Forbidden Feelings Ch. 08-09

Kelly was waiting outside when we pulled up. She jumped into the back seat behind me. After the informal introductions, we were back on the road again.

The whole way to the restaurant I didn't talk. I couldn't get a word in. Kelly and Leah went back and forth non-stop, not even acknowledging me. I was beginning to wish that I'd never come, and knew it would only get worse as the night went on.

We reached the pizza place and I followed the two of them in. The hostess led us to a booth, and as Kelly slid in to her side, Leah stepped back and motioned for me to enter the other side before taking a seat next to me. Any time last week, I would have loved sitting next to her; my hand on her knee, slowly sliding north, but not tonight.

When the server came by to get our drinks, we all ordered water with a lemon. After much discussion, Leah and Kelly decided on a large pepperoni pizza.

"Is that cool with you?" Leah asked, finally acknowledging me, "or do you want something else?"

"Nope, that's cool." I responded. It wasn't like I was actually included in the decision anyway, so I'd just assumed that I'd eat whatever. Pepperoni is good though.

I sat there, while waiting for our server to take our order, listening to Leah and Kelly converse. I smiled and nodded at all the right places to show I was listening, but my mind was elsewhere. Something definitely changed between Leah and I, and I was trying to figure out why she invited me.

After the server took our order, Kelly got up to use the restroom. Leah stood up and switched sides of the table so she could face me.

"What's wrong with you tonight?" Leah asked, voice full of concern.

"Nothing," I responded. "I'm just tired."

I really did not want to ruin her dinner, like mine was already. I know I needed to talk to her, but I wasn't ready to share my feelings, especially in public.

When Leah noticed Kelly coming back from the restroom, she moved back over to my side of the table. I felt Leah's hand rest on my leg for a quick second before moving back above the table, then Leah and Kelly continued the conversation from before.

Once our pizza came, the two of them actually were able to keep the talking to a minimum since they were both so hungry.

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Like the rest of the night, the drive home was less than thrilling. This time, Kelly rode shotgun, but after Leah dropped her off, I moved up front for the rest of the way.

We pulled into Leah's driveway, and she shut the car off. I unbuckled my seat belt and went to open the door, but found it still locked. I went to open it manually, but Leah put her hand on my arm to stop me.

"Can we talk for a second?" she asked softly.

"Now you want to talk?" I responded sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she replied as she moved her hand away from me.

"Let me ask you something Leah," I said, looking directly at her, "Do you regret last week?"

She looked away and didn't answer me. The ten seconds of silence was suffocating.

"Come on Leah, talk to me. Do you regret last week?" I repeated slightly louder than before.

"No," she whispered, still not looking at me. "Why? Do you?"

"No, of course not," I answered. "I just don't understand your mood swings. You're up, you're down. You want to hang out, and then you don't. It's like I need a manual everyday to keep up with you."

"When have I not wanted to hang out?" Leah asked me.

This time, I let the silence linger for a few extra seconds.

"Why did you invite me tonight?" I questioned.

"I figured that since we had so much fun last night, I mean while cooking dinner for the kids, that we could have fun again just the two of us," she said.

"But it wasn't just the two of us," I countered.

"I know," she stated. "I had plans with Kelly already, but I wanted you to come with us."

"Okay, then why did you ignore me the whole night?" I responded.

"I didn't," she answered.

"Oh that's right," I said with sarcasm, "you asked me what was wrong."

"Yeah, and you said that you were tired. So I let you be," she replied.

"Did it ever dawn on you that I only said I was tired because I didn't want to deal with you then?"

"What?" Leah asked shocked at my response.

"Because I did not want to ruin your dinner like you ruined mine." I said turning away from her. "Besides, this is not something that I wanted to discuss in public, or in front of Kelly."

"Well, let's discuss it now then," Leah retorted.

"I don't think so," I said, and opened the door.

"Come on Calie, we got to talk," Leah pleaded.

"Nope. Sorry." I replied as I got out of the car. Leah got out also and I turned to face her, "I'm not going to risk saying something that both of us will regret later. Let me go and leave me alone."

I wave of guilt rode over me as I slammed the door, but I didn't turn back again. I walked over to my house, and as soon as I put the key in the door to unlock it, I broke down in tears. I was glad that Gabe left earlier this afternoon for a three day business trip. He'd be coming home Wednesday night. I was able to make it up the stairs before collapsing on the bed, crying uncontrollably.

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Tuesday night, after not hearing from Leah all day, I went over to my best friend's house for dinner. Lexi and I had met our freshman year at college in our English Composition class, and eight years later, we were still as close as we used to be. We tried to get together at least once a month, but with our different schedules it sometimes got difficult.

