From Darker Places than I Want to Feel Ch. 05

© 2013

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I first posted this story on Literotica in 2013. As always, characters in this account involved in sexual activity are above the age of eighteen and those of you under the age of consent are discouraged from reading this story due to adult language, situations, and content.

This story is more a romance than a roll in the hay. If you're looking for a flash in the pants look elsewhere. If you're looking for interesting characters, challenged by difficult situations, then read on.

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So now, enjoy From Darker Places than I Want To Feel -- chapter 5.

Flashbacks can be hell.

=ONE=

Today was the fifth Saturday that Ryan and Sarah were going to meet. It was part of the agreement she made with him to discuss her life for his research into gender issues. She thought about that beginning as she ushered her nephews out of the apartment door and down the stairs.

It all started from a simple request made online to any male to female transgendered girl who might be interested in a research study on their lives. It almost didn't happen except for a moment of hesitation when Sarah, poised to down a whole bottle of sleeping tablets, decided to check Craigslist one last time. It was sort of like a farewell gesture of saying "goodbye".

Near the bottom of the page she saw the notice from someone named Ryan Sullivan. He even typed out his real name. He was so naïve. The notice piqued her interest; it was just too ridiculous to be anything other than legitimate. Who was this Ryan Sullivan guy and why would he be interested in a girl like her? He was probably some geeky academic who had no clue what he was asking.

Well, in a way she got that part right. He was a bit geeky and he didn't have a clue but when she met him she changed her mind quickly and soon found herself falling for him. She couldn't help it, he was wonderful, and accepting, and great with her family.

She watched him play with the boys while they met in the park. He was hitting grounders with a baseball bat to Bobby and Michael. He was trying to help them improve their chances of going out for a little league team. It was sad that the boys didn't have a father. Well they did have a father, but that deadbeat was spending five to ten in the state penitentiary for armed robbery. The jerk. And Anna, her sister, was a mess because of it.

Of course Anna wanted to see Sarah come off the streets and granted, with Sarah sitting in a hospital room at the time, she was fed up with that life too. She sat there looking like she'd been in a train wreck, all wrapped in bandages. They covered the wounds on her body caused by a crazy asshole, high on meth and something else, who thought she was some sort of sex-toy punching bag.

But part of the reason why her sister was so adamant was because she knew herself that she couldn't do it all alone, not raise two boys and keep them safe. She needed Sarah as much as Sarah needed her. And she also knew that Sarah would probably be dead or in jail in six-months if she didn't intervene.

She watched Ryan hit a pop fly over the boys' heads. Her nephews went scrambling into the bushes in search of the ball. She shook her head and smiled. The boys were always so jubilant whenever Ryan was around. It was as if he treated them like they were his own. She was falling for him for that reason too, there wasn't any doubt.

He walked back over to the bench where Sarah was seated and plopped down. "Here's a question for you, why didn't you ever go the S&M route? I did a little background work before I started this new research. From what I've read, it's often popular to go into that area for a girl in your position. And, if I understand it correctly, it can be rather lucrative advertising as a Mistress or Dominatrix, plus it keeps you in control. It also makes it harder for crack-heads to beat you up when they're tied up like a hog waiting for slaughter."

Sarah chuckled at the thought of a guy trussed up. It was true, she'd known a couple girls who had learned to use those techniques, and because they had control during sex, they could also keep themselves safe. One of her girlfriends even told her that by learning S&M properly it was a way to keep their clients safe too. The SSC or 'Safe, Sane, and Consensual' concept was quoted, although her friend admitted it was ignored far too often.

But the bottom line was that if she decided to go down that route she might eventually need to cause pain because somebody wanted it to get off. And that was something she simply didn't think she could do. She decided to stay away from S&M or any of its more extreme fetishes. Indeed some of the more extreme examples, such as golden showers, made her cringe.

There were some of her lesbian feminist friends that really didn't care for men; indeed some of them down right detested them. They used S&M to make themselves feel superior, and preferred the company of women. If truth were told, they hated male-to-female transsexuals as well. So none of that rang true for her.

