Ghostly Love

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Stacey thought back to her realization that she just might be gay, her conversations with Melanie. She realized even before that she had some of the dreams. She looked at and through Renata with incredulity "even then, those were you?"

Renata nodded shamefully "I couldn't help myself, you had become so beautiful to me. I stayed away but only when I knew you couldn't consciously be aware of me and my presence. You're too astute, you sense me too easily. I think it's because I had fallen in love with you but I know that's not the case, it's because you are so aware of the other side. I began to appear in your dreams, I'm sorry, I know this isn't fair, I might have unduly influenced you to choose women over men but I wanted you for myself and I indulged my own feelings and not what you might have wanted."

"You mean I might have chosen men after all?" Stacey said wonderingly and then realized with all the conversations she had with Melanie she knew that wasn't the case. She knew the first time Yolanda kissed her that women were right for her. The countless women she had kissed and fondled at the clubs, she knew that felt right, but not enough to make love to them. This woman, this woman she couldn't have, this was the one she wanted and desired.

"I don't really know if you would have chosen men or suppressed your attraction to women. I know how hard it is to be in a relationship with the same sex, perhaps I did you a disservice by messing with your dreams."

Stacey shook her head "No, Renata, I think I was born gay. I know that sounds like the party line but I realized a long time ago that I wanted women in my life and not a man. I can appreciate a man aesthetically speaking but I have no desire to feel his naked body against me and the thought of his sperm" at this she shuddered "I'm just not interested."

"But if I had stayed out of your dreams you might have come to that conclusion yourself. I've messed with the natural order of things. I crossed a line."

"No Renata, I think perhaps you showed me the way. I want a woman, but not just any woman, I want you and I can't have you" she sobbed momentarily at the unfairness of the situation "you showed me how to take pride in my appearance. You gave me confidence. You provided me with real friendship all these years. I owe you a debt of gratitude I can never repay. Is it any wonder that my dream woman is you? Is it any wonder I want and desire you?"

"Don't you see, it's just because of the dreams, I caused them, I went where I didn't belong" Renata said forcefully taking the full blame of the situation on her shoulders.

"Don't you see?" Stacey parodied back. "I might have fallen in love with a totally unacceptable woman instead of my dream lover. I don't know what we are going to do now that we are both aware of it but I know this Renata, if you were here, if you were on the physical plain, I would want you forever" Stacey said passionately.

"I'm sorry Stacey, it's not possible, and I've crossed a line. It would be better if I never bothered you again."

"What are you saying, are you saying you're going and I will never see you again?" Stacey asked alarmed.

Renata nodded sadly never having wanted to take this woman in her arms more. "It's only fair that you are given the chance to find someone on your level, someone real to love and cherish. I'm sorry I indulged myself, I'm sorry I caused you this pain. I loved you too don't you see?"

Stacey looked into Renata's beautiful face and could see her fading before her own eyes. "Don't go Renata, I love you, please don't go!" she pleaded but to no avail. The ghostly image was gone.

That night Stacey cried herself to sleep. That night she had the best sex she had ever had with her dream lover. For a change she was aware that it was Renata but as she made love to her this last time they both realized it was for the last time and couldn't last. Stacey woke up when it was over and was crying from the loss.

Over the following months her friends and coworkers realized Stacey had suffered some tragic loss of some kind. She was a fairly private person so no one really knew what it was. They only saw her depressed state, her trudging along and barely surviving. No longer did Stacey have daydreams with Renata as her lover, her face was already fading from her consciousness and no matter how hard she tried to hold on, it slipped from her memory until she could barely remember what she looked like. No more did she have wet dreams over her dream lover. She stopped going clubbing, the friends she had made that had hoped to become more than friends missed her but no one sought her out. Stacey became wrapped in her own cocoon of misery.

"What HAPPENED to you?" Melanie asked in concern. She was visiting and all she saw was the shell of the woman she once knew.

Stacey shrugged it away unable to explain and was surprised when Melanie grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to look her straight in the eye.

"SOMETHING happened, TELL ME!" she breathed into her face in anger.

Stacey sighed and sat on her couch, the same spot she had been in when Renata faded from her life. How could she tell anyone? How could she explain about Renata when everyone would think she was nuts? She didn't miss the irony of the moment when Melanie sat down in the same spot that Renata had been sitting all those months ago when she disappeared.

