Getting Back Up on that Horse

If there was ever a Friday where I needed my weekly softball ritual, this was it! A little exertion, some sweat and some laughter was the best way to end a tough week. I could leave all my pent-up aggression on the field and walk away on an endorphin high, much less stressed and ready to enjoy the weekend...

Or at least that was the plan. But I didn't expect to see Joe there.

It had been well over a year since he'd left the team to move out-of-state, yet there he was in the dugout, unpacking his bag like he'd never missed a game. My heart lurched as he glanced up and saw me, a slow grin spreading across his features.

He looked good – really good, and his arms felt the same as they closed around me in a warm embrace. But what did I expect? Fourteen months wasn't that long, after all – did I expect that he'd no longer be the tall, dark bad-boy I'd secretly crushed on?

"Ah girl..." he murmured, pressing a kiss against the top of my head. "So good to see you!" Then, raising his head from mine, he looked around, "Your husband going to kick my ass for mauling you?"

Color flooded my cheeks, and I laughed, "Uh...no. Tom was never the jealous type."

He took a step back to look fully into my face as my words registered. "Was?"

"We are not married anymore..." I said coolly, like it was no big deal.

The surprise on his face was evident, but before he could say anything, we were interrupted by a teammate, eager to welcome Joe back to the fold. As the dugout filled, I turned away and opened my bag to retrieve my glove, ruthlessly tamping down the unwelcome emotions that had bubbled to the surface.

And then I felt Joe's hand on my elbow as he walked by me to take the field for warm-ups. His voice was soft as he murmured in my ear, "Later, okay? We'll catch up later..."

I nodded, not raising my head, "Yeah, okay..."

It was a hard game to get through. Every time I looked at him, my heart ached. Why did he have to come back?

Joe and I had met years earlier on the ball field and struck up an unlikely friendship. He was younger than I was with an irreverent sense of humor, athletic – the kind of guy who liked to make diving catches just for the fun of it. At the time, I was 34 and more than a few pounds above my fighting weight – struggling to get back into a sport I'd once been good at. He was kind to me, encouraging, and I loved him for it. He was like a younger brother... yet not quite.

And now, seeing him again, it was almost like no time had passed. He was still aggressive, and talented, and so much fun. We'd picked up a few young female players during his absence, and they were both big fans of his before the end of the night. But what was not to love?

Most of the team was headed out for the customary drinks and wings after the game but, as usual, I bowed out. Joe did too, much to the chagrin of his new groupies. "Can't ladies," he shrugged apologetically. "I've already got plans..."

He caught up to me in the parking lot. "Eve...wait..."

I didn't know where to begin with him so I didn't say much, just welcomed him with half a smile. "You played great tonight..."

His grin was contagious, "It feels so good to be back!"

Reaching my car, I popped the trunk and stowed my bag, making a conscious effort to keep my voice even. "So, you're back then? Not just visiting?"

"Yeah, I'm back." He sighed as though there was so much more to say, "Do you need to go home right away, or do you have time to talk?"

"I thought you had plans..."

With a wink, he slid an arm around my shoulder, "Only with you..."

And there it was again, that insistent, idiotic surge of hope that had me agreeing to whatever he asked. We ended up sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck, watching the parking lot empty out as we sipped on beer he'd smuggled in.

"It just didn't work out," he was saying. "Jen thought that if we lived near her parents, it would be easier to take care of Alex – you know, with their support. But in the end, she couldn't do it. Couldn't be a mom – didn't want to be a wife..."

I was surprised, not that I knew Jen at all. "You got married?"

He shook his head. "I asked her. Thought it might make us a family, you know." Exhaling deeply, "You know I love my boy... I'd do anything to make him happy..."

I nodded, "I know..."

"Anyhow, she said no to me, and then a few months later told me to take Alex...that she couldn't handle him... wasn't ready..."

"Wow..." was all I could say.

His smile didn't quite reach his eyes, "Yeah, wow. So... here I am, back in Texas."

I leaned my head against his shoulder, "I'm glad you're back, Joe..."

"Me too..." Silence reigned for a few moments as he reached for another beer from the cooler. Then, after sliding the fresh can into his koozie and popping the top, he said, "So...you're not married anymore..."

"Nope..." I replied calmly, taking a long slug of my drink.

"Damn, Evie..." He paused, pressing his shoulder against mine in a gesture of support. "What happened?"

