G Wubya and the Oil Slick Road

TIN MAN: Why, you double dealing son of a ....

US: Don't blame me. It was a bureaucratic oversight.

Tin man turns angrily towards BUREAU CAT who cringes

BUREAU CAT: Ah, come on, it's not my fault. I didn't know. And even if I did..... You have to have a lot of guts, to take on issues like that. And I just don't. That's what I'm here for. Pay up, buster!

US: GODDAMN IT. I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU COURAGE IF I DON'T WANT TO! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING IN HERE MAKING DEMANDS ANYWAY?

BUREAU CAT: That's it. I'm out of here.

He turns and starts to leave

US: YOU DON'T LEAVE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO LEAVE!

NARRATOR: BUREAU CAT collapses in terror, clutching his chest. He lands on wires which lift a curtain revealing an American consumer sitting on a couch watching a huge TV wearing a sweat suit. The consumer's sex is indeterminate. S/he's eating microwave popcorn and smoking a cigarette. S/he stares, transfixed at the TV flicking from channel to channel. War news and soap operas are interspersed with auto ads, ads for politicians, etc. Game shows offer free cars, trips and anything else an American consumer could want. The back wall of the living room is covered with pictures of cars, and advertising slogans. The house is filled with electronic gadgets children's toys and empty fast food containers.

LIBERTY: Of course he can leave. It's a free country, isn't it?

US: HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? I DON'T HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK TO NEW YORK, YOU KNOW! I CAN SEND YOU OFF TO A LITTLE BACK-WATER NATION AND WATCH YOU LANGUISH!

LIBERTY: You could try. Or maybe you'd rather melt me down and turn me into missiles. What country would you aim them at next?

US: Ahh, lighten up fer Chrissakes, Liberty. And get your rusty butt out of the way of the TV. You're interfering with reception.

NARRATOR: The TV goes off and the lights go out.

US: Jesus Christ, what now? (Fiddles with the remote a bit, shrugs her shoulders.)

NARRATOR: US looks at his/her watch.

US: Opps gotta go. Time to pick up the kids. Oh shit, I'm out of gas.

THE CURTAIN FALLS

THE FINAL ACT (Version 2)

Scarecrow rides triumphantly into town in an ice cream truck with a large cone on top doubling for a radar dish. The truck is playing the so, so familiar Mr. Softie slogan and is the lead vehicle of a circus parade. Scarecrow is flanked by US soldiers handing our ice cream and pamphlets. In addition pamphlets and balloons are falling from US Military air support. The second vehicle in the parade is a media caravan with all of the Network Insignia. It likewise has a satellite dish on top. The next vehicle is a huge RV with "Disney, McDonalds, Nike, Budweiser, Coca Cola, various American automobile, and Universal Studios insignia on its side. There is an excited, carnival-like atmosphere in the air. Ronald McDonald clowns and life-sized Disney characters are working the crowd, explaining about plans for the theme park and the nutritional value of junk food. Several recent Oscar winners are vying for media attention. Saddam and his entourage head off into the desert on camels. No one pays any attention until Liberty points at their disappearing silhouettes.

Liberty: Well, I guess they won't have to stop or gas on their way out of town.

Scarecrow: (shouting) All is well. The 'Mercans are here. Your liberators have finally arrived.

The 'Mercan contingent breaks into song"

Ding dong, the spook is gone

Which old spook?

The Mid East spook

Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone

High ho gas prices go

Sing it high, sing it low

Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone

He's gone where Ben Laden's gone

So long, so long, so long

So long, so long so long now sing

And sing the song

Ding dong the spook is gone

Drop your guns or you'll be dead

Don't you know the wicked spook is gone?

Put down your weapons peacefully and join the celebration. Shock and awe, part II is about to begin.

Iraqi soldier: What's that?

Scarecrow: It's the first stage of the 'Mercan reconstruction plan. Now that we've taken your land and secured the oil fields (of course you'll be compensated in 'Mercan dollars) we going to finish leveling this area and construct a huge amusement park. Everything you've ever desired will be right here at your finger tips. And you'll even have the dollars to pay for it. If you're lucky, you may be selected to receive twenty acres and a camel.

Liberty, Tin Man and BUREAU CAT see Scarecrow and join him in front of the ice cream truck. Scarecrow, Tin man and BUREAU CAT hug excitedly. Liberty holds back, looking in wonder at the enfolding show.

BUREAU CAT: Boy that was a scary war. I thought I was toast.

