Ghosts & Shadows Pt. 06

It was close to midnight.

"You know it's coming up on that time."

"Are you going to be able to do it? It's only a kiss."

"Probably, but you scare me."

"A big strong man like you, scared?"

"No one in my life ever hurt me like you did. I tried to kill myself with alcohol that week. If I hadn't been a coward, I'd have used a gun."

"I know! Why do you think I ran for two years?"

"Why did you do it, Mary? That's what I've never understood. I thought we were happy. Was it revenge...for Elaine and the others?"

She looked up at me and tears were in her eyes.

"Not now, Hugh, just give me the rest of this night. Then, if you still want to know, I'll tell you everything."

Then they raised and lowered the lights and the DJ was saying, "let's count it down -- 15,14,13..." and finally, "Happy New Year!"

Then she was in my arms and it felt like we were trying to crawl inside each other. It was the best feeling I'd ever experienced...and the worst!

She pulled her lips back.

"Happy New Year, Hugh...my love."

I wanted to say something but, as I lifted my gaze, I saw Gail standing alone in a crowd of partiers.

"Don't go away, Mary, I made another promise."

I made my way to Gail. She stood with an open bottle of champagne in one hand. She had given up drinking out of Paloma champagne flutes and was chugging straight from the bottle.

"May I have a kiss? You promised!"

"You have a woman, Hugh. You don't need to do this."

"You're my friend, Gail. I'd like to start the New Year off right."

She came into my arms. I tasted the champagne, and what might have been the salt of tears, on her lips.

"Happy New Year, Gail."

"It will never be happy again Hugh! Now go back to Mary. I'm going to look around, find somebody cute to fuck, and get out of here."

When I returned to Mary she molded herself against me and said, "I feel so sorry for her. She's still in love with him."

"I know. Now, where were we?"

For a few minutes we made out like teenagers in the back seat of a car at the drive-in. Then it was 1 a.m. and people were drifting out, although the party went on.

"What now?"

"Could we go back to your place, your swinging bachelor pad?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure there's any point, or if I can even get it up."

She pushed her hip against me and felt my hardness.

"Then what's that?"

"I should have said, keep it up. I've been having a few problems in that area recently."

"Now I'm feeling ready bad Hugh - was that me? It must not have been a consistent problem or little Miss Slut wouldn't have been so passionate in your defense. She had a crush on you, did you know that?"

"You are so wrong."

"Oh, not one of those schoolgirl crushes. She was too much of a slut for that but she had that older man thing going on."

"Anyway, it wasn't a problem -- with her."

"So I didn't completely destroy you."

"You came close enough, Mary, and you destroyed us."

She stood back and looked at me, holding my gaze without flinching.

"Take me back to your place and I'll answer your questions. I don't know that you'll want me afterwards, but I'll answer your questions."

I wasn't sure if I wanted those answers but I had to have them.

It felt like we were walking into my off-campus apartment in Gainesville that first time nearly 40 years before. I held the door open and let her walk in ahead of me. She looked over the one bedroom third floor condo - the combination kitchen/dining room, bathroom with a sunken bath and terraced balcony.

She just looked at me and I couldn't help saying, "Not exactly our happy home, is it? But it's all I need now."

She reached out to take my hand.

"Where's your bedroom?"

"I don't even know if I want to do this, Mary. What good is it going to do?"

"Can we just sit on the bed and talk?"

I took her hand, leading her to the bedroom where dozens of women had spread their legs for me over the past three years. I felt like we were bashful college students again.

We sat together and she placed my hand on her left breast - it still made a nice, soft handful. I felt her nipple harden in my palm but, suddenly, I saw the ghost of Richard Kelly sitting on the other side of her. He was smiling at her and she was on her back, her legs spread, looking up at him with love in her eyes.

I pulled my hand away and lurched to my feet.

"I can't do this Mary, I can't!"

She pulled me down and pushed me back at the same time with surprising strength. I was off balance and fell backward. Her hand was on my dick, closing around it, squeezing and pumping. Against my conscious will, it grew and hardened. I reached down to remove her hand but didn't have the strength.

Then she had it out, stroking it firmly, squeezing and letting go - then she had it in her mouth and it felt like the first time in my off-campus apartment so long ago.