I didn't want to tell him – didn't have to, either. He'd been gone a long time and, in my mind, had relinquished any right to ask me about my personal life. Besides, how do you explain that you're a failure?

But those velvety brown eyes beckoned to me – made me forget my righteous indignation – and I found myself answering him.

"Well..." I became suddenly very interested in a chip in the paint of his tailgate, and ran one finger over it as I shrugged, "Why do most marriages end? People fall out of love..."

He shook his head, "Come on, Eve. It's me..."

Breathing was painful, I discovered as I dragged in a deep breath. "Joe..." I protested.

"Babe..." his voice softened. "When I left for Arizona, things were fine, right? What happened?"

The look I gave him brutally conveyed that he didn't know jack-shit about my marriage. "They weren't 'fine', Joe! In fact, I can't remember the last time things were 'fine' with Tom..."

At the sound of anger in my voice, his arm was around me, pulling me into his side and offering comfort, "I'm sorry..."

I rested my forehead against the curve of his neck, and exhaled sharply. There was nothing to do but just say it. "I wasn't what he wanted. I couldn't be that person for him."

Joe pulled away from me to look into my face. "So, he left you?" he asked incredulously. "After what? 20 fucking years?!"

"I asked him to leave..." I straightened my spine, summoning the inner strength that had deserted me moments earlier. "I was tired of feeling like I wasn't good enough and would never be good enough. He was unhappy and I couldn't change that – and I didn't want to be miserable for the rest of my life." I sighed, "Even though my best years are already behind me..."

"Now that is bullshit..." he shook his head at me. "You are a beautiful woman Eve – Tom's a fucking idiot if he couldn't see how lucky he was to have you!"

I didn't know which of his comments to dispute first, so I laughed shortly, "Spoken like a man who's never lived with me..."

He hopped off the tailgate then, and started pacing. "How long have we known each other? Five years – maybe more? You don't think I've learned a little something about the person you are in five years?" He started ticking points off on his fingers, "You encourage others, you're humble, you always give 100%, you love the game but not as much as your girls..."

Taking a breath, he glanced over his shoulder to make sure I was listening. "You're a team player and you're a good person. When you make mistakes, you apologize. And when others make mistakes, you forgive them – whether they ask you to or not..." He stopped in front of me then, "I don't believe that you're a different person off the softball field, are you?

"Joe..."

"No... Evie... listen to me..." he took my arms in his hands and forced me to look up into his face, "If Tom wanted you to be someone other than who you are, it was his loss. Believe me!"

He was convincing, and I believed him, for the moment anyway. "Thank you..." I managed a smile. "I appreciate that..."

His hand covered mine, and he squeezed. "You're a good woman, Evie..."

The drama was over, and I was relieved and grateful. And when I saw him waggle his eyebrows flirtatiously, I knew he was trying to lighten the mood.

"And now? Now, Miss Evie, it looks like you're fair game..."

"Whatever..." I laughed pulling my hand away from his.

"Unless you're already seeing someone..." he grinned. "Because I would sure as hell hate to think I'd missed my window of opportunity..."

He was messing with me now and I shook my head, "Whatever, Joe! I'm like your big sister..."

"Not hardly..." He tucked a strand of hair behind one of my ears and paused for a moment before saying, "I think you should get back on the horse, Evie..."

"Pretty sure I've forgotten how to ride that particular horse..." I replied sardonically.

He laughed and dropped his hands to my knees, "With legs like these? I'm pretty sure you'd be fucking awesome at riding..."

My cheeks flamed as his words sunk in, and I shoved him away, "Perv! I'm thinking you're giving me a little bit of life coaching, and you're busy being a lech!"

But his laughter was infectious and I ended up smiling, more embarrassed than angry for walking right into the double entendre.

"Honey, I'm sorry..." he attempted to keep a straight face as he adjusted his ball cap. "Okay, life coach hat is back on...and you were saying?"

I rolled my eyes, "Forget it Joe, the moment has passed..."

"No, wait, give me a chance here..." he implored. "You were saying that you've forgotten how to date, am I right?"

Sighing in exasperation, I replied, "Yeah, pretty much. It's been so long since I've done it. The rules are different now..."

"That's the best part about dating these days, Evie. There are no rules..." he assured me.

"No rules?" I managed to smile, "I find that hard to believe..."

"Trust me..."

