Gasm Pt.02

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Girochen
Girochen
153 Followers

"You are surrendering?" she said, drifting closer.

I nodded, "I do want to negotiate a surrender," I said and let my power flow but not influence. I almost smiled, she had taken a libido suppressant. "That is a fabulous piece of machinery. It is the possibility of things like that, wondrous things, that have me thinking like this."

She landed, in front of the door still, maybe three quick steps away. She glanced at Black Queen and Badger, both now erect then at me, also erect and her eyes flicked down at the array before her. "What is there to negotiate, Gasm? You simply walk into a cell and I will lock the door."

"Not so fast," I said with a grin, "surely you can see that I have my friends to think about. I can't let them be mistreated. They are addicted you see. They will require treatment. Someone will have to pleasure them. Who will that someone be? Will it be you?" I said and triggered a little excitement, pushing past the libido suppressor. "Or will it by Mystic? I must know. It is a two way street, you know, my power I mean. I feel their pleasure and my own. Their discomfort, their suffering, it becomes mine. Like yours. I feel it on you, the lack of love in your life. You put on a brave face, but you need someone..." I pushed again, lightly, cycling her upward. She opened the helmet and looked at me.

"I don't need anyone," she said with a bit of anger.

"Your reaction tells me otherwise," I said, "Come, let's talk like adults. Step out of the armor and bring me to a place we can sit and sip a drink. Let me help you." I continued to push and by now, it should have been obvious, but she was alone, unused to the feelings. I pulled and she stepped out of the armor and walked toward me, wearing just a small bikini.

"Do you mean that?" she said and was within range. I stepped forward and took her in my arms. I kissed her and pushed an orgasm.

She came, hard and I said, "Yes, I will help you, little one. You need me, need the world to accept you as the sensual being you are, inside. You will be mine," I pushed an orgasm again and she cried out, "we will be together. You will learn what it is like to feel sated. Now untie the bikini bottom and put me inside you."

She grabbed the strings and pulled it out of the way, then aimed me and I shoved into her and pushed another orgasm, this time, huge, and she was out. I moved her to a cell and locked her in. I sent the others out to do their chores and capture the rest of the lesser heroes. Then moved to the control room, Icicle and Crow at my side. We stepped into the room and there she was, Ubergirl.

"That was quite a show, Gasm," she said. "But I am not a B-list hero."

"Ubergirl, how very lovely to make your acquaintance. I am Gasm, well, that's really short for orgasm, but that name felt pretentious. I know of you. Probably the most powerful of the 'A-list' of heroes. But I am the most powerful of the A-list." I stretched out and past her defenses with ease. "I don't attack directly, nor must I touch any more. I feel your friends behind the consoles. Observe," I said and I made them cum, excluding her. I made them cum and cum again. Megadude, Quickening, Babette and Monk, all the A-listers at once. I pushed excitement into Ubergirl as I did it.

"It is not working on me, Gasm," she said with a grin. I held the others, building them.

"Shall I kill one of your friends?" I asked. "There are rumors of you and Megadude, or is in Monk, perhaps the lovely Babette or Quickening, ah, there it is Quickening." I pushed her excitement when I said the name and adjusted Quickening to a come hither. She was there, suddenly, highly excited. "You may kneel and take my cock in your sweet mouth, my plaything"

She did. She jammed me deep into her throat and I made her cum, and cum, then pushed a huge one on her and the others. They fainted. Ubergirl blurred and was there, catching Quickening before she fell. I touched her shoulder and made her cum. It was Epic. She knelt before me, holding her desire, subservient to me though she knew it not, and she came. For over a minute I kept her cumming.

"Oh goddess," she said as tears streamed down her eyes. She lay Quickening down and I stood her up. I turned to Icicle and Crow.

"You know what to do," I said and they moved to the consoles. Crow to the locator and Icicle to the communications panel. Crow pulled up locations and Icicle called them in, gave instruction. In between, they trussed up the A-list and Crow transported them to cells. I would get to them later. I turned my attention to the quivering Ubergirl. I guided her to a couch and removed her uniform. "There now. you will dress like this until I tell you differently."