Lexi had called me while I was at work to ask if Gabe and I would come over for dinner to hang out with her and her fiancé Austin. Austin and Lexi had been dating since freshman year; they too had met in our English class. The three of us used to hang out all of the time, and Lexi and Austin were one of my only sets of friends that never made me feel like the third wheel. So, I was not too upset when I told her that Gabe was on a business trip, so it would just be me joining them for dinner.

The three of us chatted in the kitchen like old times, as we all had a hand in making English muffin pizzas. Over dinner, I asked Lexi and Austin how the wedding plans were coming. They were not planning on getting married for another two years, after Austin finished medical school. Lexi asked me to be her matron-of-honor, and I told her that I would be honored. I also recommended the photographer that I used for my wedding, inexpensive but amazing.

After dinner was over, and the dishwasher loaded, the three of us went into the living room. The engaged couple cuddled on the couch, while I sat on the floor with my back against the leg of the love seat. Lexi turned on CSI, and I remembered the last time I watched the show; with Leah, in her living room, a week ago. We half-watched the show as we continued talking about everything, yet nothing.

We turned our attention to the show for a few minutes. When it went to a commercial break, I turned toward Lexi and Austin. They were in the middle of a very deep kiss. Just seeing them so happy together, made me yearn for Leah again.

Austin caught my glance and pulled away from Lexi.

"Sorry about that," he apologized.

"Nah, don't worry about it. It's no different than when we were all still in college," I teased, "besides, if I had a beautiful woman like Lexi, I'd do the same thing."

"What would you know about being with a beautiful woman?" Austin asked playfully.

They both laughed as I turned away. I wasn't hurt at Austin's joke, but my heart broke in more pieces every time I thought about Leah. I missed her so much.

"Calie, what's wrong?" Lexi asked. Her voice filled with worry.

"Nothing," I responded, and shook my head.

"Come on Cal, Both of us can tell that something is bothering you," Austin stated, "I'm sorry if I offended you."

"No, you didn't offend me," I replied.

"Look, we're all best friends," Lexi said, "what's going on?"

I took a breath to get up the courage to talk. I knew I needed to open up to someone and they were my two best friends. So, I opened up and told Lexi and Austin everything: from Leah's and my first kiss, to Leah telling me that she is in love with me, to the fight the night before. I felt like I was laying my life on the ground, I felt so vulnerable. I couldn't help but break down as I explained everything to them.

"Wow," was all Lexi could say when I finished, "does Gabe know about any of this?"

"No," I whispered. My eyes still filled with tears.

Austin got up off of the couch and went into the kitchen. When he returned, he handed me a tall glass of water. As he sat back down, Lexi tossed a box of tissues toward me.

"Thanks," I told them, "thanks for listening.

"Anytime Calie," Lexi replied, "I just wished I knew what to say to make it better for you."

"Do you love her?" Austin asked me. I had never seen him this serious before.

"I don't know. I have feelings for Leah, I can't deny that, and I want her. But, I don't know if it's her that my body craves, or a woman in general," I admitted.

"Does Gabe, um, lack in that area?"

"Oh not at all. Gabe is amazing in bed but it's different with Leah. I feel like there is so much more passion and intimacy. With Gabe, it tends to be about the end result, but with Leah, its more about enjoying the journey," I confessed, "but like I said, I really don't know if its Leah I want, or just a woman's touch. She's married too, and it really feels wrong. I mean, I know I'm wrong cheating on Gabe, but it makes me feel worse knowing the woman I am with is cheating on someone for me. I freaked when she told me that she is in love with me; I never meant that to happen."

"Kiss me," Lexi declared looking at me.

"What?" Austin and I said shocked in unison.

"Kiss me," Lexi repeated as she put her hand on Austin's thigh.

"Why?" I asked, still shocked.

"Because, you need to know if you desire Leah or women. This way, you'll know," Lexi explained.

"No, I can't," I replied.

"Why not?" Leah questioned.

"Because we are friends. I don't want that ruined," I answered.

"It won't be ruined. The three of us know it's a test. I mean you and I have to give it all we got, but we both know that it won't mean anything," Lexi responded.

"Yeah, but still." I was still not convinced that that was a good idea.

I understood where Lexi was coming from, and I appreciated her trying to help me out, but after fighting with Leah, I didn't want to lose another friend.

"Listen, I'm not accepting any buts here. Either give in and kiss me, or Austin and I will take to you to the gay bar downtown and you can pick up a stranger there. Either way, you are going to kiss another female tonight, so you can answer your own questions," Lexi said matter-of-factly.

"I'd listen to Lexi if I were you," Austin informed me, smiling ear-to-ear, "you know how she gets."