Sarah shook her head and smiled. "That's funny about the hog tying, I suppose for some they might look a little silly all trussed up like that. But I have no attraction to any of the weirder fetishes involved with S&M; in fact some of the kinkier ones make me ill to think about. However, once, when I saw a Dom's client tell her they were into S&M and liked to bottom, I watched her visibly relax, because she knew then that she would have control. On the street, that's a nice benefit."

"One of the Dom's I knew warned me about the amount of effort I would have to give if I chose to work in that world. It would change the way I interacted with people. You have to learn how to manage the various fetishes properly, especially bondage, it you're going to stay in the S&M world. From the outside, it sounded like the girls had the control but that wasn't really true. Control takes work, and keeping your clients happy under your control puts you in the position of being their caretaker, as you constantly deal with the nuances of a client's fetish. I agree, the S&M world could be lucrative, but it was also very complicated. In the end, it would always boil down to a simple relationship of domination and submission. The men those girls were with were always their subs, never their lovers, and the girls could never allow themselves to be seen on an equal footing with these clients for the sake of their fetish."

"Think about it Ryan, just keeping up my role as a Dom would have made it impossible for us to be together as we are now, friends," she nudged his shoulder gently, "and maybe more."

He nodded as he turned to look at her.

She tilted her head slightly and smiled serenely. "We would never have met and my nephews would be strangers." She shook her head and reached over to take his hand. "So I knew from the beginning that S&M wasn't for me. I liked to be with men, and I liked men who wanted to be with me. And I always hoped that there would be the possibility of a deeper relationship developing,"

"So you were looking for love? Even in that world?"

"Yeah, I was naive, a little anyway." She gazed off across the park and watched the boys search through the bushes for the missing ball. She glanced sideways at Ryan and smiled wistfully. "It just took me longer than I expected to find a friend." She nudged his shoulder again with a smirk. "Apparently all it took was answering a crazy ad on Craigslist."

"Hey Ryan, we found the ball! Come back and hit another one!"

=TWO=

The Simple Grounds Coffee Shop was across the street from the university. It was a quaint little place that used to be a family home in the 1950's. Rob Anderson bought the place a couple of years ago and he turned it into a chic little bistro. It's become one of the more popular places near campus for students to hang out and study. Mainly because of the little nooks and crannies that Rob left intact. They made it a great place to curl up with a good book and sip on your favorite brew.

Sarah sat across the table from Trina in a little nook off the landing to the second floor. It was secluded and offered a unique view of the campus from the round cut glass window that overlooked the entrance to the coffee shop.

Sarah watched Trina sip her coffee. "Trina, I want to be upfront with you about something."

Trina set her coffee mug down and looked up, a bit concerned.

"But before I tell you this I want you to understand that if it bothers you, I'll understand if you don't ever want to see me again." She paused a moment and glanced away. "But I will miss you as a friend."

"Sarah, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, it's just me, I want you to know who I am, that's all."

Trina held her breath and nodded. "Okay." Her voice trailed off.

"I'm a pre-op male to female transsexual."

Trina let her breath out in a whoosh. "Whoa, didn't see that one coming." She paused a moment and watched her spoon slowly stir her coffee.

"Trina? Are you okay? I'll understand if you're angry."

"I'm not angry, surprised maybe, shocked, a little amazed, perhaps even fascinated." She looked up into Sarah's eyes with a mischievous smile. "Who else knows? Cavanaugh?"

"God no, I hope not. I think she suspects but I've never given her any real proof."

"Fuck her, what can she do?"

"Make my life miserable now that I'm taking classes here at the university."

Trina's expression was filled with determination. "That fucking cow. Let me know if she causes any trouble. I know things."

Sarah leaned forward, her eyes dazzled with excitement. "Like what?"

"Like she pads her butt and her bra for instance."

"How do you know that?"

"High school gym class locker rooms, I caught her mid stuff one day. Cavanaugh squealed in protest and claimed that it was just for a joke for her friends but I knew she was lying. I'd seen her do it plenty of times before. The girl is flat as a board, maybe flatter. And that cute little pouty butt of hers is as flat as her chest."

Both girls giggled and glanced around to make sure no one else was paying attention.

