Forgiveness vs. Permission

Carleigh and her husband had just finished a session of sex. As had been usual lately, the session ended after Ian had an ejaculation, but Carleigh had not. There had not been any orgasms for Carleigh in a long time. As they lay back in bed, a nervous Carleigh asked, "Was it good for you?"

Ian was tired of answering the question that his wife had now asked the last three times he had tried to make love to her. Every time he downgraded his response. "Okay. Not our best, but definitely okay."

"Ian, honey, since you're in a good mood, there is something I need to tell you."

Although Ian was leery of what she would say, he was hoping to find out what had been obviously bothering Carleigh the last four months. That was when he began to notice his wife distancing herself away from him emotionally. After six years of marriage, their sex life had slumped somewhat, and he had suggested trying different methods in lovemaking. She never seemed interested. He took a big sigh and waited for her to speak.

"Ian, I have been intimate with another man. I'm not in love with him. It didn't mean anything. I'm sorry and don't want to hurt you. You are the man I love and want to grow old with. I needed to tell you in hopes you can forgive me, and we can move on with our lives."

The anger rose quickly within Ian. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'BEING INTIMATE' WITH ANOTHER MAN"? After calming down a bit. "Have you been fucking someone else?"

"Please don't get angry. I wouldn't put it so crudely, but we have had sex. Ian, we need to talk this out, so we can put it behind us. It may even make our marriage stronger."

Ian sat silent trying to keep his temper and figure out what to do. He spoke to his tearful wife, "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom." Ian went into the bathroom, and for the first time in his married life, locked the door behind him.

Carleigh started crying when she heard the door lock, but her crying got worse as she heard him throw up. In a crackling voice she shouted, "Ian, are you all right?"

"Leave me alone." He paused before adding, "I guess that's what you want anyway."

His wife cried out, "No, no. That's not what I want."

After a short while and no sounds coming from the bathroom, she went to the door. The door was still locked, so she timidly called out, "Ian, are you okay? Please come back and talk to me. We can work this out, we have to. Ian? Ian, open the door, darling."

When she got no response, Carleigh decided to go to the guest bedroom which had the other entrance to the Jack and Jill bathroom. The bedroom door was open, and the bathroom door unlocked. She opened the bathroom door carefully. Looking in she saw no signs of Ian. "Maybe he went downstairs to get a drink" she thought to herself.

As she descended the stairs, she saw that the kitchen light was on. Carleigh was more hopeful now. "Ian, can we . . ." A quick survey of the room yielded no sign of her husband. The same results came from a look into the living room. Then she heard the sound of a car peeling its tires in front of her house. She got to the front door in time to see the red tail lights of Ian's car at the stop sign at the entrance to their cul-de-sac. Carleigh's heart sank. "This is not how it was supposed to be."

Carleigh retrieved her cell phone and called her older sister, Tonya.

"Hello, little sister. I gather by this late call that you finally told him. Is that it?"

"Yes, but it's all messed up! He left without talking to me. What if I lose him? I shouldn't have gone along with your crazy scheme. I could lose my husband over a fling that hasn't even happened."

"Carl, get a grip. Did he beat you? Did he kick you out? Did he threaten divorce?"

"Well, no, but he did yell at me. He's never done that before."

"I don't think you're in bad shape. He's probably having a pity party, having a few drinks, and considering what his options are. When he realizes what a fine piece of ass you are, and you still want to be his wife, he'll come back, forgive you, and you can go ahead with your fling having already been forgiven. If you think he is upset now, just think what we might have done if you had asked permission first or he had found out after the fact. The old adage of 'It's better to ask forgiveness than ask permission' is true."

"You better be right, and I hope Juan proves to be the lover I think he will be."

"Carl, you sure missed your chance last time. Once you do fuck him, you'll probably curse yourself for not having done it last May."

"Considering what I'm risking, he better be. I must admit, I have been thinking a lot about his kisses and caresses for the last four months."

"And the large bulge you felt while dancing?"

"Yes, that too." Carleigh giggled. "I'm still scared, but I feel better now, thanks, Tonya. What should I say when Ian comes back?"

