Free Universal Carnal Knowledge Pt. 42

XLII

The teacher taught

They found Elspeth sitting up in bed, bare-breasted but not caring, looking dazed but definitely conscious, and radiantly happy. Laura ran up to her and grasped her hand. "Elspeth, are you all right?"

Elspeth appeared to have trouble focusing on this difficult question. She blinked. "Laura? So it was you earlier?"

"Yes, I was in here before but I didn't think you were awake."

"I was. I could hear you but I couldn't move or speak, I just felt so lovely all over. I thought you must have been an hallucination of some kind. How on earth did you get here, Laura? Are you one of the girls now?"

Laura uttered a wordless cry of horror at the very suggestion. "No, of course I'm not!" she declared. "I'm here to rescue you from this awful place. Get dressed and we'll leave now. Then I'll get the law on these people."

Elspeth laughed. "Laura, this isn't like you. Don't be silly. I don't need rescuing."

"Elspeth, you're not thinking straight. Look at you. You're eyes aren't focused, you're grinning like an idiot, can't you see what they've done to you?"

Elspeth really wanted nothing more than to sit back and savour the feelings of well-fucked satisfaction still washing over her, but it was obvious Laura would not leave her alone unless she pulled herself together and proved she knew what she was doing.

"Look, Laura," she said in a much firmer voice, "there's nothing wrong with me except I've had an amazing fuck. You don't know what it's like, I've got this lovely warm tingle all over my body and I feel so alive. It's wonderful, Laura, you've just no idea how wonderful."

"Not wonderful enough to lose your brain for."

"I haven't lost my brain."

"Maybe I'm the better judge of that."

Elspeth was beginning to get annoyed now. "Laura, why can't you just accept what I'm telling you?"

Laura's reply was evidently a quote – from where, I had no idea, but in all the circumstances it was brilliantly apt. "Scepticism," she said, "like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily."

After the merest pause for thought Elspeth retaliated in kind. "The body is an instrument, the mind its function, the witness and reward of its operation."

Even in these slightly unusual circumstances the teacher in Laura could not forbear to cheer. "Good quote," she slightly grudgingly acknowledged. "Who was it?"

"Same as yours," said Elspeth with a touch of smugness; "George Santayana."

"I didn't know," admitted Laura.

Elspeth was beginning to enjoy herself. It was not often she got the better of Laura in this sort of discussion. "The wisest mind has yet something to learn," she said condescendingly.

Laura sounded crushed. "Santayana again," she said meekly.

I cut in. "Well, Laura, if we've established that Elspeth is still in possession of her brain, do you think she can be permitted to stay here if she wishes? Nice quotes, by the way," I felt obliged to add, since I admire learning and had been highly impressed by these exchanges.

"Fascinating," agreed Fran. "Who is this man George San–?"

Fran's inquiry got no further because at this point Connie erupted. The explosion had, in fact, been brewing for some time. Since Laura's arrival Connie had conceived a steadily growing dislike for this stuck-up, interfering woman to whom everyone was being so unaccountably polite, and all through the tour she had been looking for an opening that would allow her to air her views in her customary forthright manner. But now, so far from permitting this, the conversation had soared off to lofty intellectual heights from which she felt totally excluded. She was literally grinding her teeth in frustration and rage, and so far as she was concerned these expressions of approval from Fran and me were the last straw.

"Jeez-us fucking Christ!" she exclaimed. "I don't know why James plays along with you brainy types! It gets right on my tits. Fran, this is just like that bloody stupid argument you had with him, remember? What a waste of time that was! Let's just tell Madam Nosy-Parker here to piss off back where she came from so we can get back down and dirty with James."

Laura was not the woman to be deterred by this sort of interruption. "Thank you for that helpful intervention," she said disdainfully. "But I'm not going anywhere until I've got to the bottom of what's going on here."