"Do you think maybe she's like me? You know, covering it up and trying to deflect attention to others to cover up the fact that she's not a genetic girl?"

"No, I've seen her in the shower, she's just flat as a board, that's all."

"Humph. That's funny but it won't touch her. I need something that will really shut her up. I'm not going to use it on her, I just want to rattle her cage a little."

Trina sat back a moment. Sarah could see that she was coming to a decision. "Just say two words, Shelly Rhodes."

"Shelly Rhodes? You mean the abortion clinic?"

"Uh-huh. She was sixteen. My sister worked there as a volunteer when she was right out of college. Our little Miss Goody-Goody Two Shoes paid them a little visit late one night after all of her protester friends had gone home for the evening."

Trina took a sip from her coffee cup and glanced around again. "She was out of school for two months after that. Her daddy had to pull some strings to keep her from having to repeat her sophomore year at Central High." Trina grinned. "Does that help?"

"Yeah, that helps, a lot." Sarah paused for a moment and gazed out the window. Clouds were rolling in; it was probably going to rain soon. "Why is it that the ones most vehemently opposed to people like me are most often the ones carrying the most baggage?"

"No clue."

"So, you're okay with what I am?"

Trina leaned across the table and took Sarah's hands in hers. "What you are doesn't matter to me. Who you are is all that matters and I think you're great. Now come on, let's take a look at the fall class schedule."

"Okay, but I have to go soon, I'm due at the law office by one o'clock today."

Trina nodded and pulled out the fall class schedule. "When do you see Ryan again?"

"Tonight, why?"

"There's a ball game Sunday afternoon, it's almost the end of the season. Bill and I are going and we wondered if you and Ryan wanted to join us?"

"I'll ask him." She thumbed through the fall class schedule and stopped at the course listing for Sociology and Criminal Justice. She pointed to a couple of classes and looked up at Trina. "Okay, you told me last time that Peterson is okay but Brinsteed is difficult."

The conversation shifted to the complexities of class schedules and finding a balance between work and school. Before long Sarah was stuffing her notes into her backpack and standing up. "Thanks Trina, you've been a big help; in more ways than one."

Trina motioned Sarah to sit down and come closer. "Don't underestimate that little bitch Cavanaugh, I've watched her do nasty things to people all through high school. She has managed to wheedle her way into a position of pseudo-authority and she'll use it if she can find a way to damage you."

"Shelly Rhodes won't shut her up?"

"Oh, it'll shut her up alright but she'll look for another way to get at you if she can. Just be careful. I'll keep my ears open too."

"Thanks Trina, you're a good friend. Bye."

Sarah turned and dashed down the stairs.

=THREE=

That weekend Ryan and Sarah drove across town to visit his grandmother at the Baynor Senior Center. It had been a couple of months since they moved her in, and they wanted to see how well she was adjusting. Later that evening they were planning to celebrate their six-month anniversary with a dinner date to the sushi restaurant Shogun. It was the place they went to on their very first date.

Ryan knocked on her door and opened it slowly. "Hi there, anybody home?"

Elizabeth looked up from a book she was reading. "Ryan, oh and Sarah too, how wonderful. Karen's supposed to drop by soon too." She stood up slowly and pulling her walker around began to move towards the kitchen. "I should make tea."

Sarah walked into the kitchen with Elizabeth. "I'll help."

Ryan dropped their jackets on a chair near the front door. "How have you been? Are you making the transition okay?"

Elizabeth busied herself by filling the kettle with tap water. "Oh, I'm fine. There are things that bother me a little but I'll eventually get used to the way they do things around here. I do wish they didn't try to treat me like I'm a child. That condescending drivel is exasperating at times." Elizabeth opened a cupboard door and pulled down several different boxes of tea.

Sarah took the teakettle from Elizabeth and placed it on the stove. "Have you spoken to anyone about it?"

"No, they all have deaf ears." Elizabeth pointed to a cupboard near the sink. "The mugs are over there by the sink, dear." She turned the dial on the burner beneath the kettle. "I've decided to reverse the psychology. I'll treat them like little children and perhaps they'll get the message that way."