"I can't do that, I am a hero," she said and looked at me. "You can't do this to me. Why are you doing this?"

"We are the next stage of development of humans," I told her while I made her cum. "We must pave the way for the new race, the new humans. I will dump my seed in you soon and you will bear my children. Children that will rule all the evolved."

"But we aren't married," she said and I made her cum, "I don't want you to do this."

"I know, but it is for your own good," I said, "You will learn. They all learn. And, if you are really helpful and committed, there are benefits. Quickening can be yours. I will have to impregnate her as well and she will carry babies from the others in the A-list. But you may have her, just swear to join with me now. I can coerce you, but I want you to commit without coercion. I want you, right now. Tell me to take you, make you mine."

"Your wife?" she asked.

"No, that is human thinking," I said. "You may call yourself my paramour."

"Please, must I?" she asked.

"No, if you refuse, I will turn you, make you mine," I said, "Another drone for the cause."

"I... take me, use me... I've never had a man," she said.

"Of course not, being a hero for lesser beings, taking on their moral codes," I said, "This is an abomination. I want you to be free, like we should be. Unbound by the human social contract. We are homo superius. We are the future. We are one!" I pushed into her, ripping through her hymen and my powers went into overdrive. We drove together for what seemed like minutes but turned out to be hours. Everyone in the Super HQ was affected, cumming along with us, unable to function, suddenly connected to the new Alphas. Even the A-list awoke and in the end, left their cells and vowed to join with us. Heroes from around the globe arrived, then villains, from prison and not. Evolved of all kinds flocked to the newly named Evo HQ.

We began a new world that day, a new culture, rooted in our superiority. The humans rose up once, but the pregnant Ubergirl decimated their army assisted by Quickening and Babette along with Gizmos in her Metal Girl armor. The humans surrendered and we left them alone, taking only what we needed from the lesser beings.

We were the first of the new gods, and I, well, I was their king.

Girochen
Girochen
153 Followers
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RickimanRickimanabout 7 years ago
Long story made short

I saw your reply to anonymous and I see what you were going for. The problem I see here is that you are trying to put all the episode of a season in a one episode season recap without having the show run first. you could do a redux keeping the comic fun of it by splitting like this:

Chapter 2.1 : Princess and Majestic (with warning and tags for incest and mmf)

Chapter 2.2 : Rooster, Snowball and Figurehead

Chapter 2.3 : Planing for take over

Chapter 2.4 : Lower level

Chapter 2.5 : Gizmo and her posse

Chapter 2.6 : Ultragirl

Chapter 2.7 : Epilogue/Conclusion

GirochenGirochenabout 7 years agoAuthor
Long Story from Anon - Reply

Thanks for the feedback. I do appreciate it. I guess probably a good portion of the problem was where I placed the story. Though there was a good deal of "mind control" elements, I wrote it like a comic book. I do get what you are saying. Some of the efforts I am still working on are more along the line to which you refer. Hopefully, I can publish some of them soon, but I have a tendency to rush the story and I am working on that. Again, not sure if you will see this, but thank you.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 7 years ago
This is long, sorry.

You said you wanted feedback, I'll try to be as honest as possible without being brutal, haha.

First - If you're wondering why you have a lower score on this than Pt.01, it's because of the male homosexual elements in the story with literally no warning. Most aren't into that (and in fact, like me, it's actually a total turn off). At the very least some will be forewarned and walk away without leaving an unfavorable rating.

Second - on to your storytelling ability - moving away from the sexual elements here. It's decent. However you moved into the story too fast and because of that the reader is disconnected from it. With mind control particularly you need to spend time on the induction, on the MC developing their control (or, if they already have full control, reveling in using as little as possible). The victory needs to feel like a victory, even if the "victory" is for a bad guy like this story. The story just sort of moved on from conquest to conquest and there was literally zero tension or excitement going on. Bad dude just always knew what he was doing and everyone fell into his clutches like ducks in a row.