Liberty: That evil spook was going to melt me down.

Scarecrow: Well we showed them, didn't we? I think the troops can have everything under control now. We can go home. I've called for Air Force One to fly us back to Washington in comfort.

BUREAU CAT: We've earned a break.

Tin Man: That's for sure. Uh. Don't forget to fill my oil can on the way out. The desert's been hell on my metal.

Scarecrow (smiling expansively): No problem, pardner. There's plenty of that now; For a while, anyway.

NARRATOR: Back at the Capitol

Narrator: The four travelers have been feted and feasted, and made much of by the media. They're cleaned up and in great spirits. The war, they hear, is going well and is winding down. They figure they've earned their rewards from US. They arrive at the door of the capitol and ring the bell.

Chatty Cappy: You again. Can't you read the sign?

In unison: What sign?

Chatty Cappy looks down. Seeing no sign

Chatty Cappy: Oh for heaven's sake. Here.

She places a sign on the door knob and slams the door shut.

In unison they read: Bell out of order. Please knock.

Liberty bangs on the door. Chatty opens it.

Chatty Cappy: That's better. Now, what do you want?

Liberty: We've come to see the Wizard. Tell him it's us and we've done everything and more that he asked. We're here for our rewards.

Chatty Cappy: Humph. I'll see if you will be received. US's very busy. There's a war on you know.

Scarecrow: Duh. (To Tin Man.) What a bimbo)

The door slams shut.

Liberty: Crap! After all we've done you'd think we'd get a better reception than that.

The doors open again after only a brief pause.

Chatty Cappy: You must be important. US will see you right away.

The travelers walk up to the microphone together

US: I AM US THE GREAT AND POWERFUL. YOU HAVE SERVED ME WELL

Liberty: That's right. Now it's time to pay up.

US: Uhh, er, well.... There's this little budget problem, you see.... The war was rather expensive, after all. THAT'S YOUR FAULT SCARECROW. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, ANYWAY?

Scarecrow: ME? I wasn't thinking. That's why I came to you to begin with, remember? Duh. Now, are you going to give me a brain or not?

US: I don't know. Maybe if I postpone the tax cut, diddle the figures. I might be able to find a way. You're probably good for another term. (Thoughtfully, to himself) You might still be of use to me, even if you have a brain. I don't necessarily have to give you a good one, do I?

Tin Man: What about me? You promised me a heart.

US: I'm really sorry but it won't be possible. Artificial hearts are awful expensive. Do you have a good health plan? Medicaid won't cover it you, you know. You're too old and can—tankerous.

Tin Man: Why, you double dealing son of a ....

US: Don't blame me. It was a bureaucratic oversight.

Tin man turns angrily towards BUREAU CAT who cringes

BUREAU CAT: Ah, come on, it's not my fault. I didn't know. And even if I did..... You have to have a lot of guts to take on issues like that. And I just don't. That's what I'm here for. Pay up, buster!

US: GODDAMN IT. I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU COURAGE IF I DON'T WANT TO! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING IN HERE MAKING DEMANDS ANYWAY?

BUREAU CAT: That's it. I'm out of here.

He turns and starts to leave

US: YOU DON'T LEAVE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO LEAVE!

Narrator: BUREAU CAT collapses in terror, clutching his chest. He lands on wires which lift a curtain revealing an American consumer sitting on a couch watching a huge TV wearing a sweat suit. The consumer's sex is indeterminate. S/he's eating microwave popcorn and smoking a cigarette. S/he stares, transfixed at the TV flicking from channel to channel. War news and soap operas are interspersed with auto ads, ads for politicians, etc. Game shows offer free cars, trips and anything else an American consumer could want. The back wall of the living room is covered with pictures of cars, and advertising slogans. The house is filled with electronic gadgets children's toys and empty fast food containers.

Liberty: Of course he can leave. It's a free country, isn't it?

US: HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? I DON'T HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK TO NEW YORK, YOU KNOW! I CAN SEND YOU OFF TO A LITTLE BACK-WATER NATION AND WATCH YOU LANGUISH!

Liberty: You could try. Or maybe you'd rather melt me down and turn me into missiles. What country would you aim them at next?

US: Ahh, lighten up fer Chrissakes, Liberty. And get your rusty butt out of the way of the TV. You're interfering with reception.

Narrator: US looks at his/er watch.

Mom: Opps gotta go. Time to pick up the kids.

Next

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