For the Love of Hanna

When I arrived home that evening Maddy seemed to be noticeably on edge. A few times during dinner, she was obviously distracted from our conversation. However, when she was with Hanna she was with her totally, her concentration was complete. With me, she appeared hesitant as if she had something to say but couldn't. She even touched me differently. Her hands tended to linger longer. Was it guilt? Was she having second thoughts? I waited to see which.

Maddy and I had acted out our roles as the perfect married couple for the first two months after Hanna's birth. The sexual tension between us was building but I had not approached her when we went to bed each evening. This was now the ninth week.

We were in bed when Maddy made her move towards me. She began by softly kissing my ear while rubbing her hand over my chest. In the past when she had done this, I would have eagerly responded. In minutes, I would be the aggressive one leading the dance. I almost cracked when she touched me. It had been almost four months since our last coupling and I was very much in need of her too.

Instead, I decided to act nonchalantly when she advanced. I lay there motionless. Then when Maddy moved her hand towards my groin, I spoke.

"Maddy, do you know a Dr. Mitchell Davenport?"

She was caught off guard by this. She moved slowly back to her place in the bed. Then while trying to remain calm she answered.

"Sure, he was my faculty advisor at Hopkins. Why?"

I had trouble hiding my distaste of this exchange. I frowned as I asked, "Exactly how well did you know him?"

Maddy must have heard the contempt in my voice because she turned away from me briefly. Then as if she were composing herself, she turned again to look me in the eye. Her expression was one of surprise mixed with apprehension. I prepared myself for a stonewall. However, I underestimated her propensity for bluntness.

"I know Mitchell very well. I consider him a good friend. It was on his recommendation that I was hired by the University." Then she took a breath. "I can tell by your tone that you probably already know this… we…we were lovers."

"Were you aware that he was married?"

"Yes, I knew he was married. Daniel, that was over before we met. It turned out to be just sex, nothing more. Why are you asking me this now? I'm not in the habit of talking with you about my past relationships. You don't want to hear about them just like I don't want to know about the women in your past."

"Maddy, the man was married."

"So? I don't get your point. Are you trying to get me to say I was wrong for sleeping with a married man? OK, I was wrong. Are you happy?"

"No…I'm not."

She then got up and walked to the closet. There she stood my wife, the 'other woman' in a past life. I just stared at her. She stood defiant, her expression one of annoyance. She resumed her defense.

"I can't believe that you're so judgmental, so self-righteous. What I did…what Mitchell and I did, was none of your business. It did not concern you. So you have no right to sit there with your smug attitude and proceed to judge me".

Before I became aware of it, I was slowly shaking my head. My disappointment in her was obvious. It was assumed that we shared the same values, particularly about fidelity. We had not talked about it, it was assumed. Was it too late to have that conversation?

"Maddy", I began, "this is now my business".

She tossed on her robe and left me alone in the bedroom. I considered pursuing her but thought better of it. She returned a little while later and eased into her side of the bed. Round one was over, won by Maddy.

She slept while I laid awake thinking of what to say. My moment had passed. I had been unprepared. My well-reasoned arguments failed me. My anger was returning and I wanted to lash out at her.

For the entire night, I stared at the ceiling imagining my wife in the arms of Mitchell Davenport. I visualized her as she moved under me as we made love. Then I saw her with him and showing the same affection for him as she had for me. When I tried to sleep the images kept intruding.

Early in the morning, I felt Maddy shifting nervously next to me. I wanted to continue the argument. Now in hindsight I know that that was mistake. I managed to have the presence of mind to sit on our bed when I began (even though I wanted to rush to her and shake her into my reality). As it was, I began with my voice raised barely above a whisper. Maddy was lying on her side. I knew she was awake.

"Maddy I know about Mitchell Davenport and the treatments. And I know how you paid for them." I was not looking at her when I said this. If I had, I was afraid of losing my composure.

I felt the bed move as she quickly shifted her position then stood in front of me. Her pose was at first defiant and her voice strong.