She lifted her mouth, saliva dripping onto my hard cock, and said almost angrily, "Don't think about him, Hugh! He's not here - we are - I am! I'm not Mary! I'm just some horny coed you've brought home from a party and you've been fingering me until I'm dripping - I want you! I want your dick, not your love, not your devotion, not 36 years of your life! I want your dick in my mouth, I want your cum. Give it to me, you bastard!"

I knew what she was doing, but her mouth felt so incredibly good and she sucked like a pro. Then I rolled her over onto her back, holding her face with one hand as I half leaned over her and fed my cock into her mouth, slamming it hard into her, not worrying about being gentle.

I growled, "Okay you slutty cunt, you want my dick, choke on it!"

I probably was hurting her, but at that moment I didn't care. I knew who she was but, with some split view of reality, at the same time she was just a half-drunk piece of ass that I'd talked into my room. Whether she had a good time or not didn't really matter - I just wanted to get off.

I almost screamed when I came, squirting so hard it actually hurt. She gagged but kept sucking. I slid onto my back and, without a pause, she raised her naked cunt over my still rampant erection and slid over it. I was starting to get soft but the constant up and down motion caused it to start to stiffen - in moments I was hard again.

She pounded up and down at what seemed a supersonic speed, moaning out what could be "I love it, I love it, I love it," or "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Even after that volcanic first time, I couldn't hold out and, in what seemed like seconds, I was cumming for a second time.

I don't know how long after, but I became aware that I was still dressed in shirt and tie and my pants were down around my knees. She lay next to me, still wearing her blouse and shoes. She rolled her head back toward me, looking at me with no expression on that beautiful face.

Then a slight smile flickered on her lips as she said, "Now that does remind me of the old days."

"Except that back then, I was fucking you. You just raped me."

She grinned, "Oh, puh-lease, you can't rape the willing, and you were very willing."

I took a deep breath and slid a little way away from her.

"Thank you, Mary. That was great, but..."

"But it doesn't solve the problem, does it?"

She rolled over and put her hand on the side of my face.

"I said I'd answer your questions, Hugh, even if you never want to touch me again. I'll tell you the truth. What do you want to know?"

I looked into her eyes and it seemed like the Mary I knew had come back, at least for a little while.

"Was it because of what I did? Was it revenge for Elaine and the others?"

"No."

She kissed me gently on the lips.

"I knew about you before Elaine. People saw you. You've not that great a philanderer. You forget, I had my own money. When I heard stories I hired a private detective. He did bug you. I heard you with the waitress from Hooters, with Elaine, and the woman from Channel 4!"

She smiled at me.

"I was angry at you but, honestly, it was funny at the same time. You were like a little boy whose mother has told him he can't cross the street so he goes right up to the street corner, puts a foot out, but always runs back to the safety of the sidewalk. You wanted to fuck them and you went through all the motions, did all the right things, but you couldn't QUITE get up the nerve to cross."

"Jesus, that makes me feel as masculine as hell!"

She shook her head a little as if she couldn't believe her ears.

"I was supposed to feel bad that you loved me too much to seal the deal, when you could have had all three of them and plenty of others?

I'm not stupid - Gail and others at the bank have told me over the years about the offers some women put out. After a while I realized you were never going to go all the way. It was just a matter of waiting for your mid-life crisis to pass, and it did."

"Then -- why?"

She raised herself on one elbow to look down on me and her tears glistened in the glow from the streetlights outside.

"Because I was the slutty tramp who you thought I was, Hugh! That's what it boils down to. I betrayed you and your love and 36 years of marriage to fuck a younger man. It's more complicated than that but, really, that's what it boils down to. That's why I couldn't look you in the eye."

"But, Jesus, tons of guys hit on you over the years. Some good looking really smooth types hit on you, because I saw some of them. Why did...why did you give up everything for him?"

She lowered her eyes and I remembered the way Peter had said she'd been around him and Richard Kelly. What the hell was his secret?

"He was...different."

"Oh shit, you're not going to tell me he had a foot-long dick, are you? Was it just that?"

She smiled a strange smile and I felt something freeze deep inside me. That was it, the bastard had something I could never compete against!