"It's very important for you to be on the offensive. First you quickly admit that it was wrong of you to have cheated, but quickly dismiss it as a one-time mistake. Then make him feel he was partially at fault for treating you in a way that made you susceptible to another man's charms. Then you fuss at him for being a coward and walking away instead of talking about it. After that, he'll be begging you for another chance. Trust me."

"Wow, I would never have thought of that. I was prepared to tell the truth and then grovel and beg for forgiveness."

"That would be the worst thing you could do. Listen, I need to get some sleep. Call me after your next encounter with him."

"Thanks for the advice."

"That's what big sisters are for. Good night."

"Good night." It took a while for Carleigh to absorb what her sister had told her. She waited for her husband's return for a few hours but fell asleep on the couch.

Carleigh awoke to the smell of coffee. She spoke out, "Ian?" After no response, she went upstairs. There were signs that he had been there, but he wasn't here now. Back downstairs, she went for the coffee. On the kitchen island she noticed a yellow sheet from a legal pad. It was from Ian:

"Carleigh, you were asleep when I came back, so I decided not to wake you. I'm sorry I had to leave last night, but I was afraid of what I might say or do if I had stayed. I don't think you have any idea how much you hurt me last night. It is really difficult for me to believe you love me anymore. I even wonder if you ever loved me. There is no way I would be any good at work today, so I am taking the day off to think about what I need to do. I still love you more than I have ever loved anyone else, but I am wounded, and I do not know how to heal that wound. Please don't try to call me today. I will come to the house (he had crossed out 'home') at 7:00 tonight. We can talk then. Ian." He had originally written 'Love, Ian" but had crossed the 'Love' out and put a question mark by it."

Carleigh finished getting ready for work but could not do her makeup for all the tears that kept messing up her face. She called her boss, telling her she would be late. All day she debated which tactic she should use with Ian. Tonya's advice won out.

She had fixed Ian's favorite meal so that it would be ready just before 7:00. Anything to gain an advantage in the discussion to follow. He was right on time. Carleigh tried to be pleasant. "Ian, I'm so glad you're back home. I fixed your favorite meal in case you want to eat first."

"Hello, Carleigh. No, thanks on the meal. My stomach has been tied up in knots. I haven't been able to eat all day."

"I'm sorry. Where would you like to go talk?"

"I had thought we could talk at the table but since it's full of food, how about the living room?"

"That's fine." Carleigh let Ian go first. He sat on the couch. She immediately sat beside him. He looked crossly at her and moved to one end of the couch, turned and drew his right leg up part ways to keep her from moving closer.

"Okay, Carleigh, it's your show. What do you need to tell me?"

She took a deep breath and started with the speech she had prepared. "Ian, I love you very much. What I am doing is because I want to be a good wife, your wife. I have made a big mistake and am willing to take a just punishment. I must admit, however, that I am angry at you." This drew a look of disbelief from him.

"You didn't consider that your actions or inactions in bed might have caused me to wonder what I was missing with other men. Then instead of talking to me and trying to work out this bump in the road, you took the coward's way out and just left me hanging. That note indicated to me that you might not really be interested in salvaging our marriage. What about our future family which I had hoped for us to start soon? Was that just talk? It makes me wonder if you were so willing to give up that you might have another woman, or women, you have been seeing."

Carleigh could tell Ian had not expected what she was saying. She felt she was being harsher than she had planned, but once she got going, she was emboldened. "You are trying to complicate something that is very simple. If you want back the wife you say you love and concentrate on the happy life we and our children can have, all you have to do is swallow your pride and say you forgive me. Then we go on to a happy future. It's up to you." Then she couldn't help but add, "If you don't run away again."

Ian took some time to think. What he had prepared to say had gone out the window. "I had come here with the intention of trying to save our marriage. I was going to suggest counseling. But after hearing the nonsense that just came out of your mouth, I have changed my mind."

Carleigh stuttered, "But Ian, I want the same . . . "

"You had your chance, now it's my turn." She became quiet. "I can't believe you were so upset at me leaving after what you dumped on me. Obviously, breaking your wedding vow of 'forsaking all others' means little to you. Well, if leaving is so abhorrent to you, let me remind me that you are the one who left me first."