"I did what I had to do. When I look at Hanna I know it was the only thing I could do."

"You prostituted yourself. Tell me why you HAD to do that." I shouted. I was losing control. I closed my eyes to calm myself. In all it took only a few seconds.

I looked deeply into Maddy's eyes. Regardless of the strength of her voice, I saw the doubt and fear in her. Somewhere in her mind, I had reached that part of her that was bound to me. That part of her was uncomfortable with her betrayal.

Seeing some advantage, I continued. "Did you ever stop to consider what effect your actions would have on me…on our marriage?

She could not look at me after I said that. All she could manage was, "I've got to check on Hanna." With that, she turned and left our bedroom. The argument was over. I did not need to express the rest of my feelings to Maddy. She knew me well enough to know I was extremely upset.

The real question was what was I going to do? A part of me wanted to leave her, to be rid of her completely. She had lied to me, deceived me, and cheated on me with another man… a former lover. As unsettling as this was, it was complicated by the fact that I still did not believe that she was motivated by love or lust. There was no evidence that she had any feelings for Davenport. He was someone she used to accomplish her objective.

I wondered what she felt about me. Was my status in her eyes similar to Davenport's? Was I another means to an end? Did she see me only as a sperm donor? Certainly, she gave me no indication that she was using me. She and I had been best friends as well as lovers. We had made plans, shared secrets, created life. Was I only a sperm donor to her? The only person that I was sure that Maddy loved was Hanna. If I believed her, all she had done, she had done for Hanna.

Was her desire to be a mother justification enough for her actions? No. Aside from that, Maddy had not acted alone. She used Davenport and he used her. However, it was not a relationship of equals. Even if she had approached him, he could have handled the situation responsibly. Instead, he made a decision to be a slime ball.

Whatever the outcome of my relationship with Maddy I had to do something to stop Davenport from blackmailing any other women in her situation. Someone who would do this should not enjoy the benefit of a medical license. He should not be entrusted with the lives of other women.

The problem was how to get Davenport without doing injury to Maddy or Hanna. I had but a rudimentary understanding of how doctors were licensed and what it took to challenge their ability to practice. I would need to be advised by someone who was familiar with the law as well as the licensing board in Maryland. I needed to hire a lawyer in Maryland skilled in matters of malpractice. But who?

There was one person who was perfect for this assignment. I made my way to my home office down the hall and closed the door behind me before reaching for the phone. It was only 8:30am, and it was Saturday, but I knew that Felicity would not mind. If I were right, she would be expecting my call. She knew before I did what role her husband had played in my wife's pregnancy. She could have told me when we first met; instead, she gave enough information to help me discover the truth for myself. She never said it, but she too had used me.

Felicity did not want to challenge Mitchell on her own. However, if she had his patient, a victim of his to champion, she could take action against Mitchell with limited damage to herself. Most of the proceedings of the Medical Boards across the country were conducted in secret. It was long held that these boards operated to protect the doctors and limit the liability of their insurance carriers. Maryland was probably no different from most states.

However, Felicity was herself a member of that same club, except that she had influence there beyond the average practitioner. She could stick the knife in Mitchell's career before he even knew he was under suspicion. If I guessed right, she had been waiting for this opportunity. Dr. Mitchell Davenport's sins were not all of a professional nature. She would extract some measure of personal revenge…for all of us.

"Felicity? It's Danny Treadway. Can we talk?"

"Sure Danny."

"You were not completely honest with me yesterday. This is not just about letting me know what Maddy and Mitchell had been doing. You implied he has done this before, I will guess with patients much closer to home. It would have been easier to contact them. However, you come all the way to Philadelphia to spy on us. You want something else. Is it revenge against Maddy?"

"This is not about getting even with your wife. She just happened to be my husband's current pawn when I made my decision. So what do I want? I want him out of the profession…if not permanently then barred for some period, for that I need the cooperation of your wife and only you can deliver her. Of course that cooperation presupposes that she does not complete her part of their bargain."

"I don't want her doing that either, for obvious reasons. However, I can't guarantee that Maddy will help you."

