Forest of Hungry Ghosts

Hafiz shook his head.

"Department of Homeland Security, you raghead moron. They stung your ass, big time. Just gave you enough to kill you, and even that came up way short, if you don't count Fido and Felix."

"Well, enough about me," Hafiz said. "What brings you to Suicide Forest, my subhuman infidel slash Yeti friend?"

"I'm looking for my girlfriend, Rei-san," Iso told him. "I think she might have come here to commit suicide after her father forbade her to see me because I have a lousy Level 2-C Salaryman job, even though I am the brains in my company."

"Want to blow yourself up?" Hafiz asked. "Here, you can use my backup IED. You'll probably need to hold it tight against your chest when you detonate it."

"Thanks for the thought," Iso answered, "but your primary device didn't work out so well for you. Here you are, after all, maimed but not a martyr. I don't want the same thing to happen to me. Plus, I think Rei is still alive. I can feel her in this forest. I think I can save her if I find her in time."

"Do you have a cellphone, Dude?" Hafiz, asked.

"I've tried calling her over and over again, but nobody answers."

"Forget that. We can use the GPS to track her down," Hafiz suggested.

"I never thought of that. Thanks, man. Just one small snag. I don't how to use the GPS system."

"Boy, you slants sure know how to build 'em. But you can't even use the shit yourself. I don't know what this world is coming to. No matter how hard we work to create a perfect heaven on earth, a Caliphate that will stand as a shining Fourth Reich until the end of time, it seems that some of you infidel dogs won't get with the program. Gimme that phone."

Hafiz pushed a few buttons and then headed out, presumably in the direction of Rei, of at least Rei's cell phone.

"Should be right around here somewhere," Hafiz said.

Rei stepped out of the darkness of the dense foliage. "Hello, Hafiz and Iso," she said. "Looking for me?"

Iso ran to her and threw his arms around her in joy.

"Is that your tanto sword, or are you just happy to see me?" Rei asked her three-quarters Ainu rescuer.

"Both," Iso said. "Wait a minute! How do you know Hafiz' name?"

"We spent a little quality time together. It gets lonely in this dark forest, Iso-chan. Very lonely. A girl needs to be cornholed from time to time. You know how it is. Plus, I didn't think you would find me in this Forest of Death. I thought you were gone from me forever, lost in the shadows of this foul place."

"You could have answered my calls," Iso said.

"No signal here in the Forest of Death," Rei said.

"What service are you on?"

"Verizon," Rei said.

"Verizon sucks. You should have gone with T-Mobile," Iso said.

"I don't think there is an area code for our present location," Rei said.

"What do you mean?"

Rei pointed her finger upward, toward the lowest branch of a gigantic sugi tree. There they were, two figures side-by-side swinging back and forth, hanging by nooses from the tree. Yet still they held hands. They were of course none other than the beauty Rei and her devoted three-quarters Ainu lover Iso, united in death as they had been in life, give or take a stolen sweet moment of cornholing here and there by a certain unnamed Muslim pig..

"So we're dead? That's what you're telling me?" Iso asked in disbelief.

"If it doesn't walk like duck and doesn't quack like a duck, it's gotta be a dead putrefying duck," Rei observed.

"Good point," Ainu said as he rubbed the rope burn on his neck.

"I guess this means we're going to be walking in this empty, crowded dark woods for all eternity," our flummoxed near-Yeti moaned.

"Not really," the failed suicide bomber told him. "This is Japan baby, the Land of the Rising Sun. All you have to do is say 'Amida Buddha' ten times and you are in like Flynn, free pass to the Pure Land, or heaven as the Christians call it.

"It's easier than accepting Jesus Christ as your savior while on your deathbed suffering from untreated syphilis," Hafiz observed. "Almost as fast as ordering fries from McDonald's.

"That's why I'm here," he said. "In Islam we had to engage in self-flagellation and blowing up third grade classrooms with pipe bombs. Our chicks were all wrapped up in burkas. The only way to get any poontang was to blow yourself to smithereens while taking out a couple of hundred infidels at the same time.

"You know, I was being to question these beliefs, before I maimed myself in Times Square trying to help Ryan Seacrest usher in the New Year with a really big bang on Dick Clark's 'Rocking New Year's Eve.' I managed to kill a paltry zero infidels. Zero, nada, zilch, unless you count Dick Clark himself, who died in the next year, possibly due to the trauma of my shock wave.

"I have fallen short of the great teachings of the Prophet of Peace and am spiritually bereft and empty," Hafiz moaned.