"But I've been here the whole time."

"I'm not talking about physically leaving. About four months ago, you started leaving me emotionally. Your 'I love you' became as rote as people saying, 'How are you?' and 'Fine.' Words of habit with no meaning. Then all the times I would be talking to you and ask you a question. Many times, you had to ask me again what I had said because your mind was off somewhere else. Now I realize your mind was probably in bed with your lover. What was worst was our supposed 'lovemaking.' For example, we used to be about equal in initiating sex. That stopped four months ago."

"That's not accurate. I have started love-making sessions with you lots of times."

"Oh yeah, tell me when was the last time you did?"

Carleigh thought but realized she couldn't remember. He was right. She had not been aware of the change.

Ian continued, "You seemed perfectly content not to start a lovemaking session. Even if I initiated it and you agreed, you were not an active participant. Again, your mind was probably thinking, 'If it was only, whatever his name is, making love to me instead of Ian.'"

"Carleigh let me tell you what I did today. The first thing I did was go to the Health Department and have a test for STDs done. You need to do that too."

"Ian, I guarantee you I am perfectly clean and . . ."

"Can you say that about him? Do you know for sure that every other woman he has fucked was clean too? Surely you don't think a man that would cheat with one married woman would have a problem screwing other women. Anyway, you can bet that if we ever have sex again, it won't be until you can show me a clean test result. At this point I get sick at thinking about having sex with you anyway. I keep picturing you with someone else in you and you giving him a blowjob." Tears were now coming from his eyes.

"Ian, I'm so sorry. It doesn't have . . . "

"I'm not through, Carleigh. Please, it's hard for me to do this. Let me finish." Again, he took time to gather his thoughts. "I also went to see my brother."

"Andrew? The lawyer?"

"Yes. He's not a divorce lawyer, but I figured he would know what my options were."

"There's no need for a divorce lawyer. We can work this . . ."

"Please stop interrupting. He said that if we divorced, it would be a 50/50 deal except I would have to pay some alimony. Given our incomes, it would be very difficult for us to maintain our lifestyle if we each had to pay for a place of our own. In other words, both of us would be screwed. Forgive the pun. I take that back. Don't forgive the pun. That near-poverty likelihood made me think that we should work it out and stay husband and wife."

"Forgive me for speaking, but that's what I want."

"What YOU want? That's the problem. You only thought about what YOU wanted, not what was best for our marriage or future family. I have come to the conclusion that what you want is to have a husband as a backup plan for the times when your lover, or lovers, are not around. Good old safe Ian. Give him just enough mercy sex to keep him paying the bills."

"That's not what I think at all."

"That's not all my brother said. He told me that his first advice was a lawyer's advice. Next, he gave me a brother's advice. He advised me to close all joint accounts, get my name taken off all utilities, make you pay for half the mortgage since both names are listed, and just leave. You would have the house but soon you would probably have to sell it because you couldn't afford the cost. In today's market and the little equity we have plus the 7% the realtor would take, we would be lucky to break even on the house."

"At first, I thought that even with what you have done, that would be too unfair to you. My brother then made another point. Although I would come out better financially in the leaving scenario, you would have an advantage over me in both options because you already have someone to help you out. Your lover could move in with you or you with him, and you wouldn't have to change anything with your way of life. Heck you could find an additional lover to take my place assuming you would only be satisfied with two lovers like you are now."

"STOP IT! Ian I can't do this anymore. It's a lie. I don't have a lover. I've never had a lover. I just made this up."

Ian stared at his wife in disbelief. "Carleigh come on now. How stupid do you think I am? Why in the world would you make up something like that? Something that you had to know would jeopardize your marriage."

Carleigh was struggling to continue. "I guess I need to start at the beginning. You see, I met a guy, Juan, at our semi-annual business meeting in Chicago. He's a manager of a store like I am. Everybody went out drinking and dancing and well, I kind of let him kiss me and feel around a bit. He tried to get me to go to his room. I was tempted, but I felt I couldn't betray you. I didn't do it."

"Then what's this 'forgive me for being unfaithful' shit all about?"

"I came back and told my sister, Tonya, about it."

"Tonya, I might have known."

