Ghosts & Shadows Pt. 06

When I didn't say anything, she stared at me.

"And you?"

"It's fun but I've kind of lost my appetite. I think I'll just rent porno and jerk off."

She turned and walked out. She did have a great ass.

In late January we went with Bobby and Chauvonne to a touring production of a Broadway show, following it up with drinks and some dancing at Pelicans. It was near 2 a.m. when I got close to my place.

"It's so late and I'm about to collapse, Hugh. Could I sack out at your place? I promise I won't attack your virtue."

"Is that a promise that you're going to keep?"

"You're big enough that I think you could defend yourself if I tried to molest you."

She woke up in my arms the next morning.

"What are you doing?" she asked sleepily.

"Just watching you."

After a moment her head dropped to my lap.

"Would you throw me out of bed if I tried to suck you?"

"Only one way to find out."

I didn't throw her out of bed.

We kept seeing each other, dating without calling it that. Sometimes she stayed over and sometimes she didn't. Once in a while I'd get questions from Gail or other friends.

"We were married for 36 years. Why shouldn't we go out for drinks, or get some lunch?"

One Tuesday in early March she showed up at my door at 7 p.m. It was already dark, shadows encroaching where the street lights ended. She rang the doorbell four times before I finally staggered to the door.

"Hugh? I thought we were...."

I stared at her.

"Hugh!"

"I thought I could do this but I was wrong!"

I closed the door and made it as far as the couch before I gave it up as a bad idea and the world went away.

She came to my office just before closing the next day. She was inside the door before my secretary could stop her.

I just looked at her.

"I didn't think you'd let me in if I came to your condo. What happened?"

We just stared at each other for a long time.

"I had a dream."

More silence.

"I was in the hotel room watching you and him. Watching him push it into you and you squealing the way you do when I hit the right spot. I saw you licking his dick and begging him to come in your mouth. I saw you turn over in the bed and push that ass of yours up and tell him to plug it with his beautiful dick. I saw him standing in front of you with his cock up and out and I could read it in your eyes, how much you loved it."

More silence.

"None of it was real. I never saw Gail's videos but it WAS real, it was the way it would have been. I thought I could get past it, I thought it was the past, but it isn't - and it never will be! He'll always be there!"

We stared at each other and it was one of those rare moments in life when words really aren't necessary. I saw the hurt in her eyes but I couldn't help what I was feeling. I couldn't MAKE myself, by force of will, get past what she had done. She turned around and walked out.

I had wanted to drink myself unconscious when I got back to my condo that evening, but I finally put the bottle of Brandy down and put the top back on. I stood in my kitchen/dining room staring at my image in the mirror. The bottle had never been a good answer to my problems.

The pain never went away. It was just suppressed for a little while but it was still there when I sobered up.

What the hell was I going to do? I had spent three years pretending I was over Mary. I had fucked a lot of women; young women, older women, blondes, brunettes and a few redheads. I was still in pretty good shape for my age, I had money, was successful professionally and I could fuck a lot more women before I died.

But what was the point? I was looking at 60. What the fuck did I have left to prove. I would never be any more successful than I was today. I would never be much more rich than I was today. I continued working because work was my life. It was the reason I woke up every morning.

I could retire, walk away and never work another day in my life, then die slowly of boredom or pick up some sexual disease or drug habit. I hated golf, I had never played cards. How many goddamned times can you wake up on a beach and watch the sun rise over the water?

I could look for a good, kind and caring woman. Assuming I found one, I could go through the rituals of courtship - marry again, sleep beside and wake with her - pretend that she fulfills me and know every second that I was playing a part -- the happy husband!

The only thing I could look forward to was watching my children and grandchildren grow older and live vicariously through their lives. I'd be happy, or as happy as you can be living life second hand through your children.

THE FUCKING BITCH! She had been the only woman I'd ever really wanted. I had wanted to fuck others but she was the only one I wanted to live and die next to. I couldn't stop loving her but I couldn't live with her.

I awoke to the faint glow of the moonlight lending a silvery haze to the night. There was a full, fat moon sitting in the window.

I was startled for a moment, but then I recognized the shape under the sheet next to me without seeing her face. Her hair gave her away.

"What are you doing here? You know I could have you arrested?"

"You'd be surprised what Gail can do if you ask her for a favor."

"I wouldn't be surprised at anything you could do with $50 million."

She sat up in bed, the sheet dropping away from her. The moonlight gilded the nipples of her breasts.