It didn't make any sense, but I did – I actually trusted him. "You're not the problem, Joe. It's the rest of the guys in the universe I don't trust..."

"Then let's make this really simple. Make your first date with me."

My mouth dropped open, but no words came out.

"No rules, no pressure. We'll give you a little refresher course in dating, and it'll be fun. What do you say?"

If I hadn't always liked him, it would have been a lot easier to say yes. But I had, and for years I knew he and I could never be anything more than friends. And now? Well, I might start doing something stupid like hoping.

He could sense that I was starting to cave. "Come on," he wheedled, squeezing my fingers. "You know we'll have fun."

I did know it, and I found myself nodding, "Alright..."

He flashed a huge smile, "Okay now. Wow..." he paused. "I didn't actually think you were going to say yes... so... okay, let's see..."

Was that a tinge of actual excitement in his voice?

"I'm pretty sure I still have your number..." he pulled out his phone, to confirm. "How about next Saturday night?"

It seemed soon – really soon. Was I ready for this?

*****

I had eight days to stress. Eight days to agonize. Eight days to talk myself into – and out of – backing out of the date...repeatedly.

It helped that Joe texted me – sent me stupid cat memes that made me smile. And he called me a few times, just to check my pulse. How I managed to sound cool and calm on the phone I'll never know, because my pulse was actually off the charts...

I was really going to do this.

My 14-year old daughter, Nicki, was a self-proclaimed fashionista and helped me comb through my closet a few days before the big event. She was kind to me, but honest – exactly what I needed.

When she had finally selected some jeans, sandals and a gauzy blouse, she said brutally, "Mom...if you're going to date again, you need to seriously update this wardrobe. There are like 3 things in here that are even remotely sexy..."

"I know...I'm not exactly used to thinking like that..."

"Ya gotta own it..." she advised. "Tell yourself that you are hot, and you will be..."

I smiled indulgently. Spoken like a beautiful child who'd never experienced rejection. "Thanks Nicki..." I replied, giving her a hug and kiss on the temple. "I'll try that..."

Honestly, I think the only way I got through the whole week was continually repeating to myself that this wasn't a real date. It was a practice run with a friend – a friend who wouldn't really care if I looked hot or not.

He was late to the ball game on Friday night. I found my eyes straying to the park gates several times during warm-ups, looking for him. Seriously? Was I twelve? And then he was there, in the nick of time, jogging up to the dugout.

"Sorry man," he said to our manager Rob, as he fist-bumped him on his way into the dugout. When he saw me, he raised his chin in greeting, "S'up girl?"

I shrugged, and tried to act cool, "Oh, you know..."

"Yep, I know..." he grinned, pulling his ball glove out of his bag. "But it's the freakin' weekend, baby! Time to leave all that other shit behind..."

How did he always manage to make me laugh? I'd been ridiculously nervous about seeing him, and I felt the pressure ease up immediately.

"Got any big plans?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Not really," I teased. "Just a little mercy date tomorrow night – that's about it..."

"Oh...damn, girl!" he laughed. "So, that's how it is, now?"

"Yeah..."

The tone for the night was officially set. It was the Joe from the old days all over again, and it was more fun than I'd had in a long while. I'd missed this – missed him more than I'd ever admitted to myself.

I've always loved the energy that he brought to the team. He was flirty with the girls, macho with the guys, and made us all smile. I will never forget one game, after we'd been playing together about a year – I made a really good hit at a critical point, and stretched it into a 2 RBI triple. Nobody expected that from me, and my team went a little nuts. When I finally entered the dugout, Joe picked me up, twirled me around and exclaimed, "You're the shit, girl! You're the fucking shit!" I was completely embarrassed but undeniably pleased all the same.

And then later, when the game was over and we were walking off the field, he said, "You know why I love you Eve?"

I laughed, "Why?"

"Because you always try so hard, and you're so good." He clapped a hand on my shoulder and squeezed, "Fuck all those younger girls... they don't play half as well as you do!"

And with those words, he'd cemented a place in my heart. Regardless of whether or not I agreed with him, I knew he meant what he said – and more importantly, he'd said it out loud at a time when I really needed to hear it.

That was Joe. And sure, he was a little rougher around the edges than I was used to – but I liked it. Liked him. Always had.

*****

"So, now that Joe's back I guess you'll be sociable again?" our long-time catcher Tamra teased as I slid into a chair beside her at the restaurant.

