Gabriella Ch. 05

Simon nodded in agreement. "I'll keep trying."

Patricia hopped onto the counter. Simon walked over and stood between her legs.

"You look really beautiful," he whispered, before capturing her lips again.

In the past, Patricia was so wrapped up in his kisses, that she would close her eyes and shut out all else. But today, her mind was racing. Being back on campus since she first found the condoms was like a bucket of cold ice being doused on her. This was real. This did happen. Her husband had been sleeping with another woman. Who was she? How long had it lasted? Patricia knew so little. A former student, nineteen and it was over—or so he said. Her skin tingled again, making her feel uncomfortable.

She nudged him back. He smiled up at her and she looked away.

"There are a lot of women on that campus." She laughed nervously. "I mean, it might as well have been an all-girl college."

His eyes shifted back and forth as he thought. "Really? I think it's about fifty-six percent, which is kind of normal, right?"

"Seems like a lot more."

He shrugged and took a step back, perhaps aware of her tense body language. "Hmm, hadn't really noticed."

Patricia rolled her eyes and slid off the counter. "Of course you've noticed, that's kinda the problem."

He loudly exhaled and turned around. "I'm going to work on my bike."

"What's her name?" She hated herself for asking, but she had to know. She needed to solve the mystery of this secret life her husband had lived. "How long had you been seeing her before you ended it?"

"Patricia, what are you doing?" His question seemed logical. It had been almost a month since she had confronted him. They were supposed to be looking for forward, not back. But she had to know.

"I want to know the truth."

"We've talked about this—"

"No. We haven't." Patricia slammed her bottle on the counter. "You told me how old she was and that it was over. But you couldn't even tell me why you had started it to begin with. I still have a lot of questions."

"This isn't going to help anything."

"Maybe it will, maybe it won't. What's her name? What does she look like?" Her rapid fire of questions even surprised her.

He stood still, his eyes penetrating hers. He was pissed. She had only seen that look a few times, and always directed at Ella. His jaw clenched as his posture stiffened.

"Patricia, please drop this."

"I don't understand why you won't tell me. Why are you protecting her?" She scoffed. "It's not like I'm going to drive by her dorm room or anything. I'm an adult. Remember?"

"I'm not protecting her, I'm protecting you!" His voice boomed around her. "I don't want to hurt you again. I don't want to bring up something that I know is going to keep tearing us apart. I fucked up Patricia, I know that. Please, let me try to make this right."

Patricia's head hurt. She hated arguing but she needed to understand. "If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?"

He shook his head and sighed. "I don't know."

"Exactly. So forgive me if I'm not ready to let this go."

"It didn't mean anything."

Patricia gave a doubtful chuckle. "Why would you say something like that? If it didn't mean anything, then why ruin something so special for nothing?" He stared down at the floor like a child being scolded. Or just a broken man. Were Patricia looking from the outside, she might have felt sympathy for him. But all she felt now was emptiness. "You know why you risked it? Because it did mean something."

He was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "Patricia, I'm trying to move forward. I'll do whatever it takes to make this work. To make you trust me again. I'll go to counseling; we can get away again...anything." He balled his hands into a fist. "Anything to make this work, honey."

Patricia didn't care what it took to make their marriage work again. At that moment, she only wanted to know about her. "Then tell me her name."

Silence passed between them. He shook his head and placed his hands atop his head. Patricia turned around, not expecting him to answer. She was done with the conversation.

"Sarah."

She turned back around. Sarah. Patricia would never admit it, but knowing the name caused her stomach to turn. It made her more real. She cleared her throat and tried to relax. "What does she look like?"

His eyes were blank as he stared at her. "Blonde."

Her skin crawled. "How long did the relationship last?"

"A year," he answered flatly.

"A year!" Her mouth dropped. Pandora's Box ran deeper than she could stomach for a Thursday afternoon. She turned away from him. "Get out. Just get out, I can't bear to look at you right now," she told him, surprising herself.

"Patricia, I—"

"Please leave. Now."

She heard his retreating footsteps then came the roar of his motorcycle echoing through the kitchen. The sudden silence was unbearable.