"You need to leave, Mary."

She lowered her eyes.

"I'll put on some clothes. I brought pajamas. I didn't come here to seduce you."

I sat up in bed. I'd always slept nude. It had never bothered me until tonight.

"Do you think you could request a transfer again? I mean, you've moved around so much the past three years, one more move wouldn't hurt.

I know they have a great office in Atlanta! Or New Orleans! That would be a great place to live and work."

Her eyes gleamed in the moonlight.

"I've just moved back, Hugh. Is having me around so distasteful that you want me to move out to give you some space?"

"Not necessarily. It occurs to me that Gail has a branch office in Charlotte that covers the Mid-Atlantic region. The kids are gone. I've grown moss here, been here too long. Maybe that's what we both need. I need new surroundings, new co-workers, a new city, while you need a chance -- to get back into your old life, without me here."

"You make it sound so reasonable."

A tear dropped and hit one nipple.

"There's no chance for us. None at all?"

"I can't see it, baby."

"Don't do this Hugh, please don't do this."

I reached out and took her hand in mine.

"I can't NOT do this, baby. I can't be in the same city with you. I can't see you, know you're alive and not be with you, but I can't BE with you! It hurts too much."

She pulled her hand out of mine and lowered her head to my lap then lower. She rested her face on my knee and wrapped her arms around my legs.

Her tears wet my skin.

"Please Hugh, I know I hurt you. I know I betrayed your loyalty and your love. Maybe I don't deserve another chance but give me one. I'll do anything. I'll keep my own apartment. You can have other women. Just...don't make me watch and...if you want, you can put a monitor on me. You can have me followed. Anything to prove that there won't be any other men."

She rubbed her face back and forth on my leg.

"I still have sexual urges but I'll use a vibrator if you can't make yourself love me. We don't have to have sex...if that makes you uncomfortable."

She tightened her grip on my legs, as if afraid I was going to rise up and throw her over.

"I've lived without you for three years, Hugh. When I was with other men, it wasn't any different than using a vibrator to get myself off. As much as you love me, I love you that much and more."

She released my legs and raised her eyes to me.

"Let me stay in your life, Hugh. Don't cast me out. If you ever loved me, don't cast me out."

We stared at each other until I patted the pillow at my side. She slid up to lay beside me and that's how we fell asleep.

She went back to her place in the morning. We didn't see each other for a couple of days but she showed up one evening at 7 p.m. with a chicken and onion rice casserole, which she knew I loved. She brought pajamas and spent the night.

We got together two or three nights a week. Sometimes we went out and sometimes we stayed in. Unless I'd had a bad dream we slept in the same bed, chastely.

A month went by and we had gone out to see the horror/suspense flick, "Shutter Island" with DeCaprio. We went to the last showing, it was a Friday and neither of us had to work the next day. I poured us a couple of brandies while she slipped into pajamas and curled up on the couch in the den next to me.

As I sat beside her, I handed her a goblet with dark liquid in it and a manila envelope. She gave me a look.

"I want you to have your own copy."

She took a sip, then put the drink aside and opened the envelope. She took out the folded paper and looked it over.

"Is this what I think it is?"

"I had to buy new adjoining plots in Evergreen Cemetery. The ones we had, well, I got pissed and sold them while we were apart. I never thought I would ever want to be near you -- living or dead."

"And now?"

"I told you once that I would never leave you and that I'd do my best to outlive you so I wouldn't leave you by dying on you."

Tears welled.

"I will never leave you Mary, living or dead. You're stuck with me."

We spent the night naked in bed together. For the first time in three years, I didn't feel the presence of any ghosts in the darkness.

THE SUMMING UP

There are still times when I want it to be like it was. I awake next to her and, in the early fog of half-consciousness, I feel the warmth of her body. For a little while there is no Richard Kelly, no three-year gap in our lives, no pain, but then I awake fully and the memories rush in.

Then I realize it will never be like it was - there is that moment of incredible loss and pain, like a sharp stabbing pain in the heart, but it goes away. She rolls over next to me and she is still Mary. I did what I did and she did what she did, but we are still together here and now in the Year of Our Lord 2010.

That's pretty much the end of our story -- for now. We are officially senior citizens, having hit the 60 mark, although when I join her in the shower and the water runs down the smooth flesh of her back and breasts, I have a hard time believing it. The calendar doesn't lie, but as the poet said long ago, if we cannot make the sun stand still in the turning of the days, we can make him run like hell to catch up with us, or something like that.