I looked out the window as I thought about my two options. I knew Lexi was right, I did have to know. If I didn't, it would continue to bother me for who knows how long. However, I really didn't feel like picking up a stranger at a bar, and Lexi was willing to help me.

I turned back to her and gave her a half-smile as I used my index finger to beckon her over to me.

"Oh, this will be good!" Austin exclaimed as Lexi got off of the couch and, on her knees, came over to me. "Hang on, I got to get my camera!"

I gave him the middle finger and the three of us chuckled. At least that was a way to break the tension, for now.

When Lexi reached me, she sat down next to me, and rested her hand on my thigh. I turned to face her, and got cold feet.

"I can't do this," I said, "it feels so wrong. I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Lexi asked as she put her hand under my chin and turned my head to face her, not unlike what I had done to Leah before.

"I know you are only trying to help," I replied, "but I can't do it."

"Why?" Lexi asked, not letting go of my chin.

"I don't know. I guess I'm not used to having someone else watch," I responded and looked toward Austin.

"Well, I can send him out of the room, but I think he'd rather he sit and enjoy this," she smiled.

Lexi let go of my chin and moved to sit in front of me. She took both of my hands in her own.

"Just focus on me," she said.

I looked into her chocolate-colored eyes, and found myself inching closer to her. It actually seemed like a Hollywood kiss; both of us holding back, then inching closer, then pulling back slightly. We repeated this a few times before surrendering.

Lexi took charge of the kiss, and her tongue quickly swept into my mouth. The kiss was good, great even, but different. I could tell that Lexi and I didn't have the chemistry that Leah and I did.

In the middle of kissing Lexi, I realized that it was truly Leah that I wanted...needed...craved.

When Lexi and I finally pulled apart, I turned away from her.

"Not the same, huh?" she asked.

"I'm sorry Lexi," I whispered, "but, no, not the same."

"I could tell by your body language," she responded.

"Don't get me wrong, you are a great kisser," I said, "but, you're not Leah. I really need her back."

"I understand. And, no offense to you, but I think I'm going to keep Austin. I'm not sure if girls are really my thing," she replied.

"Oh come on!" Austin exclaimed, "that was so hot!!!"

This time, it was Lexi that shot Austin the middle finger.

"Lexi, none taken," I countered as Lexi and I both laughed.

We turned our attention back to CSI and watched the show for a little while.

"I have another idea though," Lexi said when commercials came back on.

"Do I really want to know?" I asked, "the last time you had an idea, we ended up kissing."

"No seriously," Lexi replied, "Katherine's band is doing a gig in Columbus next Saturday. I think you and Leah should come with Austin and me."

"Same crowd?" I questioned, already knowing the answer.

"Of course," Lexi responded, "but at least you two could be open there."

Katherine was Lexi's sister, who was lead singer in a soft rock band. She was an open lesbian, and so were most of her fans. I had been to one of her shows and the scene was definitely different if it wasn't already expected: girls holding hands, hands in each other's back pockets, kissing, making out, all while not being afraid of being chastised.

"I'll think about it," I said, although I was already beginning to form ideas on how to get Leah to come with me.

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After Tuesday night's events, I really wanted to talk to Leah, but I wasn't sure if she was still mad at me.

Wednesday morning, while at work, I sent her a text message to test the waters.

"Hey! What's going on," I typed and sent to Leah.

It took awhile to get a response, but when my phone made the all too familiar beeps, I flipped it open.

"Not too much you?" the response said.

"Same old," I answered.

I waited to get something back from her, but no reply came. I knew that I answered the question that she asked, but I yearned for her to say something else, something to show me that she missed me as much as I missed her. I felt so guilty over everything that had happened these last few days, and it took me cheating on her to realized just how much I wanted her. Although was it really cheating?

I knew that by being with Leah I was cheating on Gabriel, and I knew that wasn't right, but what exactly happened over at Lexi and Austin's? Was that cheating on Leah too, even though Lexi said it was just a test? Neither Lexi nor I wanted anything from it, but I still felt so guilty. I really needed to talk to Leah, but no response came the rest of the day...nor at all Thursday.

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When I got home from work Thursday night, Gabe told me that Liam and Meghan invited us over for dinner, along with Travis and Leah. The six of us usually tried to get together every so often, and tomorrow seemed like a good night for pizza, beers, and a movie. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go because I didn't know exactly what was going on between Leah and me. However, I also did not want to ruin it for anyone else. The last time we all had gotten together, about six months ago, we had a blast. We had ordered some Papa Johns, drank a few Coronas, and watched Clue with Tim Curry. But, last time, Leah and I were also on speaking terms.

I figured, if nothing else, there would be four other people there that I could talk to. I just hoped that this time would be just as fun... and not be ruined for anyone involved.