I felt color flood my face, thankful that it was so loud no one could overhear us. True, I hadn't gone out with the team after a game since Joe had left, but that had nothing to do with him. Really. "It's not like that..."

"Uh-huh..." she replied, her tone laced with disbelief. "It's always been like that honey..."

Had my crush been that noticeable? Did everyone know?

At that moment, Joe slid his arm around the back of my chair and leaned his head into the conversation, "What do you ladies want to drink?"

When we'd answered his question, he turned away from us, but his hand skimmed across my shoulders as he went. Tamra noticed. "You were saying, Eve?"

"You know he flirts with everyone..." I countered seriously. "It doesn't mean anything."

She laughed, "You keep telling yourself that!"

"For God's sake Tamra," I whispered fiercely. "Just look at him, would you? In what universe would he ever go for someone like me?"

She sighed, "Oh, he is fine, don't get me wrong, but you don't give yourself enough credit, Eve. I would kill to have a rack like yours!"

I laughed at that. "It's not all it's cracked up to be, believe me!"

"What's not?" Joe popped back into the conversation.

"Big tits..." Tamra replied wickedly, earning herself a kick under the table.

I think I actually saw Joe blush, but he covered well. "Your conversation is WAY more interesting than the one I was just having. Do tell, Evie..."

I elbowed him in the ribs, but not too hard. "Dream on..."

"Ow...damn...you have sharp elbows..." Joe rubbed his side ruefully.

Tamra giggled, "Oh you two...get a room, would ya?"

"I keep trying to talk her into it, but she keeps shutting me down!" he complained petulantly.

I rolled my eyes. "Okay kids, where's my frickin' margarita?"

It was fun, I must admit. And really, it was probably the perfect evening to get me in the right frame of mind for our totally platonic date. Even if he was just flirting, even if he didn't mean a word of it, Joe made me feel good about myself.

*****

It was a last-minute decision for my daughters to baby-sit Alex. Joe's cousin was supposed to do it, but had gotten sick Saturday morning. Rather than cancel – which was the last thing I wanted him to do given the stress of the past week – I offered their services.

Both of my girls made a big fuss over Joe's 4-year old son when he arrived. At 16, Suze had done her fair share of baby-sitting, and I didn't have any doubts that she and Nicki could handle the challenge. Especially when Alex was so easy to get settled.

My heart melted a little when Joe kissed the top of the pre-schooler's head and said, "Miss Eve and I are going to have dinner together and then we'll be back. Be a good boy for Suze and Nicki, now."

Alex gave his dad a quick hug and then turned back to consult with Nicki on which video game they should play first. Yeah, they would be just fine...

As we walked out of the house, Joe took my hand in his. "I think I forgot to say how great you look, Evie. I don't think I've ever seen you in street clothes before..."

"Amazing, right? We look like normal people..." I laughed, trying not to freak out because he was holding my hand.

Well, I looked normal. He looked way better than just normal in his blue jeans and retro bowling shirt, with freshly combed hair. I'd rarely seen him without a ball cap on, and this was a really good look for him...

He squeezed my hand, "You ready for the big date?"

I exhaled nervously before realizing what I was doing. "Maybe... You said no rules, right?"

"Right." He opened the passenger door of his truck and helped me in. "Although it might help you to remember that you did say this was a mercy date, so at some point, you'll have to have mercy on me..."

Laughing as a blush crept into my cheeks, I replied, "I don't think that's what I meant..."

Joe put me at ease on the drive, describing the challenge of trying to teach Alex how to tie his shoes. I remembered those days vaguely – seemed to recall that neither of my girls had mastered the skill until they were six or so and commented that Alex must be extra bright if he'd almost figured it out. Joe was convinced that was the case as well...

Most of the day's activity at the lake was wrapping up by the time we arrived, so we didn't have to fight to find a nice spot to spread the picnic blanket out. "Forgive me if this is a bit ghetto..." he apologized, flipping open his cooler and offering me a hard apple cider. "It's not exactly a fancy picnic basket and a bottle of champagne..."

I shrugged and gave him a reassuring smile. "Are you kidding? This is awesome! Besides, I am not a huge champagne fan anyway."

As Joe pulled out cold chicken, three different types of salad, and fruit from the cooler, I was impressed. He had clearly put some effort into this, and I wasn't used to anyone caring enough to do that.