For All We Know

But it wasn't Amy who called me that evening. It was Priya.

"Eric, can you do me a favor?" she asked.

"Of course," I said.

"Would you please tell that stupid woman that the two of us are only friends and that your only interest in me is as a friend just like it is with her and with Terri and Sarah too?" she said. There was nothing but silence. You could hear crickets chirping over the phone lines.

"Eric, all you have to do is call her and tell her. You speak to her on the phone all of the time," she whined.

"It's not that," I said.

"Well, what is it?" she asked.

"Priya, I'm sorry but I'm not going to lie," I said.

"I'm not asking you to lie, Eric," she said. "I just want you to...Eric are you saying that you want something other than just friendship from me?"

Again there was nothing but silence on the phone line.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you," she said. "And I'm sorry if I led you to believe something that could never happen."

After that, my life was like one of those movies that involve biblical plagues. I went to class, I went to work but it just seemed like the sun refused to shine. I don't think I smiled once over the next week and spring was just around the corner. My friends called, but I got off of the phone as quickly as possible. I didn't go out. I just went to work and to school and came home to study. I did occasionally go out for a drive in the Mustang. For some reason that always seemed to cheer me up at least for a while. But nothing else made even a dent in my depression.

Finally, the social trinity plus 2 showed up at my apartment. Amy, Sarah and Terri, showed up and brought Ben and Carla Stevens along with them.

"Hi Eric," said Amy sweetly. "We just stopped by to check on you. No one has seen you in weeks."

"I'm fine," I said. I think they could all tell I was lying.

"Eric, Carla is going through the same thing you are," said Terri. Amy looked at her evilly. "She just broke up with someone. But instead of staying locked up in her room in some kind of stupid depression, she's going out and trying to meet people."

"Eric, we're young. We have a lot of life to go through," said Sarah. "We're going to have our ups and downs. But we have to keep going."

"Sarah, I didn't know you did commercials," I said. "Is this one for an energy drink or a beer?"

Sarah smiled. "Seriously though, Eric..." she said. "You and Priya can't stay locked up in your rooms forever..." Amy elbowed her in the side, hard.

At the mention of Priya, my head snapped towards Sarah so quickly I thought my neck would snap.

"Why isn't Priya going out?" I asked.

"She doesn't room with Amy and Terri anymore," said Sarah. "She's in a room with Carla and me and she may as well not be there. She goes to school, comes home to study and goes to bed. I haven't seen her as much as smile since..."

Amy slapped herself on the forehead. "Great move, Brainiac," she yelled. "We were supposed to be cheering him up, not bringing back the reason for his depression."

"Well shit, Amy," said Sarah. "We're supposed to be his friends. This is a fucked up situation. So what harm does it do to tell him what he wants to know?"

"Well, hey, those things just snap right off," I said. They all looked at me as if they had missed something.

"I meant to say, thanks for coming over. Maybe we'll all get together and do something this weekend," I said.

"If not, I'll be stopping by anyway," said Amy.

I picked up my phone and called her. "Hello," she said answering the phone. The voice I had come to love had lost all of its fire and enthusiasm.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," I said. "None of this was your fault."

"What are you talking about Eric?" she asked. In just those few words her voice had changed. She sounded even sadder but amidst the sadness there was strength. The overall tone of her voice was no longer filled with an absence of life. There was definitely life there but it was tinged with regret.

"Priya, I was never truthful with you," I said. "I was crazy about you from the beginning. I used to sit there and watch you when the school year first started. I spent more time watching you, when we were on the beach, than I did swimming or playing in the water. I used to think that you were an alien..."

"I am an alien silly man," she smirked. A bit of the sarcasm that I loved so much crept back into her tone. "But I'm a resident alien on an educational visa so..."

"I meant an alien from a different planet," I said.

"Why," she asked. "Is it my fat ass or just my accent?"

I started laughing. "Your ass is perfect," I said. "And that's part of the problem. I sat there and wondered how anything that beautiful could be on Earth, surrounded by the rest of us."

"So this whole time, the only thing you wanted was my ass?" she smirked.