"You must try Danny. He can't be left to do this again."

"I'll talk to Maddy, that's all I can guarantee."

"That's all I ask."

As I was hanging up the phone I heard what I thought was the front door closing in the other room. I went out to check. The door was closed so I went to our bedroom. Maddy was gone. I was too wound up to speak with her anyway. She was probably out shopping for groceries. It was Saturday.

I then checked on Hanna. She was sleeping peacefully. She wore a new diaper, obviously changed by her mother. Hanna would be awake soon. I needed to prepare her bottle.

I was right about Hanna. She let me know she was hungry as I was warming her milk. She quieted as soon as she saw me. I thought I caught a smile escaping her lips as I lifted her then took her into the living room for her breakfast.

She and I were a pair for the next few hours. By the time I looked up it was noon and Maddy had still not returned. I moved the playpen into my office, sat Hanna down, turned on my computer and started to do some work. An hour later, I was startled by a call from Maddy. She was at her mother's house in Salem, New Jersey. She had taken the bus there and more importantly, she did not know when she would be back.

That call was not an exchange. Maddy talked and I listened. I barely managed a "goodbye" before hanging up. I was numb.

By leaving, Maddy took the decision from me. For all the anger I had, I was not prepared to have her leave me. I secretly wanted her to put up more of a fight. What she had done with Davenport was wrong. We both knew that. However, she neither expressed remorse nor gave justifications for her actions. She simply gave up on us. That she could leave so easily hurt almost as much as knowing of her adultery.

I was confused. I refused to think of divorce, yet I was afraid that she would divorce me. How could I live with a person who could cheat on me? Could I live without her? I wanted to punish her and I wanted to forgive her. I was a jumble of mixed emotions when I thought of her. I was so angry with her but I could never knowingly hurt her.

Her call marked the beginning of many lonely nights. It was a struggle to keep my life on an even keel. To cope, I learned to set rigid schedules, and to live by them. By keeping order in my life, I was avoiding the inevitable confrontation with Maddy and the decision on how to proceed with our relationship.

Chapter 5: Understanding Maddy

My days were arranged for customers or for meetings and proposals. It was easy to over commit my time and I became a master at filling my calendar. While engrossed in my work I did not allow Maddy to enter my thinking. Returning home each night, it was impossible not to think of her.

There was only one aspect of my nights that caused me joy, and that was Hanna. She lit up with a big smile every time I came for her. It was just she and I and we delighted in one another. But my elation was short-lived. When Hanna went to sleep, I was alone again.

Maddy called at least twice a week. Our conversations were short and always about Hanna. How was she was eating? Was she sleeping? Was she teething? How was her last checkup? And after the questions, I would place the receiver near Hanna's ear so that she could hear her mother's voice before she signed off. If despair has a signature, it was present in her voice. Each call was surreal and I grew to dread them.

I kept to this routine for a month. After each call, I was numb. It wasn't what Maddy and I talked about, it was what we didn't talk about. She needed a connection with us. I complied with each call because it helped me avoid thinking about our future.

One Friday night I was feeding Hanna when the doorbell rang. It was Alex, my older brother. I measured his face and saw the familiar smile he first acquired when we were kids. I marveled at how he always maintained a calm veneer. Alex was one of the youngest Lieutenants in the Philadelphia Police Department. His looked favored more the student than the cop.

We hadn't talked in a couple of months and I wasn't expecting him, then again Alex was never expected. He had a habit of just showing up. It was probably a habit acquired from the job. After taking off his coat he joined Hanna and I in the kitchen.

"So what brings you out tonight? "

"Actually I'm here to see how you guys are doing?" he said, then looking over at Hanna. "I take it that you and Maddy are still separated?"

"You too? Did Mom send you? How did she find out? Has she told everyone that we're separated?"

"No, just your family. What's wrong with you Danny?

"What's wrong with me? Nothing, other than that my wife has left me."

"Really? Have you been to see her?" he said with a smirk.

"Alex…it's not that simple."

