Gabrielle Ch. 01

Dating apps these days don't present a clear portrait of their users. From the moment I saw Gabrielle I knew she had to be different than the endless lists of fake girls that were in my area. With the face of Meg Ryan and the body of Sarah Jessica Parker and the ass of Chandler's hookup from Friends. I didn't think it could be true so I shot her message and was promptly met with a response, we decided to meet at the outdoors mall. I was looking for true love and the scents from Bath and Body Works enticed women (I believe so) and Hotdog on a Stick could have a potent effect on a woman's subconscious. The sexual innuendos abound could help to move things along when i inevitably felt too nervous to do it alone. I told her I'd be waiting by the Forever 21 in my khakis and blue sports jacket I got from Goodwill holding a single red rose. The jacket didn't quite fit but I loved how dashing it made me seem, and my mother loved it. After a few minutes of waiting, a Latina girl turned the corner with a kind of bravado that could only be described as Michelle Rodriguez on big dick juice.

She had a black tank top on that read, "Hi Haters" and as she stopped she took the rose from my hand and threw it to the ground,

"What the fuck is this!?" I was shocked by the language.

"It was for you?"

"What the hell am I? Your prom date?"

"Well, I never went to prom..."

She looked me up and down, "You freaky or what?"

"Yeah, I guess so" It was true I did dance very well for my complexion.

"You're alright I guess. Did you get me anything?"

"Just the rose I thought we could go to- hey!" She was already walking away, on her back white letters read, "bye haters". She didn't look like her picture on the dating app. Not even close! For one thing the girl on the picture was white and this girl was obviously Latina. "You don't look like your picture." I half yelled as she paced ahead through the crowd.

"No duh ever hear of reconstructive surgery? Or photoshop!?" It did make more sense that her face was actually photoshopped to look like popular actresses from the 90′s instead of just really really looking like them. She led me through the mall stopping once to collect coins from the bottom of a water fountain. I was almost literally swept off my feet, she was strong. We hurried until we were at the dumpster cans.

The second we were around the corner she kissed me so forcefully and passionately that I couldn't think about anything. I just let go and let her ash tasting mouth enter mine. "Is that a knife in your smallclothes or are you happy to see me m'lord?" She sneered in a terrible British accent.

"Wait what!?"

"Oh yeah, I fucking love game of thrones, it's whatever." Kissing a girl for the first time had me swimming in nausea I had never known before. Like having the stomach flu of the heart, I was about to shit my pants. Metaphorically. My hotdog on a stick was getting stiff. It's true I did kiss Jimmy Perkins once during a sleepover but he was wearing a wig and lipstick so I let it happen but it didn't feel like my first true kiss. As we were kissing her hand started moving to go inside my pants and past my underwear!

I stopped her, "Wait! What are you doing!?!"

"I want your dick."

"Here!?!"

"Yeah, what's wrong, you like men or what?"

"Well I let Jimmy Perkins put on his moms wig and blow me sometimes but that's different! We weren't out in public!"

"Hmmm that's odd. Sorry, I have a pretty intense sex drive."

"It's okay, I can understand. My first babysitter looked like Sarah Mclaughlin, now every time that dog commercial comes on and she ask you to save the dogs and, 'In The Arms of the Angels' plays I swear I get a halfer."

She looked at me in confused amazement. "So are you like messed? Who touched you?"

"Nobody touched me, just Jesus. In my heart. And Jimmy. Though she goes by Dahlia now."

"Oh my God I can't tell if you're for real right now..."

I just just shrugged "Don't hate the playa, playa."

"Okay now don't." I was flying through a courting I thought would take weeks. At this pace I was sure to pass third base to home base and even the dugout all the way to the locker room where naked men whip each other with towels. She had a certain appeal to her. Like a cat with a knife she was dangerous and intriguing. Sure, her fat rolled over her too-tight-jeans in a distasteful display of muffin top and her makeup looked smeared but the way she carried herself was confident and full of style; hippie-hobo style. The right amount of wit and coquettish charm to make you forget she was reaching into your pockets. Just as she was about to resume making out a door flew open in a crash and a short Guatemalan man came out with a huge bag of trash.

"Oh hey Gabby, you wanna look through this?"

"No thanks Julio, if it's not cans or those gummy bears I like I don't want it."

"You know we never have that Gabby."

I was dumbfounded "UMMM, What the hell is going on here!?" Had the whole world gone insane!? "How often do you come here that he knows your name!?" She didn't pay attention to me, she was speaking Spanish muy rapido and I couldn't understand. All the blood in my body was being sent to my tender loins like a traffic jam congested from years of repression and I was getting dizzy.

Gabby was an incredible girl. She must've been a goddess of beauty in another life. The way she moved she danced as if it were the first time she's been in the rain. Her smell was sweet yet musty like a unicorn with a cigarette and he wants to know what you're staring at. Before I could ask for another date she was already shaking me out of my stupor. "Hey dude. I need to go, I have work to do with Julio."

I wasn't ready to depart "Uhhh... really? Okay sure. Can I get your number? -I mean I already have it but can I call you?"

"Sure, just no like, baggage okay?"

"Of course sure, I have none. I travel light" She looked apprehensive but put her arm around the man and left through a door without a handle.

The next few days I couldn't get her out of my mind. She was like nothing I'd ever known I was swimming in my head, in that moment over and over again. Like gaining the ability to suck your own dick, it was a whole new world of unexplored territory and I probably wasn't going to leave the house for awhile. Something like Aladdin sang about when he wished to grow boobs. I texted her every once in awhile but she never got back to me. I knew there had to have been some kind of spark. She liked me! I knew it, but for weeks there was just silence. Until I got a message:

"Hey meet me by the place where we first kissed. I have something to show you..."