeannie, I was running away from everything that I found attractive. There was no problem in looking for a women that had the qualities and traits that I liked, so long as I did it for the right reasons. I just needed to make sure I didn't fall into the trap I had fallen into before.

I thought long and hard about what Annie had helped me to realize. Her insight had made me realize how well she knew what made me tick. It also made me realize just how good the two of us were together. There is a real bitterness to realize that your perfect woman is the one that threw you away.

As the weeks passed, I thought more and more about asking Annie out. We were connecting better than we had in years. But I was still leery of taking that first step. The baggage remained, and that stopped me from moving forward.