Funny Stories and Observations

The name says some of it. We have all seen or heard some of what I am writing about in this story. How often have we said to ourselves, "Don't people look in a mirror before they leave home?" It is a good question but what is the answer to it? I haven't the foggiest idea how to tell someone that they need to rethink what they look like without getting slapped. The other area is why they don't check to see if there brain is engaged before they start a conversation that can do harm.

There was once this regular customer who came into the store in a Mu-Mu type of dress. Now I need to say the following as a visual, the woman was amply endowed and even though the dress was flowing it was evident as was the scooping neckline. I had forgotten about it as there was nothing spectacular about her and that she didn't need help in the area of the store I worked in. She was still in the store when I was coming back from lunch and as is my wont, I would look down each of the aisles as I passed. This lady apparently had never heard of a modesty squat and had bent completely over to get something on the bottom shelf. I was able to see items at the other end of the aisle thanks to the scoop, and the customer on the back side got an even more daring view. There was nothing to be missed. She acted as if this was normal and went on about her shopping.

In another instance was the six young people who had come in from a day at the lake on a hot summer evening. This is something that happens regularly enough that you rarely think about it. But what brought it to my attention is that management decided to get involved that night. A description may help here. The five young women were in two piece swimsuits and the only male was in a Speedo swimsuit. There were no form of cover-up for any of them. As is normal for this, the young women realized it was cold in the refrigerated aisle all at the same time as arms and hands proceeded to cover-up areas. About this time the night manager decided that he needed to ask them to leave and come in more appropriately dressed. He failed as the only person he asked was the young man who promptly went out, got a shirt and then re-entered the store. I need to say the following, the manager always touted how moral he was based on his religious upbringing. He failed this test. Every female clerk took him to task for not being as moral with the young women as he was with the young man and that he was the worst form of sexist. He had no answer to that.

You also get the customer who comes in with a portion of an advertisement that uses the same colors as your company's ad but is actually a different one. This couple comes in regularly and demands that they get a sale product that is advertised. You know for a fact it is not on sale. You go so far as to re-checking the weekly ad and show it to them. They eventually show the ad that they brought in it is for the competition across the street. Even when they have been informed of this and that we don't have the product in question, they continue to come in for the same product each time it is on sale and then get angry that we don't have it in stock for the sale.

There is also the building contractor who comes in every day and gets seafood. It is usually a good amount, enough for two to four servings. He then goes out to the bar to do his paperwork for 2-3 hours before going home with his purchase. Now, one would think that on a hot day (90-105 degrees) you would either have some type of ice chest/cooler to put perishables in on hot days. Not this guy. He puts it on his dashboard of his truck so the sun cooks it. The next day he is back into the store saying that they had sold him fish that was bad and had an odor when he got home. Too many people knew he was doing this and would start to laugh after a while. We still give him a new batch of fish each time for free, and he still continues to do what he does.

Had a customer who would buy birthday cakes about 6 times per year. She never left the store without some type of complaint that earned her a discount or a return so that she got a full refund. This went on for years. The department manager finally had it one day when they woman complained that the colors on the cake were not an exact match. The picture was of a cake that was made out of styrofoam and plastic so the colors appear brighter. She was invited to go to the competition for her next cake order.

This was also one of the customers who would wait for a line to build up around the deli counter before she would ask for custom sliced lunch meats and cheeses that would take a while to prepare, up to half an hour. She also would not accept the fresh pre-cut of the same product as it was always too thick and yet it was the same thickness that she would take home each time. She would tell her daughter that no matter what was going on or how busy they had to do this for them. Her husband would come in and would say he needed it fresh sliced as he was not wanting to get into an argument with her if she asked.

I felt sorry for a husband one night when he came into the store to pick up a cake his wife had ordered for the gathering they were having that night. I had taken the order the night before so when he questioned the order I brought out, I explained that it had been repeated to her three times and that she had ordered enough to feed 60 guests. I had no idea why he had blown a gasket at this point, nor why the profanities came out. Ten minutes later he came back and apologized. He had talked to his wife and had it confirmed that I had read it back and that was the size she wanted. That was when he told me the guest list consisted of only 6 people including his wife and him.

We get many tourists during the year. They usually get flustered when they order a sandwich and see how much meat goes on one. Our standard amount is 4 ounces (113 grams) per sandwich. All of a sudden you get anxious looks and voices going "too much, take it off". It baffles us, as we are not as aware of what other countries consider as normal. And for the price we are charging them, we would think they would want all it includes. There are sandwich shops in my area that the average weight is closer to half a pound (227 grams) per sandwich. Of course our concept of eating while driving would seem as odd to them also.

There was a diner/cafe in town that was older and had a clientele that had a tendency to be verbose and opinionated not only politically but on other subjects as well. Some of the customers knew no bounds to good taste. The fact the owner would egg on a few of the more offbeat characters didn't help matters much. The major parts of these discussions were around the counter area as it was in a u-shape. You had the Democrats on one side, the Republicans on the other with the Independents in the middle. Now the owner had three sets of televisions going on three different news channels that matched these same groups. The arguments about which was more correct would start it off and make it escalate even more.