"Priya, stop joking," I said. "I'm talking about all of you. You're the most beautiful, most perfect woman I've ever met. I was happy just being around you. The time we spent together was the best five or six weeks of my life."

"But Eric, you had to know that it could never have gone anywhere," she said with a whining tone creeping into her voice. "What I gave you then wasn't fair to you. Amy was right. Things with us could never have moved forward. You deserve to spend your time with someone who could give you the kind of relationship you deserve."

"But Priya, shouldn't I be the one who decides that?" I asked. "Maybe I care so much for you that I'm willing and happy to take whatever you can give me. Maybe I'd rather have a limited relationship with you than anything with anyone else."

"Eric, why do you have to make this so hard?" she hissed. "There are plenty of women on campus. A lot of the women we know would love to be with you. Do I need to name names?"

"You'd be wasting your time unless you're going to name yours first," I said.

"Eric..." she said almost in tears. And then the phone dropped on the floor. I heard a door open and the sound of sobs. I heard footsteps getting closer to the phone.

"Who the fuck is this?" screamed a feminine voice that I vaguely recognized.

"It's me, Sarah," I said.

"Eric?" she asked. "What did you say to her? Why did you make her cry? I must have this all wrong. I thought you liked her."

"I do, Sarah," I said. "She and I just need to talk before things get even more messed up."

"Eric, get in your little car and be at the student center in fifteen minutes," hissed Sarah.

"For what?" I asked.

"Just fucking be there," she yelled and slammed the phone down.

Ten minutes later I was in the lobby of the student center. Sarah, Carla, Terri and Priya came in together. Priya looked like Hell. She looked like she'd been crying non-stop.

We moved into a private study room. Sarah came over to me and she was clearly pissed.

"Eric, you're supposed to be a really nice guy. I want you to leave her alone," she said.

"But I..." I began.

"It's not him," said Priya. "He didn't do anything wrong."

"Amy was right, Sarah," she said. "I saw the two of them dancing. And to me they were dancing too close together. It was a slow song and I didn't like it one bit. I got angry and I pulled him outside of the bar and I started screaming at him. And I told him not to do it again just as Amy walked out. I think that Amy realized something that at the time I didn't recognize myself. At least when the time came, Eric was honest enough to admit it."

"Admit what?" asked Sarah. "Amy said that Eric needs to be with someone so he can get laid. Is he putting pressure on you for sex? Is that what this is all about?" Carla and Terri were shaking their heads.

"Uhm you guys talk this out," said Terri. "We'll explain it to her or try to." Carla and Terri pulled a fuming Sarah out of the room.

"Eric..." she began.

"Can we turn off the lights?" I asked.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because, I don't think I can look at you and try to argue with you," I said.

"Oh, so I've gone from being otherworldly beautiful, to being so hideous you can't stand to look at me in less than an hour," she said.

"You know it's not that," I said. "But if I'm looking at you, I won't be able to say no to you and I really have to fight for us."

"Eric, there is no us," she said. "I belong to another man."

I hit the light switch.

"Tell me goodbye, Priya," I said. "Just tell me that you don't want to spend any time with me anymore. Tell me you hate me and you wish you'd never met me. I'll make it easy on you. I'll transfer to another school. I'll finish the last six weeks of this semester and in September I'll go to another school. Just tell me."

We sat there in the darkness of the room for a while and the seconds and then minutes ticked by. "Priya, I love you, but we don't have all night," I said. Her sharp intake of air just made things worse.

"Tell you what," I said. "Maybe everything I told you was too hard to remember. So let's distill it all down to one word. Just tell me to go and I'll leave and never bother you again. All you have to say is one word. Just say, "Go."

Again there was nothing but silence in the room. "Maybe you're one of those passive aggressive types. You know, that whole Catholic thing. You don't want to admit that you're doing something against what the pope commands. So I'll do it for you. You want me to leave but you don't want to tell me to do it. Maybe you just don't want to hurt my feelings. I'm just making this too hard for you. So I'm just going to leave. Like you said there's nothing to work out. I'm just going to go and it won't be your fault. You didn't tell me to leave. So twenty years from now, you can tell yourself that you didn't make me leave."