"Do you remember me telling how in high school I was a short, fat, little girl with braces and glasses?" she began

Melanie squinted her eyes in remembrance and puzzlement trying to understand where this was going but she nodded hoping that Stacey would go on.

Stacey licked her lips as she stared down at her fingernails "in the summer before my senior year I lost the glasses, got contacts, I lost the braces, I worked out in the pool and walked daily and lost my baby fat. My hair lightened from the pool and I got a decent haircut" she glanced over to see Melanie watching her avidly.

Melanie nodded to show she was listening but was wondering what all this had to do with how her friend was looking now.

Stacey licked her lips again before continuing. "I didn't do it alone though, I had help." She glanced up again before adding "all my life I've sensed 'others', other beings that no one else could see. This time though, the same one appeared and gave me advice." She waited for a moment to hear if Melanie thought she was nuts. Glancing up she only saw polite and concerned interest on her friend's face.

"This, this thing, this 'other' was in the form of a woman..." she began and then was shocked to hear Melanie speak.

"Renata?" she asked softly.

"How did you...how did you know?" she stuttered her question in surprise.

"You talk in your sleep sometimes" Melanie informed her with a little smile at her surprise.

"I do?" she asked stunned "why didn't you ever tell me?"

Melanie laughed a short bark and said "because it was so interesting, I'll tell you later, finish your story."

Stacey told her everything. She told of Renata's helpful advice regarding hygiene, makeup, clothes, everything for the last six years of her life. How Renata had been her best friend, her confidant, her pal. She told her of her dreams though too, especially once she owned up to the fact that she was attracted to women.

Melanie smiled and said "I know" to the last part.

"What do you mean? You know?" Stacey asked.

"Sometimes when I'd stay over and we'd be up all night talking, you'd fall asleep and murmur in your sleep. Over the years I can't tell you how curious I was about who Renata was, this explains so much. I knew you were making love to this mysterious Renata. I didn't realize though that she actually spoke to you, that you carried on conversations with her, that you've actually seen her. That's so cool."

Stacey shook her head at the revelation that Melanie had known for years about Renata and never said anything. "Why didn't you ever ask who she was?"

"Because I figured if she was that important to you that you were keeping her to yourself, you would share when the time was right. This must be the time. I can't tell you how many times when we were sharing over a beer I wanted to ask but I didn't want to pry or embarrass you. I can see by the shock on your face that you thought it was your secret."

"Did others hear it? Did others know?" Stacey asked cautiously wondering how many times she had been the subject of ridicule and not known.

Melanie shrugged "I talked about it a couple of times with your roommates but they never really realized what it meant. Apparently they shrugged it off since you were mumbling. I don't know what else they saw of course." She leaned forward to confide "I'm pretty sure though I watched you make love to Renata once or twice over the years from the sighs and moans that were coming out of you as you slept. I think I watched you have an orgasm or two in your sleep."

Stacey reddened in embarrassment. Then she realized that everything she had told Melanie was confirmed by her observations.

"She's left me now" she told Melanie and explained their last conversation.

"She won't be back?" Melanie asked concerned.

Stacey shook her head and covered her face with her hands and cried. Melanie took her friend in her arms and held her, rocking her until the sobs subsided. It was a long time in coming, Stacey was crying, not over the death of her friend who was already dead but rather over the death of the relationship with the woman she had loved for so long. Stacey consoled herself with this small thing, the fact that a human could hold her, she could feel her holding her and Renata never could.

Her work didn't suffer, she threw herself into it with abandon. She became the best assistant account manager they had ever seen and was soon promoted to account manager with her own team of people to manage them. She was a rising star at the firm but there was this sadness about her.

"This is the Whitmore account" her boss explained as though Stacey hadn't spent a month studying it until she could recite it backwards. "I don't need to tell you how important it is." No, he didn't, he had told her every day for a month and she knew that very very well. "I just don't want to screw this up" he threw in for good measure.

