George Goes Green For Earth Day

Along with his full recycling bin, he had his new fuel efficient car parked out front and he was wearing clothes made from hemp, an afterthought that he hoped would impress her. He threw away his imported, leather belt and just tied a piece of rope around his waist to hold up his pants and even though they made his feet sweat and hopefully not smell, he wore shoes made from manmade fabrics, instead of leather. He considered wearing a robe or a toga with sandals, but he thought that would be overkill. Besides, she may think he was a religious zealot, if he did that and that could torpedo their relationship, before it even began.

With Gayle checking his closets and helping to organize his basement, before heading out to the garage, after she was done, he was anxious to ask her to go out on a date. He spent the day, as well as several hundred dollars for her help. Finally, when she was packing up her things and getting ready to leave, he nervously asked the question.

"Gayle?"

"Yes?"

"Would you go out with me?"

"Me? Go out with you? No," she said shooting him a surprised look, while delaying her response. "Sorry, but I don't date my clients."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that was your policy," he said giving her a sad, but victorious smile with his next thought and aforementioned question. "Gayle?"

"Yes," he imagined the answer she'd say when he asked her if she wanted to have sex with him.

"You're fired."

"Sorry, George," she said with a laugh, "but I still can't go out with you." She gave him a look that made him feel ridiculous. "No offense, but you're not my type," she said with another laugh.

"Not your type? Why not?"

Figuring that it wasn't him, but his lifestyle. Figuring that she saw through his little recycling charade and figuring that she knew that he wasn't sincere about conservationism, the ecology, and saving the planet, he became defensive.

"I'm sorry, George, but we'd never work as a couple," she said giving him a sympathetic smile.

"I don't understand, Gayle." Imagining Sierra, Cheyenne, and Sky all crying in the background that their mommy refused to have them, as their children, he launched into his defense. "I'm heavily into helping to save the environment and, just like you, I conserve on everything wherever and whenever I can, most times, as often as I can. I ride my bike nearly everywhere, pretty much everywhere, sometimes, once in a while, on occasion. Oh, and I drive a Toyota Prius. I love that little, teeny, tiny car, way better than the beloved Hummer that I traded for it. Oh, and I just love whales. Don't you? And global warming sucks. It really does. Doesn't it? Save the rainforest," he said waving his hands over his head, "and I don't wear fur, never use my cell phone in the car, bring my own bags to the supermarket, and--"

"I'm lesbian, George."

Lost in his love for her, mesmerized by her beauty, actually, he really didn't fully comprehend her response when she told him that she was a lesbian.

"Lesbian? Oh, that's so nice. Wait what did you just say?"

"Lesbian. I'm lesbian, George. I date women. I don't date men. I'm sorry."

"Really? No kidding," he said staring at her. "I never figured you for a lesbian. You don't look like a lesbian."

"And what does a lesbian look like," she said turning to face him and putting a hand to her hip, "George?"

"Gees, I don't know, Billie Jean King, Martina Navratilova, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, Chaz Bono."

"And don't forget Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore, and Christina Aguilera?"

"Really? They're lesbians, too?"

"Among others," she said with a laugh.

"Wow, I don't believe it."

Lesbian? No way. She was pulling his leg, he thought. She just doesn't want to go out with him. She's just playing hard to get. Maybe if he told her that he was a Peace Corp volunteer or was thinking about becoming a Peace Corp volunteer or that his distant cousin on his mother's side was related to Mother Theresa, kind of, somehow, maybe she'd go out with him. 'Cause lesbians don't look like her. No way. Do they?

"Yes, George, I'm a lesbian. Sorry. Thank you, though. You're a really nice guy and I'm glad you're active in helping to save the environment by recycling and showing the care for the planet that you do. I'm very flattered that you asked me out but I'm not interested in you in that way," she said touching his hand. "I'm sorry, George. I really am."

George thought about what he was going to say next before just blurting it out, which was his usual habit of doing. He thought for a minute and looked at her. Surely, there was something that he could say to persuade her to date him. She was so damn pretty. Surely, she was just saying that she was lesbian just to make an excuse not to go out with him and just to let him down easy. Maybe, hopefully, she was bi-sexual, after all. Surely someone so beautiful as she was could never be totally 100% lesbian. Could she? Gees, that'd be such a waste. Yet, if that's how she wanted to play this game, he could play that game, too.

"I love women, too," he said. "Actually, I've always preferred women to men. Obviously, by the fact that I love women, have only been with women, I'm a lesbian, too, always have been. Moreover, I'm in agreement with Jerry Springer. I love lesbians," he said with a self-satisfied smile.

"That's funny," she said giving him a laugh. "You're funny, George, but we'd never work as a couple. Sorry. We are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. You just don't have the preferred equipment that I need," she said with a chuckle.

Preferred equipment? What is she talking about? Maybe she wants him to buy an auxiliary generator for his house, then he realized what she meant by preferred equipment. Oh, a dildo and a vibrator. Yeah, of course, that's it. I can buy all of that stuff. I can buy whatever she needs for me to satisfy her. It would be fun.

"Isn't it enough I traded in my Hummer and bought a Toyota Prius, recycled everything recyclable and conserved on everything that I can?" He looked towards the kitchen. "Aren't those stainless steel appliances beautiful? I just thought that maybe we could go for a bike ride and find a lush meadow and talk about lesbian stuff, after removing all of our clothes. Truly, I am a lesbian. I love women, especially lesbian women, I do. I love you, Gayle."

"You love me? You don't even know me, George," she said giving him a hard look and taking a step backwards. "I'll tell you what, George," she said giving him a chuckle, "let me know when you cut off your penis and grow some tits."

"Tits?" He looked down at his chest. "I love tits. Yeah, sure, why not? Why didn't I think of that? I can get implants. Which do you prefer, big boobs or little titties?"

"And what about your penis, George? What about that," she said looking down and pointing to the obvious bulge he had in his pants.

"Huh? Penis? Yeah, sure, I can cut off my penis," he said looking deeply in her blue eyes, while so wanting to kiss her red, full lips, before feeling her firm, round ass, and fondling her shapely breasts. "Yeah, no problem, I can do that. I have gardening shears somewhere in the garage, I think." He looked down at himself. "I'll hold it, while you snip or you can hold it, while I snip," he said smiling, while leering at her.

"Good-bye George."

After it was obvious that Gayle wasn't interested in him and that he'd never be woman enough for her, George returned to his old ways, not even so much as recycling his empty beer cans and bottles. Yet, Gayle had made enough of an impression on him for George to celebrate Earth Day, that is, in his own subtle way.

In honor of Earth Day, he did what he was comfortable in doing without changing, as the person he was and will always be. He bought a green sweatshirt at the discount store that read, The Irish Have Always Been Green. He was comfortable with that, as the extent of his Earth Day celebration.