Sarah snorted. "Good luck. People can be so thickheaded when it comes to preconceived ideas. I ought to know."

Ryan leaned against the frame of the kitchen doorway and nodded.

Elizabeth patted her hand. "I bet you do. The water will be hot in a minute. So tell me about school." Sarah could see the gleam of excitement in her eyes. "Ryan told me you're taking classes this semester. What degree are you going for?"

"No real degree yet, I just want to get my paralegal certification. My boss at work told me they would have a position waiting for me once I graduate."

"Good for you! How long will it take?"

"I'm hoping to be able to finish up next spring."

"Excellent."

They heard a knock on the front door and Karen poked her head in. "Hello? Anybody home?"

Ryan turned around to see his sister walking into Elizabeth's living room. "Hi Sis, join the party."

Karen stepped into the room and noticed Sarah in the kitchen. She hesitated for a moment then, as if setting her resolve, she walked over to give Ryan a hug and peck on the cheek. "Hi Ryan." She glanced into the kitchen to see Sarah watching her. She nodded with a meek smile. "Hi Sarah."

It was an awkward moment. All the excitement about Sarah's decision to go back to school seemed to have left the kitchen in a whoosh.

Elizabeth pushed her walker forward. "Let's go back in the living room where we can be more comfortable."

Sarah hesitated. "I'll wait for the water to get hot."

"That's not necessary dear, the kettle will whistle when it's ready."

Sarah stood by the kitchen door anyway, trying to keep her distance from Ryan's sister.

Now settled onto the sofa again, Elizabeth sighed as the room fell silent. She furrowed her brow; she didn't like to see such pettiness between the people she loved.

Suddenly, Karen stood up and marched across the room to throw her arms around a shocked Sarah. "I'm sorry Sarah. I was acting like a total bitch when we first met. You're so beautiful. It really shocked me when I realized who you were. Maybe I was a little jealous too, I don't know. I just wanted to apologize for then and for the future when I say something stupid again."

Sarah's eyes grew large as Karen hugged her, then they began to moisten. "Thank you Karen, this means a lot to me." She tentatively placed her arms around Karen and gently returned her hug. "For many reasons, being close to Ryan's family, to Elizabeth, and you, it means so much to me. Thank you."

They stood in that embrace for a long time, as if no one else was in the room. Ryan smiled and Elizabeth beamed for joy. Eventually, Karen sighed and let her go. She stood back and looked at her again. "Who does your hair?"

"What?"

"Your hair. Who does your hair for you? I love that style."

"M-my sister Anna."

"Is she a stylist? Would she take other clients?"

"Well no, she works in a bank."

"Would she consider working on me? I hate where I go now, they're a bunch of butchers, I look like Helen Bonham Carter on a good day."

"That's not true. But I'll ask her. She loves to do hair, she always has. It's like therapy for her."

Karen reached over and took Sarah's hands in hers and smiled sincerely. "Thank you."

Sarah shrugged and nodded.

Dinner at Shogun was fun. Sarah stayed well away from the wasabi this time. She even shot Ryan a warning look when he smirked as she put the wasabi in a small bowl and pushed it towards the edge of the table.

Afterwards they drove back to Ryan's apartment. In the car, Sarah leaned against his shoulder and offered a contented sigh. "Thanks for taking me to dinner. It was lovely."

"You're welcome. Would you like to go anywhere else tonight?"

"Your place?"

"Okay."

Once in the apartment she followed him into his kitchen and leaned across the island counter, placing her chin in her hands.

Ryan pulled a bottle of red wine from a cabinet. "Would you like a glass of wine?"

"Sure." She walked around the kitchen counter and snuggled up against him as he twisted the corkscrew into the bottle. She loved his smell. It was a mixture of soap, shampoo and his sex and it was intoxicating. She wondered if he thought about her the same way? Was he curious about how she felt when they made love? Did he ever make love to his wife Teresa anally? Would she have accepted him that way? Did he want to know what it was like? She knew that there was only one way to find out.

"Do you ever think about what it's like for me when you make love to me?"

"You mean..."

"Yeah, what it feels like?"

"I haven't, no. I just know how wonderful it is to be with you. Is that selfish?"