Stacey and her team went to the meetings and her knowledge and expertise won them the account hands down. The Whitmore people were so impressed they insisted on Stacey handling the account personally. Her firm couldn't have been more pleased with Stacey's performance. Within a month the Whitmore people were over the moon with Stacey's professionalism and expertise. It was then that she was allowed to meet Ms. Whitmore.

"Stacey, I'd like to personally introduce you to Ms. Whitmore" her contact at Whitmore's insisted as she walked into the luncheon.

Stacey's confident walk halted as she gazed at the woman before her. Ms. Whitmore was none other than a human version of Renata, her ghostly friend that she had lost so long ago. Right down to the clothes she had always seen on Renata, the leather pants the anklet boots, and the crossover blue satin blouse. Stacey looked into Ms. Whitmore's eyes to see if she recognized Stacey but there was only polite interest from the introduction. As they shook hands though both women were aware of the electrical current between them and the look they shared acknowledged it.

Stacey found a hard time being able to eat at that luncheon. Her thoughts for the first time in a long time were taken up with thoughts of Renata. She finally had a clear view of what her features would look like on a real person. No more was her view impeded by seeing through the apparition. She was clearly defined. She was beyond beautiful, she was breathtaking. Stacey tried not to stare. She suppressed her incredible attraction for this woman and remained the professional.

"I hear we have you to thank for putting together these excellent deals that Whitmore has benefited from" even the voice was pure Renata's and sent shafts to Stacey's vitals.

She smiled and said "you did hire our firm for the best, it would be poor business not put Whitmore's at the top of their field" she answered.

Business was conducted in a casual professional atmosphere and they got a lot of work done. Stacey found Ms. Whitmore to be highly intelligent and interesting. Her laugh though twisted Stacey's insides as it had of old. At the end of the meeting Stacey was firmly thanked by all of them and Ms. Whitmore last of all.

Shaking Stacey's hand again she said "I want to thank you for all of your hard work that has enabled our two firms to do business" she smiled and Stacey looked at her oddly for a moment.

"You're certainly welcome, we appreciate Whitmore's business enormously" she smiled in return.

Ms. Whitmore examined Stacey for a moment as she released her hand wondering at the odd look in her eye.

Stacey returned to work and collapsed in her chair behind her desk in her office. She was exhausted from having to maintain the facade. She felt drained from having met Ms. Whitmore. She didn't know how she was going to maintain any semblance of dignity around the woman. She had hoped that her staring and quiet had gone unnoticed. She prayed she had remained professional.

"How'd it go?" her boss popped his head in.

She smiled "brilliantly" she answered with false enthusiasm.

"That's great to hear, I've heard Renata Whitmore eats account managers for lunch" he laughed before adding "we are very pleased with what we hear you've done for them."

Stacey thanked him and pretended to go back to work, effectively dismissing him. She got very little work done that afternoon, her thoughts were raging.

"Hey, we are going OUT tonight, it's Friday night and you are NOT staying in that apartment one more moment!" Melanie told her in a tone that brooked no argument.

"I really don't feel like..." she began but was overruled. She found herself at Charlie's Bar in the village sucking on a cool martini.

"And she looked EXACTLY like Renata" she was telling Melanie.

"I think you have Renata on the brain kiddo. You need to forget her. There is nothing you can do or say to bring her back."

"See, this is one of the reasons why I never told anyone about her, you don't believe she existed."

"Hey babe, it's not that I don't believe she existed but she dumped you. You need to move on." Melanie said practically.

Stacey sighed. Melanie was right. She needed to move on. Ms. Whitmore was NOT Renata. Renata was a ghost, a dead person. She had done Stacey a lot of favors and moved on. Stacey needed to move on too.

They turned around to watch the dancers on the floor and check out possible future dates. It was only fair, they were being checked out too. A group of 'elite' customers were in the lounge, a private area that was for the privileged few that paid an extra charge to be left alone. This way the wealthy or the famous could enjoy a night out in the bar without being bothered. Stacey glanced curiously into the lounge when the lights came up from the end of the song and gasped.

Melanie looked at her in alarm and concern "what's wrong?" she asked.

Just then the lights dimmed again for the next song as Stacey replied "I just saw, or rather I thought I saw Ms. Whitmore."

Melanie looked around and asked "where?"