"There, there," Rei said, placing the failed suicide bomber's head on her shoulder and stroking his hair. "We're just going to have to try the Amida Buddha trick, aren't we? I'm pretty sure you're dead, honey, so it should work. Remember, I've seen your body up close, and there didn't seem to be many functioning organs in your chassis. It was kind of a mess in there. Plus, I don't see any tourniquet on the stump of your left arm. You must have bled out a long time ago. "

So they all held hands and chanted "Amida Buddha" ten times.

SEX AMONG THE TOONS

After a period a period of fogginess, Rei and Iso awoke in each other's arms. There was no sign of clothes anywhere in their vicinity. Iso ran his fingers over Rei's ribs and took her small firm breasts in his hands.

As he bent to kiss her, they both became aware of a flock of cartoon bluebirds surrounding them, straight out of Disney's "Snow White."

As he shoved his divine scepter deeply within Rei's body, his whole being tingled with pleasure. The ecstasy and purity of this sacred act were indescribable. If he was not mistaken, Tinkerbell was shoving her wand in and out of his rectum in time with the thrusts of his pile driver in and out of Rei's fragile, pure body. He felt Jiminy Cricket giving him a Shiatsu back massage to spur him on.

Soon Pinocchio crawled beneath Rei's body as only a two-dimensional cartoon can do. But there was nothing two-dimensional about his nose when he shoved it into Rei's rectum. Then he began to lie like Jodi Arias on the witness stand, and his nose grew a centimeter with each false word. Rei struggled to contain her pleasure at each growth spurt.

Soon Snow White herself arrived, with none other than Evil Queen in tow. The Queen whispered unholy suggestions to Snow White, who grinned lasciviously and passed them along to Rei. Then the Queen and Snow White shed their garments and jumped into the fray. Rei and Iso were soon experiencing pleasures that they had never imagined to exist.

When Iso and Rei were both spent and lying in each other's arms, they heard the sound of a panicked cartoon roadrunner's claws as they whirred in a blurred circular motion. Suddenly, a coyote emerged from behind a rock, swinging a top grade Acme anvil over his head. Before the hapless bird could say "Jiminy Cricket," it was hit smack dab in the kisser by 75 pounds of fast-moving iron. Its eyes popped about a foot out of their sockets before snapping right back as though they were tethered by elastic bands. Pound signs, ampersands, question marks, and exclamation marks swirled about the dazed bird's head. They were the last thing the concussed fowl saw before the starving coyote pounced upon it. Soon there was a blur of feathers. When the floating plumage settled, there was nothing but a happy canid licking the last of the roadrunner flesh off of a thigh bone.

One person's heaven is another's hell, Iso supposed.

TECHNICAL ISSUES RELATING TO VIRGINITY

After a few minutes or eons (time can play tricks on you in the Pure Land), they heard a voice crying out in the wilderness. It sounded like Hafiz.

"Help me, help me, won't somebody pleeease help me?" the erstwhile suicide bomber cum James Brown impressionist whined.

Iso and Rei climbed the nearest rise and peered down into the valley below.

There was Hafiz surrounded by a circle of naked people. Whenever he ran after an attractive female, she fled his grasp in terror.

"Hafiz, are you all right?" Iso shouted.

"Hell no, I'm not all right. Look at what that fucker Allah did to me."

Several cartoon figures of Muhammad popped up from the sand, seemingly eager to find out what would transpire from such blasphemy.

"Look at this," the angry jihadist complained. "See what that double-dealing motherfucker Allah gave me? I got forty virgins all right, but half of them are male. "I don't swing that way, homes. No, no way. The Koran forbids it."

Iso put his finger on an imaginary earbud, and surprisingly it worked.

"Wait, I'm being told by St. Peter that Allah didn't know which way you swung," he told the frustrated jihadist.

"But that Fucker's supposed to be omniscient," Hafiz observed. "Even so, He should have at least played the odds. Like maybe four male virgins and 36 females. Something like that."

The Mohammad cartoons grew quite agitated at this point, pointing their fingers at cartoon Korans, seemingly engaged in fevered theological discourse.

"And I haven't even told you the worst part. When I first got here and tried to do the nasty with a female virgin, they all fled from me.

"One of them said to me, 'How you do think we are all still virgins? A man comes near us and we all run for the hills. It's as simple as that.'

"There are some things that even the Big Mullah in the Sky can't do, homes", Iso told the despondent raghead, "such as creating an object so heavy that even He can't lift it. Horny virgins may fall into this category."