I'd heard about it, of course. Before Mary, I'd actually fucked one divorced woman who'd been married to a guy so big that, when we did it, she had to squeeze her thighs together, she said, to get sufficient friction to get off. She liked what I did, but the bastard had ruined her for normal-sized guys.

"No, baby, he didn't have anything special down there. He was about your size. That wasn't it."

"Then what the hell was it?"

She stared into my eyes.

"He was you, Hugh! He was you!"

I stared back at her, trying to understand.

"Do you remember when we met, back at UF?"

"Of course."

"And you remember David, my fiancé? We'd been together for three years and it was settled that we would marry as soon as he graduated. We even talked about pushing it up a couple of years if we couldn't stand being apart that long. I did love him, or I thought I did, but then I met you."

She ran a finger over my lips.

"I knew what you were doing. Girls aren't that stupid. Wanting to be my friend, wanting to go see movies? I knew you wanted to get into my pants, but I wasn't worried. I'd been hit on before, but I wanted David. You were no threat and I liked you. You were funny, and a nice guy. You took me to movies and bought pizzas and gave me something to do on Friday nights while David was gone. I figured out pretty soon that, unlike a lot of guys, you weren't going to get ugly or pushy to get between my legs. You were safe - that's the word."

She licked her lips and rubbed what looked like a spot of me out of the side of her mouth.

"But I underestimated you. You got through my defenses. You kept pushing and, little by little, I wanted you to kiss me. Then I wanted you to touch my breasts, then I wanted to feel that big hard dick of yours. You never stopped, never got discouraged. I realized you were just going to keep on coming until you had me."

She bent down to give me a long kiss.

"You're not a woman, so you have no idea how...exciting...it is for a woman to realize that a man wants her like that. And I could see that you wanted me that badly, that you weren't going to give up and go away unless I made you. I should have, but by then it was too late. I didn't want you to give up."

She pulled away from me and tears began to flow.

"That's what Richard did, Hugh. He came after me and he never stopped. He was funny and charming and I told him to go away, but he kept coming back."

She wiped the tears away.

"I have no excuse, Hugh. I was single when I let you seduce me. I was married, happily married, when I let Richard seduce me. I made him work for it but I could have stopped him. I should have, but he was younger, handsome, big and funny. By the time I realized I didn't want to, I knew I was going to cheat on you.

We just stared at each other for a while.

Finally, she said, "I told you, you might not want to be with me again after I told you the truth."

"So you did fall in love with him? Even though you told Peter and Marlena that you weren't in love, you were."

She shook her head.

"No, you're the only man I've ever loved. It was lust with him. I never thought about making a life with him. I would never have left you. I knew, I knew in the back of my mind that when, when I let him have me the first time, that was probably the end of us. I knew, I just knew, you'd take one look at me when I came back from that trip and you'd see it and you'd throw me out but, somehow -- you didn't! So, we met again and we made love -- no we fucked -- and I began to tell myself that somehow I'd be able to have him and keep you. I knew deep down that I was lying to myself but I wanted him too badly."

She wet her lips and touched my face as if afraid I was going to run.

"I know that hurts you, Hugh, but what's the good of lying now. The sex was fantastic. We did it three and four times a night and he could just go...and go...and go. I couldn't give it up."

"I guess that makes it alright!"

She took my face in her hands so I had to stare into her eyes.

At that moment I wanted to grab her and throw her across the room, but she had said she'd be honest, no matter how much it hurt. I just didn't know anything could hurt that much.

"You remember I said that he was you. He didn't do anything that you didn't do -- 20 or 30 years ago. You remember? You used to pound me all night long and that beautiful cock of yours never went soft. When I was with Richard, it was the way it had been with you, and I was the way I had been 30 years ago. I was young again, Hugh, there was no way you could compete with him! He was just, young for his age. He could do things you couldn't do anymore, in the same way I could never compete with your Brittany. Time just dealt us both a bad hand."

I didn't like it, but I understood it.

"So why did you go to him, and why did you leave him?"

"I went to him because I saw it in your eyes that day you confronted me. You would never have taken me back. If I hadn't run, you'd have divorced me anyway, refused to see or talk to me. I knew you better than you knew yourself. Like I said, I'd have had to watch you hating me for weeks or months and I couldn't do that."