I got up loudly and stepped towards the door. Even in the darkness, her hand shot out in pure desperation. I could hear the fear in her voice as she grabbed my hand and screamed, "No Eric. Please don't go!"

I sat back down, this time right next to her. I could feel her hand trembling as it held onto mine.

"So Priya, what are we going to do?" I asked.

"Did you really mean what you said?" she asked.

"No," I said. "I didn't really want to leave. But I would have to make it easier for you."

"Not that part idiot," she smirked. "The part about how you love me?"

"Yep," I said. "Sorry."

"Eric, you LOVE me?" she asked.

"Yes Priya," I said. "It's definite and confirmed. I have for a long time."

"So what are we going to do?" she asked. She started crying all over again. I leaned closer to her and just held her.

"Well..."I said. "We're both intelligent people. And we've realized that we have a problem. So we should relate the problem to something that we know about and handle it that way."

"Can you turn the lights on?" she asked.

"Why, Hon," I asked.

"So I can stare at you like you're crazy," she said. "It's not as effective when you can't see me doing it."

"This is simple," I said. "It's like we have an addiction. If we try to quit cold turkey, it's hard and painful. It leaves us with nothing to think about except what we're losing."

"That makes some sense," she said. "So what do we do?"

"We have to kind of ease out of it," I said. "And then we find a distraction."

"It's going to have to be a really big distraction, Eric," she said. "And you don't get to call me Hon yet. You have to start with Sweetheart and then Honey and if you're really good we might eventually get to Hon."

"Okay Sweetheart," I said.

"So what's this distraction?" she asked.

"In six weeks you'll go back to Pacmanistan for the summer and I'll go home to Michigan and my family. We'll have plenty of time over the summer to think about other things and we'll have three months away from each other so this can burn out."

"And you think that three months will be enough to burn you out of my heart?" she asked.

"Nah," I said. "That'll only take a couple of weeks."

I heard her laughing in the darkness. Then the door opened. Sarah and Terri stepped through it.

"Uhm Guys, they're closing the building," said Terri. "uhm why are the lights out?"

"Because I'm so beautiful that he can't look at me," smirked Priya.

"He was probably staring at your boobs when he said that," said Carla.

Over the next six weeks, things got progressively worse. It got to the point where Priya was constantly in my thoughts. We kept all of the rules. We didn't have sex. We didn't even kiss, but we wanted to. I know I did and sometimes when I looked in her eyes; especially when couples around us were kissing each other so casually, I was sure that she wanted to as well.

I did everything I could to ease our tension. It got to the point where the things she could say to me with a handshake or a look were better than sex. There was never a doubt in my mind, even when compared to friends with active sex lives, that I was the luckiest man on earth.

Nothing is perfect and there were some things that suffered or became strained. My friendship with Amy was one of those. There were also things that were utterly destroyed. Priya's friendship with Amy fell into that pile.

Of all the people we hung out with, only Amy truly knew what was going on with us. She pitied me and hated Priya. Every time I spoke to her, she told me that I was making a huge mistake and that things would end tragically for me.

She also told me that Priya was an absolute bitch who was using me. She told me that I was a fool for allowing myself to be locked in a relationship where I didn't even get sex as a benefit.

Time moved more quickly than I could ever have believed. It sometimes seemed that we'd go out with the group and as soon as we sat down at a table and looked into each other's eyes or had a dance or two, the evening was over.

It also got to the point where our well-meaning friends began to get on our nerves. Priya was not nearly as tactful as I was. There were times when she was simply rude. Someone would come over to the table and sit down, only to have Priya tell them to find another table.

She also refused to let me dance with other women. If they came over to the table and smiled, before they could even ask she just said, "No."

Most of our friends understood or tried to. A lot of the guys who'd tried to talk to Priya and been burned by her made all kinds of jokes. One drunken guy stumbled over to us and slurred, "I can't wait to see how big those jugs get when you knock her up."

Without losing a beat Priya looked him in the eye and spat, "When he knocks me up they'll be huge and you still won't get to see them."