Hafiz continued his sad tale. "When I finally convinced one of them to play Poke the Clam, she falls apart on me like dust. Same with the second one, although that was kind of a rape. She tried to flee me, but her best time in the 100 meters dash must have been 50 seconds or something like that. Fucking obese Americans, not that I'm complaining, mind you. I watch the Kardashians just like everyone else. I like bootylicious babes as much as the next guy.

"But result was the same. As soon as I stuck my johnson into her ample hoo hah, she fell apart into dust just like the first one."

"You could still masturbate,"Rei pointed out. "You've still got your right arm. Count your blessings, Hafiz."

"But I'm a southpaw," Hafiz protested. "My right arm doesn't even know my favorite moves. It'll take months to train it. If I could commit suicide I would. But what would that gain me? I'd come right back right here."

Iso put his finger on the imaginary earbud in his right ear again. "Wait, I am being told by Saint Peter that the disintegration problem is caused by the very definition of a virgin. As soon as you are involved in an act involving penile penetration of the vagina involving your own personal penis or your own personal vagina, you cease to be a virgin and therefore if you are a thought-form generated by the concept of virginity, you will simply cease to exist and will fall apart into dust. St. Peter says that the dust part really isn't necessary, but the Heavenly Host are big fans of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer,' which is where the dust effect comes from."

"What the fuck is a thoughtform?"a buxom blond with humongous tits asked from the back row.

Iso passed on the words provided to him by St. Peter: "A thoughtform, or tulpa as the Tibetan Buddhists call it, is a projected thought that takes on an independent, quasiphysical existence. For instance, once you become adept at tulpa projection, you could project your ideal lover into the physical world, and he or she will take on an independent existence for a while, just like the images in a dream. You can even give your thought-projected ideal lover all the sexual appetites and perversions you like. You can even make seventeen of them at once. Butcha better be careful. If you suffer from guilt, you might not like all of things they will do to you."

"Another problem is that I can't seem to get out of this stinking valley," Hafiz complained. If I climb up the hill to the east, I find myself on top of the hill to the west walking right down into this same valley. Same thing with the hills to the north and the south. You try to walk out of here and you find yourself right back where you started. When you're on top of the hill you can even see the back of your own head. It's like we're living in in a Mobius strip or an Escher painting or maybe even a Klein bottle. This is not heaven, it's hell."

"You've been reading too many pop mathematics books out there in the Syrian desert," Iso told the obviously mathematically illiterate would-be mass murderer. "You seem to have gotten yourself stuck inside an unbounded Riemannian hypersphere, my homicidal friend."

"A Riemannian hypersphere, what the fuck it that?"

"A form of non-Euclidean geometry. You try to walk in any direction, and you come back to where you started

"Bummer of a topology," Rei-san said. "How the fuck are we going to get out of here?"

Not to be ignored, the blond with the bowling-ball sized hooters walked right up to Iso, and placed his hands on her luxurious titties. She then went to her knees then wrapped her bodacious hooters around his love pillar.

"Do these feel like thought projections to you?" she asked the priapistic Iso.

Iso considered lying to her for her own good, but in view of the fact that everyone was naked and he was sporting a boner that bore a striking resemblance to the Leaning Tower of Pisa embedded in the hot pocket formed by her voluptuous hooters, he decided to go with the truth. "No ma'am," he said. "They certainly don't.

"But do you want to test that theory, and let my Ainu monster pound its way up your birth canal?" Iso asked her.

The hypertrophied mammaries of the delectable thoughtform bounced as she shook her head no.

"I thought not. Don't want to shapeshift into dust pouring through my fingers like the sands of time, eh?"

A more petite tulpa approached Iso. "What can we do? The guys are all so horny," she said, indicating the 22 upright and throbbing phalluses in their little soiree with a sweep of the hand.

Iso lifted his hand to his earbud once again. He smiled and addressed the sex-starved multitude before him. "St. Peter says you guys can do anything you want, so long as nobody shoves his johnson up anybody's coochie, in which case both partners crumble into dust, except of course for yours truly, the delightful Ohayashi Rei (Rei gave them a deep curtsy, almost lowering her bush into the sand), and our fearless crusader for moral justness and ethnic purity, Hafiz Mahmoud (Hafiz doffed an imaginary kufi as gave them a deep bow). This is because we are not virgins and are real people rather than steenking tulpas. No offense to all you delicious thoughtforms."