"She told me that there was a way I could fool around with Juan at the next annual meeting and not feel that I had been unfaithful. Tonya said I should tell you I had had sex with someone and beg your forgiveness. You were supposed to forgive me, so I would not feel guilty when I had sex with him later. She said we would probably have fantastic makeup sex and our marriage would be better than ever. I know it sounds crazy when I say it now, but it made sense to me then. The bottom line is that I have not been unfaithful, not really. I have been stupid, but stupidity should not be grounds for divorce or for you to abandon me. You don't have to do anything. I am still the faithful wife you had before I told you that awful lie. Can you just forget I said anything? Please?"

"Stupid is a very good adjective here. First, do you realize that your sister has had the hots for me for a long time?"

"I knew she said before we were married that if I didn't want you, she wanted a crack at you, but that was it."

"I never told you because I didn't want to cause trouble between you and your sister, but, on the day before our wedding, at the rehearsal dinner, your sister asked me for advice on her congratulation speech for the reception. We went to a private place, so you couldn't hear. Instead of a speech, she informed me that I was making a mistake marrying you. She said she had much more to offer me and showed me what she had to offer below her waist. Tonya had raised up her dress and she had no panties on."

"You're lying. My sister would never do anything like that. She said you had made a pass at her. I dismissed it because you probably had too much to drink. Can you prove she did that?"

"Okay. Your sister has a triangle-shaped landing strip above her cunt. I assume you know that."

"Oh my God. She tricked me. Sweetheart, can you ever forgive me? Please, I can't believe I've been such an idiot."

"I guess I could forgive you, but why should I? You may have not had intercourse with your Latin lover, but you planned to. I'm not too thrilled about the kisses and groping either. Then you decided to lie to me, so you could have your cake and eat it too. There is still plenty here for me to consider divorce or abandonment or, my preference, wringing your whoring neck."

"Ian, please let's not throw away all the good years we've had together. Even though I was wrong, I really didn't do anything that bad. I fantasized about how wonderful sex with a different man would be. The fantasy grew because what might be is always more exciting than what is. I didn't respond to your suggestions about improving our sex life because I was getting satisfied by my fantasy sex life. I don't know if that is sick, or dumb, or just wrong. Probably all three."

Taking a few seconds to wipe tears and get under control, Carleigh continued. "I absolutely want to stay married and dedicate myself to becoming the best wife possible. I want to be a mother with you as the father. I won't listen to Tonya again. I will go for counseling, individual or together with you. I need help. Please, I'll do anything to make it up to you. Tell me where we go from here."

Ian was emotionally drained. "Carleigh, I don't have a clue. All I know is I want to be away from you for a while. I have the hotel room rented until Friday. I will look for an apartment but not sign a lease. On Friday night at 7:00, I will return and give you one last chance to convince me I should forgive you enough not to divorce you. The only reason I do this is because I can't stop loving you despite what you have done. Part of this is Tonya's fault but mostly it was your fault, and you made several bad choices. See you Friday."

Carleigh took a swig of straight bourbon and almost gagged. It did, however, calm her down. For the first time she realized that the potential love making with a fantasy lover she had built up over several months had caused her to ignore the wonderful marriage she already had in reality. After spending an hour of thinking of what to do, she called Tonya."

"Hello, little sis. What's up?"

"You bitch! How could you do that to me? At the rehearsal dinner no less. Now he's going to leave me. My life is ruined." After hearing no response, she went on, "Well, don't you have anything to say?"

"Yes, thank you for being so stupid. I did try to give him a chance at a real woman who would like to fuck his brains out every day. I wanted him bad and still do. I could not believe you actually gave me the opportunity. You fell for my plan hook, line and sinker. You have always been naïve and gullible beyond belief. This time you were just dumb, dumber, and dumbest. Don't worry. I'll console your poor mistreated EX-husband. He will not be neglected in the bedroom again. Can't wait till you get to babysit your nephews or nieces we'll have. I'll have to work on that soon. Not getting any younger you know. Oh well, I think I'll go work out at the gym. Got to look my seductive best when I dry poor Ian's tears. Thanks again, little sis." The call ended with Tonya's laughter.