**********

Gabriella

"Oh, oh, oh...fuck, Gabriella!" Nolan yelled, shutting his eyes tightly as he came. His body jerked over hers before he finally collapsed, his weight crushing her.

She wished she had never suggested he use her full name. Now he frequently called her that and instead of finding it endearing, she found it annoying.

"Hey, I can't breathe," she said, slapping his back.

She hadn't intended on staying with Nolan this long. After Simon's class, she watched him at football practice for two hours and then they crashed at his place.

"Sorry," he whispered, as he slowly rolled off.

The crinkling of the latex as he removed the condom, made her stomach turn. She closed her eyes. Everything was always better with her eyes closed. Lying on her bed listening to music, daydreaming in class as her professors bored her, thinking of Simon when the other guy wasn't him. In the dark solace beneath her eyelids, everything was just fine.

She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. For a moment, she felt lightheaded. A cigarette would remove the anxious edge. She glanced around the floor for her dress as Nolan's sweaty hand stroked her back. She wanted to shrug away from him, but the gesture would seem cold.

"Where are you going?"

"Home," she answered, slipping her dress back on.

He rose up and rested against the headboard. "What, right now?" His voice was laced with concern.

"Yeah, it's late."

"Then just spend the night again." Now it held a desperate tone.

Ella shook her head while she reached under the bed for her missing shoe.

"Wow. I feel so used," he joked.

Ella was quiet as she quickly gathered her belongings. This is the exactly why she never did the whole intimacy deal. She didn't want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with her. Nor did she want to appear clingy.

But Nolan was different. He was the perfect get away from the chaos and confusion in Simon's house. Where she felt he tore her down, Nolan built her up.

"Did I do something wrong?" She glanced in his direction. He was hurt.

Ella shook her head again and sat back on the bed to slide on her boots. "No, I just have to go."

His arms circled her as he gently pushed her down and began kissing her. She wanted to lose herself in the moment and just let go, but she couldn't. This would mean something different to her than it did him.

"Stop!" Ella pushed at his chest.

"Why, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just don't want you to get the wrong idea."

"What?" he asked, quirking a brow. "What does that mean?"

"It means I'm not your girlfriend."

He turned away from her.

She softened her tone. "Look, it's just that you and I have a lot of fun, right? And I want to make sure it stays that way."

"So, is this all we're ever going to have—just some fun?" He sounded bitter as he yanked his boxers back on.

"What more do you want?"

"Gee, I don't know," he scoffed and yanked his shirt down his chest. "Maybe an actual relationship?"

This was all new territory. Territory she wasn't ready to explore just yet. Nolan was a good guy and as long as her feelings remained so strong for Simon, she could never give Nolan what he wanted. "Nolan, I can't be your girlfriend."

"Why not?" He was back to his sweet demeanor.

"Because, I'm not really girlfriend material."

He smiled, his eyes lightening up. "Let me be the judge of that."

"You barely know me," she said, hoping one of her excuses would stick.

"That's not true. I know a lot about you."

"Like what?"

"You're sweet, even though you try to give off this tough vibe. You're smart and funny."

Ella rolled her eyes. "Those are generic traits that could belong to anyone, including Hanna Dorstein," she said, referencing his first time.

Nolan's infectious laughed filled the room. "Okay, okay. And by the way, Hanna wasn't any of those things. But you also love the color purple. I don't know if you're aware of this, but you have it everywhere. Even the pens you write with in class have purple ink."

Ella remained motionless as he spoke.

"And you don't complain. Most girls complain about everything. The weather, their hair, another girl, their boyfriend, I don't know, it always seems like something...but you never do. You don't seem concerned with that stuff."

Ella blushed. She never realized how open she was.

"You don't talk with your hands, like a lot of people...especially girls," he said with a smile. "And I love how you'll wear a dress in the middle of a blizzard."

Ella laughed and covered her face.

"So, see...I know about you. And I want to know more. But I think I know enough to judge whether or not you would be girlfriend material. And I think you would be."

Nolan Jeffries' girlfriend. She never thought those words would ever float through her mind. But he was too good for her. Regardless of what Simon had told Steven, neither of them knew how kind and humble Nolan was, nothing at all like the other guys she had known. Guys like his best friend, Bryan. The name sat heavy on her stomach.