Using her chin to point she said "there, in the lounge." With the lights dimmed again it was impossible to see into the little alcove, it remained in almost total darkness, they could barely make out that there were people in it.

"I think you have Renata on the brain again kiddo, you need to stop, or better yet, maybe it's time for you to get help."

"I am NOT crazy Melanie, if you don't want to hear anymore..." Stacey began, naturally enraged at her friend's suggestion.

"Hey babe, I'm with you 110%. If you're going to drive me crazy I'm along for the ride. Relax. If you think you see Renata, then you see Renata, okay?" Melanie backed off realizing it wasn't worth upsetting her friend. Besides, she didn't want a scene and Stacey looked very capable of making one at this point.

"I'm sorry Melanie, I just told you what I saw" Stacey said contritely.

"Well, point her out again when the lights come up" Melanie advised.

Stacey didn't have to. The woman in question came out of the lounge with a couple of friends in tow who then immediately proceeded to the dance floor while the woman headed for the bar where they were sitting. Melanie had been glancing at the alcove and saw Stacey stiffen and realized this must be the woman that was causing her friend so much anxiety.

"Stacey?" the woman smiled as she held out her hand in greeting.

"Hello Ms. Whitmore" Stacey recovered her shock to see her there, a lesbian bar. "Nice to see you."

"Please, won't you call me Renata?" the woman replied and Stacey stiffened up. She saw out of the corner of her eye that Melanie did the same.

"Renata, I'd like you to meet my friend Melanie" Trying to sound natural Stacey covered her surprise.

Renata Whitmore held out her hand to Melanie and said "hello Melanie, what's wrong, you look like you've seen a ghost?" She took in the shocked expression on Melanie's face and her stiff posture.

Melanie recovered and said "you look like someone I know" she answered as she shook the beautiful woman's extended hand. Stacey had of course described what her ghostly friend had looked like but this was overwhelming, and the coincidence of the name....was it a coincidence?

Renata laughed delighted "I get that all the time. They say everyone has a double, I would like to run into her sometime!"

They all smiled at her joke.

"Would you like something?" the bartender had noticed Renata standing there.

Renata ordered a sloe gin fizz and waited with the girls for the bartender to blend it. "Seems like a great crowd" she mentioned casually into the quiet the other two women were creating.

Stacey recovered enough to answer "yeah, usually they don't get rocking until after midnight."

"Oh, you come here often?" Renata inquired with interest.

Stacey smiled and shook her head "no, awhile back I came occasionally. I haven't been here in a long time. Melanie insisted I get out tonight."

Renata looked at Melanie and asked "are you two a couple?"

Melanie looked even more surprised than the stunned look on her face from before and answered "us? A couple?" and then started laughing as though Renata had told the funniest joke. Partly it was relief from the tense moment they were feeling, partly it was from something she actually found funny.

Stacey glared at Melanie and when Renata turned to try and understand what Melanie was laughing at she explained "Melanie and I are just friends, I've known her since college. We are both single."

"Oh, that's good" Renata replied as the bartender returned and said "put it on your tab Ms. Whitmore?" Renata nodded as she took a sip. "Ah, that tastes refreshing" she commented.

Stacey's eyes had narrowed slightly at Renata's comment "that's good?" she asked for clarification to remind Renata of what she had said.

Renata looked her straight in the eye as she said "that you two friends can go out together and that you're single because I've been watching you since you came in and hoping you would dance with me."

Stacey blinked in surprise and then smiled as she answered "I'd like that."

Behind Renata's back Melanie was giving her the thumbs up sign and Stacey grinned a little because of it.

"Let me finish this one and we can dance" Renata said cheerfully and Stacey grabbed her own martini to finish it off.

As Renata grabbed her hand to lead her to the dance floor Stacey felt like she was floating on air. This couldn't be really happening. The live embodiment of her fantasy, of her dead friend, of her love was holding her hand. In person. In the flesh. Things didn't happen like this. This couldn't be happening, right? And yet she accepted it. It was right, it was deserved. She had been through hell and back and she would enjoy every moment of this for as long as it lasted. If she was dreaming, it was a hell of a dream and she didn't want to wake up this time. A slow song started as they got on the dance floor and Renata never hesitated to pull her into her arms and shuffle along with her as they adjusted to each other's steps.