She took a deep breath and then lay her head against my chest.

"Richard still had this fantasy that we could make a new life together.

I don't think he ever loved me. I think he really did still love his wife but he'd committed himself to us, put his job on the line, left his wife. I knew we wouldn't stay together but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I couldn't go to the kids and tell them I'd been cheating on their beloved father for six months - I'd have lost everything!

"That's why - that's why he was such an asshole when Peter came to visit me that day. He was - he was putting his mark on me, saying that I belonged to him, not to you anymore. I was so embarrassed I couldn't say anything! When we were alone, I told him we'd never be together, he had humiliated me in front of my son. He talked me into staying with him a few more months, because I didn't have anywhere else to go, but we were through."

She sat up in bed.

"That's the whole ugly story, Hugh. I said you wouldn't want me when I was through. You probably hate me more than you did when you didn't know it all but you deserve the truth."

She got up, turned on the light and dressed. She pulled out her cell and called a cab, then stood at the bedroom door and flicked the light off.

She stood outlined in the moonlight.

"I'm sorry Hugh - you will never know how sorry - but I promised I would leave you alone and I'll keep that promise. Goodbye!"

I lay in the moonlight for a long time.

A week and a half later I showed up at McDaniels corporate headquarters and asked if Miss Meadows was there. It was 11:30 a.m. The receptionist looked at me oddly and said, "I'm sorry, we don't have a Miss Meadows working here."

"She would have been a new transfer, just in from your San Francisco office a few months ago I believe."

She spent a couple of minutes looking at the computer console on her desk, then picked up the phone.

"Nancy, do we have anybody named Meadows working here? This gentleman says she would have been a recent transfer in."

A minute later she looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry, sir. Are you sure she transferred in to this office?"

"I guess I was mistaken. She has a habit of jumping around. God only knows where in the world she is today."

"How about standing right behind you."

I turned.

"I just assumed-"

"That I'd run off again? I'm through running, Hugh."

"Then why don't they have a record of you working here?"

"Because Mary Meadows doesn't work here. Mary Davidson does."

"I thought Mary Davidson was gone."

"It's the name they've always known me by here and it is my name, unless you have any objection."

"No."

"Why are you here, Hugh, I didn't think I'd see you again."

"I got hungry."

She had given me a cold stare, which turned curious.

"It's close to lunchtime. I thought I'd grab a bite at Benny's - one of their lighter deals, maybe steak tips and rice. Would you like to go have a bite?"

"Just dinner?"

"Unless they let you order a drink with your dinner around here. I seem to remember they were pretty loose about that kind of thing."

"I've got some work I have to finish."

"Alright, another day."

"But nothing I can't finish this afternoon. Stell, tell Miriam I'm taking a long lunch."

Stell gave us a look but said, "I will, Mrs. Davidson. Enjoy."

The next night we went out to a formal dinner at Benny's with Percy, his significant other, Bobby and Chauvonne. The four of them sent a lot of looks back and forth to each other, but the night went fairly smoothly. I dropped her off at her apartment.

"Thank you, Hugh."

"It was my pleasure."

"Thank you anyway."

I didn't kiss her goodnight.

She showed up at my office on a Tuesday at 3 p.m.

I looked at my watch and said, "It's too late for lunch and too early for dinner."

She handed me a sealed envelope.

"You never asked that night. I know you've been with other women, and I've been with other men besides Richard. I hadn't been with anybody in nearly a year, before that night. I've been having myself tested every six months. I wanted you to know I was clean. If I had HIV or anything serious, it would have shown by now. The proof is in that envelope."

Then: "Have you been tested?"

"I've tried to be careful. I used condoms most of the time but I knew there was a danger. So, yeah, I've had myself tested every three months. I seem to be in the clear."

We stared at each other. I had this insane impulse to laugh. What in the world were two people within spitting distance of their senior years doing getting tested like teenagers? That hadn't been our world but the world had changed.

"Are you going to keep on being tested?"

"No. I don't intend to be with any other man. It's fun, but it's too depressing. I think I'm going to take up knitting."