"None taken," the buxon blonde tulpa said. "But what can we do?"

"Pretty much any act of moral turpitude condemned by the killjoys in the earthly plane, including but not limited to fellatio, cunnilingus, sixty-nine, analingus, many different types of onanism, including cornholing, single masturbation, mutual masturbation, circle jerks, daisy chains, cocksucking rings, coed alternating bracelets, choo-choo train pile-driving, cascading golden showers, masochism, servitude, dominance, cock, ball, nipple and labial torture, electronically-enhanced sex using vibrators, single-, double- and even triple-dildos, robots and androids, sex with alien creatures from different thought planes, sadistic torture with nip-rings and irons, body stretching with racks and wheels, erotic flesh cutting and piercing, to name just a few.

"Try it, you may like it."

The buxom blonde tulpa need no such encouragement. She walked right over to the seven-foot Nubian tupla and plunged her mouth over his wilt chamberlain. She tasted the juices of his deprived throbbing cock, guzzling them down her throat.

"Mmmm," she said to her fence-sitting tupla friends, pointing at the ebony skyscraper in her mouth. "Try it, you'll like it," she added, her tongue wiping the hot semen drooling from her lips.

And they did, both tried it and liked it. Soon the hyperspherical valley was filled with writhing bodies, engaging in every imaginable and mathematically possible act (and some that were neither, the laws governing this realm being far more liberal that the constrictive physical laws of Earth).

Iso slapped Hafiz on the back. "See my terrorist friend, things aren't going to be so bad after all."

A tear dripped from the failed terrorist's eye. "But I'm never going to able to thrust my wanger up the soft warm quim of a hot girl. That is my favorite thing to do."

"You picked the wrong religion for that my friend. Nothing but tulpas and virgins in these parts," Iso said. "Except for Rei, and she's mine all mine."

Someone appeared suddenly behind Iso and placed her hand over his eyess. He turned and was confronted by the voluptuous Jessica Rabbit, from the groundbreaking 1988 movie 'Who Killed Roger Rabbit?' in which the hidden world of Toons was first revealed to the public. There were no rabbit ears and carrot crunching with this one, although Hef would undoubtedly pin a bunny tail on her if he got the chance.

Jessica lifted her immense breasts out of their skimpy and seemingly inadequate halter and waved them up and down in Iso's face. "Do these look thoughtforms to you, suckah?"

Iso shook his head. They certainly didn't. They were superbly three-dimensional. Maybe even four-dimensional.

Jessica Rabbit grabbed Iso's hands and placed them on her astronomically large titties. "Do these feel like thoughtforms to you, suckah?"

Iso shook his head. They certainly did not. In fact, his Mister Boing Boing had arisen from Leaning Tower of Pisa position to full Washington Monument. Suddenly Iso had a flash of inspiration. You aren't by any chance a virgin are you?" he asked the pulchritudinous lagomorph widow.

"Not even close, honey, especially if you count my volunteer work at various Shriner conventions."

"Are you rabbit-like down there?"

"You tell me suckah," the voluptuous redhead said. She grabbed Iso's hand and guided it to the barely covered cleft between her legs.

She was dripping wet. She guided his fingers between her throbbing, pulsating labia and into her hot and hungry cooz.

"Nothing rabbit-like about you, sweetie," Iso said. "Nothing at all.

"I wonder if you could help us out here, baby," Iso said.

He pulled Hafiz out from the crowd. "This is Hafiz and he has a problem. He's got 18 female virgins here, but he can't fuck any of them in the vijayjay, which is Hafiz' favorite thing to do. As soon as he enters them, they no longer meet the criteria of virginity and fall apart into dust

"Bummer," Jessica Rabbit observed. "Another horny mark victimized by Muslim theology. Tell me how I can help."

"Maybe if you could pork him day and night until he can find some other willing nonvirgin partners. I think that would cheer him up a lot. Wouldn't it Hafiz?"

Hafiz silently nodded.

"Come over here, you crazy suicide bomber, you,"

"Feel this, man," Iso said as he guided Hafiz' fingers into Jessica's hot wet quim.

"Feels pretty good doesn't she?"

Hafiz nodded, tears streaming down his eyes.

"She's not a virgin, you crazy jihadist. She won't fall into dust the moment you shove your sword up her sheath. Do you think it might cheer you up to pork her every five minutes from now until eternity?

Hafiz allowed as how it might.

"Then go ahead, you crazy wannabe mass murderer. Get started.

"Our job here is done," Iso proclaimed.