"What about Bryan?" she whispered, as if to lessen the embarrassment.

He turned his mouth down and shrugged. "That doesn't matter to me. That was in the past, before I got to know how special you were."

Special. She would have cried tears of joy to hear those words from Simon's mouth.

"Well, we don't have to decide anything tonight, do we?" she asked.

His ocean green eyes became hooded as he leaned back against the headboard. "Nope. I just wanted to make sure that there were more options than just hooking up. I like you, El—Gabriella."

She liked him too, even if it was in a much different way than Simon. He was one of the good ones and she would be a fool to let him go that easily.

"I like you too," she said, pulling her dress back before she leaned over to kiss him.

**********

Simon

Simon flipped on the light and tossed his keys onto the desk. He scanned his closet space of an office before he sat down on the tiny loveseat which occupied the back wall. He tried to push away thoughts of the things he had done on this sofa.

He combed his hands through his hair and squeezed, hoping the pain would bring about some sense of relief. But it didn't. When had he become just like the men he disliked—the ones with no integrity?

Simon wanted to blame Patricia. Were it not for her prodding, this snowball of lies could have died down. Be mad at him, yes, but not question him, because he couldn't answer them. And when he was forced to, words like "Sarah" and "blonde" tumbled out. More deception to keep track of. How far did the rabbit hole drop?

But it wasn't Patricia's fault.

And to tell the truth...that would destroy him, her, their marriage and any chance Patricia and Gabriella had to mend their relationship. He wasn't willing to gamble their lives just yet. Not unless there was no other choice.

"Hey, I thought I saw the light on."

He looked up to find Jacob Felderman peeking in.

Jacob pushed his glasses up and glanced around. "Hey man, what are you doing here so late?"

Simon had thought about adding another lie on top of that, but enough was enough. Jacob seemed trustworthy enough and Simon was too fucking tired to care anymore. "My wife kicked me out."

Jacob stepped in and leaned against the wall, his smile sympathetic. "I've spent a few nights on my office couch as well."

"Finishing up a class?" Simon asked, hoping to change the subject.

Jacob nodded. "Yeah, a tutorial. I'll be glad when this semester is over. These kids are killing me." He shifted his stance through the awkward silence, as he tucked his briefcase under his arm. "Well, I hope everything works out for you at home," he said, turning to leave.

"I cheated on her." The words flew out and Simon wasn't sure why. He hadn't admitted them aloud to anyone, not even himself. But a slight weight in the burden that he had carried for a year lifted. Not that he deserved it, but it helped.

Jacob closed the door back. "Oh."

Simon felt delirious as he chuckled. "Yeah. I'm just completely lost, you know?" He was certain Jacob didn't. He and his wife seemed like the perfect nerdy pair. They probably never argued about anything outside of which Science Channel show is better: Exodus Earth or Beyond Tomorrow.

Jacob sighed and shifted his weight again. "I know what you mean. I've been down that road before."

"What?"

"Yep. I...uh, well I had an affair years ago."

Constantly disheveled, funny-bow-tie-wearing Felderman cheated on his equally strange wife, Kelly? "But you always seem so normal, Jacob. And I mean that as a compliment."

He scratched his beard. "Well, it happens to the best of us."

"So, what did you do?" Simon leaned on the edge of the couch, wide eyed and still stunned.

Jacob smiled. "My wife and I got a divorce and I married the other woman. Had two kids with her."

Simon rubbed the back of his neck. "You're no fucking help at all."

Jacob laughed. "Sorry."

Simon shook his head. "Wow, so Kelly was the other woman? I never would have thought that in a million years." It wasn't that Kelly was unattractive, but being the female version of Jacob, he just never pictured that scenario.

"Who knows, you might take the same route."

Simon shook his head vehemently. "Oh, hell no. That's not even an option. I mean, never, ever, ever. Besides, I don't want a divorce from Patricia. I want to be with her. I just want to make things better and I'm basically clueless."

"I'm sensing the whole chocolate and flowers gesture isn't working."

"I think my head on a stick is the more appropriate gift."

"Oy."