Everyone in the room laughed except for Amy, who stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

The saddest day of the year for me was the day that I had to go home. Priya would still be there for a couple of days before leaving for her homeland.

I had packed the night before and was leaving first thing in the morning. The night had been awful. Priya saying goodbye had hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

We'd both known it was coming but we couldn't seem to let go of each other. Finally, the girls dragged Priya back to her dorm. I don't think any of them realized that it was supposed to be the last time the two of us would ever be together.

In a way, I was glad they'd done it because I don't think I could have let her go otherwise.

Just before I left that morning, there was a very light knocking at my door. I had no idea who it was. I opened the door and there she was. Before I could say anything, she went up on her toes and gave me the gentlest, softest kiss I'd ever felt.

I was shocked. It was the most magical moment of my life. "I probably should have told you this before," she said. "But I love you too." And then she was gone.

Over the summer, I didn't know what was going on. I hung out with my friends from home. I visited and was visited by a few of my college friends, including Amy, who my parents loved.

Talking to Amy brought all of my problems back. "You do know that she's going to be like a princess in her country," she said. "She has a purpose in life. She wants to modernize the country and make things better for women there. She's going to marry a fucking prince. There's no way she's going to fuck all of that up for you. You're going to be a sixty grand a year chemical engineer. You're a great guy and you deserve a great girl but you're not a God damned prince, Dufus."

"Wow," I said. "It's good to have friends."

"Why the hell do you think I'm here," she said. "I am your friend. I don't want to see you hurt."

"Well that's over now," I said. "We have the whole summer for her to get over me and go back to being a princess. By the time we go back to school, she won't even remember me. She'll be back to being a princess and I'll be back to being a frog."

"You'll be better off without her," she said sadly. "Maybe this year you'll have a normal relationship."

* * * * * *

"I like the sound of falling rain. But can we live this way forever?"

"And though this night may never end something in your eyes has sold me."

The lyrics were getting worse. This time they didn't even fucking rhyme. My entire life was going to hell. Some fucking prince. His God damned cousin went nucking futs and tried to kidnap our President's daughter.

Maybe I'd get lucky and the same thing would happen to him. He was also too fucking old for Priya. The guy was at least thirty five. He had her by about twelve years. And the worst part of it all was that I'd met the guy and he was a decent guy. I wish to God that he could be a monster but he wasn't. Shit, I couldn't even hate him. The kicker was always the fact that I am the fucking cheater. And I know down deep in my soul that I'm wrong as hell but I can't help it. Priya is like air to me. I'm not sure I can live without her anymore.

So I sit here crying in my beer and writing the worst fucking song ever. I'm sitting here thinking that life will go on; or that we'll get back together again at the end of summer like we have for the past two. But we won't. This is the end. And this time I'll never see her again. Maybe Amy was right all along. But in my heart, I know that if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change a God damned thing.

For once, I'm glad that none of my friends and none of the guys in my band are around today. Because as I look out through the window to watch the rain falling, somehow, some of those rain drops seem to have come through the glass and landed just below my eyes. They trickle slowly down my cheeks and end up trailing down near the lump in my throat.

* * * * * *

Priya had never told me whether or not I should transfer to another school. Before we left at the end of May, we were both too stressed out to even think about details. It had been three months since we'd told each other good bye and she'd kissed me. I could still feel the imprint of her lips on mine. If I closed my eyes I could still feel her. But I was sure that she'd spent enough time over the summer with her family and with her prince that she probably wouldn't even remember my name.

I decided to just keep a low profile until I found out whether or not she was coming back. There was always the chance that she'd decided not to return. And even if we had, the campus was big enough for both of us.

For the first few days that I was back and organizing things, I barely left my apartment. I was fortunate. The owner of the building I rented the apartment in was an old friend of my dad's. Not only did he give me a very reasonable rate, he saved an apartment for me each year. I wasn't guaranteed the same one and this year though, I had a better one. It was on the top floor and had both a small balcony and roof access. He'd also had the elevator repaired over the summer so it was quick, quiet, and clean.

Once I got my class schedule, I pretty much stayed home. My first class didn't start for a week so there was no need for me to be there.