"Is it ever? You want simple, stay single and join a monastery. That's simple."

"Alex, she cheated on me. I can't let that go."

Alex sighed before he spoke again. His voice dropped almost to a whisper. "If this was anyone other than Maddy I would say to leave her in a heartbeat. When Mom mentioned that you were separated I couldn't believe it. I knew you had done something stupid. So I called Maddy and then went to see her." He paused again as he turned his gaze to Hanna. "Sometimes the facts obscure the truth."

"I don't know what you're talking about. She knows where I am. She left, if she wants to see me I'm here every night."

"So you haven't thought of going to get her?" He was looking at me as if I had two heads. "Danny, when are you going to end this nonsense and go and get your wife? She won't come back on her own. You know she's not staying away because of the other guy. It's you Danny. She is ashamed of herself. She does not know how to face you because she knows how much this has hurt you. Much of her opinion of herself is based upon what you think of her. Now that she's done what she's done it's killing her."

"How do you know this?"

Alex slowly shook his head. He was growing impatient with me. He left the room and sought his coat. "I know this because I saw it in her face and heard it in her voice. I don't know all of what she did. I just know her. Whatever it was little brother, you need to hold in check some of that pride of yours and go to her before it's too late. If you want some measure of payback then focus your anger on the slime that used her. He is your enemy…not your wife. If you need some help with him call me." With that said Alex embraced me and left.

I frowned as I closed the door behind him. As usual, my big brother was right; a fact I knew would cause me grief, particularly if he knew that I knew. He was right though. My pride kept me from seeing the truth. I wanted to punish Maddy so I expected her to come crawling back to me. She could never do that. It was not in her nature. She would take her shame and pain in solitude. In order for our marriage to survive, I had to seek her out and let her know that I forgave her. However, forgiveness would come with a price. I wasn't sure if when Maddy was told the price that she would still want to come home.

On Saturday morning, I dressed Hanna and packed her bags for our trip to her Grandparent's house. With the stress associated with our marriage all time spent with Hanna became even more precious. Now with Maddy out of the house I was concerned that Hanna should always be around family who loved her.

My parents were expecting us. Hanna was their youngest grandchild and the only girl, so her presence was always a special occasion. My Dad scooped her up with a bushel of giggles. A second later and they were playing in the living room.

Mom led me to the kitchen and offered breakfast, but I was not hungry.

"Have you decided what to do about your marriage?" she began.

She caught me by surprise. Maddy had been gone over a month and I had not told my mother the real reason for her departure, only that Maddy was visiting with her mother in New Jersey. My expression must have spoken volumes.

"Danny, I know about the reason for the separation. Maddy and I talk almost every day. I know you are upset with her and the situation is complicated. But I hope you are considering the bigger picture."

I hadn't thought about the possibility that Maddy would share the details our problems with my mother. At first, I was annoyed that she was involved, but after a few moments, I was relieved that Maddy could speak so openly with her. However, I did not know if Maddy divulged everything. Mom might not be so understanding if she knew the whole story. I decided to show all of my cards. "Mom, Maddy cheated on me. That she did so to become pregnant with our child doesn't make it hurt any less."

My statement had no visible effect on my mother. She continued along the same line of argument. "She told me that Danny, and she also told me why she did it. This does not excuse what she did, but you need to talk with her. You need to hear her out before you make a decision that might destroy your family."

"If anyone destroyed our family she did."

"She's hurting Danny."

"And I'm not?"

"I know you are. However, it will be worse if you two divorce. Maddy has loved you for as long as she can remember. She is bound to you Danny; and because of that, you have tremendous power over her. You exercise that power whether you are consciously aware you are using it or not. I don't find her position completely healthy but it is something you two can work on to fix together."

"Mom I don't know if I can ever forget what she did."

"You probably won't. I wouldn't want you or her ever to forget, but there are circumstances that can allow you to forgive."

"But how can I ever trust her again?"

"Trust is not about her, it's about you learning to recognize, and handle the imperfections of another." My mother was searching my eyes before she started up again.