"What's the big mystery?" demanded Connie. "We all fancy James like mad. So we fuck him. That's all there is to it. The only mystery is how people that are supposed to be brainy can make such hard work out of something that's so … fucking … simple!" (She pronounced the final three words with a rising intonation and very slowly, as if each were a sentence by itself.)

"It's not intelligence, Connie," I told her. "It's education."

"Is it?" said Connie, still fuming. "Well, if that's what it does for you I'm glad I ain't got it."

Laura was shocked. This statement went against everything she believed in. "That's a dreadful thing to say," she said.

Fran unexpectedly came to Connie's support. "No, Laura, she's got a point."

Laura turned on this new adversary. "You don't mean that. You seem like an educated person –"

"BA with Honours from St Andrews last summer," said Fran.

St Andrews University, Fran had once proudly told me, was chartered in 1413 by a bull of Pope Benedict XIII. This means it has been around long enough for even Cambridge to take notice of it. When Laura resumed it was evidently with a little more respect for Fran. "Well then," she asked, "are you saying you wish you hadn't had that education?"

"Well, no, of course not," conceded Fran, "but I've come to realise it sometimes makes me think too much and worry too much and lose sight of what really matters. Connie never does. You heard what she said: 'We all fancy James like mad. So we fuck him.' That's Connie for you. While people like you and me get involved in grand debates and analyse everything endlessly, she decides what she wants and just goes for it, and she's all the happier for it. And a better person, too," she added graciously.

Connie sounded genuinely touched. "Gee, thanks, Fran. You're okay yourself, especially now that James has, er –"

"Corrupted me a bit?" suggested Fran.

"Well, come on, Fran honey," urged Connie. "You gotta admit it needed doing."

I felt I was not entitled to all the credit. "Well, Connie, I think you gave the process a bit of a helping hand along the way," I said.

"Sure I did," agreed Connie. "It was fun."

"Well, I'm sure I'm very much obliged to the both of you," said Fran, getting embarrassed now. "But the point is, Laura," she went on, returning to the issue at hand, "when the serum first affected me I almost went out of my mind with desire for James. I wanted to marry him."

Wendy was startled. Neither Fran nor I had ever got round to telling her about this. "What, my husband? Fran, I'm surprised at you. You shameless hussy," she scolded with a smile.

"Don't worry," Fran assured her. "He was very loyal. We ended up having this preposterous argument Connie was talking about, but she's wrong. This isn't the same. I was already affected by the serum and I wanted and needed James more than anything, and there was no way he could persuade me otherwise. And believe me, he tried. But Laura's different. She's not under the influence yet. You're free to go, Laura. But," she added, "you're a fool if you do."

This final comment so appalled Laura that for a moment she struggled for utterance. "What do you mean?" she finally managed to ask.

"She's right, Laura," chimed in Elspeth. "You heard Fran's description of herself, how she thinks so much she doesn't know what she wants. That's you, too, isn't it, Laura, only much more so?"

Laura was horrified and confused by the unexpected turn the discussion had taken. It was supposed to be about whether Elspeth was going to be one of my girls, but somehow the focus had suddenly shifted onto Laura herself. "Er – no, that's not true, I, er –" she stammered.

"It is true," insisted Elspeth. "Remember what you once said to me about sex?"

This is what comes, thought Laura grimly, of inviting a favourite student to share a few drinks in the Senior Common Room. She and Elspeth had got rather drunk together a few months ago and she was aware that by the end of the evening her remarks had become less guarded than usual. She was also acutely conscious that control of the current discussion had slipped away from her and she tried desperately to assert herself. "That was a private conversation, Elspeth, don't you think we should leave it that way?"

"You said," persisted Elspeth, undeterred, "that sex was such a silly, messy, undignified business you couldn't see why anyone got excited about it."

"I –" Laura began but Elspeth rolled over her.

"You said you'd tried it with men, you'd tried it with women, but now you couldn't be bothered with it and you hadn't done it with anyone for over a year."

I was intrigued. "Really, Laura?" I said. "That's not the impression I got from your book."