I check on Richard Kelly every now and again. Not that I am worried about Mary - I trust her once again - but, he nearly destroyed my life!

While I still don't plan to ever cross the line and become someone I've never been, if he was to approach her again...!

However, from everything I can tell, he has made his peace with his wife. They have no children and I have no concept of what it would be like to approach late middle age or senior years with no children or grandchildren to cushion the passing of the years. It must be lonely.

Peter and Marlena are happy. Peter continues mucking around in the brains of strangers and his professional reputation grows. Marlena works as an increasingly highly paid RN. Austin grows increasingly brilliant and cuter than should be allowed by law. He is a young first grader in a highly expensive private school. I've set up a trust fund for his college education -- as long as he attends the University of Florida - Go Gators!

Nicole has had three surgeries in less than a year on her left arm, leg and, unexpectedly, her hip. She needs two more so it will probably be closer to two years than the one Wallinsky predicted, but she gets around on crutches or a walker. Her publisher has allowed her to work out of her home and, as Wallinsky predicted, she is 100 percent the girl I knew.

She has edited two best-sellers since her recovery, working from home.

Simon is Simon and Calabria...well, all I can say is that the name has grown on me. Even at this young age, I can tell that one day she will be the heartbreaker her grandmother was so long ago. I have begun the process of setting up a trust fund for her college education. Simon pushed for Harvard but I put my foot down. No grandchild of mine will ever go to Harvard. Now Yale? That's a different story.

I think sometimes at work of those three years, of the people who entered or passed through my life. They say you do a lot more of that as you get older, not that I'm old, but...!

Percy is still with the same boyfriend. They seem happy. Percy can still take anyone in the teambuilding retreat arm-wrestling championships, except Bobby. Bobby and Chauvonne are together and they seem happy. Especially so since the day that Bobby came in passing around cigars to celebrate their adoption of a three-day old boy, the son of a friend's 15-year-old daughter.

Coffee has shown up at several company get-togethers with the attorney, Greg, in tow and I'm pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone else. They stick close to each other and, while it's ancient history for us, Mary reminds me that Coffee is in that period of time when her biological clock is ticking ominously and she may be getting ready to do something about it.

Gail is still -- Gail! She works harder than any of us and takes her boy toys home to fuck most weekends. She hasn't made any serious connections. She tells me she's happy, but there are times when I'll stick my head in the door and I see her looking at the portrait of her grandfather, rubbing her lower lip in that gesture of hers, when I wonder!

I wonder if she is thinking of Los Angeles and the man who walked away from her to make a new life there. I tell myself, because I do love her like a niece, that she is still young. There is still the possibility of a happy ending. If it can happen to me it could happen to her but, even if I wanted to meddle, I won't. It's her life!

In idle moments I wonder what ever happened to the hooker, Rene, and the DEA man who had given up everything to be with her as she died. Is she still alive? Did he ever go back to his wife, or his job?

Was Kevin able to forget that his amnesiac wife was still alive with another man and that man's child. Rob, the boy he's raising, would be 14. Talk about a challenge, raising a bruised 14-year-old in today's world. I wish him luck.

I wonder if the beautiful redhead is still together with her scarred lover. I hope so. There are people you meet that you just like, for no reason, and those were two like that. I hope she continues to fondle those scars lovingly for many years to come.

I see Wallinsky on the television news once in a while, still working medical miracles, saving lives. He's been married and divorced in one six month period. Evidently he's a better physician than husband. He married and divorced one of the most beautiful women in the world, and on the rebound he's dating one of the wealthiest women in the world. He'll be alright!

Brittany - is still Brittany! It's hard to believe she's looking at 30. I will really feel ancient when she turns the big 3-0. I see her sometimes at bank functions and social events. She's become a good friend of Gail's. When she sees me she approaches me with that hip swinging, boob bouncing gait that reminds me of nights past. Her smile tells me she remembers them too.

Of course, with that innate wife radar that spouses possess, before we can spend too long together Mary is between us, friendly and charming as always, but making sure that Brittany gets the subliminal message of whose property I am now.

I'm back in bed beside Mary. She holds her long, lithe body against mine and I feel the first risings of hunger. She buries her head against my chest. The Stones said it long ago. Sometimes you can't get what you want. What I want I'll never have again but, if you're lucky, sometimes you can get what you need - what I have here is what I need!

I know there are those who know our story that wonder, but don't have the balls to ask, how I could take her back?

The answer is simple - I love the bitch!