Forced to Change Ch. 26

Chapter 26

I found myself having casual, mind-blowing sex in the middle of being chased by killers and fearing for my life, which made the latter not so pressing. Jared and I were in a bubble that was all about exploration. Sex with him freed me from my past in a way that I refused to examine or nitpick. I just went with it and let go of the ultimate victim persona for once and replaced her with someone else— who, I have no idea.

It was easier to focus on the amazing sex. I tried not to overthink everything and just enjoyed the new experience. Jared was like a decadent dessert that I knew was wrong to eat, but I ate and ate until I was sick of it, then I went back for more. I wanted to celebrate my sexual victory. I fell asleep feeling guilt-free and sated.

Then the nightmares that had been silent for years bombarded me. A subconscious dam broke and pushed every terror from Cantana back into my head. The images, the feelings, all of it slashed at me and ripped, shredding our little bubble until I screamed. No scream. No yell.

I was trapped in my past and split between my present. I woke up fighting, struggling, the past overlapping my reality. I knew it was Jared above me, only it wasn't him. He was replaced by the Commandant, Noel, Lana, Rosa, and even Paco. Then it was Jared and it was light outside and dark inside and dark outside and light inside.

Each breath tore from my lungs as I tried to make the images in my head go away. They wouldn't stop playing out and mixing up reality, fantasy, and nightmare. I gasped as the edges of the past melted and I focused on Jared. I grasped him in my hands, trying to turn him solid. I blinked at him as our pretty little bubble disintegrated.

His hand smoothed my hair back from my face. I felt insane because it wasn't Jared's hand that touched me, but the Commandant's fingers stroking my hair as he'd done so many times. Sitting up and pushing against his chest didn't keep my body from trembling. I scurried off of him and fell to the mattress. Nothing helped. Grabbing the covers, I pulled them with me. I needed to get away from him.

"Katie. Katie!" Jared said my name over and over. He tried to follow me, but I didn't want to be touched.

"Don't...I...No." My fists struck him and I thrashed on the bed.

"Katie, breathe. Just breathe."

He pulled at me, trying to control my kicking and screaming, but the tighter he held me the more I fought him. I had to make it stop. I had to push through the others and find Jared. His kiss, I needed it. I had to take control, so I did.

"I just need to feel something that isn't pain or fear, or all the things that make me feel like nothing is in my control... helpless...useless...small...victim..." My sobs broke apart my words.

"Okay," he said.

"Just do that for me. That's what I need. Please," I begged, even though I didn't know what I was asking him to do.

"Okay," he agreed easily.

Turning in his arms, I kissed him hard on the mouth. I wrapped my legs around the Jared that was too many people and tried to make him real. Our bodies entwined as I pushed my tongue into his mouth. He responded and returned the desperate kiss. He kissed my cheeks and nipped at my jaw, murmuring my name. My hands explored him. My fingers dug into his arms as I pulled him on top of me.

"Relax," he said, biting down on my shoulder. I squeaked out a response as he moved against me. A slight thrust against my sex, then he was inside me. He pushed harder and increased the pressure, filling my body. I melted around him. He groaned and cut it off by biting me again. I needed his bites. They centered me and let me feel Jared until I could see him.

I closed out the others, and there was only him, Jared. My fingernails dug into his arms as I scratched. It was cathartic, as if the pieces of my body and mind merged. He saved me again and again with each stroke of his cock. Jared wiped the nightmare away with each thrust and I felt healed and full. I screamed my release with as much voice as I could find.

Letting my arms fall to my sides, I panted, my eyes half closed. Even in a dreamy haze I could see Jared. He'd anchored me to the here and now. I was grateful, at peace for a moment longer. And then it started again.

He moved off of me as I cried. I curled into a ball beside him, my head in my hands. Why couldn't I let go of all of it? Just let it go and be free. Why couldn't I control what happened to me? I'd dealt with everything. I'd worked my therapy sessions. I did everything I could think of to fix myself, but I was still broken.

It wasn't my fault, though. It was Jared's. He knocked me out and made me remember it all. Now my brain was helping him. My mind continued to flash parts of Cantana at me as if that would help.

I was still missing something. The Commandant was connected to my present. He was still after me, still wanted me dead. I didn't have the closure on Cantana I so desperately needed, but with Jared's help I could have it. I wanted the Commandant dead. I needed that now. For a moment I couldn't see why that was my new goal. When it hit me, it hurt my heart.

"He threw me away," I moaned. After everything he'd done to me, in the end it was his rejection that did the most damage. It cut sharply and was still causing me pain, even now.

"Forget him," Jared spat.

"Oh, okay. Just like that? You say that as if it were easy," I said.

He swallowed hard. "It wasn't your fault."

"I know that," I yelled between deep gasping gulps of breath. "Is that all you see when you look at me? Do you see me as this broken little girl? The trash? The piece of garbage he threw away?"

"No, I see you," Jared said without a moment's hesitation. "I see you. I've always seen you."

"How can you? If it weren't for my father, I don't know what I would have done after everything that happened to me. When I got home I was happy. He was there for me." My words were calm, merely a statement of fact.