"Yeah." Simon looked out into the office. "I mean, does marriage even work? I look at my friends. My best friend is a perpetual bachelor, another friend hates his life and his wife, he just doesn't know it yet. And my other friend's girlfriend has been pressing him about a ring, but he doesn't want to go there because he's convinced it will ruin the relationship. My parent's marriage was definitely not the stuff of dreams. And then there's me. Hell, even you. Maybe the whole thing is just an illusion."

"Well, I think marriage works. It just takes several things to make it work." Jacob stared at the wall pensively. "For one, you have to choose the right partner. Even though my first marriage didn't work out, I've been married to Kelly longer than I was to my first wife. And I couldn't imagine hurting Kelly. There's just no way."

Simon exhaled. "But your situation is much different than mine."

"Maybe. But maybe this other woman is better for you than you think."

Simon chuckled. "Oh, no. No, no, no. If you knew just how 'not better' she was, you'd laugh."

"I guess so. But marriage is definitely a tricky thing. A system of checks and balances, give and take. Sacrifices, you know. Do you love her?"

"No," he answered quickly. "I mean, not in the traditional sense. It's just so complicated, that...well, I like to steer clear of that question because... no, I'm not in love with her."

Jacob's brow drew together. "I was talking about Patricia."

"Oh. Well yeah, of course I love my wife," Simon answered, his face flushed.

"Well, then put yourself in her shoes. If she had cheated on you, what would it take for you to forgive her and move past everything?"

Fuck if that wasn't the million dollar question. Just the thought of her sleeping with another man turned his stomach. Never mind if it would have been his nineteen year old son from a previous relationship.

Simon dropped his head back against the wall harder than he meant causing a thud. "She's going to divorce me."

"You don't know that. She just needs time. You know, Rebecca was willing to forgive me and move past everything. But I wasn't happy and I didn't want to keep hurting her, so I chose to end it."

"But that's because you wanted Kelly, right?"

Jacob nodded.

"Well, I want Patricia. The ball's in her court. I'm not going anywhere until she tells me to leave for good."

"Then it looks like you have to figure out what would be more appealing than your head on a stick. Besides, that's not a good look for you my friend." Jacob glanced at his phone. "I better get home. My youngest had her tonsils removed and I promised her ice cream."

"Well, don't keep her waiting man," Simon smiled. "And thanks for the talk."

"Anytime. And look, just be honest with yourself. It won't be easy, but if you just follow your heart, you'll realize what you need to do. And being honest isn't the easiest thing, but it's the only way to move on and get your life on the right track. Trust me, these problems won't last forever."

Simon swallowed and nodded. Regardless of what he did, he was pretty sure the happy ending Jacob got was not the one waiting on him.

**********

Patricia

Patricia sat on the cold front steps. It was two in the morning, she felt drained and her fingers had long gone numb but she couldn't bear the emptiness inside the house. Simon wouldn't be returning because she had kicked him out and Ella was gone because, well, she never gave her a reason. She took a drag on the cigarette she had stolen from Ella's room and coughed.

She heard a motorcycle in the distance and her heart leapt. But the sound continued down the street until she was left with a barren silence and a confused mind.

Simon always seemed so full of life and in love with her when they were together. But he'd spent almost half of their three year marriage with another woman. A girl, really. She searched for signs of it, but they weren't there. He never let on that there was a problem and that's what frustrated her the most. If he had, she could have fixed it and perhaps this affair never would have happened.

A year. What had she been doing this past year?

Patricia inhaled and coughed again. She hadn't smoked since college and it showed.

One truth that she realized about herself was that she was in love with Simon. Had she not loved him then kicking him out wouldn't have hurt this much. But it did and she couldn't change it even if she wanted everything to go back to normal. Back to the days when what they had was the closest thing to perfect. Back to nights when they got buzzed and sang out-of-tune karaoke.

She had never sung in front of an audience in her life, until Simon dared her on their third date. Afterwards, he ribbed her the whole time.

"That was about the worst rendition of Heart's 'Alone' I've ever heard," he said with a laugh as they strolled downtown.

Patricia pouted. "It wasn't that bad."

He lifted a brow before his eyes widened and he looked around.

"What?" she asked, scanning the quiet sidewalk.

"Ssh," he whispered, as he continued to search. "If you're quiet, I think we might still be able to hear the dogs barking in the alley courtesy of your serenade."