"You've read my book?" asked Laura weakly. This conversation was not going at all according to plan. She desperately needed a respite to think.

"I have," I told her, "and it gave me the impression of a vivacious, outgoing, exciting young woman, the life and soul of Cambridge social life, and very confident and forthright about her sexuality, a bit of a man-eater if anything."

"I never said that."

"Not in so many words," agreed Elspeth, "but the whole book carefully gave that impression. You knew your market. No one would have bought the book if you'd said you just sat in your room alone every night, reading."

Laura tried to defend herself. "I admit I enjoy my own company."

Connie obviously felt obliged to take some further part in the conversation, and show these academics that she too had some learning. "Not me," she interjected. "I'm more the gregorian type."

Laura was more confused than ever. What on earth was the girl talking about?

"Connie, it's gregarious," smiled Fran.

Elspeth was determined that this diversion would not let Laura off the hook. "So Laura, in view of all this, are you really saying you can't see why all these girls want to be here with James? You don't think it's got anything at all going for it compared with reading Ibsen by yourself back at Cambridge?"

"I love Ibsen."

"Answer the question, Laura," said Elspeth sternly. "Isn't there any little bit of you that wants a taste of what Wendy's got? Fran's got? I've got?"

Laura had had enough. Rather than answer this question she was ready to throw in the towel. She picked up the phone and addressed me directly. "James, you win. You can keep Elspeth. I won't interfere with your activities. Am I free to leave?"

She clearly intended this sarcastically, but it was a good question. Could I possibly let her go, knowing what she did, relying merely on her promise to keep it to herself?

"Laura," I told her, playing for time, "you're very attractive. If all I wanted was to capture you I could have done it hours ago."

The light suddenly dawned on Laura. "Ah, so that's what this is all about! You want to salve your conscience for ruining all these women's lives."

This got past me completely. "I'm not sure what you mean," I said lamely.

"It's obvious. If you got me to submit to you voluntarily, without the influence of your serum, you wouldn't feel like such a selfish life-destroying bastard. Well, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction, you creep."

That is the trouble with these brilliant Oxbridge psychology dons. You think you have them on the ropes and suddenly they come back at you with something like this. I had not liked the way she put it, but I had to admit to myself that fundamentally she had a point. It would hugely boost my ego, and ease what remained of my conscience, if a woman like Laura – proud, clever, independent – joined me without pheromonal encouragement. Above all, it would go a long way to prove Wendy's assertion that "any woman out there" would want what I offered if only she truly understood it. With acute perception, Laura had articulated an idea that I had been pursuing without even being conscious of it.

Now that she had kindly pointed it out, I found the notion more than attractive. But how could I achieve it? She was obviously on the point of departure and I was faced with a tricky dilemma between letting her go, which was impossibly risky, and exposing her to FUCK, which would probably mean restraining her by force. It would have to be the latter, I thought, and I had the necessary womanpower to do it, but I was repelled by the idea of having her physically held down so that I could get close enough for long enough for my pheromones to work.

I was still trying desperately to think of some other way when Laura spoke again. "Goodbye," she said. "I can't say it's been a pleasure."

Seeing no alternative, I had opened my mouth ready to order Wendy and the others to prevent her from leaving when another voice intervened.

"Laura, wait!"

The voice was Elspeth's. She was probably the only person present for whom Laura would have so much as paused.

"James may be willing to let you go," said Elspeth, "but I'm not. Not until you answer my question. Isn't there any part of you –?"

"I remember the question," snapped Laura crossly. "Really, Elspeth, where did you learn to be so persistent?"

"I had a good teacher," replied Elspeth. "She also taught me that that kind of response is an evasion. Answer the question, Laura, now."

There was an extraordinarily long pause. I could tell that everyone was looking at Laura. No one wanted to let her off the hook on which Elspeth's stubborn questioning had impaled her. Besides, I think the others were as awed as I was by the way the pupil was becoming the teacher with every moment. After at least two minutes of dead silence Laura mumbled something, but in a voice so low that no one could hear.

