tagHumor & SatireGlad 'e Ate 'er Ch. 01

Glad 'e Ate 'er Ch. 01


The hero of our story is one Daniel, who grew up in the town of Galilee during the reign of the Emperor Nero.

Daniel was a good Jewish boy and loved nothing better than to sit in the synagogue and listen to the rabbi read stories from the holy book. His favourite was the story of his namesake in the lion's den. He wondered if he would be able to be so brave in a dangerous situation. He hoped that he would, and he liked to imagine the heroic things he might do when he grew up.

As I have said, Daniel was a Jew. At least, he was a Jew up to the age of eighteen. It was when he was at this tricky age that a couple of men in very neat robes knocked on the door of his parents house while they were both out. The men asked Daniel if they could make a presentation on the life of their saviour. Daniel didn't know what this meant but it didn't sound dangerous, so he invited them in and offered them a chair each and sat down himself to hear what they wanted to tell him.

They did not spend much time sitting in their chairs. They were very enthusiastic story-tellers, standing up and sweeping their arms around, and emphasising their points by thumping the palms of their hands with their fists, as they recounted a story which he found even more exciting than that of the other Daniel in the lion's den.

It was the story of a man who had healed the sick and fed the hungry, who had walked on water and brought the dead back from the grave. He had done all this by the strength of his faith. He had championed the poor and downtrodden and called the high and mighty judges "vipers". All of this was tremendously exciting to Daniel who had not yet lost his youthful idealism.

When the men reached the end of the story and Daniel heard how the "Son of God", as they described the miracle worker, had been nailed to a cross and left to die, he was heart-broken. How could such a thing have happened. But the men encouraged him not to lose heart. What was important was not the flesh which had carried the message they said, but the message itself. The message about the coming Kingdom of Heaven on Earth which the miracle worker had delivered was now spreading throughout the Roman Empire and, most exciting of all, Daniel was needed to be a messenger. Given that the Emperor Nero perceived the growth of Christianity as a threat however, it was a most dangerous task to take on, they warned him. This was all he needed to hear. At last he would get to try himself in the face of danger.

When his parents came home and found him gazing blankly into the distance and babbling something about forgiveness of sins and everlasting life, they immediately hired a cult deprogrammer. At a time when religious zealots and self-proclaimed prophets hung out on every street corner, deprogrammers were doing a roaring trade. But, with Daniel, it was no use. The die was cast, and, rather than argue with his parents all the time, Daniel moved out of home and went to live with some of his new Christian friends.

His friends were a married couple called Matthew and Bethany. They were a very friendly cheerful couple in their early twenties. Each day Matthew would go out door-knocking. Daniel would then head off for his bible classes, carrying a packet lunch that Bethany had prepared for him. He would be home earlier than Matthew and would spend the late afternoon chatting excitedly with Bethany about all that he had learned that day.

Daniel liked Bethany a lot. With her long dark hair, deep brown eyes and soft olive skin she was very attractive. But what made Daniel's heart beat faster was her warm loving smile. As Daniel related the events of the day, she would smile indulgently at his youthful exuberance, and laugh at the amusing little adventures of his day.

One night Daniel dreamt that Bethany was kissing him. He woke up to find that a certain part of his anatomy was standing up stiffly beneath the bed clothes. As he wriggled around he found that the feeling of the bedsheet brushing against his stiffness, gave him a feeling of exquisite pleasure. Pretty soon he was clenching his bottom and heaving himself up exuberantly against the bedsheet, sliding his stiffness across it in a delirious state of ecstasy.

It was at that moment that Bethany came in to wake him.

"What on earth is the matter," she cried in genuine concern, lifting the bedsheet. Just as she did, Daniel's cock, for such was the part of the anatomy involved, though Daniel had no name for it, spurted several jets of hot, creamy white liquid over his belly.

Bethany blushed at the sight and turned her eyes away.

"Something funny happened to me," Daniel explained, "but it felt really good." He smile up innocently at her.

"It was the sin of Onan to spill his seed upon the ground," Bethany stated, keeping her eyes averted. "I know it is not your fault. You do not understand these things yet."

Daniel couldn't understand why what he had just done was a sin. Being greedy was a sin. Lying was a sin. Hitting somebody over the head was a sin. These things could hurt people. Daniel knew that it was wrong to hurt people, but he couldn't see how rubbing himself against his bed sheet could hurt anyone. Then he realised that Bethany did the washing for the household. Maybe the white cream stains were really hard to get out. Scrubbing them would make her hands sore. That would hurt. So that was why rubbing himself against his bed sheet was a sin. Daniel was proud of his powers of deduction.

But what about Onan, she said that he had spilled his seed upon the earth, not on a bed sheet, and that too had been a sin. Maybe the white cream was a herbicide too and would make the land infertile.

"Please do not trouble yourself, Bethany," said Daniel, "I will wash my own sheet. I don't want to make your hands sore. But tell me, where can I shoot my white cream were it will do no-one any harm, for I am determined to avoid sin wherever possible."

"Oh, Daniel, you are so innocent," smiled Bethany. "The white cream, as you call it, is for making babies. If you shoot it into a woman, she will produce a baby. I think that Matthew and I will have a baby soon now. And don't worry, I don't mind washing your bedsheet. What you did is only a sin because God doesn't like you to waste the white cream."

Now Daniel understood. A week later however he was disconcerted to find when he awoke in the morning that there was white cream on his belly again. It had leaked out while he was asleep. Was this still a sin he wondered. He hadn't had any control over it, so he decided that it wasn't.

What worried him though was that God would not like this waste of white cream, even if it was not his fault. Since the white cream was meant to go into a woman to make a baby, Daniel decided that he would have to find a woman who wanted his white cream soon.

Bethany would not do, because she had said that she was already expecting a child.

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