The biggest thing about it all, though, is that it just moved too fast. These two "parts" (which spanned roughly 5 full Lit pages, which is like, what? 20 pages total?) could have easily been fleshed out to five times the size, with each conquest feeling like an actual conquest with ups and downs, roadblocks to overcome, and - most importantly - induction. Capturing the essence of finally giving over to their lesser, base morality. Realizing they *want* it, and they're willing to give up their morality - their entire code - to have it. Wanton sex? Check. Depraved behavior? Double check. Is murder on the table? Sure, if necessary to feel...mmmm...*pleasurable* again, absolutely. Bringing others over to be enthralled by my new master? This is what I now desire most of all.

Capturing that feeling you get when you *desperately want* to do something "bad" is what mind control and coercion stories are all about. You just sort of skipped ahead to the naughty bits and the "end-game" of the coercion, and it's the journey there that makes the story exciting.

It's the wife flirting casually with the co-worker. The feeling of excitement she's currently refusing to acknowledge. The rush she feels like she "got away with it" when she touches his arm ever so slightly. The extended touches in pseudo-privacy (and still neither party admits what they're doing to themselves or others). The rush when she walks out to his car with him, chatting away. She talks to her husband and feels slightly guilty, but still refuses to acknowledge the feeling or why she's feeling it - as well as getting off on it. She's being naughty, she's coming to terms with it, and she fucking LIKES it. Still she's not acknowledging it - we're DYING at this point for her to get to it, to FUCK HIS FUCKING BRAINS OUT, but still she flirts with that line, pushing at the edges, testing them, dipping her toe in the waters of wanton betrayal of her wedding vows. So far it feels amazing, but she must be careful.

They go out to lunch, he grabs her hand, they lock eyes. They know. Very soon they will be fucking. Very, very soon. But not today. They've finally admitted it, they want it, they want it desperately, and at this point they know there's no stopping it. They WILL fuck. She starts fantasizing privately, not quite acknowledging the fantasy (STILL!) but also accepting it, reveling in it. She knows his cock will penetrate her cunt. It will slide in, breaking her wedding vows as she orgasms, spraying her wanton sex juices in betrayal all over her marriage bed.

The touching intensifies. Co-workers begin to notice. Perhaps a close friend asks if she's cheating on her husband. She vehemently denies it (she hasn't cheated yet!). That night they find an excuse. An extended hug turns into a brushing of cheeks. They stay like that for a moment, neither daring to move. This is it, this is the turning point. And turn they do, slowly. Gradually skin slides across skin as their lips meet in a powerful kiss. Their tongues find each other as they make their way to his apartment.

There she is in the bathroom, her mind going a mile a minute. This is wrong. This is so wrong. She's shaking. Shaking with desire, guilt, and a downright need to be fucked. To be taken by this man that is NOT her husband. To give away her marriage vows. To betray them. She needs it. It's no longer a question. His cock penetrates and she screams in ecstasy, he fills her completely, his sperm entering her womb - the womb that she has only shared with her husband.

And she loves it. She's betrayed her husband, betrayed her marriage.

And she needs more.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-

THIS is the essence of induction. It pulls the read along. That feeling you have in your pants and in your heart - in your entire core - right now? THAT's the feeling the reader (and the characters!!) need to have. They want the end, they want it desperately, but what they don't know is they really don't want the end, they want the journey. Without the journey the end means nothing.

Your story was akin to condensing that entire induction into one paragraph of "They flirted, they started touching - just lightly, on the hand, perhaps. Then they went out to lunch. She knew she shouldn't do this, but it was too late. They kissed outside his apartment, and that was the final straw! [insert naughty bits]."

It gets the job done, but it's just....lacking excitement. Wow this is fucking long and I'm tired and have work in the morning. Best of luck in the future, friend. Loved the idea, corruption of morality is a subject not treated enough, in my opinion, and has a wide audience desperate for it.

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READ MORE OF THIS SERIES

Gasm Pt.01 Previous Part
Gasm Series Info

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