"Say again," insisted Elspeth.

"Yes, yes, yes, curse you all!" shouted Laura. I thought she was about to turn tail and flee to her car, forcing me to order my girls to stop her, but instead I heard her take a deep breath and continue in carefully controlled tones indicative of acute embarrassment. "I am very sorry. It has been a difficult day but that is no excuse for such an intemperate outburst. Let me do Elspeth the courtesy of answering her question properly.

"I admit that there is a certain interest in what James seems to be able to do, and I acknowledge –" the words were coming very slowly and hesitantly now, this was clearly very painful for her "– that it has troubled me sometimes that the physical aspect of my life is, er … I mean, compared with other people I, um…"

Elspeth helped her out. "You mean, when it comes to sex you're missing out on something good."

"Yes, if you like," admitted Laura. "So, to answer your question, there is a part of me that is drawn to this but," she went on more firmly, "there is a far bigger part that wants nothing to do with it."

"What are you frightened of?" persisted Elspeth.

"Loss of independence, loss of free will, loss of control, of course," snapped Laura.

"I haven't lost any of those things," replied Elspeth calmly.

"It's the serum that makes you think that," said Laura. "From where I'm standing, it's obvious."

"You're wrong, Laura. You're letting societal norms cloud your judgment."

This stung. In her book Laura had inveighed against women's tendency to allow themselves to be inhibited by undue respect for societal norms, like monogamy, that had outlived their usefulness.

"If only –" began Laura, and stopped.

"If only?" urged Elspeth.

"I was going to say, if only there were a temporary version of the serum so I could experience the effects but then return to normal."

I had to intervene. "I'm sorry, Laura, but so far as I know it's permanent and irreversible. It's a one-way street."

"But that's just unreasonable. It means no one can experience it without risking everything."

"Laura," I said, "this isn't a negotiating session. It works the way it works. I couldn't change it if I tried."

"But think what I'd have to give up. My career, my work –"

"Why should you give those things up?" asked Elspeth.

"I could still go on with my work?" asked Laura.

"You could do whatever you wanted," I told her.

"Ah," said Laura, "but that's the catch. I'd do whatever you wanted."

"Laura," I assured her with perfect sincerity, "I admire your work."

"So what you're saying is, you'd let me carry on with my work because you admire it."

"The way I'd put it is that your continuing with your work wouldn't displease me."

She pondered this. "But what if it one day did? Displease you, I mean. You'd make me stop."

"I shouldn't make you stop. Once you realised I didn't like it, you just wouldn't want to do it any more."

"Is that likely? That you'd become displeased about my work?"

It was my turn for a quote. "It is at best futile, and at worst immoral, to offer or solicit a binding promise about future feelings or sentiments."

"George Santa-whatsit again?" asked Wendy.

"No," replied Laura grimly. "Laura Stone. It's from my book. You're not making this easy for me, are you, James?"

"It isn't meant to be easy. I want you, Laura, with your eyes wide open."

Laura did not reply. She sat on the bed and Elspeth took her hand.

"Laura, Laura," said Elspeth softly. "Listen to me. I'm not your student, I'm your friend. You want it, Laura, you know you do. Don't be afraid."

"It's so hard," whispered Laura. "How can I see something like this and not want to know what it is?"

"Don't be afraid," repeated Elspeth. "What matters is, you're free, your mind's unaffected, and you want it."

"I want it," said Laura in a voice so low as to be almost inaudible.

"I'm coming into the house now, Laura," I said. "I'm about to come up the stairs and join you all in the bedroom. There's still time for you to leave."

Laura's mind was made up. "If I did I'd never know. I'm not going anywhere."

"Good girl," I said. I was on the stairs now. "I'd like you to tell me what happens, from your point of view. This is a new experience for me, too."

"Yes, I'll do that."

At the top of the stairs now, I finally disconnected Fran's phone. I did not need it any more. I appeared at the doorway of the bedroom and went in.