One of the characters told everyone that he had made his opinion known on a national call in radio show for conservative thought. You need to know that the cafe was filled and semi loud. When he told the owner of the cafe and others what he had said, the whole cafe went dead silent. His statement that the military needed to take over the government and take care of the problem elected officials made people extremely uncomfortable to say the least. He couldn't understand why they had cut him off this radio show or that there was no response to his statement by the talk show host. It was what he understood the host was trying to convey that caused him to say this and to fully believe it. It was sad as this is a basically good person, he just takes things too literally.

He has a friend that is about the same. Sadder still is that this one has no problem talking about how bad anyone other than whites are. I guess he forgets all groups have people that give a group a bad name. In this particular instance he found out what happens when one opens his mouth and inserts his foot and chews to the hip. He was commenting about Mr. Obama and his skin color and how bad a person that made him. What he didn't know was that there was a grandmother (white) with her two grandchildren (African-American) with her for dinner. After his comments this wonderful lady got up and came around the corner and laid into him in less than kind words. She also enlightened him that he was nothing to talk about what is good or bad, that she felt sorry for his poor wife and that she needed to keep him locked away from good people. When she left, he turned to his best friend and asked why he clammed up and didn't help defend him. The answer was classic. He replied, "because you deserved it and she was right". Sadly it didn't seem to register as all it did was make him check around corners the next time he opened his mouth.

They had a new customer come in one day. The man sat at the middle part of the counter and was looking at the news. During a commercial he notices a sign that said "Obama on Board". He asked the manager if it was a joke or something. The manager said his dad owned the restaurant and that it was real and was a way to open up discussion of politics. The man seemed upset but didn't cancel his order. Took two bites of his food and asked for the check, paid it and said he would never return because of the sign.

While I have mentioned those against the current man in office I will now mention that there were attitudes from the other side as well. In many cases I found that while the Republicans would rant and rave a lot, the Democrats had a tendency to ask questions about what the other side was saying. Usually one of two things would happen, either they would get upset, and walk out to cool off or take it head on and get into a distance shouting match so everyone could hear. Neither side would win a point. Neither did they really care, about winning the argument or about the other person. They just knew that they had someplace to come to complain and have political discussions that were lively.

Did I say that this cafe folded after just a few years because people didn't care for the politics and the arguments. The food was good. The owner couldn't leave well enough alone and would not even consider a disclaimer for the door that it could get heated inside by discussions. Sad for many people as they lost a place to go.

Played firefighter for a few years. Had the opportunity to pull a gag on a friend. It went something like this. This friend was complaining about his sister-in-laws husband. I mentioned that he meant his out-law. He needless to say gave me a strange look of "HUH". So I explained that his wifes sister was his in-law as there was a blood tie at that point. On the other hand, as he had no relation to the sisters husband by blood then he must be the guys out-law. Now say this with a straight face and it sounds logical. The friend bought it for about five weeks until someone told him he had been had. He wasn't too happy with me for a bit.

Worked in a restaurant for a bit as a cook. We had this very blond, curvy server working there. It was easy to get her to fall for anything said to her. On this particular occasion it was the day after her birthday and she was working with me. Her party was at the restaurant the night before in the bar. She was known for drinking and being a bit forgetful about what occurs during her partying. All I had asked her was if she remembered dancing with the really short guy most of the night. (Needless to say there was no short guy but you need to start somewhere with a gag.) So she goes into the bar and ask the locals if she had danced with a short guy, she told them I had asked her about it. They all stepped on the bandwagon and embellished the story. She even asked the manager if she had danced with a short man and it was answered that she had. Management had no idea what was happening but went along with it. This went on for a few hours until I let her off the hook.

This same waitress for some reason never learned her lesson about me and jokes and gags. It wasn't the first time I pulled one on her and it wasn't the last.

I did have a customer one night that was trying to prove a point to her clients she was buying dinner for that night. The server who took the order came back after taking the food out to the table. Before it was even set on the table woman decided to send it back to be re-cooked. It was sent back out with a freshly cooked rib steak and again it was returned without being placed on the table. This went on for two more times. The last saying it was too tough, though she had never even cut into or tasted it. So divine wisdom and whimsical opportunity took over. My cooking partner asked what I was going to do as each steak was cooked correctly. I smiled, pulled out the tenderizing hammer, and proceeded to pound the nice looking rib steak into a flat as a pancake piece of carne asada. By this point the customers that were in the seating area heard the pounding and wanted to know what was happening. Anyone that asked was told that a specific table had complained too much without even trying the food too many times. Ironically the complaining customer accepted the steak that time, her clients fired her after the dinner was paid for, and every customer that passed her table enlightened her about how they felt.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about the end results of the steaks she sent back. Fajitas for the whole crew that night.

Worked in another cafe that was an all nighter. We had this one guy who would come in and had a problem with how his food was always cooked. I finally figured out what he wanted. His toast had to be burnt. His chicken fried steak had to be cooked, poked with a fork and then re-cooked for an additional 3 minutes. His hash browned potatoes had to be browned on both sides and then placed in the deep fryer until they were crispy. The eggs were the hardest as he wanted them extra-lite in cooking, this means that they had to be set yet still slimy to look at. He loved the presentation and never complained again.

That's about it for this edition. Hope there was a chuckle or two for you.