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Funny Sex Jokes


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The leader of all busily swimming sperms:

"Halt comrades! We are cheated! We are standing up to our knees in shit... "

A farmer had sex with his sister. Afterwards she said:

"You are fucking good! Much better than my dad. "

He replies:

"Fucking believe me, mom has taught me everything I know."

Two nuns were standing in a fruit shop.

"I will ask to buy a banana" Said one of the nuns.

"Buy two so we can eat one" The other nun said.

"What body part do you use the most when you are masturbating?"

"The ears! Because you listen to hear if somebody comes."

"Do you know why many guys baptizes their penis?"


"They do not want a stranger to make 80% of their decisions!"

Two deaf people got married .

During the first week of marriage they found out that it is impossible to communicate with each other in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they cannot see each other's sign language. After two nights of fumbling with various misunderstandings, the wife wants to find a solution.

"Darling. Why can we not agree on some simple signals? For example, at night, if you want to have sex with me, you can stretch yourself over me and squeeze my left breast one time. If you do not want to have sex, you can squeeze on my right breast." She signaled.

The man thinks that it is a very good idea and signals back to his wife:

"Great idea, if you want to have sex with me, come over to my side and pull my dick once and if you do not want to have sex , come over to my side and pull my dick fifty times..."

"Excuse me miss, but why do you have one red and one green sock?"

"Because, then it is easier to separate my legs.

"What is the difference between sex and lego?"

"I have no idea?"

"Keep yourself to lego..."

The hermits view of love: It is wonderful to love, but your arm get so damn sore.

"Do you know why Santa has a big sack?"


"He only comes once a year."

Steve went to a masquerade party, totally naked, except for a bottle which he had put on his organ. When the party had recovered from the shock, the hostess took courage and asked:

"What on earth are you supposed to be?"

"Fire alarm."

"How could that be a fire alarm?"

"Try it ... Smash the glass and pull a couple of times and I will come!"

"What is the similarity between Queen Elizabeth and an older shortwave radio?"

"I do not know."

"They both have Philips in the receiving part!"

Ivar walked into the pharmacy one day and asked to get 30 pieces of condoms. The friendly pharmacist made Ivar aware that it is the month of July and there are 31 days in the month.

"Damn you! I have other things than ladies in my mind!" Ivar said.

Ralph bragged as usual. He was sitting in the lunch room and talked to his friends.

"Imagine if you had a dollar for every girl you slept with." He said dreamily.

Then one of his buddies leaned forward and said:

"What would you do then? Buy the newspaper?"

Leonard the exhibitionist thought to dress himself as Adam on the next masquerade. He went to a shop for entertainment articles and asked for fig leaves. The clerk picked up a leaf but Lennart stated that it was just too small. Then she picked up a major leaf.

"Too little." Leonard said contentedly.

"Then I can make a suggestion. Grab your dick and hang it around your neck, put it in your ear and pretend that you are a fuel pump!" The saleswoman said.

The Count called home and said:

"Tell the Countess that I am on my way home. She can put on her sexy underwear and go to bed!"

The maid replied:

I will tell her that. From who should I greet her?

A dwarf and a blonde in a short skirt were waiting for the bus. When the bus arrived the blonde pushed away the dwarf in front of her, who became pissed and said:

"Do not push me fucking brunette!"

"I'm actually a blonde!" She said.

"Not from where I see it..." The dwarf replied.

"Jean! Go and check if the postman has arrived!" The Count roared.

The butler went away and returned about half an hour later.

"It took you damn long time!" The Count roared.

"Yes gracious sir! The Countess did everything she could, but he just layed there and panted. But eventually he came!"

"Why does blondes never speak when they have sex?"

"Because their parents have told them to not talk to strangers."

There was a hearing-impaired who would teach a deaf-mute to speak and he signed:

"You have to take off all your clothes, and you have to turn around and stand on all fours, also you have to take off your underwear too."

Then the hearing-impaired drove his dick with a fucking speed straight into his ass and the deaf-mute screamed:


"Tomorrow I will teach you to say b." The hearing-impaired said.

"Do you know what rabbits do in the spare time?"


"Miss has great legs! Do you want to trade?

"I would love that. What do I get in between?"

"A stiff one perhaps?"

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