"My dad was the only person that didn't let it affect him. Everything that had happened to me meant nothing because he loved me. I didn't feel so broken anymore. But he left me, too. He died on me, and I don't even know how I'm still here."

"Because you're strong. You're a survivor. And no matter what life throws at you, you face it with your head held high," Jared whispered, crawling closer to me.

"I don't even know what you're talking about. Who are you talking about? I don't feel like that. Every day, just remembering to breathe in and out is the only struggle I can handle. Dot all the i's and cross all the t's. That's it. Anything more than that." I paused to wipe away my tears.

"It's like with college or medical school. It was too much pressure. Too much work. But the paralegal courses I did from home. I didn't have to face anyone. Easy. That's all I could handle. Everything else was just too daunting." I laughed in a way that was sad and painful.

"Katie, breathe, just one breath at a time," Jared reminded me as he rubbed my back. His hand moved in long strokes up and down my spine. Even during my emotional meltdown I found his touch a great comfort.

"You don't understand. That's not who I am. I'm not a strong person. I'm weak. I'm a victim. I'm always a victim. My mother. Cantana. My father. Now. I'm just the ultimate victim," I said.

"No. Remember what it was like when you took the self-defense courses. You're not a victim. You're not. Not anymore."

"But I couldn't even get away from you. Oh, but of course you know everything I'm going to do before I do it. Like some creepy psychic. You watched me, everything I've done." I swallowed hard. "You violated my privacy and me in every way possible. How could you do that? Why did you do that to me?"

"I don't know. I had to. Like you said, you were this broken thing when you came home. You needed someone to watch over you." Jared sat up behind me and his hand stalled on my back.

"But I had my father." I sighed.

"Then he died."

"You were already watching me before then and up until then. All this time, for six years. Why?" I sat up and turned to face him.

"I don't know," he said, rolling onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling, refusing to meet my eyes. We were both silent for a long while.

"You killed Noel," he said.

"Yes."

"I mean, you killed Noel Riaz," he said with more volume while sitting up.

"Yes. I had to. He was going to kill me. I had to," I whispered.

"That's it. That's why Jorge Riaz is still after you. You killed his brother," he said with something that was almost excitement in his voice.

"I know. Noel killed Paul," I said.

"Yes, but don't you see? You only told everyone that Noel killed Paul. You didn't tell anyone that you killed Noel. It's why Donnelly paid to have you rescued. It's why he hired us in the first place. He wanted us to kill Jorge and Noel Riaz. He wanted revenge and to save your life. He didn't know who killed his son until I rescued you. Carter must have been working with Jorge six years ago. It's why Carter wanted you dead, because Jorge wants you dead. He wasn't just trying to kill me because of what you mean to me. He was still working for Jorge even now."

"Okay," I said. Jared's babble made things perfectly clear. The Commandant needed to die or he was going to kill me. "What do I mean to you?"

"I don't know." Jared closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his face.

"Tell me," I whispered.

"Everything. Okay. You mean everything to me." He took a deep breath. "I eat, sleep, and breathe you. I think about you. I dream about you. I have this need inside me that says 'Katie.' I'm uncomfortable if I can't see you. When you were outside, it was torture. I didn't know if you would leave. If you left, I was going to find you. No matter what. I crept to the door. Finally, I had to come up here just so I could keep an eye on you. See you. I had to know where you were." His words were pressured, as if it were difficult for him to get them out. "I'm glad you didn't go."

"You're crazy. You're obsessed," I said, unable to keep the smile off my face.

"Yes," he said, running his fingers through his hair and blinking as he looked at me.

"That's not a good thing. It wasn't a compliment." I smirked.

"It's okay, you know. It's exactly what your therapist said. You need to know that. That it's okay that this feels good to you. There's nothing wrong with what we just did. Sexual acts are supposed to feel good. Besides, I kiss better than Dixon, right?" His voice was almost joking, but his eyes were a new level of serious.

I gasped. "My God, is there any part of my life that you don't know about?"

"No." He grinned.

"You get that's creepy, right? Creepy stalkery?" I smiled at him, touching his arm gently.

He shrugged. "Yes. Well, now I see it. Yes."

His hand paused as he caressed my cheek, then he pulled my face to his for a brief kiss. "You should get some sleep."

I sighed and crawled onto his chest. "I'm sorry."

"For what? You have nothing to apologize for." His arms circled me.

"I don't know. I'm sure every woman you have sex with freaks out on you." I smirked as I let my eyes close. "I think you think you know me. But you don't. There are things that I can't say. That I can't talk about."

"Me too. I'm the same. We're the same," he whispered.

"I want to tell you. So you'll know why I'm like this." I buried my head against his shoulder.

"I know you. I get it. You don't have to tell me a thing." He moved me off his chest and pulled me against his side, rubbing my back. "I'll find Jorge Riaz. I'm not going to let anything else bad happen to you. You don't need to worry, Katie."

He kissed my hairline along the temple. It was pretty to think that finding the Commandant was going to be easy. To think that being with Jared would make everything okay. His assurances helped me to sleep the rest of the day nightmare free.